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PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2017 10:48 pm 
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I just posted in the Freestyle board, alluding to the ever more apparent fact that I am losing my shit. No, I’m neither using nor abusing, I’m just exiting one state of crisis into another and have emerged from the cocoon of my own shame as some kind of mutant self hating moth.

My wife, whom I’ve described in other posts, got very up in my face about posting here. She doesn’t understand why addicts might need a place to compare stories, seek and give advice. She doesn’t understand why we need to talk about our medication, and why I don’t discuss it with her. It got heated. I got angry. And at the core of it I began to wonder why I’m trying so hard to save something. All I get anymore is suspicion because I’m untrustworthy. That is true. But I’ve staked a claim on a small patch of dignity and self respect. It’s at the top of this mountain of shit I’m currently climbing.

I gotta go. My wife has made me feel very unwelcome here.

B.B.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2017 11:13 pm 
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Sorry to be first reply to my post, but I had a semi-epiphany that seemed to require some articulation. Guys, I’m not sure I’m marriage material. This one flesh thing? I don’t know. Most of my problems have sprung from trying to maintain my individuality within a loving relationship wherein my wife wants everything shared and open on the table. I’m all for honesty. Dishonesty has done me dirty over the years. All the same, within the twisted architecture of my mind, there is a Me shaped room, and I can’t renovate it out, and no one else is allowed in. Anyone else have a similar head space? Am I wrong to want to hold onto some benign uniqueness?

B.B


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 1:56 pm 
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Not sure if this is an answer people want to hear or agree with, but I think some people shine more as a single as opposed to being a couple. I tend to lose myself in a relationship and end up self destructingand in turn destroying the relationship. I love falling in love, but end up feeling like a caged animal after a couple of years. So your theory may be right, but I don't know you well enough. I do think that when children are involved you should try everything to keep the family unit in tact before splitting. If you and your wife staying together is doing more harm than good for the kiddos, then maybe a trial separation might be good to try to work things out. That way you can both cool down a bit . Then get some intensive therapy to work on pulling the family unit back together.

Ask yourself am i doing more harm than good staying together. I hope you are at least getting therapy for yourself. CBT has helped me immensely, but it takes work.

also don't let anyone guilt you into not reaching out to others for help. If yor wife is truly against you coming to a support forum and the forum is a lifeline to your sobriety, then it's probably time for the two of you to get into counseling so you have someone to help you communicate with each other more productively.

hang in there


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 6:24 pm 
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Sylvia, thank you for that wonderfully thoughtful reply. I’m not entirely sure that I’d be better single than married. I’ve been married for ten years now and we have one child who is just over a year old now and growing fast. He loves his mommy and daddy and is most secure when we’re both around. That kid is my everything. I think I love him more than any other person on earth, including myself and my wife. I have romantic love ro my wife, but my son is inundated with the veritable Niagara Falls that is my fatherly love for him.

I don’t know what the deal is with my wife. Our arguments are very episodic and confusing. She constantly tells me that we’re “not on the same page,” or “in the same boat.” We had gone out for burgers last night then went to Hobby Lobby to pick up some stuff. After we got home, I went into our bedroom and wrote a post to the Freestyle board. Apparently, it took me 20 minutes to compos that missive. Meanwhile, my wife had turned on the TV to watch a movie. She was very miffed with me, asked me what I was doing, why I needed to talk to anyone about my medication and the wonderfully fulfilling and not difficult at all life that I live as a recovering addict with chronic lower back pain. I read her my post and tried to be transparent. She reciprocated that transparency by articulating her fear that I might make a connection with a female addict of appropriate age and geographical location and leave her or start some kind of affair of the heart. I told her that was a stretch as not everyone—including myself—uses their re name on the boards. And she called me “untrustworthy,” which is true enough, but felt like a twist of the knife sticking out of my kidney. Then the argument ended. We watched a Spider-Man movie and were connecting. Smiling and laughing even. Then, ten minuyes before the film ended, she checked out into her phone and put out her moody face. Then the argument errupted all over again because apparently, we hadn’t reached a conclusion. In the end, I just came out and asked her, do you still love me romantically and want to remain married?

She said she did. I told her I did.

And that seemed to be the end of it. Today she found an empty kratom bottle in our son’s room and texted a picture while I was at work. I explained that it was old, that I had found it in one of my backpacks.

I know I’m going long here and should stop. The real trouble with everything began with my wife’s cancer two years ago. She left her 40 hour a week job and within -8 months became a stay at home mom. When she worked, I was able to be more secretive, but now that she’s home alll the time, she digs into every aspect of my life to the point I don’t feel I have any privacy. But we’re married, one flesh, everything should be open, honest and all that.
Her thyroid cancer was really the worst thing to happen to us. I lost my Me shaped room and my wife lost her illusion of what she thought her husband was. I’m and addict and an asshole, plain and simple. And I’m bipolar. There’s always going to be something wrong with me. I’ve made my peace with that, but my wife is still struggling to understand.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 7:32 pm 
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I'm so sorry BB that you and your wife are going through these unfortunate times. It sounds like to me that she just loves you a lot and is worried that you might find someone here on the forum and replace her. Being a little insecure and a female I totally see where she is coming from. Just show here a little more love and attention when she acts this way. And if you two are spending a lovely evening together, wait till the next day to check out the forum. Evening times spent with you may be more important to her that you imagine, maybe change the schedule up a bit and get on the forum early in the day. Just a suggestion, it's worth a try. Best of luck to you both.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 9:47 pm 
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Thanks Bamagirl! I’m really in the dog house now. I work in Apple Retail, and this week when the iPhone X came out, I bought one to test drive it. My intention was to return it and get a full refund, no harm no foul. Only there was harm, there was a foul because I didn’t consult my wife in the decision and didn’t tell her until days later. You don’t have to tell me how stupid that was, but I’ve been in a haze of “f*ck everything” of late. I knew I would be in trouble. Part of me felt awful and part of me, the part that had control of the wheel, didn’t care at all. I told her tonight and I’m returning the phone post haste, but the damage is done. We’ve been teetering on the brink of a split for a long time. I have no one other than her to turn to. No close friends to speak of, no therapist, nothing. Just this forum and anyone kind enough to take the time to read and respond. Part of me is dying inside from having no real outlet for my impulsive nonsensical behavior, and the part of me that doesn’t care is hosting a heavy metal concert in my brain. I’m both scared and relieved. I don’t want my child to have a fractured system for his parents. I want to be around him always. Always. I feel like perhaps I’ve fallen out of love with my wife. I have a lot of fear of her and a lot of anger towards her that I can’t adequately express. Oh well. Next post is coming at you from the dog house. I’m dead.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:32 pm 
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I totally get what Sylvia mentioned about some ppl are better single or at least for awhile. I was like that. I loved being independent and not having to worry about answering to anyone plus I always chose the absolute wrong person, every time. Now I realize that I didn't know much about what I wanted or needed from a relationship until I got into my thirties. I'm 41 now and been with my fiancé for about 7 years.

Some of the things I used to argue with my ex husband about was so petty. The things I deemed important or even irritating bk then was from immaturity. That's just me, I'm not speaking for everyone obviously, but some of us have grown so much from addiction to recovery that we change somewhat. I feel like since we change so much throughout the recovery process, relationships that weren't very strong to begin with can crumble because we become different in what's important and not sweating the small stuff anymore. And sometimes we do so much damage to our relationship during active addiction, the other person will never get past it. Those are just things to think about.

The thing about staying in a marriage because of the children..... I'm the opposite of that now that I've been through it and on the other side of it. I now realize how unhealthy my marriage was and my children could surly feel the tension. Yes they were young but they sense things, they sense the unhappiness and tension. Sometimes it is better for the kids to have a happy mommy and daddy apart than a miserable mommy and daddy together. Yes u have to give into joint custody but sometimes it's for the best.

Those are just some of my opinions bunson, nobody knows but u what ur feelings are and nobody can say what they'd do in ur exact situation. U do deserve happiness though, regardless what happened in the past u still deserve a happy rest of ur life and so does ur wife..... whatever that may be :) And if ur not in love with her anymore then that's a big clue as to what may be ur next step.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 5:00 pm 
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Oh and one other thing I forgot to touch on was ur wife finding an old kratom bottle, I totally can understand how that would appear to ur wife. Most ppl would consider that after finding something like that. So I can understand an argument busting out over something like that. Hopefully she'll give u the benefit of the doubt. Things like that do happen. There could very well be an old empty bottle of pills hidden in a purse somewhere at my house that I haven't ever found yet, it happens but it does look incriminating.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2017 12:30 am 
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Jennjenn, once again, you’ve swooped a in with a kind and thoughtful reply that hits close to home. We’re working hard to avoid divorce and still be happy with one another. I don’t think it’s that I’ve fallen out of love with my wife so much as it is that I’ve been angry with her for a long time and haven’t been able to articulate why.

I just got yelled at by my mom for the first time since I was around 18, which was literally half my life ago. Disclosure, and if I hadn’t mentioned it before, I’m bipolar. Type II bipolar. As is my mother. And her mother, and both goddamn sides of her her mother’s family. So, I’m carrying on a longstanding family tradition of erratic behaviors and emotions. Which at times, can be kind of fun. Especially when it lets you test out the new iPhone for a few days without telling your wife you financed it on a credit card and then not show her the phone at all.

Yeah, I messed up. Bad.

All the same, and though we had very similar periods of poverty in our childhoods, my parents did the resonsible thing by doing everything, making every sacrifice to ensure that we were all fed, clothed and happy. Not so much my wife’s parents. Her dad is like an extra in a zombie movie most of the time and her mom—I’ve said this before, I know—is textbook borderline personality disorder. She came by it honestly; she had a childhood that would make even Hunter S. Thompson squirm, and her mother was also textbook BPD. I’m terrified my wife may one day start exhibiting those symptoms. She already has, I believe, a martyr complex.

Anyway, because my mom screamed at me to do so, I have to work on “getting my shit” together, to “start adulting right the [expletive deleted] now.” That’s going to start with a talk with my wife, a hard talk with my doctor, and possibly a harder talk with a new doctor, which is where I’m leaning. (The psych I saw stopped midway through talking to introduce me to the main doc via a Skype chat, which wasn’t at all awkward.)

I’m in a hard place, but I’m climbing out. Jesus though, I really want that iPhone X. So sexy.

Again, thank you. I do my best not to give anyone a false impression of my wife, and will defend her if any of my statements are misconstrued as malicious. I love her. I love us. But I know a lot more about breaking things than I do fixing them, when it comes down to it. Some people build skyscrapers and others demolish them. I’m partly the latter trying to get in with all the cool kids in the former.

Hope all is well your end! Thanks for taking the time to read what I’ve said.

B. Byrner


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2017 10:42 am 
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Bunson I totally forgot to mention to u in an earlier post....... my fiancé (we share a house together and our finances are together, so we're pretty much married) has bought a vehicle, 4 wheeler and a Kabota lawn tractor without telling me until after the fact because he knew I didn't want him to waste the money! He mentioned it and I said no and he went and did it anyway, all huge investments. I was left with either liking it or lumping it.

I've posted about his spontaneous sneaky purchases before and I was so upset that I really almost left him. After I calmed down (each time) I had to make the decision on actually leaving him. My fiancé and I get along perfectly and rarely ever fight. He would do anything for me just to make sure I'm happy..... his only flaw is if he sees a shiny toy that he feels like he has to have then he cannot stop himself from buying it. Another thing is that I truly believe if I did the same thing, he wouldn't say anything about it lol.

So don't feel too guilty over that iPhone, if ur wife knew my fiancé, she'd think to herself 'at least it wasn't like jenn's man'.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2017 3:01 pm 
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Jennjenn, that example is very reassuring. And honestly, if my wife did the same thing, I don’t think I would be hurt by it. Not really. Honestly, I might take that as unspoken permission to reciprocate with a similar purchase.

The general perception from my family right now is that I’m on a bipolar “high” point, which I’ve gone along with up to now. My mom is bipolar, and whether she’s right about me or not, has projected the illness upon me when things like this happen. Sometimes I think I’m just a selfish asshole who loves drugs. If that makes me bipolar, then so be it. And if the tears have been for show—hard not to cry when your own mom is laying into you and telling you that you haven’t been a good father to the person you love most in entire eff forsaken world—then I’ll be expecting an Oscar, come February.

I love them all, but I know I love myself, too. No matter much I might hate myself, I love myself. Why else would I buy myself such expensive trinkets to keep me happy? There’s always been this core Me who doesn’t want to get hurt by anyone, so I don’t open up. I covered this all in rehab, but I was hurt very early on in life by kids who pretended to be my friends while it was convenient to them to do so, and by a bipolar mother who went through suicidal periods wherein she always kept a shotgun in the trunk, and my dad would check the local suicide bridge—800 feet tall and can be seen in the opening scene of the film, XXX, starring Vin Diesel—to see if she’d parked her car one last time at either end. I’ve forgiven her for it, at least in word if not indeed, but what that taught me was that the presence of loved things and people is temporary and arbitrary: They can be taken, or can take themselves from you on a whim, so if you don’t want to be hurt by that, then best be like the tumbleweed and grab your sustenance from the air rather than take root and risk being yanked painfully free from your illusions of safety and comfort one day.

Is that healthy? Not even I would kid myself that it is. Is it the nature I’ve come to adopt? Almost absolutely. The cure involves revoking that nature entirely, and completely from the start. There are no baby steps, so far as I can tell. I am immutably rooted into my son, but no other. He isn’t old enough to hurt me yet, physically or emotionally.

Anyway, that paints a larger emotional self portrait than I believe I have canvas for at this venue. I have a conceited notion of writing an autobiography one of these days, though I think it will be a trite, rambling declarative document in the same vein with Mein Kampf than it will be an entertaining for fascinating insight into that asshole who was always buying himself stuff.

Thank you again, Jennjenn. You’ve got a bonanza of perspective floating around between your ears. Don’t ever let a narrower mind convince you otherwise!

Most Sincerely,

B. Byrner


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:46 am 
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An update, of sorts. I posted in the Buprenorphine and Mood thread about my recent bipolar escapades, and have been looking back over some of what I’ve written here and begun to wonder if it was even me who wrote those things.

My wife and I had a talk last night. A good talk. A constructive talk. We had had a blowout yesterday morning, which I think was both of us letting out some of the last of our anger and frustrations with each other. Ask any firefighter and they’ll tell you that if your house catches fire, it’s best to let the fire burn out or put it out before attempting to rebuild the house. I think that’s what we did. We’re back on a similar page, and life feels hopeful. I haven’t felt the urge to cut myself, which I’ve had a lot lately. We’re even going on a date tomorrow, can you believe it? We both had some serious misinterpretations of each other that we’ve been able to sort out, and life feels good again. Thank you all for your kind help and constructive feedback. I apologize for losing my shit.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2017 9:28 pm 
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Hi, it's Queenie,

I just wanted to suggest your wife go to the index part and join "Help me my/daughter/husband/. Something like but it's for family members that are not on Suboxone but they can see what our forum is about and we can talk to her.

It may help her understand. Wish youj the best.

Love, Queenie


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