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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 4:03 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
JI got the nice gold chip and you got the piece of crap wooden one cuz I like him better. Any more questions? :lol:


OMG you are SO MEAN! lol (But you do make me laugh, so you are forgiven! :wink: )

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 4:06 pm 
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Imagine how desperately worried I was that you would forgive me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for forgiving me. :roll:

:lol:

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 4:07 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
Imagine how desperately worried I was that you would forgive me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for forgiving me. :roll:


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 4:26 pm 
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Johnny's telling me I'm number 1!!

I'm number 1, I'm number 1, I'm number 1....woo-hoo!!!

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 4:45 pm 
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Yeah, I'll bet lots and lots of people tell you you are "number 1" everyday!! :lol:

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 6:12 pm 
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Canadian mafia, BF. We give each other gold, you guys get wood. Watch out for slivers. :mrgreen:

-- ji

ButterFLYING! wrote:
Romeo wrote:
JI got the nice gold chip and you got the piece of crap wooden one cuz I like him better. Any more questions? :lol:


OMG you are SO MEAN! lol (But you do make me laugh, so you are forgiven! :wink: )

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 7:01 pm 
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johnny_ikon wrote:
Canadian mafia, BF. We give each other gold, you guys get wood. Watch out for slivers. :mrgreen:

-- ji


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:lol:

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2014 9:43 am 
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Lol. had to use Paint for my comeback, used up all my Photoshop trials.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 04, 2014 7:21 pm 
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Well, I guess I'm on "Day 70" (acording to Ji :) ) which seems like a nice day for a little update.

Generally I'm feeling pretty good...but not 100% yet, I believe. The reason I say this is because I think I'm still emerging from a bit of "PAWS". For the past few weeks I have been feeling kind of tired and "flat" in the afternoons...but still SO SO much better than directly post jump, so nothing really much to complain about...just an observation.

I "think" I am still feeling my brain healing though...it is hard to explain, but I have moments where I just feel more 'aware' and 'clear', and my energy and general mood are slowly improving...but it is more like every few days to a week that I am noticing improvements now. Still working out like a madwoman, chasing that elusive "runners' high"......for me that will be the true sign that my brain is "back" and I have not done permanent damage. I believe my habit was nearly the longest of anyone here who has successfully jumped...at least I think I remember reading someone had only ever heard of a 9 year habit as the longest....mine was 8 years so I guess I have the 'honor" (ha ha) of like "2nd longest habit"....so, that is part of the reason I'm so worried that I may have really messed myself up permanently.....Uhg!! I surely surely hope not.....

I've been working "beyond" full time lately..nearly 12 hour days, 5 days a week and still bringing work home on the weekends. It is rewarding work, but I hope it lets up a bit soon...

Also, I'm having minor surgery next week (Thursday). Although it is "minor" and "outpatient", it is still surgery and I am a little bit scared about it...especially going in "stone cold sober".....and hopefully emerging that way in the aftermath, KWIM?

Wishing all my forum family and friends "peace and serenity"!
BF

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2014 8:28 am 
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Hi there people! I'm still sub free (nearing 3 months!) and doing well! Still some minor energy issues, and a few mood swings, but I'm managing to work full time and be a full time mom successfully WITHOUT drugs! Yay me! :D

Currently though I'm sitting in the waiting room of the surgeon's...waiting to go in for my out patient surgery...I know it is "no big deal", but I'm still stressing and worried because I've never done this before and am scared (and no suboxone to dull the raw emotions)!! I WANT XANAX!! But don't have any...I'm not sure what if anything they are going to give me to calm my nerves...I'll get some type of anesthesia at least.
SO...trying deep breathing right now....and posting!!
:? BF

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2014 9:53 am 
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Hi BF, really good to see a post from you, and glad to hear you're doing well.

I've been experiencing low energy levels too during the afternoon, but then again I had an exhausting move last week (3 non stop days) and am still getting used to a new skej that never seems to allow me more than 6 hours sleep per night. The low energy afternoons do seem to be getting better day by day.

Other than that, I've been great, really enjoying life without drugs.

I'm sure you'll sail right through the surgery with flying colours. Good luck!

-- ji

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 11, 2014 2:36 pm 
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Hey JI, great to hear from you and that you are also doing well!
Surgery went fine; they gave me some benzo's through an iv, and I enjoyed that little vacation from reality probably too much, but I'm back now! haha

(I just edited a chunk of this post to re-post in the "side effects" section of the forum)

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 12, 2014 7:43 am 
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SLEEP!! You precious ANGEL you!!
(I should go back and see when I started this metaphor- it's absolutely ridiculous now, I know!)

ANYWAY- just had to give a big "shout out" to my best girl Sleep, because last night I slept SOLIDLY, 8.5 hours, all naturally!! Sleep app said "97%"! (I'm surprised not "100%"!)
Lately I've been averaging in the 70s to low 80s, so last night was exceptional. Not only that, but I woke up with that "warm fuzzy" feeling where snuggling up under the covers still felt good and I didn't feel all restless and suddenly awake.
Now that "could" be partially since my body just needed the rest to recover from yesterday, but I'm still taking it as a positive sign of healing from my sub use!

Creeping up on 3months clean after a LONG habit, and last night I had the best (maybe even better!) night's sleep since I started my taper almost a year ago!

There is hope people!! Don't give up!

Have a great day!
Peace :D BF

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 12, 2014 11:36 am 
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I arranged to work at home today just so I could sleep in an extra 90 minutes today -- of course I was wide awake two hours earlier than usual. WTF?

-- ji

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 12, 2014 1:47 pm 
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johnny_ikon wrote:
I arranged to work at home today just so I could sleep in an extra 90 minutes today -- of course I was wide awake two hours earlier than usual. WTF?

-- ji

Try getting someone to cut into your eyeball...it seems to help! LOL!!!

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 6:04 am 
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3 MONTHS SUBOXONE FREE!

(My "days" count is actually 92 days, but since I jumped on the 26th of the month, I'm counting months 25th to 25th)

Well, I am feeling pretty damn good today! :D I am certainly not suffering, however I don't believe I have "totally" healed yet either, but am improving for sure!

I sleep on average now 6-7 hours. I think if I would cut down on the caffeine during the day, that would improve, but I'm still having some energy lows so the caffeine helps during the day (but if I slept better, would probably not need/ want the caffeine, and so it goes round and round.) Well, if I can taper suboxone, I suppose I am strong enough to start tapering the caffeine...

I have not really had "opiate" cravings, but I have had the desire for "something' to take the edge off life's stress now and then (like a drink or a Xanax), but have NOT followed through, so I am truly "sober". I am not taking ANY meds or drinking alcohol, so with the exception of the caffeine, am living life on life's terms for the first time in many many years. And life is good! Hard sometimes, true, but WAY better than when I was drugging myself and missing out on so much authentic feeling and experience.

Occasionally I still sneeze 3-4 times in a row which always surprises me after so many days! I am still exercising regularly and eating right, so my overall health is good. Working out feels great, my energy is high when I'm at the gym now...still not "quite' able to get to that "high" from my workouts yet though...but I feel like I'm close...like right on the "edge"...it is hard to explain, but I do feel like my brain is still healing. My clarity and mood are generally still improving.

I have NOT had any serious bouts of depression, and that was my biggest fear. I am generally a much happier more positive person now than I was on suboxone.

My relationships are also improving. I am way more "present" for my kids, and i'm getting more joy out of them. Just last night I was lying down cuddling with my wonderful 12 year old son and we got to talking and then laughing about something so hard that we were both crying...I've been having way more special "moments" like that...I did NOT laugh like that on the subs...

So, yeah, I have become more "aware" that there are people on this forum who are really loyal to their suboxone treatment and sensitive to any "negative" comments (or comments that can be "perceived" as "negative") about the drug, and like I said on my very first post, I do not judge!
But for ME (and others I'm sure) suboxone had held me captive......FREEDOM feels amazing!

Peace and Serenity,
:D BF

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 7:54 am 
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Hi BF, congrats on your three-month anniversary. :D

Glad to hear that your thriving. I'll do my three-month update tomorrow.

-- ji

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2014 4:37 pm 
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Congratulations on three months off sub! Way to go! You set a goal and accomplished it, that takes determination, for sure! Meeting our goals is a GREAT feeling, and I am incredibly happy for you BF! ;)

I wanted to also respond to what you said in your last paragraph about people being sensitive to perceived negativity about buprenorphine treatment. BF, it's not so much sensitivity, as it is that at times we feel we constantly have to defend our chosen form of recovery from this horrible addiction. Yes, many people complain of unwanted, unpleasant, and at times unbearable side effects that may or may not be attributable to suboxone, and we're careful to be sensitive to their unique needs of support and encouragement during a taper or jump. However, it can feel monotonous to feel that we have to try to convince others that we still truly feel intense emotions, That our feelings and thoughts are not somehow muted or numbedand or dumbed out. I realize that many people have reported feeling that way at some point in their time on sub, but this is not the inevitable fate of all those in treatment with buprenorphine. Personally, I have never felt more alive socially, emotionally, and physically, or mentally sharp in many years. There are so many things that I let go of as I fell deeper and deeper into my active addiction, and I literally became a recluse, only coming out of my drug induced cocoon to meet with my dealer or struggle through a work day.

at one time, I was an avid gardener, hunter, fisher woman, entered and won many karaoke contests,and an all around super mom, and gradually my addiction took all those things away from me. I tried many many times to detox, some on my own, some with help, some professionally, attended 12 step meetings,all to no avail, and was even doubtful that sub would help me.... but amazingly,I gave it a shot& it did. I felt immediately resucitated. My constant obsession with pills and dope was gone! I felt... dare I say, .. normal! I took back up my old hobbies and adopted some new ones too! I cannot count the number of times I've been with my family or watching my kids play, and really engaging with them, that my eyes have gone a bit teary, and I thanked god for whereI am today compared to a year ago. I took my kids to the county fair the other night, and watching them on the ferris wheel and tilt - a - whirl, as they waved to mama, I felt so free. And so happy that I not once had to excuse myself to go swallow a dozen pills just to even feel present or well.
I must add, though that I fully participate in many different recovery oriented activities like counseling, behavioral therapy, exercise, better eating habits, lots of reading, and this forum.
I don't think I'd feel any different than before sub treatment if I'd chosen to remain on my couch, avoiding things that bring joy to my life, and only taking subs. I believe that it is essential to get out and live again after beginning sub. Return to activities once pushed away in favor of drugs. Get a job that you enjoy, and contribute to your family and society again, volunteer! Anything to make you feel better about yourself and help others at the same time is healing to one's own soul. I truly believe that if one does these things in addition to being on the medication, life can be fulfilling again, and a person can return to their authentic self, and actually be happy and content and lead a full and fantastic life again, or perhaps even for the 1st time ever.

Icertainly don't mind differing points of view other than my own, I think it's when others make it seem that myself and others who are happy with our chosen path to recovery, are made to feel that we have been fooled, tricked, or lulled into a false sense of security or happiness, that will suddenly become our worst nightmare, that is bothersome to us. Many of us wouldn't be alive today if not for having found this treatment and our doctors, and I absolutely think that's the case for myself.

Others like myself come her for support in our decision, and to share each others trials and triumphs along the way. Life is full of both of those - suboxone or not. Together, we are learning how to navigate life's difficulties, and deal with societal ideals of what actual recovery is, or should look like, so to us, this place should be a safe place to have those discussions without having to convince other addicts, who've maybe chosen a different path. ....to the same destination (recovery), that we aren't still using, or medication isn't a crutch, we're not choosing not to live life on life's terms by taking suboxone/buprenorphine. It is possible to accept and live life on its own terms while taking our medication. Many of us are doing just that. Many factors go into what a person takes away from bupe treatment and makes it successful, and imo, in many ways, you get out of it what you put into it, ie; One must establish a proper dose that addresses cravings, and eliminates WD, while causing the fewest side effects. I admit that I have been very lucky in the side effect department, as I've got few to speak of. Once a stable dose is reached, get right back to the business of living, try to get a good job, better home/car, pick up a productive, healthy hobbies, adopt a healthy diet, attend some kind of therapy, meeting/or recovery oriented activity, start doing things that make you feel better about yourself like volunteering, even if it's just cutting a neighbor's grass, journal your progress, visit online recovery forums line this one, etc. These are all examples of things that strengthen a person's recovery, and self esteem. However, I can admit, that sifting through thread after thread and post after post of negativity and even hatred toward suboxone can be disheartening ,when I come in search of insight or opinions about some aspect of opioid addiction or recovery with bupe, and these are the posts I read 1st thing, or the responses are overwhelmingly advising tapering, stopping, or even implying that our recoveries aren't real, we only think they are in our "sub saturated brains"...a phrase which I've actually read here, or under the "sub induced fog,another one I've read here before. So yes, perhaps it can be a delicate topic at times, but only because we, who are very pleased with our recoveries on sub would like to garner the same joy and encouragement and respect from fellow members as those who are leaving sub behind. This forum is pro sub / pro 12 step/pro whatever works well for the individual. After all, if we as addicts cannot agree who is in "real" or " authentic" recovery, then how can we expect society to treat in a dignified manner or accept any of us.... medication or not!

Again, BF, I really wish you well in your continuing recovery! You have earned all 90 days of your hard earned sobriety, enjoy it and allow us to celebrate this victory with you in cyberspace! Woo hoo!


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 10:48 pm 
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lizzieshug2013 wrote:
Congratulations on three months off sub! Way to go! ....

After all, if we as addicts cannot agree who is in "real" or " authentic" recovery, then how can we expect society to treat in a dignified manner or accept any of us.... medication or not!



Hey there Elizabeth,
Thank you very much for your support, and also for sharing your thoughts and experiences with regard to your suboxone use. I am happy my comment served as a spring board for you to make some excellent points, and I hope people take the time to read them.

Just to clarify, I DO see your side of the "issue" (if we are going to make it an issue- for me it really is not- I have never been "anti suboxone" for anyone else except ME! :) I guess that is why I said "perceived" negativity because although suboxone was/ bad for ME I never said it was "bad" for others.
(There is the issue of whether or not it affects personality, and I still do believe it does to a certain extent, and I think it would be interesting to research the facts and learn more, but it is really not "that" important to me.)
Our circumstances were/ are very different- I was not prescribed suboxone, and was not taking any other drugs when I started abusing suboxone- and that is what I was doing- abusing it- for a long long time. I was not using it to improve my life- I was using it to hide from my emotions - to purposefully "numb" myself so I could face my problems more easily (but what I was really doing was NOT facing them)...and I became addicted to it and then desperately wanted to get off, so it was just a bad situation for me. And on this thread I found venting the honest feelings I was having towards its effects on me and hold on my life, really helped me process the feelings and move forward in my recovery.
My own husband is on suboxone maintenance and I can tell you he is a much better husband and father now than when he was in active addiction. Would I rather have him totally '"med free"? It depends. If he could stay stable and off pills and heroine, yes. If not, then no, I'd rather have him stay on suboxone for life because I do believe that in that case he would eventually end up dead.

So, I hope you understand that I myself am not "anti suboxone". And I TRULY would never assume that I should make decisions about OTHER people's recovery. I may enjoy a good "discussion", and can have some pretty strong "opinions", but I like to think I keep an open mind, and do not judge others, but support them and help when I can. At least I try.

And personally I DO feel that you, Elizabeth, ARE in recovery while on suboxone (Congratulations to you as well!! :) ).
I however, was not.

Hope you are having a great weekend!
Peace- BF

PS. I think I have to qualify that statement that i have "never been anti-sub for anyone but me"; If I read that someone else was battling to get off of it and IMO they were similar to me in that respect, then yes, I would say I was "anti suboxone" for them too and tried to help them get free of it. And my statements on this thread in the "stopping suboxone" section are from the perspective of trying to be rid of the drug. But I don't think I've ever knowingly (or unknowingly?) put down / judged someone on maintenance who is not interested in tapering or quitting. If I did, I am truly sorry! It has not been my intention.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 7:05 am 
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101 Days Suboxone Free!

(and it is my birthday today :D - first one "sober" in many years! )

Feeling over all "well'. I have not had any "slips", and have just been living my life.

So, this is kind of strange, but I struggled with some of these same thoughts during my "3 months" milestone...I find myself wondering how I am going to "celebrate", KWIM? Opiates are just not available for me right now, so not really a temptation (I mean if I REALLY REALLY tried, I suppose I "might" be able to get ahold of some, but I am truly not tempted right now....it they were right in front of me for the grabbing? "maybe" I'd have a little trouble walking away, IDK?

More of a temptation for me right now is alcohol. I feel kind of like I 'deserve' a little break from reality, but I also know as an addict that this is sick thinking and would most likely be the first step in a downward spiral. But the thought is nagging me :( .

So, I am trying to get rid of those thoughts. I'm hoping posting and getting the feelings "out there" might help. I'm also going to the gym so hopefully will feel even better and stronger later today.

Have a great Saturday people! 8)
BF

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