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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 11:53 am 
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Happy birthday BF! ;)

Happy to hear you're still doing well and feeling good too. You're exactly right about those things our addict minds can try to make us think we deserve. Imo, if you're thinking with a clear mind that you might have a hard time walking away from opiates if they were there for the taking, imagine that same mind with a little alcoholic beverage on board... just one to celebrate your birthday could lead down a bad path, Especially if those kinds of thoughts are nagging you,like you said, kwim? Only you can decide what to do of course, but imho, it ain't worth it to find it where it might lead. You know what you've got now, and life is good, right? So celebrate your birthday girl, and recognize those sneaky thoughts for what they are, likely a path to undoing all your progress. .... you def don't want that! oh and,,,,,,,,


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BF. ...... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. ....!!!!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:47 am 
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Hi BF. Didn't have a chance to check out the forum on Saturday, so happy belated birthday, and happy 100+ detox days.

Don't you dare touch a drink! Our insane addict brains will do whatever they can to get us back on the drug we love, and alcohol is just an indirect route (or your addiction will end up settling for booze, if that's all it can get).

Our addictions want to kill us, and they will never stop trying.

(I have a close friend who is a former cocaine addict, and who just started smoking weed; trying to figure out whether it's my biz to sit him down and have it out with him -- it probably is my biz, but I need to get some guidance from The Creator first -- to tell him he needs to get honest with himself asap. If weed is 'ok,' how long will it be until scoring an 8 ball starts making sense?).

I'm one jump day behind you, and at 100+ days, I wish my recovery at this point was always a sun-drenched walk through the garden, but of course it's not. Even with all the fabulous blessings I've received during the past 100 days, there are times when it just doesn't seem to be enough, and I get to thinking about how 'this' or 'that' would make my life so much 'better.' And of course they won't. If I'm not finding a measure of peace and contentment in this moment, right here and now, drugs or alcohol or anything else won't make me any happier (but of course I can't find peace and contentment in every moment of every day).

I know how much better I am now, compared to a month or two ago, and sometimes that has to be enough.

Anyhow, hope I'm not coming on to strong. I'll send you a PM later, if and when I get a chance.

-- ji

ButterFLYING! wrote:
101 Days Suboxone Free!

(and it is my birthday today :D - first one "sober" in many years! )

Feeling over all "well'. I have not had any "slips", and have just been living my life.

So, this is kind of strange, but I struggled with some of these same thoughts during my "3 months" milestone...I find myself wondering how I am going to "celebrate", KWIM? Opiates are just not available for me right now, so not really a temptation (I mean if I REALLY REALLY tried, I suppose I "might" be able to get ahold of some, but I am truly not tempted right now....it they were right in front of me for the grabbing? "maybe" I'd have a little trouble walking away, IDK?

More of a temptation for me right now is alcohol. I feel kind of like I 'deserve' a little break from reality, but I also know as an addict that this is sick thinking and would most likely be the first step in a downward spiral. But the thought is nagging me :( .

So, I am trying to get rid of those thoughts. I'm hoping posting and getting the feelings "out there" might help. I'm also going to the gym so hopefully will feel even better and stronger later today.

Have a great Saturday people! 8)
BF

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 5:16 am 
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Well, I'm having a "poor me" morning :cry:

I got some bad news last night, and I just feel like shit today- sad sad sad, disapointed especially. Someone I trusted let me down....makes me feel like never trusting anyone again ever....and makes me feel like using. Badly.

I want to numb the pain. I want to escape. Oh, my heart hurts badly.....

So...this is "recovery"....I need to find a way to cope here, so this is step one, posting and "talking" about it rather than stuffing it down, running, hiding from the pain.

Step two, I'm going to try to go for a little run before work to deal with the stress. And pray. I need to pray hard for help.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 9:01 am 
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Hey BF, Sorry to hear that you're having a crappy day.

I'm sure the last thing you want to hear is a recovery pep talk, but remember step 1 and powerlessness; it's not just about powerlessness over drugs and alcohol, it's also about not being able to control outcomes or the behavior of other people. Powerlessness = zero expectations, which is hard to achieve in practice, but is a very good spiritual place to be.

Still sucks when people do nasty shit, but if we're spiritually grounded, we can still be at peace. If we can step back and just let The Creator drive the bus, we know it's going to be ok no matter what the destination is.

-- ji

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2014 5:58 pm 
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johnny_ikon wrote:
Hey BF, Sorry to hear that you're having a crappy day.

I'm sure the last thing you want to hear is a recovery pep talk, but remember step 1 and powerlessness; it's not just about powerlessness over drugs and alcohol, it's also about not being able to control outcomes or the behavior of other people. Powerlessness = zero expectations, which is hard to achieve in practice, but is a very good spiritual place to be.

Still sucks when people do nasty shit, but if we're spiritually grounded, we can still be at peace. If we can step back and just let The Creator drive the bus, we know it's going to be ok no matter what the destination is.

-- ji

Thanks ji...you've become like the wisest person I 'know'...still in pain here, but I know it will pass "someday'. Strange, I can really truly take a good amount of physical pain, but the emotional/ mental pain just tears me up. Yes, I know God is in control...and I'm trying trying trying to lean into that love and 'trust' that He/She will drive the bus much better than I ever could....sigh....pain sucks.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2014 8:46 am 
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Hi BF, I'm with you on the difficulty in coping with emotional pain, and i think that's part of my addiction, maybe a big part. Just don't want to be feeling that sh*t, just too easy to numb it out with drugs or alcohol or whatever.

I see this more clearly than ever in sobriety. There are alot of mornings when i wake up with a powerful need to grieve past sh*t, and i know it will be better as soon as i give myself a chance to simply feel the emotions without fighting them (i.e. during a meditation), yet it takes me forever to 'get to it.' I procrastinate, allow myself to get distracted by trivial crap, etc.

But it's getting better. The grieving is less often and less intense over time, and my level of acceptance seems to be increasing week by week.

We're still in the fairly early days of a long process, yet i can can definitely feel The Creator starting to do for me what i cannot do for myself. More and more i find myself able to simply sit back and just enjoy the ride.

-- ji

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2014 8:50 am 
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ButterFLYING! wrote:
Thanks ji...you've become like the wisest person I 'know'..


Um, if i'm one of the 'wisest' people you 'know,' then you need to get out more often, lol.

You're one of my favourite people that i've met in recovery, and even just talking via this forum, i can tell that you've got alot of strength and a very powerful spiritual centre. Long toes, too, that's hot!

-- ji

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2014 5:52 pm 
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johnny_ikon wrote:

You're one of my favourite people that i've met in recovery, and even just talking via this forum, i can tell that you've got alot of strength and a very powerful spiritual centre. Long toes, too, that's hot!

-- ji


Thanks..I needed to hear something nice...and get a laugh...
Ummm.....so......you're a "toes" man- lol!

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2014 7:51 pm 
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ButterFLYING! wrote:
johnny_ikon wrote:

You're one of my favourite people that i've met in recovery, and even just talking via this forum, i can tell that you've got alot of strength and a very powerful spiritual centre. Long toes, too, that's hot!

-- ji


Thanks..I needed to hear something nice...and get a laugh...
Ummm.....so......you're a "toes" man- lol!


Hi BF, you're not giving me much else to work with. :mrgreen:

-- ji

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2014 9:28 pm 
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Hey bf! Last night i spent a good 5 hours (taking breaks of course) reading this thread from start to finish. I must say your journey has inspired me. Not only that- it's given me hope. I am currently prescribed 2 of the 8mg strips a day. I only take 1-1.5 tho and really want to start an 'active taper'. I've been at this dose for 6 of the 15 months i've been on suboxone. I'm going to tell my dr i'm ready to just take 8mg a day and start going down. My point here is, as most people on subs- i have this tremendous fear of jumping and withdrawal. I have 5 children- small children. Ages 8, 6, 3, 2 and 10 months. I'm a very busy woman lol and wdl isn't an option. However after reading your post- i feel i have a good idea of what i need to do to get down to a 'jumping dose' comfortably. Also learned very good tips on how to deal with the wdls after i jump. And i wanted to say thank you for this thread. It's helped me conquer most of my fear of eventually jumping! Congrats to you and i wish you all the best!


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 5:44 am 
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Jackiefern wrote:
Hey bf! Last night i spent a good 5 hours (taking breaks of course) reading this thread from start to finish. I must say your journey has inspired me. Not only that- it's given me hope. I am currently prescribed 2 of the 8mg strips a day. I only take 1-1.5 tho and really want to start an 'active taper'. I've been at this dose for 6 of the 15 months i've been on suboxone. I'm going to tell my dr i'm ready to just take 8mg a day and start going down. My point here is, as most people on subs- i have this tremendous fear of jumping and withdrawal. I have 5 children- small children. Ages 8, 6, 3, 2 and 10 months. I'm a very busy woman lol and wdl isn't an option. However after reading your post- i feel i have a good idea of what i need to do to get down to a 'jumping dose' comfortably. Also learned very good tips on how to deal with the wdls after i jump. And i wanted to say thank you for this thread. It's helped me conquer most of my fear of eventually jumping! Congrats to you and i wish you all the best!

Hi Jackiefern! Congrats on your decidion to get down to 8mgs, and on conquering most of the fear!!! I promise you the fear is WAY worse than the 'reality' of wdls.
I can't tell you how HAPPY this post made me this morning! When I first joined this forum I was so full of self pity and fear, but there was a part of me that held on to hope that 'someday' 'maybe' I would be drug free and could help inspire others- even just one person! And as a fellow mother, (and a teacher!) it means even more to me because I know what you do has such a major effect on your children. I don't think you'll feel much actual wdl until you get down around 1-2 mgs- mostly mental, plus you may have to adjust to less of that "boost" of energy subs can give you. Take it slow and take care of your health (diet, excercise, lots of water, vitamins) and you will be just fine! Also, listening to music has been huge for me- I have earbuds in right now! It still helps!
Please let me know if you have any questions- you can pm me if you like, and I will be happy to "cheer you on" as you do this, and you CAN do it!
:D BF
PS.- Wow, you read my WHOLE thread? I can get very "wordy" so I am impressed!! :D

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Last edited by ButterFLYING! on Thu Oct 23, 2014 12:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 5:52 am 
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johnny_ikon wrote:
ButterFLYING! wrote:

Thanks..I needed to hear something nice...and get a laugh...
Ummm.....so......you're a "toes" man- lol!


Hi BF, you're not giving me much else to work with. :mrgreen:

-- ji

Hey, don't forget- you saw a bicep too! lol!
I was thinking about your suggestion to get my butterfly tattoo (which will be my first tat!) on my 6 months off subs rather than wait until 1 year.
Well, 6 months for me will be Christmas Day! What do you think about THAT! ? Cool, right?
SO, for a "present" to myself when (if) I make it, I may get the tat, and I "should" have my 6 pack by that time- I am actually getting close Ji which is another thing I never thought I'd accoumplish!
My core is pretty solid, I just have to get my body fat percentage lower and keep up the ankle weights I think, and I will get there in a few more months...SO if I do, I'll post the abs AND the tat! Or maybe just pm you that pic :mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 9:02 am 
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Hi BF, 6 months at Christmas is an awesome gift to yourself. If you get yourself a good tattoo, you'll come away smiling ear-to-ear.

I'm getting more serious about my workouts, it really helps having a GF who teaches fitness classes in her spare time, and who's pretty serious in terms of keeping up-to-date on the theoretical side of fitness instruction. Borrowed the P90X program from a friend, and I've started checking out the DVDs, and figuring out how to fit this into my skej.

Nice to see Jackiefern's post about reading your thread, which really is an inspiritation. I can remember the at times intense levels of self-pity and self-centered fear during the final week of my taper/early weeks of my jump. Good to read about how someone else is getting through this emotional stuff, and moving forwards in recovery.

-- ji

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2014 9:04 am 
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Here's a link to some designs by a really talented South Korean tattoo artist, which shows how beautiful tats can be. My most recent one is colorful and understated like some of these designs, and it's my favourite one by far:

http://www.dramafever.com/news/south-korean-tattoo-artist-creates-minimalist-beauty-/

-- ji

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2014 5:11 am 
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Hey Ji- thanks for the link - yes, I like "minimalist"- that is really my "style"- I wear little to no jewelry or makeup, neutral colors mostly, (imo "healthy" is the most attractive "ornament", kwim?), and like I said, I have no tattoos yet, so something simple and beautiful like the designs on the link would be perfect I think..it is a big decsion, right? Not too easy to "undo". Why don't you post a pic of your latest one? I'd like to see it if you don't mind.

SO, quick "update"- I did NOT use opiates to help "ease" my recent dissapointement and pain, but I DID one night take a Trazadone and washed it down with a brandy and coke. I did not think I could face another restless night "dealing" with my pain. So, I'm gonna count that as a "slip" because that was it; just one drink and one non-opiate pill.
I did sleep the sleep of the dead that night and was disspointed in myself the next day, but now guess what? I'm working through the situation that caused me so much pain, and turns out it is not nearly as bad as I thought- it was more of a misunderstanding than an outright betrayal.

I am SO glad I did not turn to opiates!!! Pain does suck, but it is also temporary (at least in this case) and a 'signal' that some 'healthy' action needs to happen to ease the pain, right?.

TGIF everyone!
PEACE! :D BF

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:10 am 
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Hi BF, good for you for not taking opiates, and for dealing with your personal conflict in a constructive way.

One of the blessings of recovery for me has been the ability to deal with misunderstandings and disagreements before they catch fire (and there have been surprisingly few of these since getting off Subs, what a coincidience, eh?). Previously, I would let them lead me to places where I could end up doing some pretty stupid things. As often as not at this point, if I'm reacting badly to someone, a little soul searching shows me that my feelings are not coming from the situation at hand, but rather from something unrelated that I need to attend to. Or, alternatively, if it is someone else just being an asshole, I can ask myself 'how important is this to me, compared to serenity and my emotional sobriety?'

BTW I just did some jump math; I did my jump exactly 17 weeks ago = 119 days. Does that mean my 4 month anniversary is tomorrow (120 days), or is it at the end of October? I'm stumped. What do you think?

-- ji

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2014 8:51 pm 
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[quote="johnny_ikon"]

BTW I just did some jump math; I did my jump exactly 17 weeks ago = 119 days. Does that mean my 4 month anniversary is tomorrow (120 days), or is it at the end of October? I'm stumped. What do you think?

-- ji[/quote]
Hmmm...I thought for a second today was the 25th, which I'm counting as my 4 month since I jumped on the 26th, but then noticed today is the 24th, so tomorrow is my "one month" and day after is yours, but it depends on if you are counting days or months (or even counting! lol)

SO, anyway, congrats on "somewhere around 4 months off suboxone" ji :D We rock! 8)

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2014 7:26 am 
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Hmmm....wonder why the quote function did not work on my previous post? Anyway....

4 MONTHS suboxone FREE!!!
1 month 8) 2 months 8) 3 months 8) 4 MONTHS!!! 8)

Big improvements overall since 3 months. My energy is much higher, and I am definately feeling an endorphin rush when I excercise now, and that is HUGELY motivating for me! I guess the addict in me has to get high "somehow" (haha), and knowing I can do it in a healthy way is a tool for me to help me stay away from drugs.

I am STILL sneezing now and then, but no more than 2 times in a row, but I know it is still from the sub wdl because I don't have alergies and am not sick at all.

Yes, that's right, not sick AT ALL! Woo Hoo!

I'm waking up pretty early still- sometimes at 3am! I'll have a really good night, then a couple of sucky ones, then another good night, etc. But on nights where I only get 4-6 hours of sleep, I remember how long I survived on like 2-3 hours (if that) during my taper and jump, and then I'm grateful for the 4-6 hours. My mental clarity is way better on the days I get more sleep of course.
Anyway, I am optimistic that eventually my sleep patterns will normalize.

I do think I went through PAWS (which in retrospect I see as just the natural progression from acute withdrawals as the body adjusts to getting healthy again). Mostly lower energy and irratiblity, moodiness from lack of natural endorphins working properly I think, but it is only temporary! Remember that! :D

PEACE and Serenity!
BF

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2014 7:41 am 
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5 MONTHS sub FREE!! 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)

Today I am a very thankful addict and wanted to stop by to hopefully encourage those who are trying to taper and jump (or step) off suboxone!

After 8 years on 12 mgs. suboxone and feeling "stuck" and "trapped", I really truly feel "free" today. I'm grateful, content and dare I say generally "happy"!! :D

Thankful list:
1. My sleep has normalized
2. My brain is clear (i've noticed even more improvement this month!)
3. I get that "endorphin rush" when I work out hard!!!
4. My relationshios are flourishing- I really feel the capacity to give and receive love more fully (I feel EVERYTHING more fully!)
5. My career is also thriving!!

I mean life is still "life", full of ups and downs, but I feel making the choice to taper and quit meds of all kinds has absolutely been the right one for me. I continue to work on my recovery everyday.
Difficult- yes! Possible- YES!!! Worth it? ABSOLUTEY!!

Praying and sending positive thoughts and energy to all those still in midst of the struggle-
DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!
There is abundant light at the end of the tunnel!

Peace!
:D BF

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 26, 2014 3:42 pm 
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Hi BF, really nice to see your post, and read that you're doing so well. Congrats on your 5 min jump anniversary.

Have you picked a tattoo image for your 6 month?

-- ji

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