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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2014 9:21 pm 
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I was stunned to read he passed. Great man with immense talent.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2014 5:52 am 
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WTF?? "Sleep" ran out on me at 2am this morning!! Just when I thought we had patched things up for the long run! I tried to woo her back for 2 hours, but she was not having it!! Ug!!! And today of course I have a ton of responsibility at work- training my colleagues. Well, at least I am not in full wdls...

BUT, again, WTF? I am nearing 2 months off subs, and not to scare anyone (but I guess I obviously still need this forum to vent and get help!) but the insomnia is back, AND I had a sneezing fit a little bit ago!??? Other than that I do feel fine, I mean I am not really suffering, but OMG, when will I be "really" through this process?!!!!

Also I've been reflecting on my own past depression, and that probably has something to do with the insomnia...I can understand the feeling of mental pain with "no relief". I have endured natural childbirth, and I would take that pain any day over the mental pain of deep depression. Scary scary shit. Only by the grace of God did I escape it....I would not wish it on ANYONE and if anyone reading this is currently depressed, even mildly, please please don't give up. Even if you think there is no hope-keep going through the motions- keep on trying- keep reaching out- keep praying!! If it helps at all to know, I survived it and actually can look back now with gratitude because I have a deeper empathy for mental pain/ illness than I ever had before I experienced it for myself. And life is good now!! I may be "bitching" a bit, but I am still so so grateful for where life has brought me today!

Thanks for "listening"...hope I can stay focused through a busy day today....
Peace,
BF

PS. I've been too busy and stressed to eat much, so watch out my fellow "abs" contestants!! (but then again I've been too busy to work out much this week as well! Actually, not much too much to "look out" for........yet! lol)

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2014 8:31 am 
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Nice post BF, lovely msg.

FWIW I've been waking up after 4 or 5 hours every night, and I can only fall back asleep if I meditate for an hour, but I find it hard to still my mind. Been using Eckhart Tolls 'inner energy' technique, which works really well for me. Hard letting go enough to get down to the subconscious level where the emotional debris is piled up, but have to stay with it.

Good luck at work, don't forget those abs exercises.

-- ji

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2014 10:25 am 
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It couldbe the change in daily schedule and going back to work. Maybe your mind is all abuzz with work stuff? Idk, just a thought. I would think by now its not sub wd related after 2 months but who knows! I occasionally will wake up a time or two during the night but fall right back to sleep. Usually I look at the clock, see its 2 am and think "sweet! I got another 2 hours to sleep before I have to get ready for work!". Lmao. I love sleep.

hope this is just a "hiccup" and sleep comes right back for you.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 6:45 pm 
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Hey sister!!!! Did you sleep ok last night? Hope your day was good!


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 7:53 pm 
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trainer14 wrote:
Hey sister!!!! Did you sleep ok last night? Hope your day was good!

Hey little sis, yes, slept better, thanks for asking...still a little fitful but not so bad as the night before.

And my day was a good, looooong, productive day. I just got home around 7pm, so that was almost a 12 hour work day. And I have a meeting that starts at 8am, in about 12 hours from now!

But it's all good..a little shock to the system, but I am enjoying the feeling of being fully 'present' and just relating so much more fully to the people around me, joking and laughing a lot more at work than I can ever remember, and although I have more responsibility this year, I feel up to it because I can really tell my brain is sharper now.

I don't know if anyone else who has jumped subs can relate to this, but I could really tell when I was on subs that I couldn't always find the vocabulary to get what was in my head out my mouth and that was VERY frustrating and took some of my confidence away. Now my thoughts just flow and I have no problems articulating which is very "freeing" and makes my work way more fun and less stressful.

Sobriety (freedom!!) for me right now feels so sweet, and was so so SO worth the small price of some days of wdls.....
BF

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 8:18 pm 
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I know exactly what you mean about the thoughts. I too find I can think a bit quicker and sharper now. I actually used to have problems remembering how to spell words sometimes. I can't say that was sub related or not but I know I had trouble thinking clearly some days.

I still find I sometimes struggle with motivation or lack thereof. Some days I have to push myself to get something done but once I get going I am fine.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2014 1:42 pm 
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Hey bf. Id like to say I have been keeping up with your daily post but shit there are a few to keep up with. Hope you are doing ok. I havent been on here for ages and a little sad to read your last post about staying off the forum for a while. Hope you come back soon to see that I have checked back in with you!! Hopefully catch up soon. :-)


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2014 1:52 pm 
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subuser13years wrote:
Hey bf. Id like to say I have been keeping up with your daily post but shit there are a few to keep up with. Hope you are doing ok. I havent been on here for ages and a little sad to read your last post about staying off the forum for a while. Hope you come back soon to see that I have checked back in with you!! Hopefully catch up soon. :-)


Hey you!!! LOL about me staying away- I can't do it yet!!! I am "addicted" to this forum!! ha ha ha!
Thanks for the nice pm and message! Have you posted on " sub in the rearview mirror"???? I will check!! I can post there pretty soon myself!! (well, maybe a few months from now..)
:D BF (rca)

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2014 7:40 am 
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Heading towards 2 months sub "Free" (9 more days)

Good morning! 8 hours sleep last night!! As Trainer says, "Woo hoo" :D I'm wondering if JI's sleep is also improving? I know I probably will have ups and downs with the sleep still, but last night was my best night since I started tapering really low. So- HURRAY!! I think it is important to celebrate and share the milestones- there is an end to the wdl insomnia peoples!!!

Another thing I want to share and it is just my opinion after some reflection, but I'm thinking that if your are doing a slow taper like JI and I, once you get at or under around .5mg I'm not sure it really matters how much lower you go...in fact you may be just dragging out the process.

JI and I jumped one day apart (he made me go first- ha ha ha), I jumped from .375mg, and he from .175 (I think? correct me here JI if I am wrong). Of course I don't know for sure, but it seems we have had and are having very similar wdl experiences. I mean, the pieces of sub once you get to .5mgs ar so tiny, I was wondering myself what effect they could really have more or less...I think that is part of the reason I decided to jump when I did...it just "looked" like I was hardly taking any sub anymore.
SO, he is younger, and jumped from a lower dose, yet I don't think my wdls have been any worse is what I'm saying. SO, if I were to do it again, I think I'd jump from .5mgs and get it over with sooner.

NOW we are all different, and I personally would NOT jump from 2mgs cold turkey like Trainer- that was right for her, but if one is looking to minimize wdl symptoms (and not everyone is!), I think (and I've heard Trainer agree) that a slow, low taper is the way to go if you can manage it.

Another word of encouragement for those "about' to jump. I think the analogy of the diving board is so appropriate, as well as the word "jump". When I was little I was SO frightened of the high dive. Then I had a great swimming instructor who helped me gain confidence, and I finally got up the nerve to dive head first. When I hit the water, I went very deep and had to swim like mad to reach the surface, and then the edge of the pool. But "wow" ! When I climbed out, was I ever exhilarated and PROUD of myself that I had done it. And I also wondered what I was so afraid of in the first place. It was such a rewarding experience I wanted all my friends to do it too so they could share in my happiness.
If you are contemplating a "jump" from subs, I'm here to promise you, it is not nearly as bad as the fear of it, and you can do it!! As I've heard Romeo say, we are stronger than we think we are! And he is right!! (Did you hear that Romeo?? I said you are right!! lol)

Of course not everyone is ready to jump and swim, and maybe some will always stay safely on the other side of the board. And that is also ok...like I said we are all different and our life circumstances also vary. It took me eight YEARS to be "ready".

SO, wishing everyone who is "maintaining", "tapering", or "jumping" (or swimming after the jump!!)
a wonderful Sunday!!
Peace,
BF

PS. Here is my analogy of Trainer's jump! (LOL!):

Imagine having NO swimming lessons, and NO instructor- Just looking up at that damn board and saying, "I'm DOING IT!!". Then climbing the ladder, never looking back or down, running off the edge of the board without thinking twice, jumping off the end towards the water, arms flailing and doing a belly flop! :lol: Then just continuously moving, barely keeping your head above the water until eventually reaching the edge!!
But guess what....she made it, and is just as happy (maybe even more so) that she DID IT!! :wink:

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2014 9:53 am 
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Very good analogy and you're right! I am so happy I belly flopped, flailed around and finally got to the edge of the pool and climbed out! Much stronger than when I dove in. Today is day 79 and things are awesome! Getting close to 3 months!


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 25, 2014 6:19 am 
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2 MONTHS sub FREE! 8)

Wow-it felt GREAT typing that! I am pinching myself....yep, I'm awake!!

Overall I'm doing well- some days are better than others. When I think I may be a little "PAWsy" I try to think back to my first week clean and count my blessings!

Sleep comes and goes (that unreliable little she-devil- ha ha ha), but clearly the graph on my "sleep app" shows I have emerged from the lows of my immediate post jump...plus I can feel it of course. Last night almost 8 hours, but I'm still usually waking at least once a night.
The best time for me is morning..some days by afternoon my energy is pretty low and I get a bit grumpy....but maybe that is just "life"....

I have "thought" about subs now and then during these low energy periods, but not in a way that I actually think I would follow through, with the exception of 1 time, and it was not available. By the time I was in a position where I could have possibly gotten more, the craving had passed...I have to remember to think things through and not go on "auto pilot" if this happens again and subs are more readily available.... as a "forum friend" recently advised me which is very good advice I think!

I'm still chasing that "runners high"- I always feel much better after my workouts than prior, but I know I'm still not getting that big overall sense of well being that lasts throughout the day that I used to get from exercise before my sub-habit...but I am NOT giving up! I'm going running as soon I as I post this.

Have a great Monday!!
Peace,
:D BF

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 25, 2014 9:15 am 
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Hi BF, good to see you on the forum. Congrats on 60 days, my 60-day is tomorrow. Think i'll pick up a chip at my home group.

I slept 8 solid hours last night, though I got zero sleep the night before.

I know what you mean about the energy levels at times, but honesty and acceptance is 100 times more valuable to me at this point than that artificial Subs 'high.' Even with occasional low energy periods, my overall effectiveness seems much higher, and also seems to be increasing week by week (less and less wasted time and negative emotional energy maybe?).

Hope you have a fantastic Monday too :)

-- ji

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:48 am 
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Morning BF and congrats and happy 60 days. Your recovery sounds almost like mine, I def feel best in the morning, usually wake up once at least at night and am also trying to find that elusive "runners high." At least there seems to be some consistency, which helps me feel more normal and optimistic in the recovery process. Again congrats on 60 days.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 25, 2014 7:30 pm 
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Congratulations on 60 days off of Suboxone, that's great!!


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 12:53 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
Congratulations on 60 days off of Suboxone, that's great!!


Thanks, Romeo, I don't have to go to my home group tonite to collect a chip, i'll just print off your picture!

-- ji

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 1:08 pm 
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That was BF's chip, dude. Don't Bogart her chip!! lol

Here's your chip!! Congratulations on 60 days, JI!!!!


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 2:11 pm 
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:)

-- ji

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 3:45 pm 
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Hey! How come JI got a "gold chip" with two sides, and mine looks "wooden", huh?
I mean, I don't want to look a "gift horse" in the mouth (whatever the hell that actually means, right? lol), but maybe what I'm actually looking at is the "other end" of the horse here?? :lol:


But seriously, I really really liked my (plain, old, wooden-lol) chip. That was sweet "dude"! Thank you! :D

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2014 3:58 pm 
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JI got the nice gold chip and you got the piece of crap wooden one cuz I like him better. Any more questions? :lol:

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