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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 4:54 pm 
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Thanks so much for the support. I am at 1.25 mgs, and definitely freaking out. More emotionally than physically. I can handle the lack of hunger, random stomach pains and ridiculous headaches (so intense), but what I can't take is the depth of emotional hell I am feeling.

I'm filled with regret over things I did while on 16 mgs of Suboxone. I don't need to start my inventory here, but I did damage by being medicated the way I was. I think withdrawal is magnifying my feelings, I'm sure it is, but there is truth at the bottom of it.

I decided to take it easy, and stabilize on this dose before I attempt to go lower. I had my sights set on being off by end of August, but this thing is no joke, and I need to work and function, I can't take a 30 day time out (much as I'd like) to check into a rehab and just get it over with, it is not an option.

That takes some of the pressure off, I'm going to allow myself to feel okay again. I'm running 3 miles or more a day and juicing (because I can't seem to eat most of the time). I'm actually looking extremely healthy, I drink a lot of spinach and kale mixtures so my body is being supported nutritionally in a way it wasn't when I was on high doses of sub.

I am so grateful to this forum, I don't know how I would get through this without you who are posting honestly about your experiences. At the NA meetings I go to I have not met one person who had a long term suboxone maintenance. I am getting the help and support I need here as much as in meetings..actually more here.

Really appreciate hearing what others are experiencing. I don't think of myself as a whiner. I tend to put my head down and power through tough times, so detoxing from suboxone has really kicked my A@$. I'm staying at 1.25 until some of this drama in my head passes. I went through a similar thing at the drop from 2.0 to 1.5. I think at these doses .25 drops might be too much for me. Luckily I have the suboxone cutting guide and an exacto knife, so I'm going to cut those orange strips very accurately and make sure I do this in a way that I can handle.

Thanks so much for reading and sharing your experience. I feel like I've been saved by people who don't even know me, but I guess we do all know each other as addicts trying to recover.

Gingerpop


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 11:41 am 
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Hey GP, I had that overload of emotions, too. I think it happens to a lot of us as we taper or jump off Suboxone. IMO, it's a combination of reality coming back to us and not having that "cushion" of Suboxone to lessen the blow. You're doing a smart thing by tapering and allowing your brain to heal a little more and a little more with each drop.

Like you said, take it easy. And remember, Progress, Not Perfection.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 2:30 pm 
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I'm feeling better today. The decision to stabilize where I am before making any more drops has made me feel safer in my own head. I don't know about anyone else out there, but I realized that throughout my life I have been extremely fear based. I didn't know that's what was driving me, I just thought I was a perfectionist. Suboxone cushioned me from that fear, too much in fact. I became irresponsible on the medication in some ways, because my fears were being subdued.

I know that's one of the issues I need to work on, because it's back (fear) and I want to live a somewhat content and peaceful life. I can't live with the big bad wolf of fear at my door 24/7. I think that's a cornerstone of what recovery means for me, recovering from being so fear based that I needed a drug to keep it at bay.

Thankful that I have a spiritual side that I can go deeper into. It's much needed now. Today I walked in the mountains and since I am alone on the road there I just talked to the god of my understanding out loud. I asked for the strength and the presence of mind to guide me on this taper. Rushing it doesn't work. I am willing to turn my fear and anxiety over to a power greater than myself. Someone once told me that at times recovery feels like whistling in the dark. We're not sure what's out there, but we keep walking forward just the same.

I can't pretend that I've received some kind of miraculous healing. What I have gotten is a smack of reality in the head, I was tapering too fast and it put me into a tailspin. Fair enough, now what I do with that information is my responsibility. I'm committed to getting off Suboxone, and no matter how long it takes, I'm going to do it.

Really appreciate the people who have taken the time to comment and reach out. It means a lot and makes me feel far less isolated in this process.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:16 pm 
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GP, I am laying in the dark catching up on the threads after work and your post brought tears to my eyes! I can almost feel the relief you must have thru my tablet.

Fear is a tricky thing huh? I feared the day I had to withdraw from subs so much that it kept me from taking the leap much earlier than I did. Reminds me of a native american story about two wolves. One is fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, etc. The other is courage, strength, love, empathy. When the child asks his grandfather which wolf will survive, the grandfather simply replies "the one you feed".


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 5:09 am 
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trainer14 wrote:

Reminds me of a native american story about two wolves. One is fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, etc. The other is courage, strength, love, empathy. When the child asks his grandfather which wolf will survive, the grandfather simply replies "the one you feed".

LOVE this ^^^^^^^^^^^!!! We do have a choice which one we feed (what I have been referring to as "leaning into", i.e. "lean into love"!!) GREAT analogy- thanks for sharing Trainer!

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2014 5:51 am 
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Good morning GP! Check your pms :D

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 8:45 am 
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Good Morning,

I decided over the weekend to stop reading so may threads on this and other forums about symptoms of withdrawal. I'm starting to drive myself batty, and it make my fear worse.

I need to stay in the solution, I am tapering slower now, went down .10 today instead of .25 like I was trying before. I am stabilizing, and will continue to post as I have things to share.

I hope it doesn't sound like I am turning my back o our community here. The problem I got into was I started trying to do what some other people were doing and dropping my dose too much at a time in order to get off faster. It did not work out well for me, and I was unable to function at the level I need to in order to keep working and run my household.

Comparing my insides to other's outsides is a bad bad idea, I know better but I got caught up in it.

There are a million unpleasant side effects of withdrawal. I need to focus on how I actually feel instead of trolling the web looking for articles and videos. I'm not going away I am just taking a step back in order to take care of myself and my family. I am prone to obsessive thinking, this situation has reminded me of that.

Thanks everyone, I'll be back in a few days, going for my morning run with the Border Collie.


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