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PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 2:06 am 
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Hello friends,
So for those of you who don't know, I started posting a week ago detailing my taper from .5mg (once i was smart enough to discover the liquid taper method)

If you'd like more details on how this was conducted, you can follow my thread (also in this section) called "success! Liquid taper from .5mg."

The rest of my long taper off of 16mg is undocumented, as I just recently built up enough courage to start posting here and ask for support. I must say, its been eye opening and mind blowing how willing the people here are to reach out for support. Thank you for that.

So, with much consideration and weighing pros and con's and flipping my options around over and over in my head...ive decided I am ready to jump.

Today is Saturday, I last dosed around 9am using the liquid method to administer .3mg of Suboxone solution. Spent the day pretty much WD FREE...and decided that since ive been having no difficulty in dropping doses this past week...I don't know that I'm receiving much benefit from the doses anymore.

I am also willing to suffer for a bit, as I have the next four days off from work I think this is the perfect time to jump off.

I have almost an entire arsenal of comfort meds, supplements and soups and teas. I will go out to get the rest tomorrow, at which point I'll post my complete list.

I also made myself a list of activities and things to keep my mind and body occupied while home from work the next few days. I will also post those tomorrow.

I honestly feel like I have a fantastic arsenal of supplies, a renewed sense of confidence that I am ready to do this, and maybe a little too much optimism that maybe it won't be so bad.

So...here we go...starts tomorrow, I'm not going to dose no matter how bad I feel. And I'm going to use my mental strengt, my physical toughness and the support of my new friends from the forum to get through this jump.

Wish me luck, I'll prob be posting too much ;)


Last edited by tfisher on Sat Mar 28, 2015 3:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 5:10 am 
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Good luck, Fishy! We'll be here reading your story and offering support!

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 7:50 am 
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Good Luck Fishy! Post as much as you want :D


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 11:45 am 
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Thanks Amy and tiki!! So happy to to have such awesome support:) as soon as I'm feeling up to it, (or probably while I have so much time on my hands the next 4 days!) I'm going to start going on more threads and offering more support to others as I feel ive been making it all about me since ive been here.

So. Its here. Day one of jumping from .3mg. I feel way less nervous than I did last night.

Surprisingly, i slept like a baby last night, didn't even turn on the TV! Just lights out and asleep 5 mins later. Got about 9 hours of sleep, which is plenty and probably would've slept longer if my phone didn't ring. (So nice of my mother to call and wake me just to tell me what all she ate for breakfast and how good it all was and how full she feels! Bahhh!!)

I woke up feeling better than I have been feeling all week. Usually my stomach is a mess and my face waters uncontrollably. Usually that's what wakes me up in the morning. I'm having those symptoms so far only to a minor degree. Been up about half an hour only and already posting haha.

I do have a slight headache but I'm sure that will go away once I get up and in the shower.

My plan for today is to get into the shower and get ready for the day. I'm going to go to target and get some supplies for the rest of the taper, basically I just need immodium and some vitamins.

My other supplies are:
Water water water water
Peppermint tea
Orange juice
Chicken noodle soup
Saltines
Muscle milk protein shakes
electrolyte powder
Pepto
Benedryl
Ibuprofen
Ambien
Vitamin d


I'm not sure if I'll need to use all of these things but I'm going to have them on hand just in case plus if I can find some 5htp for my mood I'll get that along with
A multivitamin with added calcium. This is a collaboration of things I've found doing lots of my own research on other people jumping/withdrawing that I feel will help me the most.

Hhhhmmmm the yawns are kicking in! Time to jump in the shower!


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 12:23 pm 
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Whoo hoo! Go Fish!!!!!:)


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 2:26 pm 
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Yay fishy!!!!

I'm happy to see that you feel so confident. Your positive mind set will serve you well during the next few days. As I said before, there isn't any set dose to jump from. It's all about what feels right to your body. I think it's a good idea to use these few days off to your advantage. The most important thing to do is be good to yourself for the next few weeks. Don't be discouraged if you feel too tired to accomplish a whole lot. Give yourself permission to recover and take advantage of any chance you have to rest and recharge.

You have done your research, and you pretty much know what to expect. I will try my best to be here to support you when you need it, but I think you have got this thing in the bag!

Don't worry about not posting on other members threads too much. Nobody thinks you're being selfish, you have plenty of time to be here for others once you get to feeling better. We all have moments that we need to focus on ourselves, and we give back when we can. The details you have shared with us about your own experiences are just as valuable to other members as the encouragement you will give later on. :wink:

Okay, I can't wait to see your update for tonight! Hope you are still feeling strong. :D

Q

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2015 11:25 pm 
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I'm not going to lie, day one was not the easy sunshiny perfect DAT I had anticipated.

BUT...it also wasn't the horrible awful, take you out of life withdrawal.

After I got into the shower and fixed my hair and got semi-put together to go to the store for more supplies. I did feel better after the shower and putting myself back together. Did take a lot if energy out of me regardless. Then I wanted to try and see if it hot got any easier if I distracted myself for a bit, do I went to a little boutique with my mom while she was shopping around for tunics and shit aka mom clothes. I don't know why I decided to go, normally id pass but decided it be something to get me out of the house


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2015 6:05 am 
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Well dammit I was sleeping so peacefully and then woke up at 3am just now feeling kind of like so awake and so good that I almost felt like I could go for a run! Not even joking!

Day one went off without a hitch for the most part (everything I'm sharing right now was on a scale of 1 to 10 about a 4, so definitely not excruciating!) ...except that super weak kinda whiny feeling I had for most of the day. That was just so annoying and im hoping the confidence from beating day 1 will take that little whiny bitch and send her packing! ;)

The physical side effects from jump day 1 were very minimal, just a bit sneezy, runny nose and eyes, but benadryl kept it manageable. Still no diarrhea, minimal stomach cramps. Mostly just an uneasiness in the gut region. Much comparable to those hangovers from college where you just felt like your stomach hated you. Again, manageable.

I was able to carry on with my normal Sunday activities, went to the grocery, I even went to the mall with my mom, which was a desperate move to get out of my head...would've been better if I wasn't missing 2 days of work this week, so i actually could've bought stuff. Never underestimate the power of retail therapy ;)

However there was a GNC on the way to the store she wanted to check out, so I swooped in there and the sexy little ginger body builder boy helped me find 5htp immediately. Score! And I got to look at a cute guy who was both waaaay out of my league and waaay too young (I'm married of course so I say this jokingly!)

The 5htp are quick dissolve tabs and they said to take 1tablet up to twice a day. So I did that and each time within 35-45 mins I think I did actually feel a small boost in mood, which was nice. I will continue taking these on the reg until the bottle is finished.

I also walked my dog (poor thing has bubble guts and mud butt all day)...i think she senses something isn't right with her mom and it's making her nervous...hope she's better tomorrow :(

And i did some laundry and then went in to work to do the weekly cleaning. That wasn't too bad, I put my Pandora station on RHCP RADIO and pretended I was a super freakey styley funky monk whike i was cleaning. I really threw myself into it! Hahaha! And I tell ya, the place looked just as great, if not even better than I usually make it look. The lesson for myself to gain from this: go all in, even when I don't feel like it because for that 90 mins I was not a girl in misery jumping off a medication, I was a rockinfreakapotamus getting shit done! :) :) :) yes, I lived the 90s, how could one tell??

So I took more benedryl, ibuprofen and then ambien at about 830 tonight. Was out like a light so I probably already got a good 6 hours of sleep. I just don't want to be up for the day already. :( :( took more ibuprofen and benedryl and another half an ambien.

I really wish my doctor was nearby and would prescribe some comfort meds as Dr. J. recommended.. But such is life, I guess.

Well that's all I have to report for now. Do any of you know anything about or have any personal experience with hydroxyzine (also known as Atarax)? I have a full prescription from my Suboxone Dr. But the first two times I took it, it just took my ass out and made me sooo dizzy I could not function. Any experience?? Maybe now that I've jumped it would serve me better?

Thanks to those who are following. Dr. J. Put a personal comment on my old thread saying that before my jump I was only taking about the equivalent of 2 vicodins a day. Which really gave me hope!!! That's not very much opiate. At all. That's child's play at this point in my opiate career as I near retirement! hehehe I can do this! Any thoughts on anything, any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

Love and fins,
Fishy fissshaaay


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2015 12:03 pm 
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So I fell back asleep pretty quickly last night which was awesome. I feel the more I sleep the quicker this will pass. All in all, I bet I got close to 10 hours of sleep, albeit interrupted. I'll take it!

When I woke up this morning I felt pretty darn good. Much better than I felt most all day yesterday. It got cold outside here again, which bums me out a bit because I was hoping to go walking in the sunshine today.

My main symptoms right at this time are extremely mild. I feel a bit of psychological unease and my main physical symptom is having an unsettled stomach. I ate a few saltines and will probably take some pepto before I shower. Still no diarrhea, and my watery eyes/runny nose have basically been non existent today. Yay! I have a feeling the runs will show up on day three and half of day four will suck... And then I have no choice but to feel better Thursday, as I have to go to work again. Actually, you know what, I DO have a choice. I could cancel my clients if I don't feel better. I hate doing that though and would only cancel if it was an absolutely emergency.

Anyway, the plan for today is mostly to rest. I do have to drive out to a suburb to get acupuncture today at noon but that will be good for me. I'm going to ask her to try and fix my queasy stomach. If its feeling good, she let's me stay on the table forrrrevvver so I'll see how it goes. Some days I can barely stand the 15-20 mins of laying still. I will probably take something to help me relax.

Today I might also watch a movie or a show on Netflix if I can figure out how to set it up:) any suggestions? I thought about having either a godfather marathon or a tarantino marathon. Dark shit helps get me out of my head I guess ;)

OK I'm going to drag myself into the shower now. Hoping this is going to be the worst of it.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2015 3:41 pm 
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Oh hell yeah! Godfather and Kill Bill are two of my faves!

I always feel like a total badass after watching Uma Thurman with that sword...don't know why, but I seem to get some kind of vicarious attitude infusion from it. :D

These next few days may be hard, but you know it gets better. Distraction, distraction, distraction!

Q

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2015 7:20 pm 
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This jump thing is so crazy. It's like one minute I feel normal and the next I'm crawling out of my skin. I'm pretty convinced that a lot of this is psychological, because my physical WD symptoms are just not that bad.

Part of me wonders if I should've just gone to work... And then I rembered I'm still on my normal weekend, my days off don't even start until tomorrow. I wonder if I'll be real sick tomorrow?

I'm going to be honest, there have been times when I've thought to myself how good and normal and happy and optimistic I felt before the jump. And I wonder if this is all in vain, and I'll just end up going back on Suboxone. I have not even made it two days and I'm already getting like this. Without even being very sick.

I don't want to feel like this but it's kinda frustrating. Like am I going to feel THAT much better being completely off everything? Is this worth it?

How much longer does this gross blah feeling last?

This is proof that even at tiny doses, buprenorphine is a powerful medication. I can't believe how fast I went from having a confident attitude and being dropped to the dirt just like that.

And as I pointlessly pump myself full of a million ibuprofen, benedryl and vitamins to no avail, all I can think about is that I have the medicine that would instantly make me feel better right here in this house.

How long should a person give it before giving up and throwing in the towel? Life is too short to feel this shitty.

I am trying to remind myself real hard of the reasons I wanted to get off this medicine. And I think the only thing I can think of is that I wanted to see the world without the fog of medicine, which isn't seeming like much of a fog in retrospect.

Ahhh help. :( this sucks.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2015 7:52 pm 
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More thoughts...
The last year and half were the ONLY time in my life since age 12 where I didn't try to self medicate one way or another. There's something to be said for that.

Right now I have a lot coming up with a big trip the end of may with my inlaws, and the pressure to be done by then...

Im scared that I'm just not going to feel any better and maybe at small doses the Suboxone was actually helping me stay clean and happy and keep me out of my own head.

I'm about to fail this attempt at jumping. I just don't see marks staying clean or safe without it.

I don't think I'm going to need a crazy high dose or anything but I also don't think I want to go back to self medicating. In this moment I can see and feel exactly how it felt during the times when I would turn to using.

I think if there's a tool that makes life easier and it really works for a person, no one gets bonus points in life for doing it without.

This may be forever. It may not be. But for right now its what was working for me.


And yeah, there's a chance I could probably tough it out and finish this jump but I know where I'd be even 6 months down the road.

SCORE: OPIATES 1, ME 0
JUMP FAILED


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2015 8:10 pm 
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Hi Fish!
Have you ever heard of Eckhart Tolle? He is a beautiful speaker and so relaxing to listen to. Here is a youtube link, https://youtu.be/foU1qgOdtwg
Listen to it if you'd like. It may help. It doesn't discuss religion, just being with the present moment and how to deal with troubles.
The link is called, Meditation: Eckhart Tolle

Sending strength...~Sherah


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2015 8:15 pm 
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Hey Fish,

I'm truly sorry that you are struggling today. If you really want to be free of suboxone it is definitely possible, but you will have to go through a few weeks of discomfort. I think you could still do it if you went back to your taper and went a bit slower and got down to a lower dose. I have been exactly where you are, and I know how difficult a decision it is to throw in the towel and decide to go back to a maintenance dose. You need to do whatever you feel is right for you, and if that means going back, then do it.

It is so hard to wrap our minds around how potent those tiny little pieces of subs are until we do what you have and experience it for yourself! It seems like you may not have realized exactly how much the suboxone was still helping you. Even in small doses it will control cravings and effect your mood, which is kind of the whole point of taking it long term.

I don't want to attempt to sway you in either direction. But, I do want to be sure you know that the way you feel today won't last forever. After a few weeks things get much easier, and most people claim to feel almost back to normal around the 21 day mark.

BTW - You didn't fail. You learned a valuable lesson and gained a new understanding of how this medication works on your body. If you decide to try to taper again in the future you will be better prepared, and know what to expect.

Q

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2015 9:12 pm 
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Aggghh Sherah you are so kind to not make me feel awful about having to go back to maintenance :( now that my tolerance is down a bit I may start the taper over and go slower. Waaay slower.

I think I was finally starting to feel better at about .5mg after months of tapering waaay too fast. That's my problem I try to do everything too fast.

Even when I hear that 21 days is all it takes people to feel normal again, that still seems like WAAAAAAAY too long to suffer when I can just take a tiny bit of medicine and start feeling better in 15 mins. I know. That makes me sound super weak. But that's just the nature of my personality, which is one of the reasons why im an addict.

My justification is that I'm not on any other meds (able to be without anti depressant for the first time in my life), I'm not doing anything illegal, I'm not obsessed with Suboxone (well, at least not when I'm stable on it) and it's not hurting me financially.

The past year and a half that I've been on it have been awesome for me and I've managed to stay off of every other drug including alcohol the entire time. I don't think I realized how much it was helping me.

I should've just stuck at .5 for a longer time than a couple weeks and focused on making more positive changes in my life otherwise like continuing to improve my yoga practice, and continue with the running I had started the week before. That would've been a smarter idea...

But no, i said "I'm kicking ass at life right now, I'm in really good shape I'm making good money I'm busy at work I'm getting along really well with everyone in my life, eating healthier I'm staying clean and sober for the first time EVER.. I'm doing better than I've ever done... Let me just quit taking my medication and derail my whole momentum and start all over..." I focused too much on the taper and let everything else go.

No wonder I feel like shit right now. Now THAT'S the definition of letting a drug control your life. I'm going back to controlling my life and taking my dose in the morning and forgetting about it.

So. That is my plan here on forward for an indefinite period of time. Stay at .5mg and get on with my life. The taper is not necessarily over but the plan to jump right now is. In fact, I will probably just stay at this dose indefinitely and see where I'm at then.

Oh, and I'm going to keep dosing using the liquid method.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2015 9:52 pm 
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Hey Fishy

I have read many times that the first jump is the practice jump. You learned many things and that is not failure, that is growth & education!

My therapist often corrects me when i get crazy panic about next week or next month or whatever, he says get back to today, don't worry about tomorrow and if today isn't such a great day do something to change it. So much easier said than done

I will tell you that somehow i did something i never thought i could do and i look back now and still don't know how i did it. I decided it was with the help of my guardian angels & learning to stay in the moment.

I don't want you to feel bad or second guess yourself, doing what is best for you is all that matters.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2015 10:24 pm 
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Thanks tiki for your words of support and encouragement. It means more to me than you know and the support here continues to be out of this world. And I have a new found respect for all of you super humans who are able to tough out the jump!!

Tonight I feared I would regret backing out of my jump once I took my dose. But guess what? I'm slowly getting back to normal as the hours go by... And I feel absolutely zero guilt or remorse or "I should've stuck with it" .

In other words, I'm confident I made the right decision in backing out. At this moment in time it was the best thing for me.

I don't think I have enough sober time under my belt to make the jump right now. That's just the way the cookie crumbles :)

However, I am going to use this experience to better myself as a person and to keep moving forward and improving myself.

I will also add that I had a lot of factors in my favor to make the jump successful... In other words, my life has remained stable and I've sustained for over a year all of the things that one might think would make the jump successful... Just goes to show that addiction is not prejudice! It will take everything away from anyone, no matter what their lot in life! I will take a little dependancy on a life saving medication over my old life in active addiction any day!

Thanks again for the support!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2015 7:00 am 
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Fishy

Addiction doesn't care about race, income, education...most people don't understand that. The reason this forum is so important to me is people here understand.

I am glad you feel better!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2015 9:49 am 
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Your experience is so similar to things Dr. J says here all the time. Sometimes, as addicts, we get on maintenance and our lives improve soooo much. We forget that the thing that is making that possible is the stability we are receiving from our suboxone. I'm not saying the positive things you have done in your life lately were all because of suboxone, just that it definitely provided you a great foundation to build on.

No matter what, it's a good thing that you tried this. If you hadn't you would have always wondered if you could have gotten off of it sooner. No regrets! And definitely no guilt for not continuing. You recognized that you weren't quite ready and you did the smart thing by backing up and giving yourself more time.

I'm proud of you. :D

Q

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2015 10:52 am 
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Q and tiki,

Thanks so much for your support:) :) I don't know why I still felt the need to check the forum this morning when I woke up! I guess I will start writing on other threads instead of keeping this one alive....

I did want to add that last night I slept like normal, had really nice dreams (my little dog was cruising around on my lap while I was driving in a an old low rider convertible in California... Our hair was blowing in the wind... Hahahaha!!) Woke up feeling like myself after my usual uninterrupted 8.5 hours of sleep that I love to get each night...

In other words, it was obvious I was having more WD than I thought in the almost two days that I tried to stop.

Thanks for everyone's support... I have a couple questions but I'm going to start a new thread.


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