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PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:00 am 
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I apologize if my title seems mean or cruel but it is the truth and its my addiction story. The day i had my son i was 22 yrs old, i am now 30. When i had him that day i was so happy and overjoyed.. nothing mattered to me now but my precious little boy...but this would soon change. I had to get an emergency c-section because of complications, so after this major surgery they kept me doped with pain meds in the hospital, but also sent me home with a bottle of strong pain meds...at that time i had no idea how bad they were for you....i took em because the doctors told me to so i assumed they were safe...so i took them as prescribed and my 1st bottle ran out...but they had given me 2 more refills so i continued to take, so for 2 months after leaving the hospital me and my son were both high(i was breastfeeding)....from there on i slowly became addicted to opiates.

I was able to keep my addiction hidden from my family for years...i had a good paying job so i could afford to buy on the streets every payday...but eventually everything started to crumble. I lost my apartment because i would rather get my pills then pay my bills, then shortly after that lost my good paying job due to being dope sick and calling in too much....but recently i have reached a new low...i am so ashamed to admit but i began stealing money from my family to get my pills.

At this point i am so ashamed and i feel so guilty for letting it get this bad!!! I wish i could take back so many things...I feel the worst thinking about how i have cheated my son from have a good, healthy mother....thats what hurts me to my core the most~!!! but all i can do now is be honest and get help for my 8 yr addiction...i am trying now to get into a outpatient suboxone treatment program.

I invite any feedback...

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 2:32 am 
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Hi cjj2012,

I am glad you decided to share your story with us. Im sure many of us can relate to the shame and guilt you are feeling, I know I can.

My addiction also took me places I never thought I would go. I have also stolen pills from family members and even stole drugs from the hospital where I worked. I am very ashamed of these things but I am trying to let that go. Addiction is a disease. We are not bad people trying to become good, we are sick people trying to become well.

Im also a mom to three kids. My kids are proud of me for admiting I have a problem and then working on myself.

It sounds like you have made the decision to get help and that is awesome. Have you ever tried suboxone before? Have you been in treatment before? I chose suboxone because I had tried to get off drugs many times without sucess. I think suboxone is part of the reason I am alive today.

I hope you stick around and keep posting!

_________________
I have been on suboxone 2.5 years and take 4mg once daily. I love my sub and plan to be on it for two more years.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 3:45 pm 
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thank you orange for your reply and your encouraging words.. i am actually 5 days clean today... i haven't tried suboxone but i do want to try it cause the physical WDs i can manage for the most part now its the mental part i know i will struggle with.. and the cravings are terrible.
I have actually been on the phone all morning trying to find a doctor who prescribes or an outpatient sub program, and i am having no luck. i currently dont have insurance so i am trying to find a program or doc that has a sliding scale payment option.
so i guess all i can do is keep looking!


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 17, 2012 6:32 pm 
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It sucks that it is so hard to find a sub doctor. I have to drive 30miles to get to my doctor.

Like you said, all you can do is keep looking. Good luck! Let us know if you need more help finding one....There are some websites you can go to. One is at the top of this page, the other two I can never remember!

_________________
I have been on suboxone 2.5 years and take 4mg once daily. I love my sub and plan to be on it for two more years.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 12:31 am 
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Location: oregon coast
https://www.suboxone.com/patients/opioi ... octor.aspx

The link above, is a suboxone doctor search tool, where you put in your zip and how far you are willing to travel, it gives you a list with the phone #s. if you have no luck, lets say 20 miles from your home, think how far you were willing to travel to get pills? and expand your search!!! when you call, if they say they have a 'waiting list' be sure to get on it, just in case!!! as a general rule, theres some people that arent ready to 'commit' so you can probably imagine, you may get called sooner than you think!!!

http://www.treatmentmatch.org/
this site has you sign up, and answer some questions, and the doctors call YOU.
(or email)

you also may want to think about how long you want to be on suboxone.........some people only want to be on it a short time, some doctors have rules for patients, or a time limit they can be on suboxone. So, its a good question to ask yourself. if the only doctor you can get into right away ,, only allows let's say 6 months, and you plan on being on longer, I'd say GO FOR IT, at least it will "buy" you six months of treatment.

I can definitely relate to your story..... I did some pretty terrible things during my addiction....... I was also addicted for about 10 years...... the last 5-6 being what I'd say "really bad" the last YEAR, by far the worst.
the addict in me, stole from the only people that loved me, or were willing to still even talk to me, when I was strung out.
the good thing is,
now it's been 18months, and Ive really come a long way. Ive rebuilt many of those relationships, paid back many debts and managed to scrape myself up outta the gutter and put "me" back together. Definitely worth all the hard work, if you ask me. If someone would have told me, when I was where you are now, how fast I could put my life back together if I tried really hard, I would have NEVER believed it.
I dont even hardly remember my son's first two years of life. I got on suboxone when he was about 2 1/2 yrs old.

There is alot of guilt, with everyone of us I think. but you know what??? you'll find out that other people are faster at forgiving US than we are at forgiving ourselves.

Be prepared to 'mourn' your old life, , , , I know it might sound dumb, cuz right now your probably sick of it!!!!
but sooner or later, you'll know what I mean. . . we come to the realization that its gone, the pills, the high, all of it.
it's okay to mourn it, I think its all part of the healing process.

I'd also think about some kind of counseling/therapy/group therapy/meetings anything like that.
the more that you put into your 'recovery' the MORE you will GET OUT OF IT :wink:

and great job being clean five days!!!! thats definitley something I was never able to do.........
thats a hell of a good start :wink:

Good Luck, I hope you find a doctor soon!!!!!!!!!! :wink:

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 1:55 am 
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thank you so much for the info! i did talk to a doctor today that specializes in outpatient suboxone treatment, he suggested that i might be better off not taking subs at all... he explained since i have been able to go 6 days without anything there is no urgency to get me on something else that i am gonna need to be weened off of.... which makes sense to me... my only problem with that is the cravings... so i need to focus on my mental issues now.. counseling/group therapy/NA because i know i need LOTS of counseling!
but thanks so much for all the encouraging words and advice... it really does help to share with others who can I relate to!

I AM ONE DAY CLOSER TO BEING HAPPY, WITHOUT USING!!!!!


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