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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 2:06 pm 
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Hi everyone, I just wanted to give an update to those of you who already know me and to those of you who dont, hopefully you can learn from my experience even though I know us addicts prefer to learn the hard way.
Anyhow, I relapsed. YUP I did. I was on sub for just short of a year. I was using heroin for 3 months straight prior to sub. TERRIFIED of withdrawl, I learned about suboxone and induced onto 16+mg a day and started to taper about 4 months into being on sub. It took me what seemed like forever to get off sub. I tapered to 0.0625 and walked away from sub. I did not realise that it would be so difficult at the time to get off sub and once I did, I thought "Never again" But here I am once again back on sub. I was clean 3 weeks. JUST 3 WEEKS and I caved in. I was tired and had a lack of motivation, HOWEVER I WAS coming back around. I just got impatient, flew the coupe and caved in. Started smoking heroin again. I started off gonna just use here and there. (yeah right) Did not happen. Then I said, "after this gram I am done". That gram lasted over 2+WEEKS. Then I got more and the rest of the story well, as you can see, I am back on the forum. I missed you guys!! LOL. SO I was smoking a very very small amount of heroin for a month. After 2 weeks in, the good feeling was GONE and I was just using to feel normal. SO I had planned to stop a few times and all kinds of events kept happening that made me tell myself "OK stop when this is better, stop when vacation is over, stop when so and so has her baby". I finally realised there is never gonna be a perfect time to stop using. So I last used yesterday (Friday) at noon. I was feeling crappy by evening but I went out to dinner w/ friends and had a good enough time. It took my mind off feeling like shit. (I do not drink BTW), I knew I wanted to be close to 24 hrs with NO using becasue who the hell knows what dealers use to cut their dope with. I think the new thing is fentanyl (the kind the mexicans cook up in their bathtub type of fent) cut heroin. I read where ya gotta be off fent. for a long time before switching to sub. to avoid precipitated WD. So my aim was for 24 hrs give or take. I went to bed 9 pm after taking 2mg of xanax. I wanted to sleep thru the worst cuz i am a wussy. I woke up today feeling like HELL. (Again I am a wussy and HELL to me is probably medioaker to many others) I Took half a mg of sub (.5) waited to see what would happen, not feeling better I took another half a mg. still nothing to write home about, then as I am PM'ing a cherished forum buddy, something kicked in. :shock: I am feeling better. :shock: I am feeling WAAAY better off JUST 1 mg of suboxone. Can you BELIEVE? I can't. But I am thrilled BC I do not intend to stay on sub. I will detox for the next 5-10 days and be done. I know it is ill advised and I know the reason why. I relapsed after just 3 weeks and I do not even have a long history w/ heroin. I have only done it these 2 times aside from experamenting as a teen many many years ago (im 40 now)
DO NOT worry though, for I have a plan guys. I never went to meetings before, no counseling, I have always believed myself to be determined and able to do anything on my own. And in the past I have succeeded, (sorta).....Now I have decided to make a change. I bought 2 books on addiction. One being "Healing the Addicted Brain". The other "Freedom from Addiction" by Deepak Chopra. (who has a center just 2 miles from me) I plan to attend a meeting, (or 2 if I like them.) I am getting involved with a substance abuse counselor. I am going all out this time BC I just want to end this BS rollercoaster I have allowed myself to get on. I am sick of drugs and I am sick of being sick from drugs. For those of you who do not know me, (from the forum) I live a completely double life. I am a seasoned therapist, (21+ years holistic massage) I do Bikrams yoga, I am a vegan/Vegetarian. I am the person people come to for advise. I am a nutrition junky. I am a single mommy to 3 teens. (well one is basically an adult 20) An advocate for everything natural and hollistic. I walk and hike. I am kind, NONE of my friends are druggies. (they do drink which I do not) Here, I am very concearned about EVERYTHING I put into my body and yet in my closet I am smoking heroin off cheep tinfoil... So ya never know who addiction can affect. It is a very sad thing and I care so much for the ones who do not have access to suboxone. We are very very lucky to be able to quit warm instead of cold turkey. This Suboxone stuff, It is (can be) a blessing.
Thank you all for being here and I wish everyone a wonderful, beautiful weekend. Sincerely, Kimberly


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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 2:50 pm 
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Hey Sweet 16,

I AM glad you are back!!!! Thanks for letting us know the truth and I know that took a lot of courage. Just because you fell off the wagon doesn't mean you cant get back on. I wish you the best and let me know how you are doing.

Courtney :D


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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 3:01 pm 
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Hey Sweet,

Welcome back to the land of the living!!

As you're bound to hear in one or two of those meetings you go to, relapse is often a part of recovery. You know my story and you know I relapsed several times before finally getting this recovery of mine on track. Use this relpase of yours as a learning experience. What lead up to it?? How did it feel to be back on drugs again?? Did you have any control of your drug use?? etc., etc. Again, learn from this relapse.

I'm proud of you and I'm excited to hear you're considering working on your recovery.

This recovery thing is an amazing journey, it's scary at times, it's enlightening at times, but most of all, it's an awesome journey to be embraced, IMO.

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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 5:36 pm 
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Hi sweet!!!!!!

Im sorry your having a hard time, :wink: But we're ALL here for you!!!!

Im happy you decided to give recovery another chance........Thats the hardest part, in my opinion, stopping and telling ourselves we DO have a problem.

So just pick yourself up and dust yourself off, and give it another try. I finally have 'made it' 13 months with suboxone in the backseat, but I tried and failed miserably
MANY
MANY
MANY
times!!!!!!!!

I think romeo has a 'masters' in this department!! LOL He knows, Im not meaning this in a bad way!!!!!

Keep Fighting the good fight :wink:
and welcome back!!!!!

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That's TRUE STRENGTH
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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 6:44 pm 
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^^^^^ LOL!!! I may have a masters in stupidity, but that's about it. :D

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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 8:00 pm 
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Hey Sweet,

I've only been on Suboxone a short time (4 months).

And although I don't know you, I am proud of you.
You came back here and admitted what happened. I don't know that I could have done that. Props for that alone.

You've heard some great advice from the long timers and this newbie is learning from your experience,

Thank you for that !


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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 9:49 pm 
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OMG! Thanks all of you guys. It really is good to be back. In a really screwed up way, but hey, I feel like you are my real friends to know what is really going on in my life. I am the pillar of strength in the real world. Or so it would seem to many people looking at me from their point of view.

Courtney B, THANK YOU for the warm welcome back. I appreciate your kind words. I know I will get off sub again and exchange my destructive behavior for a healthy positive one. I am now digging into this book of Deepak Chopra's and I am liking it a lot.

Thanks Romers, Yes, I have heard that relapse is a part of recovery. Funny thing is that I actually used that as permission to use again. That is how rediculous the addicted mind can get. I knew better. I was like OK I will use just one day here and one day there, but NO MORE than 3 days in a row. wow...this brain is funny. From the day I scored, I used consistantly for 4 weeks straight. Kept coming up w/ excuses why I could not stop yet. Well the good news is I AM still ALIVE and now I am also AWAKE. What lead up to it? LOTS...Stress, being impatient, intention. I knew I would use again. What did I learn? I am going to think more on that answer if I may. I will say however, that I have learned a new respect for suboxone and what it is meant for. I know I should not be using it as a means to get detox if my intentions are to use again. I am going to dig deep for some answers this time. I know this is not to be taken lightly and I sure hope it does not seem like that. I just have a light heartedness about my issues. Probably BC I do not (like many addicts) like to expose my emotions. But I am working on it.

Amber!!! I did not know you were OFF subs. Well that is truly wonderful. Thank you for the encouragement. This place is truly a godsend for me and I know so many others.
Lindy2012, I remember my 4 month mark. It is where I started my taper. Thanks for understanding. Actually I debated weather I would come back to the forum and admit a relaps. I was one of those people that is not so gUnghO onlongterm sub use. In fact I was PISSED that my doctor did not explain how difficult it was to get off sub. But NOW I see that sub is really not that hard to get off, it just seems that way when going thru it. I was gonna attempt to kick heroin CT but after I tried, HELL NO I can NOT.. Sub on the otherhand, I wish everyone had access to its wonder. I have an entirely new belief on suboxone. It is not all sunshine and roses, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. That reason is not apparent right now, but I know it will reveal itself in time. Maybe just ONE person on this forum will understand that getting off sub really is the easy part. STAYING off your DOC without that cushion, that safety net, now THAT is the hard part my friends. They say " A FOOL learns from his mistakes but a WISE man learns from those mistakes of others"
So I did 1 mg total this AM and then I made a smoothy. Decided to walk to the beach and meditate, read and think some things thru. I even prayed..... :D Something I have started doing most recently. I ended up taking another 1/2 mg at 5pm. So I am thinking I will do 1mg in the morning and 1/2 mg at night. I will do this for the next 5 days then taper rapdly till I am off. I only have(had) 10 strips. 2mg strips. Does anyone have any experience with a rapid detox like this???(yes I know very risky... I am prepared)
Have a good eve. everyone....


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PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2012 11:24 pm 
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by 'backseat' I meant, with me.

guess that was a bad way of puttin it :lol:

oh well.

GLAD YOUR BACK anyways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2012 12:10 am 
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Amber, does that mean you've got some junk in your trunk? lol Don't get me started with the euphemisms! I could go all night!

Kimberly, I haven't been here for very long, and I don't have a lot of experience under my belt, but it seems to me that others put an awful lot of pressure on you by looking to you for advice and healing. Does that translate into you putting a lot of pressure on yourself? The fact that you were determined to do it on your own, tells me that perhaps you have a hard time accepting help from others. Then there's the fact that you feel like you can't show your problems to others in your real life, only at an anonymous forum. If you add that up (if I'm even correct), you have put yourself in a very difficult position! You feel the need to show perfection to everyone around you, including yourself. I think you've realized how unsustainable that is, and I'm so glad you're reaching out for help this time! Please give yourself a break. What's the worst that would happen if some of your clients and friends knew that you have problems too? They might appreciate that they're not the only one with problems. As a massage therapist you must know the importance of self-care. Maybe part of your self-care would mean that you could accept love and support from those closest to you. By making sure that there are no chinks in your armor, you are also cutting yourself off from those who would welcome the opportunity to give you a soft place to fall.

If I'm totally off-base, I apologize. There's just part of me that cries out to people who don't allow themselves the same healing that they constantly dole out to others.

I'm on your side! Good luck to you.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2012 12:50 pm 
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Hi Amy ,thanks for your observations & taking the time to really give your 2cents although I would pay a heck if a lot more for that great advice. You have a very good point. Actually a few very good points. I AM a Capricorn and yes I am pretty hard on myself & I do reach for perfection as much as possible. It has been very difficult, in the past, to accept help from others. I am the type of person who rarely asks for anything. I have even had a difficult time accepting gifts and even compliments. I have become more aware of these things and have been changing. In my business as a therapist, there is opportunity to share my issues with certain clients. It's nice because I develop a bond with some of them, which is considered poor ethics, though I am a rule bender sometimes. I have often said that my job is my social life, my therapy, my source of income and a form of exercise. I feel lucky in many ways. Yes this forum is one of few outlets for me. Even my BFF does not know about the relaps. There are few people in my life that even know about my drug binges. I intend to find a good addiction therapist and some spiritual guidance as well. I've had zero experience with either. I keep saying I'll do a meeting. I shudder at the thought of "Shareing" my deepest secrets w/ other ppl who are messed up too. At least online there's a buffer of sorts. Anyhow thank you again for giving me quality advise. Amy, it's apparent that you gave some serious thought into your words and that I truly appreciate. Thank you so much


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PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2012 2:10 pm 
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Hi 16 and welcome back, although I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you back here.

When I first read your post, my knee jerk reaction was that you needed sub for longer! But I wondered if my reaction was just that - a reaction, not a response. So I took a step back and let it ruminate for awhile before posting.

Now having done that, I have come to the conclusion that I still believe you might benefit from spending more time on suboxone. Wait, belay that - I want to revise that sentence. I think it would behoove you to THINK some more about staying longer on suboxone. You are making this decision with OPIATES in your brain, stopping all cravings. What happens when they come crashing back?
That aside....

You talked about your life and your profession, etc, and how it's a double life. Do you have any plans on coming out of the closet? Have you thought about how continuing to hide this from everyone reconciles with the honesty that goes along with recovery?

These are just things to think about. I'm not telling you what I think is the right thing to do. Hell, it doesn't even matter what I think is right. It only matter what YOU think is right for YOU.

Anyway, I'm just suggesting to take more things into consideration, that's all. Recovery from opiate addiction through complete abstinence is extremely difficult. It requires many changes in you and your entire life. Again, I ask, how does that coincide with your double life?

Regardless of how you proceed forward, I'm glad you come to us for support. We're here to have your back no matter what you decide. Good luck moving forward. :)

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PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2012 2:50 pm 
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Hey Sweet,

I've been busy the last couple of days and I'm catching up on some new threads right now, and I just saw this one. I wondered about you and how you were doing about a week ago because I noticed that I hadn't seen you around here in a while. It's good to hear from you, but I'm sorry to hear about your relapse.

I'm sure a lot of people stay away from this forum when they are relapsing though. I wouldn't want to come on here during a relapse either, since it would cause me to actually think about and face how what I am doing, and how I am just hurting myself...and hurting the buzz I'm sure!

I'm glad you came back to share your experience and that you are getting the help you need with subs and by seeking therapy!


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PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2012 5:58 pm 
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Hey Hat & Taurus. Oh yeah, I did not want to come back to the forum and tell on my self. I was buy buzzing about thinking I was getting all the things done that I had let go while on sub. In reality I did get many things done (H does that for me) but it was like 2 steps forward 3 steps back. I have not worked in a few days but I planned to be away.
Hat~I have actually tossed the possibility around in my head of staying on sub. At this point I seriously doubt I will. However in the future if I relapse once again it will be something I will consider. I totally understand where you are coming from however and I would most likely give the same advise to someone else in my shoes. I have been off H for just over 50 hrs. I so far, have not had ONE craving. In fact I have not even thought about heroin. Now when I just typed that I did get naseous. I would consider that to be a good thing. I know I have not been off of it very long at all and that it is still more than likely in my system somewhere. Also I am aware that Sub is an opiate too. I have taken far below the celing amount for sub. I took a total of 1.5 mg yesterday and even though I did not sleep very well and sweatted my tush off, I have not felt a need to increase my dose nor have I experienced any cravings for either opiate. I will just ride this one out and see how I do. I have much to think about in the next few weeks and will certainly ponder many of the very questions you posted. I Thank you HAt for your kind support.

Taurus~ How are YOU doing my dear? I hope well. Yes being away from the forum had much to do w/ using. I was in my own little world and thought very little about Suboxone zone. I did not think I would even take sub again. I did try to detox CT but it was far too scarey for me. In fact I have never CT before. Only w/ sub. I suppose if I did I would likely NEVER have done H again.
I can not think of much else to report. Have a relaxing Sunday afternoon.


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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 4:16 pm 
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I'm doing good. Still have the libido problem (non-existent), and even told my sub doctor, but he said I need to go to gyn & get bloodwork, which I already knew. I haven't tried the DHEA that you recommended because I'm afraid to mess with hormones.


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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 5:55 pm 
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Tarurs. Let me tell you that while on H and sub my libido was in the toilet. When I am not on drugs, I am within normal range. DHEA, yes will mess w/ your hormones. It will INCREASE the horny ones sister. I thought I was getting acne, turns out it was just flea bites from my sons cats.. :shock: Believe me I know it sucks to have a low libido. It is one of the MAIN reasons I am choosing to stay off sub & H. Aside wanting to be free from meds/drugs. Are you tapering off subs? What dose are you on? I can still function within normal range since being on sub for the past 3 days but I am on less than 2 mg daily. In fact today I have just taken .5 mg upon rising. I am just using it to detox for 7 days of no H. I do not want to go back on sub if I can possibly stay the course and not use drugs. I was at 3 weeks clean and I got impatient. I was almost feeling near normal, but I jumped the gun and wanted mad energy so I used. No too smart. I did learn, Hat & Rome, that I must be patient with my recovery. I must continue to fight daily to carry on a normal life and do the things I need and want to do reguardless of the energy or lack there of. I have learned other things too and continue to discover the lessons of relapse.
Day 3 here. 1/2 mg sub this morning. A long walk on the beach, a short meditation, some errands and a bit of work. Now I am home for the day. Going to relax and read my recovery book and watch a movie, and meditate again before bed. Hope all is well with my forum friends and thanks again for the support, wisdom and advice. Blessings to all, K


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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 10:11 pm 
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sweet16 wrote:
DHEA, yes will mess w/ your hormones. It will INCREASE the horny ones sister.


Yep, those are the ones I need!! And my bf agrees...I feel so guilty. As soon as I get medical insurance I am making an appt to have my hormone levels checked so I can address this!

I am not tapering off of subs any time soon. I still feel that I need to be on them for a while.

I am going to research meditation techniques because I have been experiencing anxiety a lot lately. I've seen hatmaker's thread on meditation in the Opiates and Chronic Pain section of the forum, and I am interested in trying it out. My sub doctor will not prescribe me benzos, even though I have never had a problem with them before. I tried meditation a long time ago, but couldn't sit still or keep my mind from constantly wandering, but maybe this time I will be able to since that was over 10 years ago.


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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 10:26 pm 
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I forgot to tell you that I have been on 4mg/day for a while. My sub doctor advised me to try raising my dose to see if my anxiety gets any better, so I did start taking 6mg/day. But I was hesitant to do so because I wanted to be on the lowest dose that addresses my cravings and that keeps me out of wd, and 4mg did that. Also because I don't want the side effect of constipation to worsen. As it is, I only go once a week, and that is with the help of OTC meds! :oops:


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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 10:53 pm 
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I have been meditating. One of the best ways I have discovered to meditate and succeed it to focus on the point inside the tip of your nose, where each breath begins and ends. When your mind veres off that focus, simply acknowledge that thought and return to your focus.
One other is with in breath say sooooo and with exhale say huuuummmm. You do not need to even say it aloud. If you just focus on thinking sooo with each inhale and hummm with each exhale. That works pretty good for me. I am reading the book "Freedom from Addiction. Depak Chopera. Check it out. Good luck my friend.


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PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 12:07 am 
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WHAT?? DHEA makes a woman horny?? COOL!!!!

I'm gonna go buy my wife a great big ol' tub of that stuff, it's gonna be happy times for me tomorrow!!

I knew if I hung around this crazy forum long enough that it would eventually pay off.

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PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 1:09 am 
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LOFL Romeo!! You are too funny!!

You haven't gathered that from out other past posts about DHEA? You must have been half asleep that day when you read those older posts. :D

Thanks for the advice sweet. It's so hard for me to clear my mind and focus on nothing. Thoughts always keep entering from nowhere. I'm sure it's probably that way for a lot of beginners though. I'll check out that book.


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