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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 9:07 am 
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I can't believe I'm writing this or that it is actually happening.

Many of you know I have been struggling with this for a long time. Recently, I wanted to taper while my Sub doc felt that my issues would be better addressed by raising my dose. I decided to take direction for the first time in my life and do it her way. She was right that raising my dose leveled me out and stopped me from "feeling" my dose, which in turn solved the problem of me wanting to take more when I was stressed because I felt it.
But with those issues being solved it brought me back to the side effects that I can no longer cope with: feeling foggy, sluggish, no affect, no motivation, no desire for sex or intimacy of any kind.

Last week I met a friend at a meeting and I told her I felt like I was nodding out at the wheel, and she said she feels like that on Sub, too. Then a couple of days ago I left a candle burning (not in a jar) for a night and half a day and almost burned my house down. I think that was the last straw for me. I just know I need to stop. I was finally in a bad enough space to make that call.

I can't do a long, slow taper. I know once I get to a certain point i can take more and it will get me high. I did a relatively fast taper and jumped before because I was being cut off by a doc who was losing his license. And yes, I said is wasn't that bad. And yes, I DO still stand by that.

So why am I going inpatient? I'm doing it as a gift to myself. I have been abusing drugs since I was 14 and I'm 47 now. I've never been in any formal treatment program other than outpatient PHP. Yes, I can soldier through another Sub withdrawal like I did the last one, taking care of two kids, the house and going to work (part time), but I just don't WANT to. I'm going to a place where they taper you off Sub with a short acting opiate to start, and a lot of comfort meds. Plus, I won't have to cook, clean or take care of anyone or anything but myself - for the first time in my life, really (before I had kids, I took care of my grandmother with Alzheimer's).

So, I'm scared - not of the detox because it think it will be even easier than the last one. I'm just scared of leaving my kids behind for 21 days. But I know in the long run it will be better for them. I also know I'm really going to have to work a program when I get home - starting with a 90 in 90 which I've never done before either. But after this sacrifice by my family and the expense, I HAVE to make it stick this time. This is the END OF THE ROAD for me. I think I've circled the block enough times. So, I hope you will wish me luck.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 1:38 pm 
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Yes Lilly I wish you lots of luck!

I think its a great decision and you deserve to take care of yourself for once.

I went to inpatient once and didnt listen to a thing they said. Now I wish I had.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes. When do you leave?


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 4:49 pm 
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Good luck Lilly u will do great and i think its a good thing to take urself out of ur house and go somewhere honestly i wish i couldve afforded to do that sooooo take care of urself i know ull miss ur kids but look what is at the end of the road no subs and ur kids keep us updated!!!!!! :wink:

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 7:19 pm 
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Good Luck Lilly!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 10:09 pm 
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Good Luck Lilly!! My 6 yr old daughters name is actually Lilly.. well Lyllian is her full name but we call her Lilly. Anyways, I think what you're doing is AMAZING.. I havent tapered yet but honestly I think I would have alot of the same issues as you, Im a mother of 5 between the ages of 9mon-8yrs and I cant be sick at any time with that much to take care of daily plus I just dont have that much faith in myself about tapering, I could never do it before. I really hope that you do well and get everything you need from this program. I really do envy you for realizing this is what you need. I hope you come back and let us know your outcome.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 19, 2013 11:30 pm 
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Kickass Lilly. I've been following your journey getting off Sub pretty closely. I really hope you stay in touch with the forum a bit more this time, if anything because I want to know how you go. I know going to lots of meetings can make you feel like there's less need to check-in here but please do.

As for inpatient detoxes. They can be really good. Make sure they're familiar with Sub detoxes. Most would be by now you'd assume. When I did inpatient detoxes, Sub was a pretty new drug... and they used Suboxone to get me off the heroin I had been using to get me off the Sub... and boy that was the worst detox I'd ever been through.

However it sounds like they know what they're doing - tapering you down with a milder short acting opioid should (in theory) get you through the worst parts of the Sub detox, and leave you with a milder shorter withdrawal to contend with after. Interesting to know what shorter-acting opioid they're using. Places I've been to have used Doloxene, though that's not available in the US. Having a 21 day stay is also a good idea. That should be ample time to get you through it.

But you know the real challenge will come once you leave. Those places can give people a false sense of security. If you can try to have a "transition" period where you get leave and can contend with the outside world, while being able to report back to the clinic with how you went on return.

Good luck!


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 Post subject: A New Adventure
PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 12:49 am 
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Lilly,

I won't wish you luck because that has nothing to do with detoxing and staying clean afterwards. What I will wish you is commitment, will, less painful detox, and the peace of mind knowing you're doing the right thing for the right reasons.

We've watched you struggle for a long time now and it sounds like you are really ready to do this. I wish you luck!! ha ha, just had to say that.

You probably won't be able to log in here for either the whole 21 days or maybe after a week they may let you. But do try to let us know how you are doing and if you agree with their detox methods. I suppose you did do some checking around before choosing that rehab center.

Congratulations on making the decision to improve your life and not wait anymore. With all these posts about stopping it sure is making me think more and more about doing the jump. So you see, just doing it yourself helps others.

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 Post subject: Hi
PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:35 am 
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Oh my freind, I'm so glad I came to check in on new posts or I might have missed you.

I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart. You have made a brave decision. I am so proud of you. I understand the struggles and the frustration. You must do what is best for YOU now. It is your time. I guess you won't be able to be in touch while you are in treatment but please let me know how you are when you can. I feel like I have known you for so long and I do love you so.

I will pray for you my sweet. Queenie will be out here thinking of you and wishing you all the good and happiness that will come from this. Be brave. Be strong. I will be here waiting for you. You go girl!!!! You GO!!!!!

Queenie


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 2:44 am 
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Lily, I'm sure this is the right decision for you and I'm glad that you are taking the time to put yourself first for three weeks! This is probably exactly what you've needed! I'll keep you in my prayers and make sure you keep us updated.

Amy

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 3:00 pm 
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Lilly Lilly Lilly!

That sounds great. I'm happy you're at the point of wanting to be FREE of this SHIT.

Put yourself first, enjoy the vacation from family and get ready for that libido to skyrocket in flight.

( Only thing I'd have to say about it being inpatient and you not having to deal with kids and family ( Stay Active ! ) you know first hand how atrocious it can be when you just sit around. )

Best of luck Lilly! You've been their constantly for me, I'll do the same for you!

Prayers, love and puppy dogs.

:lol:

-Andrew


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 6:49 pm 
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Lilly, I'm happy for you. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing! I wish I could go with you. At this point, I've about concluded that going inpatient for at least 30 days will be my best, if not my only hope of getting and staying off opiates...Sub and all.
The only thing that might allow me to do it without going inpatient is the fact that my kids are much older than yours. My youngest leaves for college this Fall, which will leave me with just my two pups and my husband and house to tend to after she leaves for college. That's kind of my last stop to see if I can do it. At least that's what I'm telling myself today!
I just feel so much in common with your situation and history with Sub....not enough Sub leads to cravings and inevitable lapses with agonists. Too much Sub leads to a zombie-like state, no motivation, no libido, etc. I've done this dance for way too long and I'm ready to have it end, but can't seem to ever quite get it done. I've said many times that if I could be removed from my life, have minimal day to day responsibilities and have no expectations from others for a few weeks, I think maybe I could get and stay off everything. It's the pressure to perform for others and the expectations I place upon myself that make this motivation problem so overwhelming for me.
So I think this is a great gift for you to give to yourself and your loved ones, Lilly! I am happy for you and I know you're ready! So how are your husband and other loved ones reacting to your decision to go inpatient? I know it'll be tough to be away from your kids, but it the grand scheme of life, it's not that long of a time in exchange for them to have their mommy healthy and whole from now on.
Stay strong and you'll be in my prayers. Try to keep in touch. When do you leave, if you don't mind sharing? Also, if you don't mind sharing, what sort of program is it....12 step based, I'm guessing? Or maybe something different. I'm so optimistic for you!


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 7:54 pm 
Jeez, im glad im not the only one who says they feel there dose. When i take it everyday i get a elevated buzz for about 7 hours or so.


I really hope you do well in getting clean off of opiates! To think that they switch you back to short acting opiates to get off sub is proof this is a merry go round ride from hell and back. If you have the energy to maybe log what kinda medicine they switch you to... dose, frequency, and all that... I would love to read how the detox centers get people off of sub. Maybe i can mimic it! : )

You can get off the soul eating suboxone! Please be a success story for everyone else to look up to. My time is up on coming to terms with myself and becoming sick of suboxone aswell. Lets do this!


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 9:30 pm 
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Hi Lilly,

I'm wishing the absolute best for you during this new chapter. I don't blame you one bit for going the more comfortable route and I hope it makes it easier for you, even if it's just a little bit. I honestly don't know how one goes through detox with kids depending on them.. I am in awe of anyone who can do that. You deserve this time to focus on yourself 110%. I hope to read future updates and please know that we're all here, wishing you great success.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 7:53 am 
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Wow you guys , the outpouring of support here is just amazing, and I appreciate it very much. I'm leaving for the airport in under 2 hours and it still doesn't seem real.

I'll try to answer a couple of the questions. I understand that the medication system is "blind" meaning they give it to you in a juice, methadone style. I think it's because as addicts we often judge how we feel by what and how much we're taking, not by reality. I said I would take exactly ZERO methadone or Suboxone and they say they don't use it. It is a SAO and Benzo mix. I have read on other forums that it is either hydro or dilauded and Valium, but I can't confirm that.

This is interesting, I told my Sub doctor yesterday that i was going, and she said she would come and visit me. I'm like, it's in Florida....well, it so happens she is going to be in the same city next week and she said she would come - which is totally awesome in my book. I didn't expect to have any visitors at all. Plus, maybe they'll tell the doc what they're giving me?

The family is taking it pretty well, although they are stressed, too. When I went off Sub last year for 6 months my husband said I "came back" which is pretty telling, so he wants me to do whatever it takes. My youngest is upset about me leaving, but what can I do? I find myself telling her 12 step stuff, like take it one day at a time. I'm lucky they have a father in the picture, plus my mother will help. I was anxious about telling my mother yesterday because she has been in denial about me being an addict for decades - but that's another story.

So, yes, I will keep you posted as much as I can. I will be thinking of all of you.
Blessings,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2013 11:04 am 
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Just a quick update: I'm 9 days cold turkey off of 16mg, 7 days in detox

I have not felt one single minute of withdrawal pain. They are giving me a short acting opiate + benzo every 4 hours round the clock, and phenegren, I think. At night they give me vistaril and melatonin, and they are also giving me amino acids and various vitamins. Plus, I am back on Celexa (antidepressant ) prescribed by my own doctor. I am able to eat (the food is good) and sleep through the night.

I did have one angry outburst, and i did start crying at an NA meeting, but this is nothing compared to the emotional roller coated I was on when I went off Sub on my own. I'm very happy I made this decision, but I am a little worried that things aren't going to be so easy when I get home. I mean virtually the only thing I have to do for myself right now is take a shower and dress, etc. thats why they strongly suggest that people go to treatment after leaving here. It's going to be a rude awakening going home and taking care of two kids, a house, laundry, bills, etc. But one day at a time.

I'm thinking of all of you and miss you,
Love,
Lilly


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 Post subject: Awesome
PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2013 11:13 pm 
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Hi Lilly, Glad u r feeling good and not in pain and its cool u get to post how you're doing. I'm really curious to how it works out. I want to know in case I have trouble jumping in the future would be a nice option to know about from someone who has done it.

Good luck!!

-gb


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 Post subject: Yay Lilly
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 1:17 am 
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Im glad to hear you are doing well!

I think its great that they are not telling you the doses of the detox meds right now. It seems like its stopping the obsession of the mind and allowing you to get something out of treatment. Will they slowly wean you? Or do you know? I am hoping they will.

How awesome is it thatt your doctor is planning to visit! She sounds like a great person.

Thanks for checking in. I wish you the best!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2013 3:33 pm 
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Yes, they are slowly decreasing my dose, every day I think, now that I am 10 days off of Sub. I will have 3 days of zero opiates before I leave so I will know how I'm going to feel.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 12:37 am 
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We'll be here for you when you get back, Lilly!

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 11, 2013 6:46 pm 
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How are you, Lilly?


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