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 Post subject: getting through?
PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 4:34 am 
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I just found this site today and i think its great.Im almost 23 and ive been on suboxone for about 2and a half years now,(when i think about it i cant beleave its been this long) but i havent used opiates at all sence the begining so thats ovously good!
The reason why i am so happy to have found this site is because i dont talk to anyone about being on suboxone other than my boyfriend (who is on methadone)and my doctor(who i am not very good at talking to) because i have chosen to keep it private. Mostly because i dont think anyone else in my life would understand at all.
It took a realy long time to get to the point where i am at now,where i feel good about myself and have a positive outlook on things for the most part ,and its great!tThe best part is that i can look back on that feeling ,that horrible feeling of desparation and absolute need ,from a differnt perspective now.Im shure anyother person thats ever been addicted and clean for some time can relate with that.It makes me so greatful for how i feel now when i look back at that awful feeling.I NEVER want to feel like that again! Ive also read people posts about the guilt of what weve put our loved ones through,and i can certinly relate with that! But thank goodness i have a forgiving and loving family and i am close with them again,but it took a loooong time to get their trust back!
Whats on my mind:I dident go on suboxone origonaly for the sake of getting clean.I only did it because i was on probation at the time and i screwed up once (well many times,i just finaly got caught)and i dident want to keep geting in more trouble and end up on probation longer or in jail, and i knew i would just keep using because i was unhappy,and i just wanted something to get me through.I had no intention of getting clean.But sence that time to now and stoping smoking pot ect because of probation, something has seemed to have switch in my head and i realised that i dont want that existance anymore ,and that i want to enjoy life for what it is.But is this realy all me thinking this,or is it suboxone rose colored glasses? i know that i dont want to be on suboxone forever but i am realy afraid to get off of it.It has become my saftey blanket.I feel like i couldent get through my day without it.And i read other peoples posts saying that they dont get anything out of it but a normal feeling but i do get energy out of it and it dose make me 'high' in a way after i take it.And i know that if i take an extra half in the eveing it dose give me an extra boost to get other things done at night when i would normaly be to tired or unmotivated to do if i dident take it.But I dont want to rely on this to get through my day though but i am afraid that i will always feel like that.Yes,i do have a better outlook on life and i dont go through that constant up and down (as dramaticly) like a regular user does or the uncertinty, but i am still relying on a substance to live my life. I realy feel bad for my boyfriend.He is on alot of methadone and he says that he dosent wana be on that the rest of his life either ,but in reality,the chances of him getting off of the amount he is on is petty unlikley.We hate it,but we love it.Its kinda messed up.
I think that i originaly started doing drugs because i dident like how i felt,and altering myself like that gave me confidence and that extra push that i couldent muster up myself.But now i feel like that is what my suboxone turned into.And the part that has been disturbing me the most is that for quite a few months now i have been looking for that 'something else' i feel like im starting to lack with the suboxone.I dident do ANYTHING except for the occasonal night out drinking or the extra half of my subonxe once in a while for the longest time.And i always kinda had the want their but not realy bad enough to act on.But latley i have been feeling extra restless.I dont want to go out and start shooting dope or taking painkillers or anything like that (how would i feel if i dident have my suboxone comfot blanket though?)but i have just been feeling like i need something else.My anxiety has been elevated latley and i pick my leg hairs out like crazy.But i have done that sence i was 13 just like drugs.lol.I just dont get why i am feeling like this now?I dont want to be afraid to get off the suboxone for the rest of my life, I dont want to always feel like i need something to get through my day forever,But i dont feel like i can function like a normal person.When im not on an opiod or the subs i feel like i have no energy and my anxiety has had a horrible effect on my life.
I dont know if you guys would consider that "pros and cons" if so im sorry.I just realy needed to vent and im shure i could realy benifit from some feedback and dialog ,like i said i dont have anyone to talk with about this stuff and my boyfriend isent much of a help most of the time anyway.Thanks!

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 Post subject: To much thinking ?????
PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 6:52 am 
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1st of all welcome to this forum, It like a big family here, people love, fight and are pretty honest with each other, There is NO place on the internet like this place.. The high energy effects lasted about 2 months for me, there gone and have not returned .... be careful not to run out of Suboxone when taking the extra little bits ( you wont need to do that forever ) I was thinking about this yesterday, addictions are so tricky Dr J. ( our Grand Imperial leader ) probably writes more about this than anything, how we can trick ourselves into thinking we can manage our pill taking ( addictions ) NOT !!!!! Dr J. has written so much on the subject , here on this forum... jump around here and read as much as you can .. For me, because every once in a while I DO need to take some pain meds, I will NEVER let myself get off Suboxone.. by the way being under the Suboxone blanket is such a safe place , maybe if you taper down a bit it will give you a little confidence that you need, so you wont feel like you'll need to be on the dose your on forever. Also , maybe you need another med for some other psych issues, which is probably why you liked opiates in the 1st place, opiates help mask just about any psych problem you can have, and they mask it very very well, until we run out.. Good Luck, Mike


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 9:37 am 
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Bluelephant -

Well you certainly don't have issues being honest with YOURSELF...that's for sure. What a genuine post. Thanks for sharing that. Welcome to the forum! Painter gave some good feedback in my opinion. I would be lying if I said I hadn't felt EXACTLY like you are feeling at different points. I will probably feel that way again. The pro's and con's of staying on suboxone are so vast and personal. I have been on sub for over three years. I was off it for about 3 months at one point. I am in my 30's.

Dr. J always says that it is best for people to remain on sub through their 20's due to relapse rates and fatalities.

With that beng said, do you have a therapist you work with? I have mixed feelings on this issue because I relate to wanting to be "done" with addiction and get "past" this and not being ready to make this a permanent part of my life, especially not when I am so young. I also understand that as addicts we don't always have a choice and we really shouldn't feel guilty about taking a medication that we need to have a life.

You may want to ask yourself WHY you want to be without sub. Is guilt a part of it? If so, I would suggest exploring that guilt. Also, I am not sure I would be wanting to go off of sub when you are currently experiencing such high anxiety. My doctor thinks that addicts all have underlying anxiety disorders. I would have to agree on a personal level. I don't know about everyone else, but it does get mentioned a lot around here. If you don't manage the anxiety or make a plan for that you may not be successful.

I will say that when I have been on lower doses of sub than I am on now, I have realized that those bursts of energy were a lot less related to the sub than I thought they were.

I wish I had more for you but I don't. I hope others will respond with helpful insights. Take care.

Cherie

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