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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2012 8:57 am 
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Well the title says it all,16 months on sub and i have been off them for 2 weeks and right back to banging pills. January was my last doctor appointment. The doc I had was accused of sexual misconduct and got his license suspended for 3-5 years. There is not one doc around that is not maxed out with patients. But the worst is not that. My fiancé and 2 kids left me because she wanted someone else. I really did nothing wrong to her at all and I really mean that. Now I'm stuck in the house we purshaed together by myself and of course major depressive disorder that I have had my whole life. There is not worse feeling then having your family leave you for another guy after 4 years. So my mind pretty much says "you have nothing to live for". And yes I know I do have something,my kids. But I really really can't help how I feel. I love them more then anything and they were takin from me. I can hardly write this without tears. Not to mention she ended it with me a day prior to our daughters first birthday so needless to say I was not apart of that. I don't know what to do. I have never hated myself or my life more then I do now. I guess I feel some what better that I could come here and vent. And those of you with severe depression knows it does not matter what anyone says. All I can say is I really don't know. Thanks to everyone here who was very nice to me with my induction and when I was having medical problems with my second child you people were very supportive and. I really appreciate it!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2012 10:22 am 
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That is really harsh man and my heart does go out to you. I don't really know if there's much I can say that will make it any easier. Is there anyone you can be around at the moment who you trust and who you can talk to? It sounds like you really need someone at the moment.

I could tell you it's no reason to use drugs, to throw your life away and all that. But I can't say I wouldn't want to self-destruct in if all that happened. And I'd hope that someone would knock some sense into me.

Every time you have a shot you have less chance of being in your kids lives. It won't take long at all for your wife will know, any chances of reconciling the marriage will be shot, she'll get whole custody. The only chance you'll have of getting ANYTHING back is if you stop using and start fighting for your family and your life. Keeping using is just giving up on your kids and your family and your life. If you make the choice to keep going, your kids will grow up knowing their dad chose drugs over them.

It's an uphill battle, but if you devote yourself enough to pulling yourself together and getting those you love back, why can't you get your family back?

It's wayy too important a time in your life to wallow in self-pity. Literally everything is on the line.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2012 10:43 am 
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I do understand why you would say that and I appreciate your thoughts. I can say that I did not choose drugs over them. She packed them up and left me a month after I found out I was losing my sub doctor. I did reduce my sub to try and prolong the w/d and maybe I would find a new doctor. I have called every doctor around and I'm on a waiting list. You got to figure that me and every other person who went to my doctor are all rushing to get a new doc. So I used my last sub about two weeks ago. Went 2 1/2 days with nothing. Then the withdrawal and depression of losing everything that ment something to me all took over. What can I do? I can I sit here and withdrawal while I'm in my darkest times? I wish I could tell you how good of a family we had. Im a great dad and she is a great mom ( and it kills me to say anything positive about her). This all hit me like a ton of bricks. I had no clue this would happen. We got up one day and everything was normal. We went to the park with my family that had just got to town. We were in the car. She just got real quiet for some reason. I looked at her and saw in her eyes something was wrong. Then I said it. You dont love me anymore du you? She said no. We left the park she packed up and left. About a week later she told me there was someone else. I will never know if she cheated on me. And it's best I don't as I would probably due something very bad to this other guy for breaking up my family ( and he knew we were together). But anyway. I am fighting. But I can't find a doc I can't find sub on the street. And I think I would be a very major risk to myself to withdrawlcand deal with major depressive disorder. I'm waiting on a call back about methadone. The only problem is I would have to get my dose everyday between 7-9 am. And with my job being a manager and the public relying on me to get the store open that is just about impossible to go everyday. I'm hope they will work with me when they see I was a good patient with my other doc and never failed a drug test. I'm fighting as hard as I can. I hate to say shit like this but I struggle to keep my self from breaking down at work and coming home everyday to nothing. I have pleaded with her to try and work this out with me and she refuses. She loves this other dude. I dont know why I keep rambling on. I guess my mind never stops

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2012 9:23 pm 
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hi! my heart goes out to you, have been in a very similar situation. in my case, after the dust settled, my husband and i realized that nothing or noone compared to each other, and we reconciled. it didnt take long, about a month. that was 10 years ago, i can recall the feelings as it were yesterday. just believe that everything good and bad happens for a reason, you will find the rainbow. i totally understand not wanting to feel withdrawal, and i dont have depression. try the methadone clinic, the counselors can be very helpful, and some have suboxone.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2012 9:38 pm 
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If you can't find a Sub doctor, another option may be naltrexone depot injection (Vivitrol) or a naltrexone implant. Doctors do not have the same DEA restrictions in using naltrexone as they do Sub. It may be worthwhile investigating if any local doctors offer naltrexone as an option.

Of course you would have to be detoxed first.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2012 10:10 pm 
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Thesphinx wrote:
Well the title says it all,16 months on sub and i have been off them for 2 weeks and right back to banging pills. January was my last doctor appointment. The doc I had was accused of sexual misconduct and got his license suspended for 3-5 years. There is not one doc around that is not maxed out with patients. But the worst is not that. My fiancé and 2 kids left me because she wanted someone else. I really did nothing wrong to her at all and I really mean that. Now I'm stuck in the house we purshaed together by myself and of course major depressive disorder that I have had my whole life. There is not worse feeling then having your family leave you for another guy after 4 years. So my mind pretty much says "you have nothing to live for". And yes I know I do have something,my kids. But I really really can't help how I feel. I love them more then anything and they were takin from me. I can hardly write this without tears. Not to mention she ended it with me a day prior to our daughters first birthday so needless to say I was not apart of that. I don't know what to do. I have never hated myself or my life more then I do now. I guess I feel some what better that I could come here and vent. And those of you with severe depression knows it does not matter what anyone says. All I can say is I really don't know. Thanks to everyone here who was very nice to me with my induction and when I was having medical problems with my second child you people were very supportive and. I really appreciate it!









What is happening to you is damn awful...I am like Tear...I just don't know what to say...it must have been a shock...

But I do believe when God closes a door he will open another..(and I am not a religious fanatic)...

My first priority would be finding the sub...I don't know were you are....but if you are in the US...I would be willing to damn near drive anywhere to a Dr. to get it...You must have days off..and thats what I would spend my time doing...

I live in Texas and 100 miles here is nothing to us...I would broaden my search...and find one and then go...

The first thing you have to do is feel better..then you can think better on what you want to do...after all...you have the right to see and be with your children,etc.. but better bup than dope...I would find the bup no matter what I had to do.where i had to go whatever....Then i would get my children back in my life..like on weekends ..you surely can have them every other weekend or something can be worked out...this new guy in her life may or may not work out. My son just went through the same thing and he finally said to Hell with her and got on with his life....but it was very hard in the beginning...he really loved her..and she never really loved him..the bitch...

There are good times ahead for you somewhere...your life is not over...good things will come, in time...
Just hang in there and get the sub. and get well, and take it a day at a time...we are all pulling for you..and praying for you too...
Slipper

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 12:44 am 
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i would not say to you to keep taking the pain pills, but when your in that state of being cut off in the middle of your recovery not mentioning the other depression you have you have no choice. i would say take as little as possible and you no by expr-
how much you need. and hope you try very hard on searching for clinics or even hospitalization to get a faster path back to recovery. i no how you feel. please be as easy as you can on your self.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 9:21 pm 
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I can't thank you guys enough for the support. It does give me hope knowing people understand whats going on. I'm fighting as hard as I can. When the most important parts of your life leave you because you are not good enough it's killing me. Hopefully the Heath department will work with me on the methadone. I can say Im not happy I'm using again. It does not get me high or anything but it does offer some relief and I remember now how much I fuckin hate nodding out,it is sometimes hard To keep my eyes open while driving. I will post again and let you guys know what's going on. Again the thoughtfulness of everyone here means spa lot to me!!!

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 9:41 pm 
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as i said earlier, i have been in the same partner situation, and trust me when i say that it is not because you are not good enough. it is natural to automatically assume that, but there are many other possibilities why she ran. money issues etc. the other guy is just mental enery for her to escape. she will soon see that not only is the grass not greener on the other side, but it is usually covered in dog shit. the dust will settle.


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