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 Post subject: Hating life and no help.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 8:35 am 
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Right now I'm just drowning in my sea of problems and way past the point of being tired of keeping to have to come up for air. I got so many personal problems to deal with it's constant stress, I'm the one who needs help and support, but in my situation I'm not only on my own, I'm the one holding pieces of family life together and providing the support to keep heads up. I was getting high because I couldn't handle my own problems, and I know I'm not even close to being ready to stand on my own yet. Me being put in the position of handling everything is crippling me and running me down to nothing. I put time and money into seeing 2 Doctors and a counselor regularly each month, to provide me with medication, and way to talk out and deal with my problems, but I'm sinking here and I just feel like a pay check they need to show up and shove out the door so they can get paid. My suboxone is about the only thing being maintained to a live able level, but it's more of a handy-cap then help when it comes to getting the metal heath help I need. As soon as I say suboxone I'm treated like a drug addict who needs to be watched because I'm probably just trying to trick them into giving me drugs. So I'm under medicated and given useless substitutes to medication that would probably help. I'm dealing with so much stress that it's physically and mentally wearing me down to the point I that I'm struggling day by day to try to stay on some course, and I'm being treated with half doses of medication I've been on for 5 years, and when I try to explain things are not working I'm given benadryl or some thing else just as ineffective and "not abusive". All this has my ready to just give up, find a corner and go die in it. I need my doctor to listen to what I'm going through, and readjusted my meds to best help my needs, but the doctors are too worried about my suboxone to do what needs to be done. I just don't know what to do at this point. I wish I could just say my suboxone is none of their business that why I go to another doctor who takes care of it, find a new doctor keep the fact that I'm on suboxone with the doctor who takes care of it, and let them take of mental health like a person who needs help and not some shady addict. That's the only way I would get the help tailored to my problems, instead of them tailoring my help to a suboxone user/addict. I know this is long and everyone has their own problems to deal with, but this the only place I have left to turn to get some help or advice on what to do, my doctor failed me and I have no support system at all. So any words anyone can give me that could help would be appreciated. I hope someone can understand where I'm coming from. Well I'm glad that this forum is here just having a place to vent where someone might understand is a great thing, and Thanks in advance for any direction or help anyone can give me.


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 Post subject: hating life
PostPosted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 12:21 pm 
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I'm sorry for what your going through and that really sucks that your doctors aren't helping. I know what you mean when you talk about telling a doc you are on sub,they just look at you differently. I don't know you whole situation,but is it possible for you to just get all your meds from your sub doc? I myself only go to one doc,and he's the one who prescribes my suboxone,plus Prozac for depression,Klonopin for panic attacks,and Midrin for migraines,and albuteral inhaler for asthma. He knows my whole medical history and I see him once a month. It just makes things a whole lot easier than going to a bunch of docs. I don't know if that is something you could do but for me I love it. I also understand the need to talk to a professional,like psychiatrist(sp?) That's all I can give to try and help you. Good luck with whatever road you take and keep us posted.

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 Post subject: Hating life and no help.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 1:50 pm 
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It would not only save me time and money if my suboxone doctor would give me my other medications, it would fix my whole problem of being treated like some shady drug addict, because he would know my history and be informed as to what suboxone was. What makes my situation so frustrating is that he could take care of all my medications, but told me it's his policy not to prescribe any other medications to his suboxone patients because of legal reasons. It's the fact some medications could possible interact with suboxone, such as benzodiazepines, he will not give out anything else just in case someone has a negative reaction, so he doesn't get sued or held at fault in anyway, he knows I have to go see another doctor, and that I take other medications, and is fine with it because he's not giving me them so he can't be at fault. The doctor that prescribes the other medication doesn't know enough about suboxone, so he's not giving me the proper medications, so he's not at fault if I'm some addict scamming him. So basically because these doctors are more worried about their money then helping me, I suffer with half rate help so they can make sure they keep getting paid. Until I find someone who became a doctor to help people, and not for the pay check. My situation stays the same, it's either that or just not tell the doctor I take suboxone so he treats me like a person and not an addict and a easy pay check.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 5:00 am 
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What has worked for me is seeing an addiction psychiatrist bc he specializes in both the MENTAL and SUBSTANCE ABUSE parts of my treatment. Maybe you could find one in your area? Where do you live? Maybe I could ask my guy if he could look someone up for you. Good luck with your battle, and I am so sorry you are going through this. I had the same prob when I developed thyroid disease, and no doctors would treat me how I needed to be treated even though I felt like crap. Luckily the situation is different for me with this particular disease (addiction). If I were you, I would try googling "psychatrist who specializes in substance abuse" and type in your area.


Last edited by StudentRN on Sun Nov 08, 2009 5:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 5:07 am 
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My psych doctor prescribes me BOTH subutex AND a benzodiazepine (Klonopin). I have heard that you should not mix them, but he prescribes them both to me, and I do well on both of them. Interesting...

Dont ya just love "doctors" sometimes??? :evil:


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 9:23 am 
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I appreciate you caring enough to give me some advise. I wish I could say things have gotten better, but I am getting wore down. My suboxone doctor is not metally compitent, he doesn't understand what's even going, I think he's too old to be working as a doctor. He has his wife and his daughter working there and they do everything but sign the prescription. All the doctor does is listen to my heart and lungs and leaves, if I try to stop him and ask a question he gets angry, and says his wife takes care of that. Recently more so he's been forget names, and coming back to the same room twice because he forgot if he checked you. His wife carries around the prescription pad with about 10 pre signed pages, and fills in the information. I explained the situation I'm in and the only answers I got back was I don't know what to tell you we handle the suboxone end you have to get your other meds from another doctor, because don't do that here. They are only in this for the money and are keeping the business going by having his wife and daughter do the work, and use his licence to keep it legal. I'm not just complaining based on what I think, but at least 3 other patients I've talked to all are telling me similar stories on how he's not all there any more. My psych doctors are just as bad, I'm at the worst center in my county. There are just too many people not enough help. We have some small centers that I called around to and they all only deal with under 18 cases. If your over 18 and you don't have really good insurance which is my case, you go to the county MH/MR it's a horrible place, but it gets worse. About 2 years ago our MH/MR stopped intake due to staff over load. So they put together a program in the basement of a office building for lawyers, for the spill over that MH/MR can't take called ACRP (Alternative Community Resource Program), that's where I'm stuck trying to get some kind of help. I though may be I would have a chance if I got off suboxone, and just focused on my mental health that things might get better, but with second rate help, and no suboxone to control my want to self medicate, I will relapse again, and this time if I over does again I doubt I'll make it, I hardly woke up the 1st time, and I wrecked my lungs from pretty much drowning for 14 hours before someone noticed my lips were blue, and was I pale white and cold. My personal problems and mental issues have wore me down to the point I just don't care anymore. I don't have the heart to kill my self, but if I knew where I could walk into a bullet I would. I don't care if I wake up, you can't make some change if they don't want to, and I don't want to live anymore. I'm done, not fighting to live just to hate life and saying I don't care any more is like lifting a ton of weight off my chest. PLEASE don't anyone tell me anything about not giving up and things worth about life worth living. I've made my decision and no one is going to talk me out of it, am I going to shoot my self in the head today, No, but if I see a situation and I feel that's how I want to go it's my choice. Again PLEASE don't tell me anything about not doing this or that or think this way or that way, this is the only place I have to vent, the only place I have a voice that I can leave some mark of the fact that I was a human and had feelings. If you try to preach to me all your going to do is take this place away from me, because if people start trying tell me what to think, all I'm going to do is leave and not come to post any more.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 10:17 am 
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I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough time. I wanted to share that for a long time I was convinced that I needed some type of benzo medication to deal with extreme social anxiety. I was having panic attacks anytime I was around any group of people even if it was family. After starting Suboxone and trying to take staying clean very seriously I realized that taking any other potentially abusable medications was not the way to go for me. I've read a good deal of what Dr. Junig has written about the potential dangers and relatively little use of benzo medications and I have to say I agree. My anxiety/depression has been very well managed with SSRI medication and while I had some very rough side affects at first (increased anxiety, depression, restlessness, etc) after several difficult weeks they started working and I felt like a completely different person! I guess my point is I had to learn that I'm not a Dr. and I'm not special I don't deserve to be able to determine my own medical treatment. Part of what kept me using opiates was the fact that I thought I was different than others and that opiates were the only medication that actually treated my symptoms. That thought pattern kept me sick and it wasn't until I started doing what I was told by my doctor that I started getting better. Most people I've talked to on antidepressants had a difficult time with the medication at first and many times it may seem to make things worse but after sometime of just sticking with it things get so much better! Having taken benzos in the past to try and deal with extreme anxiety issues I know that for me at least antidepressants have been much more effective at treating my symptoms and the best part is there is literally no potential for abuse.

I really hope you're able to find a doctor that can help you and I'm only saying what has worked for me I'm not in any way trying to tell you what I think you should do. It has in alot of ways been much easier letting someone else (a Dr.) determine the best way of treating my problems and well I feel so much better and safe in the fact that I don't have to worry about developing another substance abuse problem. I've learned that because tolerance builds up to benzos just like the tolerance that one develops for opiates there are better solutions for treating long term problems that will continue to work at the same dose and without the risk of abuse but as I've mentioned this has only been my experience.

Hang in there,
Matt

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 11:45 am 
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I appreciate the fact you took the time to share your advise, and also for respecting my wishes not to be preached to. I understand what your saying, and it's all good advise for someone starting on working on them selves and not feeling like they can do it. The reason I'm so far done with everything is because I've tried every drug my insurance would cover in endless doses and combinations. I've been seeing mental health doctors and talking to counselors for 6 years, and been in suboxone treatment for 3 years. It was after trying pill after pill and just feeling like a test subject that I just got frustrated and went into exploring what made me feel better, not having a regular supply of the same pill, some times I would end up with something weeker then expected, other times something stronger, and one time I took a mix that was way to strong. I've done drug counseling courses, had psych evaluations, you name it I crossed my fingers and gave it my best shot. There is not much more I can say but I'm tired.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 3:34 pm 
Dottapro - I too am sorry for what you have been going through. It sure sounds like your Suboxone doctor is pretty worthless except for keeping you on Suboxone. I've heard so many people around here talk about how Suboxone helped them so much with their depression issues. I wish that was the case for you. Is it possible your dose needs to be adjusted? I don't know if you played around with that much or not, probably so since you've been on it a while. I know you said you've been to all kinds of doctors and therapists as well, with no good results. You wouldn't think it would be this difficult to find just one good doctor or just one good counselor!! But the reality is exactly that. There are a lot of crappy docs out there and probably even more crappy therapists!
Student RN suggested looking for an addictionologist. If you've not done that, I agree with her that it would be a great idea. But I also realize sometimes it's easier said than done when you have to deal with insurance issues, etc.
Is there any way you can switch to a different Suboxone doctor? One that would actually listen to you and try to help you? That could make such a big difference for you.
I know you don't want to be preached to so I 'm not going to go there. I do hope that you find the help that you need. No one deserves to suffer as you have.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 4:15 pm 
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DottaPro, I have been where you are and have heard the same words coming out of my mouth that you are typing here. I have lived with severe depression for over 20 years and I have been on nearly every antidepressant made in various combinations, as well as various "mood stabilizers" and anti-anxiety meds.

I tried to kill myself when I was 19 and I was in a coma for 3 days. When I woke up I was angry because I was still alive and I knew what I was going to have to go through next - the long hospitalization, trying to prove to everyone that I wasn't going to do that again. I'm 36 now and while I've not attempted suicide again I've had many long days, months, even years when I had a sort of passive death wish - I wasn't going to off myself but I certainly wouldn't have minded dying.

You asked not to be preached to so I'm not gonna do it. I just wanted you to know that someone here knows how you feel. I know firsthand how hard it can be to keep going day after day in the face of an illness that steals the joy from life and drains away the will to live. I know that there are times when it just doesn't seem worth it, that you don't even care if there is any hope because you're just so ground down and tired and life has just been leached of all its color. I also know the sweet relief that opiates can bring, and the crushing depression that follows. I want you to know that you are incredibly strong to have survived your illness. Some part of your spirit is stronger than steel to have held on as long as you have, and that is a beautiful thing.

I will keep you in my thoughts Dotta. Since you don't have it in you right now to hope, I'll do it for you. If you ever want to talk, PM me, I check in here several times a day.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 5:49 pm 
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Diary of a Quitter I feel like you can see where I'm coming from, those were my same thoughts after I over dosed. All I thought was WTF I made it out, it's not fair, I played my cards I was dealt, and it was a true accident, I deserve to be done. Why make a person live this way? They don't know how to fix it? But we can give bald people hair again, and give old men boners with the option of fast acting, or over a period of a couple of days. Where are our priorities in helping the sick?


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 Post subject: Hang in there!!!!!!
PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 5:49 pm 
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My doc hasn't given me benzo's because so far I haven't wanted them, but he has said to me that benzo's are dangerous when they are mixed with bupe and "shot up". Used properly, and in moderation they are harmless, according to my doc. Over the last two months my stress and anxiety has been getting the best of me, I've almost walked out of work and quit ten times the last month alone, and probably almost lost my job because of stress and anxiety several times. I've been thinking a lot about why I started using in the 1st place, and it seems I've had these problems even before I started my decade of running away from life, seeking a chemical bliss that ruined my life. The problem I'm having seems to affect a lot of people in recovery, life gets the better of you and since we all know an almost instant way to feel better, it seems at times that using is the only way to regain sanity. The problem with that is the effectiveness of the drug declines with abuse very quickly and we would end up where we were before, addicted and lost. I still struggle with life every day, and relapse is in my mind all the time, and it is hard to get treatment for problems when your honest about your past life to doctors. The last time I had a kidney stone the 1st doc I went to I was honest, and was given flexeril and told to take advil, ya that will take away the severe pain. The next doc I went to I lied, never mentioned addiction, and was given proper medication. Ethical, no, but necessary? The thing I made sure of was talking to my sub doc about everything, and had him ok medication and treatments before even filling the Rx. I know at times it feels almost impossible to continue, I've been there a lot, and your not alone in the way you feel. Just remember the right thing is almost always the hard thing, and hang in there, your doing one of the hardest things any person can do in there life. We are all here for you, that is what makes this place special, and try to relax, smile when there is nothing to smile about, laugh when you want to cry, and keep doing what everyone around us said was impossible.

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