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PostPosted: Mon Mar 23, 2015 11:39 pm 
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Q,
You always have such wise words to share with those of us who need support. I think you are a very special person and maybe your calling in life is to give wisdom!

You are right, I do need to stop thinking so hard about my plan. I dosed again at .26mg today, .2mg early in the morning and .6mg about 6-7 hours later. I didn't have any WD symptoms but I mentally was just anxious and disinterested in doing daily life things. But I pushed myself anyway and actually got a lot done. I did get really tired and feeling like I didn't want to do much (or eat much) this evening.

I made it to hot yoga this morning and had a really strong class. It felt good, really good and I think you are right that getting exercise will help. It did take a lot out of me to get showered and put back together for the day.

I did talk to my husband like you suggested and he of course was really understanding and said it just takes time. His main commemt was that I am extremely grumpy in the mornings, but I coulda predicted he would say that. Because I am.

I am going to try to focus on the things that are going well in my life and I really do have lots to be grateful for. Tomorrow I'm going to yoga again because I don't have to work until early afternoon. And those are my only goals for tomorrow... To make it through the day with the best possible attitude and get through yoga and through work and then allow myself to rest and try and relax at night.

Thanks for the support everyone!!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2015 3:33 pm 
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So, I woke up today and decided my taper is over and I am done with suboxone. I have nothing bad to say about the medication and I truly believe it helped me get out of the active addiction cycle. I stayed on it a year and a half, but I absolutely believe that for some people lifetime maintenance is beneficial, and does not make for a less superior recovery.

Anyway I feel like I've thrown away too much of my time in this taper. I felt like it was making suboxone into an obsession. I believe because at such low doses (I was at .26 last time) it created an opiate response/reward cycle at least in my brain. I had all sorts of "paraphernalia" when I cleaned out my lock box today... it made the whole taper seem ridiculous to me. Pill cutters and liquid droppers and little pieces of crumbed up orange pills and taper schedules and pieces of paper with ml-mg conversions and a little amber bottle of liquid in a special case in the fridge and a million bottles of vitamins and supplements...like OCD times a hundred.

Again, I'm not saying this is the case for everyone on suboxone. At all. But I'm sharing my experience.

I think I am at a point where I just either needed to commit to the jump and stop suboxone treatment, or get back up to a dose above the ceiling and stay there for another 6 months to a year....

Anyway I was in beginning stages of WD this morning and somehow it came to me that I needed help and had created my own weird little cycle with my medication... By some chance in hell was able to get in and went to a primary doctor to get treatment (aka comfort meds) for opiate withdrawal. Clonidine, zofran. Just took zofran a hour ago and feeling much better. Haven't started clonidine until tonight though.

I feel so much better taking this step. It just came to me that it was the right thing to do. The same way going to suboxone treatment came to me when I was ready to get clean. The same way I managed to somehow taper from 16mg to .26mg.

So I'm going to roll with it. No turning back now there's no sub or opiates otherwise in my house. And I am prepared to feel like hell for the next couple months. I'm pretty much counting on it.


I haven't decided if I'll be posting here anymore, because I think it gets me too much in my head about WD symptoms.

Thanks for the support ive received from everyone here. You guys have been awesome and inspiring.

Good luck to everyone regardless of their path to recovery. It's all good no matter what! The fact that people are even trying is awesome:)


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2015 12:28 am 
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Hi Fish,
I am sending energy your way. I am glad you shared so much with all of us here. I just went down from 6mgs to 4mgs the last few days and I am feeling alright. I know it will get harder when I try taking it lower than this. Your stories motivated me to get to a lower dose. I think I will stay here for another month and see how I do. I am also down to 10mgs of celexa started at 40mgs a year ago. I have a friend who has been on suboxone for 8 years and she is down to 1 mg and says she plans on staying there for the rest of her life. She feels it is an insurance policy. We all have our paths to take. I do hope that you feel like checking in now and then to let us know how you are doing. Or if and when you get off for a while maybe pop in and let us know when you started to feel well again. Maybe you can say hello in the suboxone in the review mirror forum. I’ll tell ya, I would have never started getting high on pain pills if I would have known it would end up like this. My savings acct is gone, my energy is low from the meds, my type A personality is a type B now. Ha! I’m just venting at this point. I am glad this med stabilized me though. I seem to want more now. Blah blah blah! Go Fish!
~Sherah


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:17 pm 
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Day two of the jump from .26mg. This is the exact point at which I failed my jump last time.

I'm not going to lie. This sucks. I don't know how I thought I was going to go to work through this. I'm not throwing up and having diarrhea or anything like being real sick but it still sucks and it definitely doesn't make me feel like doing anything. Yet staying in the couch feels gross too. You know, that typical icky indescribable wd feeling. I ended up taking today and tomorrow off, I'll see if I make a miraculous recovery by Friday.

Clonidine is so strongly sedating for me there's no way I could handle taking as much as I was prescribed. Honestly I couldn't tell earlier if it was helping me or making things worse. I only took .1mg of clonidine this morning. I was so groggy and couldn't stand up without blabbing out almost completely for aboout 20 seconds. Finally felt like it wore off and then I started getting hot flashes and getting crawly. So I took half of a half of a pill and just now starting to feel slightly better. So I've determined that it helps, and tomorrow morning I'm going to go as long as possible before taking a really small dose.

So it still sucks for me at day two. I'm hoping the worst of it is over soon.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:33 pm 
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Hi Fishy,

Way to go on your jump. I know it sucks right now, but you will push through. Keep posting if it helps. I am rooting for you!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2015 3:58 am 
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Way to go Fish! Okay at this point all there is to do is watch as much comedy as possible.
I'm thinking Netflix Amy Schumer. :) Thanks for checking in sweetheart, we are all cheering for you!!!


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2015 10:19 am 
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Bad kitty and sherah!! You are two sweeeet chicks! I'm glad I have you in my corner. Thank you thank you thank you! You are both so brave and just keep taking your path slowly and you will know what you need to do (or not do).

Funny you should mention comedy's sherah. Yesterday I watched Beverly Hills Cop to get me through the worst hours of the day and it worked like a charm. I'm thinking after a bit here I'll go on Netflix and find some more old school Eddie Murphy comedy.... Because dammmmmmn that boy was fine!!

Symptoms last night got markedly worse just about during the hours I backed out of my taper last time. I was feeling hot and then cold and then sweaty and then shaky legs and wrists. Dry mouth like a mofo from the clonidine and blacking out pretty bad when I'd stand up and walk to go use the lavatory.

Couldn't get comfortable in bed when I finally made the switch from couch back to bed. Took more clonidine and some ambien and I was OUT for the entire rest of the night. Maybe close to 9 hours even! It was fantastic. I'm beginning to think that with each sleep it gets better.

I'm excited to be starting day 3 with such a better outlook on everything. Maybe something lifted, I can't figure it out. Maybe something in my body went into overdrive and kicked the rest of the sub's right out of my body during my sweaty fevers all day and night yesterday.

I don't feel fantastic by any means and I'm still not ready for work today. I still feel lethargic and weak and emotional. I'm scared to take the b6 and the L-tyro that was recommended to me by evolved revolver. Im afraid at this point the anxiety would be too much to handle.

So my plan is to rest rest rest at home for as many days as I have to.

Because I will know when its time to brush off the dust and get back out there, It will be an intuition I have telling me its time... I don't feel bad about anyone who I have to cancel their appointment, I don't feel bad for the people who work for me...they do their own thing anyway and are 100% capable of keeping things running when I'm not there. I trust in them, thats why they were chosen to come work with me. They don't know what's going on, just that I have a weird gnarly flu.

Anyway, the symptoms so far on day three feel like their going to be cake walk comparatively speaking to days 1 and especially to day 2. Day two is the hardest in my mind. Once i got that sleep on day two leading into day three... I started to see on the horizon (yet ever so faintly) a light on the other side that there is freedom and happiness and that I am closer than I think .

My positive mental attitude is better today. Still don't feel like I could be adequate at work. Still don't feel like running a 5k tomorrow. But I do feel like I can get up and shower and put myself together this afternoon and maybe even take my little dog on a walk. It would be good for both of us.

To summarize:

day one felt very gross and creepy crawly sweaty, drippy face but still had to function

day two was the worst for me as far as WD and psychological mind fuck (for lack of a better term). Physical symptoms of chills followed by hot flashes. Kind of tingling in wrists and fingers. Thoughts fight back and forth to each other as to whether u should just go back on the suboxone or just ride it out like you know you want too.

Day Three:
I must add. I didn't think I'd make it this far. I thought I'd cave in a again and go back to sub's. But my desire to be free of all Rx meds is going to win this battle. I don't think about sub the way I did during the taper. In fact there's no going back now. I don't even have any.

Thanks for reading I will postc later to report how this weird rollercoaster is working for me!


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2015 1:17 pm 
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Well, getting rid of all your subs is definitely one way to keep you from caving!

I'm glad to see you believing you are feeling a bit better today. Keep telling yourself that every day, and just fake it til you make it.

Q

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2015 2:01 pm 
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Fish,

Please keep posting as you have the energy and let us know how it's going and how you're feeling. Clonidine really makes me sleepy as well, until it's time to sleep, then I can't :? But it does ease a lot of the withdrawals.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2015 2:45 pm 
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Thanks for the wise words as always q :) and morphing, in glad I'm not the only weird one that gets knocked down by clonidine! Back in the days of active using I was always the person who never nodded off or got sleepy even when I used way too much... I could handle my sedatives. So it's kinda awesome to me that my body/brain have healed so much that something can actually take me down.

Haven't taken any clonidine or anything else for that matter yet today. I do feel markedly better today so I'm hoping I went through the worst of the physical icky stuff yesterday. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I think that my body was basically absorbing such a tiny amount of sub during the last parts of the taper that a lot of the WD happened while the taper was going on. I think evolved revolver came up with that theory.

I'm off work until Monday. I have a family dinner to attend Saturday night and I'm really really really hoping the worst of this is over and that it keeps getting better from here on out.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2015 7:51 pm 
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Hey Fish,
One thing that I do not like about suboxone is the fact that I am constipated all the time. I hope this isn't too personal or TMI, but at what point do you get regular boul movements again? At what Mg? Is your tract recovered yet? It has been years since I have had a normal digestive tract due to opiates. I look forward to the day when I will move with nature again. Thx
~Sherah


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2015 8:16 pm 
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Sherah,
Honestly I don't know if my tract has recovered yet! I had the constipation a lot but it did get better below 1mg provided that I are enough fiber and not too much junk food.

A supplement that has helped me immensely over the years is called PoopDoc! Yes, I'm totally serious. You can order it at PoopDoc.com and I think it's magnesium based but always worked well for me. Definitely not a fun side effect, I will agree with you on that!

I have also used Senna based tea from my moms chiropractor clinic called Chiro Cleanse. That works really well too.

Now that I'm on comfort meds for my jump I'm back to being constipated from the clonidine and I also took two immodium on tuesday, after a real uncomfortable WD kicked in, making me a prisoner in the bathroom! TMI here too, sorry lol! .

Not real comfortable not having gone again for a couple days but I haven't eaten a ton either since about sunday so maybe it's OK.

Good luck! You're doing awesome, just take it slow and you'll know when you're ready! Thanks for the continued support!


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2015 9:06 pm 
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OK so my last dose of .26 liquid was on Monday at 9am. Right now it is just after 6pm on Thursday. That means just over 80 hours, 3.5 days.

I would say I feel 100% better than I felt last night at this time but nowhere close to 100% better in general.

Last night at this time I was getting very agitated and tearful and felt like I was slime coated and couldn't even move. Soooo weak. I remember honestly thinking to myself that it was never going to get any better and that's how I was going to always feel. But I still didn't have any desire to go back to suboxone. (There's none in my house anyways, i destroyed it...I would have to get a refill at the pharmacy) so I knew if I could just get through another day it would get easier. So I knocked myself out and said prayers while I fell asleep. You know the kind where you swear youll do more good in the world just to feel better soon...

Today I didn't go to work again. I decided to take the rest of the week off and start back slow on Monday. I woke up at 7am and then took more clonidine and fell asleep until almost noon. I was soooo happy to have slept through some of the shitty hours.

When I woke up again it was like I knew I made it through the hardest part. I took my time getting upactivel super weak. But I did walk my dog outside for like ten mins and crazy that took soooo much effort! Surprised me because I'm usually real active.

I did also manage to shower and wash my hair and dry it enough to pull it back. That took a lot out of me too.

Then I landed my ass on the couch and slept for another hour or two. Initially I felt really gross and nausea again when I woke up. But i took a zofran and it passed.

I took my dog on another 10 minute walk even though it was hard because I hear that even the smallest amount of exercise helps during this.

So now I'm laying back down on the couch and actually feeling an appetite for something to eat.

This is the end of day 3 and I didn't take much clonidine today and felt less slow. I would say I felt the real bad ickyness acute WD symptoms lift at the beginning of day 3. Those were not fun three days... Trust me. But having comfort meds and being able to be home and not have to do anything was worth it.

Last time I tried to jump I had said next time I would go to work through it. I hadn't even started the hard part of it last time, backing out of the jump at 1.5 days... This time I did work for a few hours on day one but after that night.. There's just no way I could've made it. I don't want to say what i do for a living but let's just say i don't have a desk job. (Nothing against desk jobs, or people who have them, I just happen not to)

So, I'm really happy and proud that I've put over 3 days together without suboxone. I know the acute part of WD is over but I'm prepared to not feel like myself for awhile.

Just thought I'd post this for hope that it can be done and it doesn't last forever. Soooo thankful I did the taper down to such a low dose. The reason I didn't go longer/taper even lower is because it got to a dose that was only holding me for about 5 hours. It was causing me to be obsessed with being well and using a drug to keep me well.. And that made me feel like I was controlled by a substance again. So, that was it. Done.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 3:43 pm 
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Sometimes I am so glad I can just hide by myself, but as we all know alienation is the worst thing for an addict. I think if I had a family living with me they would think I was a mess for sure. Fish it must be super overwhelming to go through what you are going through with all eyes on you. One of my problems has been I never quite feel well since being an addict(or on suboxone). I always seem to be giving excuses that I don't feel well or I am just to busy. I find myself lying to people because I don't want to get outside. Everyone just thinks I am so busy, but really I am laying on the sofa when I am not working just enough to get by. My cat even yells at me and taps my eyes to get me up. Ha! I used to be a type A that was pretty much always on the go. I enjoyed quiet time, but not like this. I find commitments are pretty hard to make now a days with out getting too much into detail.

Fish it must be very difficult to do this in a home with other people, or do you think it pushes you harder to get up and get it all done? What excuses if any do you make to others while battling all of this? What are your goals after you start to feel better again? What do you think you have been putting off as a result of your opiate addiction? I know suboxone has been a god sent for you, and I am in no way trying to bash that.

~Sherah


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 4:10 pm 
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One another note thanks for the tips about the constipation. I love how brave the Doc was to name them poop, lol!!! I just got some enzie-gest in the mail and purchased some probiotic today so I will see how it goes. I have the Dr. Poop website tagged for future reference. :)


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 6:57 pm 
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Sherah,
Thanks for the nice message :) glad you will soon have some relief from the constipation. That in itself will make you feel 100 times better.

Yes, since i started the taper it's hard sometimes during drops not feeling well and cancelling commitments... And during this jump I just said I had a really bad flu but I think they believed me because I tried to work for a bit in day one and got asked if I was feeling OK. But I decided this is a very very immensely important thing, to do this jump and that it needed to take precedence over everything else.

One of my goals when I get to feeling better is to have more of a social life. I think my husband would like that too.

Basically my other goals are too get back into my workouts asap. From the first failed jump to now, working out hasn't really been an option for me as I've felt too weak. So I'm going to get that back in check as soon as I can.

In so excited to not feel like crap a majority of the time. I don't know why but after the first year on subs I also didnt feel well a lot of the times. I'm looking forward to feeling good again.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 8:25 pm 
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Oh Sherah and Fishy, I feel you on the anti-social aspect of tapering. In a weird way, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one who has a hard time socializing. I used to be pretty social as well, now it takes all I have just to hang out with my boyfriend every day.

To both of you: thank you for posting your feelings and experiences. Fish, sounds like you are getting to the end; you don't have much longer! Sherah, whether tapering or not, it's nice to read your encouraging, informative posts. I've learned a lot from both of you and I just wanted to say that I appreciate you posting your experiences.

Peace and happy times ahead to both of you!

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 Post subject: day 4.5 off sub report
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 8:44 pm 
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Its now the evening of the forth day off suboxone. I have to say, all the acute symptoms are definitely gone and I am starting to feel like myself again. I am out of the woods but still a long road ahead of me.

My biggest complaint is the low low low energy. I just feel really weak physically. I did not take any clonidine today but I will tonight to make me sleep.

I really do wonder how long this fatigue will linger on. It's been most people's biggest complaint after jumping off, like they have no energy for months. I tried one l-tyrosine capsule and I think it gave me a little energy boost. I only took 500mg though, which is one capsule.

I think I will maybe try it again tomorrow when its time to get ready to go to the party. Can't decide if I will feel better getting dressed up or just being casual. It's hard to imagine actually feeling pretty right now.

I feel like since I was on such a low dose when I tapered, I'm hoping that will work in my favor and my energy will return to normal sooner than later.

So yes! Four days off, going on five. I never actually thought I'd get this far. I hope I am pleasantly surprised tomorrow and feel a lot better. I can already tell I'm going to like the way I feel without suboxone. It served its purposes for me but I'm excited to put the whole chapter behind me.


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 Post subject: another day 4 update
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 11:35 pm 
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Felt like journaling here more because I really feel the strong need to talk about this, but the two family members I use for support are indisposed at the moment. Sooooo here it goes.

Almost through with day 4, going to be starting day 5 when I wake up tomorrow. As is always the case, and probably always will be the case, I'm going to knock myself out with ambien and clonidine (OK from doctor)

I'm really nervous that I won't be able to have enough energy for all these relatived up at this family dinner up in the mountains. I am obligated to attend. I mean, I was the one who helped planned it. Such is life. Maybe I'll end up feelimg great, who knows. And if I don't I can always just make up some excuse as to why I can't move around and eat and socialize. Like I have super bad ulcer or somethin. I don't know that's just the first idea that came out of my head haha.

Tonight I took my dog on another walk only this time we went farther and walked faster, and I got some crazy idea to jog with my dog to the next sidewalk intersection.... And I did.. And it didn't suck! So I jogged another block or two on the way home, and then walked the dog for another five mins.

Definitely not my usual workout that's for sure, but in do feel accomplished.

Going to sleep now: )
Thanks for the posts everyone!


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 Post subject: day 5. success!
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2015 3:35 pm 
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Just felt the need to check in on day 5, despite the fact that I feel REALLY REALLY GOOD today.!!!!

Woke up feeling good, took a little mustering up of some bravery but i made myself get in the shower and been out of the house ever since.

Went to breakfast with some friends, like out at a real place hahaha. Then we went out to the range for some target practice. It felt really good to fire my weapon, got rid of all the weakness I had been feeling previously.

So yeah. Day 5 and feeling awesome!


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