It is currently Thu Aug 17, 2017 5:54 am



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 28 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: hanging on by a thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 11:46 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Sun Dec 01, 2013 9:19 pm
Posts: 55
Not sure where to begin with this post, but I just HAVE to say that I've encountered many people within and not within the recovery community who assert that being on buprenorphine is the"easy" way out of addiction, and that only those who suffer the agony of CT withdrawal have the right to say that they are in recovery.
This really pisses me off, soooooo badly! I've been on subs since October and have been on cloud nine, or so I thought, since then, but today I sat down to think about the year that had just passed, and all that had happened, with my addiction and otherwise. So many things that are painful to think about, shameful to recall, all of the destruction in my wake :'(!
Aside from the bupeand the minimal therapy that goes along with that offered by my doctor, I've got no other tools in my toolbox for recovery, if that makes sense. I live no where near any meetings of any kind, and drive over two hours to see my Dr.I don't make alot of money, so right now all, and I do mean all of my money goes for Dr.and meds, soooooo seeing a therapist our shrink is out,I cannot afford it, but really wish I could. It occurred to me today that besides the bupe, nothing had really changed. I'm still in a horribly abusive, tho not physically, relationship, I'm estranged from most all my family because my bf hasn't allowed me out of the house without him for over three years. I'm too broke to take my four kids and go live on my own and continue my treatment. My boss at work is my boyfriends father and is a sexually and verbally abusive bastard, so I just realized that I'm hanging onto my sobriety by my fingernails, really! I'm pdf of cloud nine, feeling like all is well, and back to reality. And the reality is that I'm one missed appt or unfilled rx away from relapse! Easy way out my ass! I'm struggling for everyday of sobriety as much as anyone else, shit, maybe more!
I'm just feeling really low and weak right now, and missing the time when I could push these feelings out with dope, I dint wanna get high, just wishing I could not feel like this I guess. So, anyone who says that I'm not in real recovery can kiss it, cause I'm using the few recovery skills I've learned, and all I've learned here, and holding onto it like hell, as to not screw up! Thought I'd be happy today, being new years day and all, but as I thought about it all, I ended up very overwhelmed with it all, and crying like a little girl.
The NA and aa meetings are an hour or more here and I've been to a few, when I could afford to go and my "master" allowed it, and I had pretty bad experiences, so not sure what to do. Need advice and encouragement I guess........ I'm all ears guys! Thanks.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:08 am 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Sun Dec 01, 2013 9:19 pm
Posts: 55
Gotta add, I'm sitting here watching all my kids sleep. We watched a movie together tonight and they all fell asleep together on a quilt on the livinroom floor. They are beautiful and innocent and prefect and they deserve so much better than I have been. I love them so much, and I've been less than a model parent over the years, and thinking about it all with a clear head now, hurts more than I can tell you, like a shot in the guts, but worse. How did I let this happen? How could I have been so selfish? I put my selfish damn drug needs ahead of theirs more times than I can count. I an so sickened with guilt, I can barely look at myself without disgust. This damned addiction landed me and my kids stuck living in my boyfriends house, instead of our own. He loves my children and is wonderful with them and providers well for them. He is well to do with his very successful logging business, and farming also. My kids are too young to realize it, but I hate living by his"typical old southern, redneck, ultraconservative" values, and not in the good sense of any if those words. Don't know if you'll get how I mean that and I'm not sure how to describe how he and his family, and most of the people in this little town are, but my views are not popular among these people to say the least, anyway my point is,I don't like living by his rules and values and having my kids grow up with these out dated and ignorant views and values. But my dumb ass put us here with nowhere else to go! Dammit! I don't even no where to begin putting our lives back together. Hire can I teach my children anything or discipline them, or anything, when the example that I have set is so disgusting? As I said, I'm so very overwhelmed and guilty and don't know what to do with the intensity of these emotions right now.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jan 02, 2014 6:52 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Sun Dec 01, 2013 9:19 pm
Posts: 55
Still hanging on....................???!!! :-(


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
PostPosted: Thu Jan 02, 2014 11:03 pm 
Offline
6 Months or More
6 Months or More

Joined: Fri May 18, 2012 2:15 pm
Posts: 188
Hey Lizz, I dont know what happening at home with but i can tell you that early recovery can be tuff.
Remember its YOUR RECOVERY not anyones elses. If others around you want to judge you then that is there issue. Somebow ya need to find some recovery people in your life.
Go back an maybe hot aome more meetings. It can take awhile but finding clean friends is so important.
All i know is after 3 years on sub and what seems 1000 meetings, ive found people that can help me
it wasnt easy all the time but well worth it.
Its grwst that you have a family to loce
that always helps. .
Anyway i didnt know anything about recovery till i needed it. Amazing people out there that can help. And this forum and Dr. J over on the blog have taught me so much..
hang in there and keep trying ....razor...


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 7:18 am 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4127
Hi Lizzie,

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. It's never good to feel trapped, but I imagine it feels even worse to be trapped when you're responsible for 4 children. The wonderful thing about children is that I'm sure they love you to pieces! :)

You can't live in a place of guilt and regret and raise happy, healthy children at the same time. You owe it to your kids to forgive yourself and try to start every day fresh. All you can do is your best from here on out! There are things you can do to influence your children, despite being in "red-neck" central. Make sure that you encourage them to read and discover things outside of your little corner of the world.

I'm sorry that your marriage is difficult. Having a controlling husband would be incredibly hard for me as well.

Keep your chin up! And try to practice a little bit of kindness toward yourself. :)

Amy

Moderator

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 12:33 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Sun Dec 01, 2013 9:19 pm
Posts: 55
Thanks so much for the replies. I'm feeling a little bit better today. My sister that lives pretty far away popped in for a totally surprise visit, and the timing couldn't have been better, considering how low I've been feeling lately.
We stayed up all night talking about lots if things and she pretty much echoed what you guys said, so I'm really going to begin working on forgiving myself for this mess I made.
Although I'm feeling trapped right now, the stronger I get, and the further I get away from my active using days, the more options I will have for changing my circumstances. For right now though,I can keep the peace for my own sanity and the kids also. Once my dose is lowered, and visits are less frequent, I can sock away some money. So the point is to keep my eyes on the prize, a life free of drugs, and not dependent on a man for everything! :-) I've come pretty far, so I know if I stay focussed and dint dwell in the past,I can do it!
All of you have been a great source of support for me and I thank u soooooo much for that!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 3:48 pm 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 12:35 am
Posts: 2801
Location: Southwest
Hi Lizzie,

It's not the Suboxone that concerns me, it's your boyfriend that does. Okay, you messed up and moved in with him. Big mistake. You didn't mention any abuse so I'm assuming it is just his controlling behavior and different value/morals system you don't like.

Is it harmful to the kids at all? Why don't you call a women's shelter and see if they can recommend anything for you and your kids. If no damage is being done then I agree with you that saving money to move out and be on your own is a good idea. The children always come first when it concerns their living conditions. Do whatever is best for them and good will come to you too.

Do some research and see if you can find an online AA/NA chat group or something like that. Even a Skype call between you and a clean member would be supportive. Just make sure it's a female or a man you don't think will hit on you.

I wish you well.

r

_________________
Don't take yourself so damn seriously


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 7:25 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster

Joined: Sun Dec 01, 2013 9:19 pm
Posts: 55
Hey, thanks for replying rule. The boyfriend, i should say, first off, isn't physically abusive, he's just an ass! Of course it didn't start out that way, he was charming, , thoughtful, and i admit, i was attracted a bit to his money! he spoiled me and the kids rotten at first and continues to provide well materialistically, that is. But even if he was broke, it wouldn't matter to me, I've been poor all my life, and some of the happiest times in my life, I was broke as hell!
About a year or so after we got together, his jealous controlling side came to light, little things at first. It soon progresses to can't go anywhere, he picks my clothes, doesn't even let me cut my hair! I typically like it short, but he says women should look like women, that kind of thinking, really old school shit, women should be seen, and not heard, cook, clean, obey, man is the boss type stuff. It's like he wants to be my Daddy or something.
He periodical ly goes thru my phone, purse, car, etc. thinks Facebook and e mall are just clever ways to cheat, totally paranoid, considering I've never been UN faithful to him ever! Although he's accused me enough that's for sure. He has never approved of any of my friends, there all whores says him. It's hard as hell to live like that, ya know?
He is twenty three years older than i am, so alot of people say it's the age difference, idk?
I dint look at all like i used to, because of the drugs, but i used to do a little modeling, and he's like, your not leaving this house without me, you attract too much attention. No, i don't! And if i did, I'm spoken for and wouldn't cheat! I wish he'd believe that!
The kids really don't see alot if his bull shit, thank God. They really love him, and i do too. So that makes it harder, but i know we have to get outta here. He knows I wanna leave, and tells me he doesn't want us to go, but he's gotta change for us to stay. I've done an awful lot of changing and sacrificing for him, that's for sure. he tries to be understanding about the addiction and suboxone, but he was raised so differently than I was, you know, choice vs. disease,etc. Then again if we argue, he immediately brings up the drugs! So frustrating! He conveniently forgets that he helped supply my problem for over a year. He's never done any drugs at all, but got them for me often so I wouldn't be sick, then when out started to get too expensive for him to afford, he'd throw it in my face all the time and call me a junkie, and blame any problems he had with his business on my habit, I ended up suicidally guilt ridden, which only served to escalate my habit. Together we were spending over two hundred bucks a day to keep me high and or out of withdrawal! I regret it all soooooo much!
thanks for the info about on line meeting, i didn't know about those, I'll def. Be checking into that, and I'll make sure i talk to a woman also :-) , if prefer it, and I'm sure my "Daddy" would too lol.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2014 9:30 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:54 pm
Posts: 626
Location: Virginia
just wanted to give a little update to this thread. I'm doing much better these days, starting to make some clean friends and not dwell on the past so much anymore. I've completely cut all drug associations out of my life. my boyfriend, Steve had come around quite a bit as well, I think because he's seen positive changes in me. he even said he was p roud of me, as he wasn't sure if this would work. I credit much of it to the support and info I get from this forum and it's members. I visit and read here daily, and also have a new doctor and psychiatrist that I really like a lot. things seem to be falling into place very nicely. it's been almost four months since I started on Suboxone and I haven't slipped once since then. I'm grateful to have finally found something that actually worked at taking me out of the misery of active addiction. Suboxone has allowed me to come this far and prove those who said I'd never change wrong. I'm in good place today!


Top
 Profile  
 
   
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2014 11:51 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:39 am
Posts: 4028
Location: Sitting at my computer
I just now read through this thread and had to say how impressed I am with how far you've come in such a short time. I'm glad your bf is coming around, too. Keep up the great work!!

_________________
Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2014 2:14 pm 
Offline
Power Poster
Power Poster
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:28 am
Posts: 85
Location: Reading, Pennsylvania
im happy for you lizzie..ive followed your thread, and have conversed in other threads with you, you're a great person and don't deserve what has gone on in your life, so im very happy that things turned around for you!

_________________
It's All God's Children Singing Glory, Glory, Hallelujah, He Reigns!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2014 6:46 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:54 pm
Posts: 626
Location: Virginia
Awww, thanks guys! I always feel better after coming here. y'all have been a major source of support for me in my early recovery.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2014 7:30 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jul 27, 2013 10:28 am
Posts: 666
Way to go Lizzie! :D

I've kept up with your thread, and read most of your posts to others. You always give good advice while providing additional support to those in need. Your dealing with so much right now, and you continue to hold your head high. Your very inspiring, and sure to help many with your story. You have every right to be very proud of yourself.

You hang in there now and I hope your BF situation changes for the better real soon. Take care.

Karen xoxo


Top
 Profile  
 
   
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2014 8:54 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:54 pm
Posts: 626
Location: Virginia
Brown eyed girl,

thanks so much for your encouraging words. I've also followed your threads and your posts to others are always so kind and thoughtful and full of good advice. your taper threads are surely a great help and inspiration to those who are ready to leave Suboxone behind. I'm sure your story gives much hope to others that they'll be successful in their tapers as well. I hope that reading how much Suboxone has helped me to get my life back will help others feel better about their decision to use Suboxone in their recovery, and to not pay attention to those who would discourage them from taking a medication that could save their life


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jan 30, 2014 2:28 am 
Offline
Moderator
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2012 4:42 am
Posts: 4127
I just wanted to add my congratulations for all of the improvements in your life! Way to go, Lizzie! You just keep on working on your recovery and I'm sure you'll keep going in a positive direction. I'm really surprised, but pleased that your boyfriend has started to be supportive! That's awesome!

Keep up the good work!

Amy

_________________
Done is better than perfect!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 9:27 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:54 pm
Posts: 626
Location: Virginia
So, I've been feeling tough, fighting a cold, and it's the first time I've really been sick since starting recovery, and the emotions, cravings etc, have really hit me harder than I'd ever imagined they would. I'd been kinda just reading here a couple days nit saying much, but I'm having a tough time guys, and today my dog died! I know right.... just when things were really sucking bad enough, my little rat terrier Daisy died :'( dont know what happened to her, son went to feed her and found her.
I've never had to cope with so so so much at once, lots of crazy memories and emotions going on right now( have talked privately to others on forum about sum of this) cravings, just so sad right now,eww I'm puking all over the forum... sorry, on top of being sick.
anyone else get these emotional/ craving/ crying jags when sick/ stressed/ or depressed? how do you deal? suggestions are certainly welcome.
so you come home from a hard day at work and think " man, today sucked!" then your dog dies? wtf? that's a bad day!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 10:04 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jul 27, 2013 10:28 am
Posts: 666
Awww Lizzie, I'm so sorry to hear about Daisy. :( And to be already sick on top of it has to be a rough time for you right now. I'm thinking about ya, and wishing you a speedy recovery. Let me know how I may help ok? Take care of yourself.
Karen xoxo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 10:11 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:54 pm
Posts: 626
Location: Virginia
thanks Karen. :-( . I gotta quit wallowing though. I got 4 sad little kids moping around the house now too. oldest son (15) trying to be so tough though. it's admirable how strong he's trying to be for mama. he buried her for me. now he's locked in his room, so is my little girl. what a sad little evening in my house tonight... RIP Daisy girl!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 11:36 pm 
Offline
6 Months or More
6 Months or More

Joined: Fri May 18, 2012 2:15 pm
Posts: 188
Really really sorry to read about that little sweet dog. There such a huge part of the family. So hard on everyone. Big dog lover here. We have two now. One 12, the other 10. Have lost 3 in my life time..just hang in there Lizz...the cravings though, why do you think they have come?.reread this whole thread. Sounds like lifes been inproving. Well recovery has its ups and downs. And there will be tough days. Like just yday, i spent 16 hours dealing with a kidney stone!!! Ill tella the world stopped!!! Even took 2mgs more of sub..not much help..anyway again hang in there, and prayers to you and yours Lizzz........razor...


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2014 11:49 pm 
Offline
Super Poster
Super Poster
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jan 22, 2014 4:07 pm
Posts: 155
Lizzie,

I have seen you around the forums, but this is the first I am reading of your story. I want you to know that you have every reason to be proud of yourself. You've come a long way in a short period of time, and I am sure that you will go farther!

I am very saddened to hear of your friend Daisy. I am a big animal person myself so I know how to tough it can be to lose a member of your family. This is one of those, Life on Life's Terms moments. I know that doesn't make it easier, but just know you're not alone in how you feel. Drowning your sorrows in drugs won't make the pain go away. The only thing that can make the pain better is to deal with the loss head on. Talk with your kids about it. Find out how they feel, help them through it.... they are having a tough time as well. They will learn from you, and how you deal with it.

When My father took his life last year, I used that as a reason to use and use big. During that time, I neglected to deal with the loss or with my other family members. That made it that much worse when I started getting sober. I never gave myself time to grieve or the comfort of grieving with family. The pain was still there but now I had to deal with the fact that I was checked out when others needed me to be strong, like my step mother and younger brother. I wasn't there for them when they needed someone. I didn't go to the funeral home, I didn't go to the funeral, I just didn't do anything but get high and feel sorry for myself. Now I am more sorry that I wasn't there for my family when they needed me.

A loss is always tough to deal with, not only for us recovering addicts. Don't dwell on what you've lost... we will all lose someone we love... that's just life... what we can do is to cherish the memories that that person (or pet) gave to us and be thankful for the time we were allowed with them. Just remember the good times.

Of course all of this is easier said than done. I am here for you should you need someone to talk to and I am sure there are other who will offer their support. This site has been one of the greatest tools I have found for raising my spirit. The people here keep me going sometimes as it seems to be a bit easier for me to take advice from someone "outside". I hope you find the same here.


Much love,

John (Reprieve)

_________________
" Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."
- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 28 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group