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 Post subject: First Timer/ First Blog
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 3:25 am 
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Hi guys!
Let me just start by saying.... this is the very first time I have ever stumbled upon ANY type of Suboxone support group/ forum, and to say I am releaved is the understatement of the decade! A quick run down about me: I am a 27 yr old student living in the FL Keys, and am new to the island (moved here with my sis about a yr ago). I made the personal choice before coming to the island, not to tell any of the people I met or became friends with or even dated, about my Sub use. I was treated for amphetamine and opuid addiction back home in Michigan in 2009. It was an amazing program (same rehab Eminem went to- little fun fact for ya!) and I stayed for 30 days, before moving into an all womans half way house for the whole summer.
Anyways, after leaving, I could have obviously chosen to go "back to the real world" /home life/ work/ school without my Suboxone scripts. At the time I didn't know very much about the "new" recovery drug, and I guess you could say my mind wasn't obsessed with Subs, or thinking of it as my krutch or new DOC. It was just something I took once a day, without giving much thought to it. I went about my normal routine, and that was that.
Life after treatment was, to say the least, DULL and predictable (but after years of the insanity and ups and down roller coaster nightmare I was in prior, this was the best thing for me in the entire world- to BE BORED). I lived at home with my mom, who was and is, also my best friend. We watched TV at night, fell asleep early, and worked/saved money. I truly stayed "sober" after rehab (despite what people feel about those of us who take Suboxone), worked hard in school, stayed single in order to work on myself and grow as a woman, and continued going to meetings and my addiction counselor. Nothing excited happened from 2009 until Christmas 2011, and I mean nothing (of significance)- until my little sister and I bravely made the decision to up and change our life dramatically. After the holidays, we packed our bags, filled our vehicles to the brim with every possible item we could (and of course my 10 yr old Sheltie), and said tearful goodbyes to everyone we knew and loved.
Living on a 4 by 2 mile island could not be more opposite than my every day life back home in MI. From the get go, my sister and I "got into the party/club scene" bc a HUGE part of Key West revolves around the world famous Duval St. If this tells you anything- the island has more bars than churches in the entire 150 mile spread out of the FL Keys, and more bars and clubs on the same street than anywhere else in the world. Anyways, drinking was never a problem for me in the past, but before I knew it, we were dressing up and going out 5 nights a week, having (protected) one night stands, and basically just spicing things up. It wasn't that I was falling back into my old drug life, not at all honestly. This was actually the kind of life style I had skipped over when turning 21 b/c my mind was so fixated on pills and speeding that I could've cared less about dancing, boozing, and meeting guys.
To my point (sorry, I write A TON whenever I write anything lol, bear with me b/c I truly do need some input and advice guys!)... I have now been on Suboxone since my stint in rehab, so going on 4 straight years. There was one instance where I ATTEMPTED to taper down, but in all honesty, my goal in doing so was b/c I was missing and craving the "real" high and planned on going back to Vikes, Oxies, etc. It didn't work, bc I am impatient and started taking Vikes before I was even off Subs for 5 days!
Let me just point out to you all- I am on an extremely high dose of Suboxone (which is kind of a break through for me to ADMIT b/c until I found this forum site and read through tons and tons of posts, I just assumed 16mg-24mg was the norm for us!). My doc down here is on the island is an old hippie quack, who has no interest in treating (I see him once every other month for about 2 minutes- just enough time to tell him, yes, my periods are normal, and yes, I am comfortable at my dosage). I find that I don't take my films consistently anymore... like for example, if I wake up and feel like shit and am lethargic, I dissolve an 8mg in my mouth for over an hour (b/c I've convinced myself along the way that the longer I let it sit in my mouth, the better I will feel). And then within a few hours I want to take ANOTHER 8mg. So the dosage varies from 16mg to 32mg every day.
I was shocked to read on these forums/blogs that people don't experience a high right away from their Sub! B/c for me, the ONLY time I get that rush, or euphoria, or pain free slightly high feeling is during the time the film is dissolving (and perhaps for the 10 following minutes after swallowing).
I will try and wrap up here, and get to what it is I am asking (just wanted to write everything above so you can all get to know me and my story somewhat before replying- which I appriecate more than words can say!). I didn't begin considering if I was hooked on the idea of "Suboxone forever" until I made a scary decision this summer. After drinking way too much with my boyfriend (now living with him and its getting serious), about taking this medicine. I broke down and admitted my short comings, and my addictions in the past, and said, "well, you see how sometimes I'm talking funny,...and you know how I told you I was dissolving my Vitamin under my tongue every day? Well..." His reaction broke my heart guys. He is very anti drugs, and completely changed his outlook toward me from that day forward =( Before you write him off as a bad guy, and someone I should kick to the curb, let me just say, it's good judgement. Such as...he has the belief that many people out there do- why replace one drug with another? Why can't I just live without Suboxone, if it "really isn't that big of deal"? Why have I been taking it for 4 yrs if I claim I don't NEED it? Don't I want to put all this medicine, and doctor visits, and pills/films, behind me? Which...lets all stop and take a moment to examine these very rational questions. He has a point!!!
I still don't feel that am ready, b/c of 3 main reasons: 1) I believe if I tapper off, I will get deathly sick after such heavy doses. OK whatever, I can truck it through that one... but we all know how an addict seeks out the feel goods and the easy fixes and instant gratifications in life! 2) I have an extreme case of Chronic Fatigue and sleep anywhere from 10-15 hours a day (sometimes taking naps to through out the day!), and Suboxone is THE ONLY THING I HAVE EVER TAKEN that has given me any kind of boost/motivation/push to get up, do things, be productive. So feeling groggy and out of it and in a fog- makes me CLING to my films for dear life. And 3) the most important reason of all. I am terrified that I have not made as much progress as I think I may have these past 4 yrs, and have over estimated my strength and ability to STAY CLEAN after the Subs are gone and out of my system for good.
So, the sum up this incredibly lengthy forum,...I guess I am just at a crossroads here, b/c my insurance is going to run out in May 2014. Which leaves me with 2 paths to choose from... I am standing and pausing, looking back and forth between each one (think of the dark woods in Alice and Wonderland, and the pink path infront of her)... Here are my choices/ways to view this whole situation. I could go left, the path of fear and uncertainty, pull up my big girl panties, and say goodbye to the very last feel good medication I take (there is just enough time to properly taper off this "drug" before my insurance runs out). ORRRR I could go right and continue down the path of certainty and comfort and consistency... choosing to remain on the thing that I believe keeps me sane, grounded, and clear headed- not giving up the ONE thing that helps with my CFS, giving me energy and motivation to live a normal day to life, like other people.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this (if you did haha) and for ANY kind of response you have the time to give. I will be checking back here and there the next couple of weeks, as I am very greatful to have found something where I can hear from people who actually GET IT! My boyfriend and my sister don't understand...and everyone else in my life down here on the island thinks of me as a sweet untroubled student, and occasionally your typical wild, young party gal. THIS is the real me though, and the issue that I have been going back and forth with in my mind and in my heart ALONE for some time... so to stumble upon this forum last week felt like a sign... a God send. I love how open and honest and forward everyone on here is, so please don't hold back out of fear of hurting my feelings... or worrying I will go off on some cyber space war/rant (don't you HATE it when people do that lol). Tell me your experiences with the medicine, or with tapering, or CFS, or judgement from friends/loved ones who don't agree with or understand your choice to be on this drug. Anything at all (really) will be so extremly beneficial for me b/c it is something I am so currently going through and struggeling with... and I am certain, whatever posts I read in response to my story/questions, will provide me with a new perspective- and shine some light... b/c as of now, I am undoudetly stuck inside my addict thinking, and one way track mind.
Nice to "meet" my fellow addicts in recovery, and can not wait to continue posting and learning and growing through this support group. Love you all ! :D


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 10:12 am 
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From what I've read, it seems as though you may be addicted to your Sub's because you're taking them, in part, to get that high and because within a few hours of taking one, you want to take more. But, even though you're doing this, I'm going to guess you're in a much better spot now than you were when you were out chasing pills?

For a lot of us, staying on or getting off Suboxone comes down to a question of quality of life. Is your quality of life better now while you're on Suboxone or will it be better when you're off. To me, it sounds like you should stay on it, for at least a good while.

If you do decide to quit, the first thing you should do is get your dose stable. Take your dose once per day, if you can, and try to resist leaving it in your mouth for an hour. Taking your dose multiple times daily is addictive behavior. From what I've read, I think (?) you leaving your dose in your mouth for so long is addictive behavior, too. You need to start addressing these addictive behaviors now if you hope to be successful if/when you do quit Suboxone.

Addiction is a legitimate disorder of the brain. The fact that your BF wants you off Suboxone is HIS problem because he doesn't understand addiction.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 2:43 am 
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Hm.... 44 views since last night, and only one reply? =( I must admit, I am a little bumed out. Thank you though, to the solo person who took the time out of their day/night to share with me your input and advice. I, too, have heard from a fellow addict to, "leave the film or pill in your mouth as long as humanly possible- the longer you let it dissolve, the higher you will get." Didn't sound to me like he was truly working his program... but then again, this same person overdosed on heroin about 6 months after that conversation =( Rest in piece "Burgs".
Maybe I should narrow it down somewhat, in order to get more people to post. When was, during your Sub treatment plan, YOU realized it was becoming something more than just a detox support (feel free to leave detailed examples and stories- I am very curious)? What kinds of judgement/responses/opinions have you received from friends, family, spouses, or others in the NA or AA program? How have you defended your Suboxone use when you someone would attack your choices? How long did you take the medicine before realizing it was becoming yet another DOC? Did you get an euphoric rush or feelings of well being when taking the medicine (if so, how long into the Sub use did this fade away)?
And most importantly- if you are a member of this forum who made the (brave, admirable) choice to taper off... please take a moment to jot down a few of the ways your life is different now compared to when you used the medicine. How do you feel today emotionally? Physically? Mentally? Sexually? Haha... you get the point.
Thanks and much love to everyone out there reading!


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 6:10 am 
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Hello Sarah,

Please understand that many people like me here live very busy lives and don't have the time to post nearly as often or as much as we would like to do. Many work full time jobs, go to school, have families and small children that need taken care of, and many other things that keep them from posting all the time.

I read your post last night, twice in fact if you can believe that to make sure i understood it correctly. I just didn't have time to respond. The best advice and/or suggestions I can give you right now is to take some time and read as many different threads and stories as you possibly can to familiarize yourself with the members. There are so many different stories from some amazing people that are in different levels of their bupe treatment.

My story is here in the "Stopping Suboxone" section if you want to take a peek. It's a very long thread, but filled with so many suggestions, and so much advice, and support from very knowledgeable and experienced, caring and concerned members that helped me so much it's amazing! I was originally on 24mgs of Suboxone in the beginning. I knew it was time for me personally to get off and began tapering on my own without my doctors knowledge. I got down to 2mg and needed help tapering further. I came here, got that help, and now am off the sub and thoroughly enjoying life without the help of any kind of addictive or mind-altering substance!

I'm also expecting my very first child, and recently had to literally throw the father of the baby out of my home. There are so many stories here for you to read. Take some time to read up, and then maybe you can comment directly to those members, and they in return will also comment to you too!

Welcome to you Sarah, and I hope you stick around and take advantage of the support and suggestions that will surely come your way. Just please be patient as people will respond when they have the time to do so.

You take care now and I wish you the very best. Your in a great place on this forum, you will see as more and more people come around!

Karen xoxo


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 9:57 am 
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I'm not sure why more people haven't responded to your thread, but I'm guessing the length of your first post and the complexities involved in your situation have some people sitting on the side lines?

I'm going to try to answer your questions as best I can.

I knew the day I started Suboxone that it was more than just a detox tool for me. My first dose got me high as a kite, but it also maintained me without the crushing wd's coming 4 hours or so that I would get after taking a handful of pain pills. I loved Suboxone because it got me a buzz, but held me for so long, too. Not that I didn't take my Suboxone several times through the day, though. Addict behavior 101.

I received no judgements from family for being on Suboxone. My wife was extremely happy that I was on Suboxone. She had seen how I was on pain pills. I was out, spending all our money, constantly gobbling up pills and constantly in and out of wd. Even though I abused my Suboxone, I wasn't draining our bank account, I wasn't chasing pills all day long and I wasn't in and out of wd, I was much more stable all around.

I didn't tell anyone else in my family about Suboxone, so no judgements there. My friends who I told about me being on Suboxone were happy for me, they were happy to see me attempting to get a grip on my addiction.

As for tapering off, I got off Suboxone (after being on it 3 years) by jumping from a decently high dose. It was hell, I wouldn't recommend that route!! :wink:

For me (and a lot of others), being on Suboxone and being off Suboxone are two different worlds. Not too long after getting off Suboxone, the cravings for opiates started coming back. I have to say I was unprepared for them and slipped several times with pain pills, but I also picked myself right back up and got back in the game. Life without pain pills was a big change, but I had Suboxone to help me, life without Suboxone is a really big change. In my case, I needed some recovery techniques and principles to help me.

K, I hope some others come along and offer their input and suggestions, too.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 2:37 pm 
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Hi Sarah,
I don't know if posting this will add much to the discussion, because Romeo and I have so much in common that I could have written 90% of what he said myself. I too got buzzed on and abused my Suboxone, until I came to the point where it just turned me into a zombie.

The difference with me is that my husband HATED that I was on Suboxone. I've been off of it for 8 months now and he will still go off even at the mention of it. (he's a firefighter and he's been to a couple of one car wrecks where the driver nodded out on Suboxone, one just a couple of days ago, in fact).

How am I off of Suboxone? Emotionally - very volatile, and my biggest struggle is handling my feelings on a daily basis. But on Sub I was emotionless. Physically - healthier. Mentally - clearer and better memory. Sexually - its like night and day.

All that being said, you indicated you would be drug seeking if you went off Sub, and I would take that very seriously. I wouldn't even consider going off of it until you get back into recovery, maybe start working some steps, maybe get a sponsor or drug counselor or other support...and maybe even get off the party island.

Yes, sobriety is boring, but active addiction is deadly.
Best of luck to you,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 7:28 pm 
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Quote:
When was, during your Sub treatment plan, YOU realized it was becoming something more than just a detox support (feel free to leave detailed examples and stories- I am very curious)?


I knew before going on suboxone this final time, that I'd be using it for long term maintenance. I knew this because I'd tried several times to use it short term as a detox tool, and the results were laughable. Not even worth it.. at least for me.


Quote:
What kinds of judgement/responses/opinions have you received from friends, family, spouses, or others in the NA or AA program? How have you defended your Suboxone use when you someone would attack your choices?


My husband was on suboxone with me, so no judgments there. My side of the family knew about suboxone and understood it. The rest of my friends and my husband's family did not know about it. We chose to keep it to ourselves, it wasn't really anyone's business.


Quote:
How long did you take the medicine before realizing it was becoming yet another DOC? Did you get an euphoric rush or feelings of well being when taking the medicine (if so, how long into the Sub use did this fade away)?


Sub never turned into a DOC for me, personally. It was a means to an end. I never got a rush or euphoria from suboxone. I may be in the minority here. I think it has to do with the fact that my tolerance was so high. I was on a good amount of heroin before getting on methadone. After being on methadone for 2 years, taking suboxone was as enjoyable as eating toothpaste.

Quote:
And most importantly- if you are a member of this forum who made the choice to taper off... please take a moment to jot down a few of the ways your life is different now compared to when you used the medicine. How do you feel today emotionally? Physically? Mentally? Sexually?


My life is different in many ways, both good and bad.

Good ways- I feel less anxious and there for more at peace with where I am personally. My blood pressure is lower from when I was on suboxone, probably due to the anxiety. I am much more present for the people in my life. I feel like I enjoy the little things in life on a whole new level. I can plan a trip out of town and not have to stress about whether I have enough meds. Sex is much better.

Bad ways- I am much more vulnerable. When I was on suboxone, it was like I was wrapped in bubble wrap and was protected from "sharp edges" or accidents. Now I have to look out for myself for real. The euphoria of getting off subs eventually wears off and triggers or situations can arise and you're only left with yourself to get through it. Hopefully you live and learn and ultimately find tools to get through the challenges. But it's much different being on sub vs. off sub in this regard. It's nothing to take lightly, that's for sure. In general, I have less energy than I did when I was on suboxone.

That's about all I can think of now..


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 8:46 pm 
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Hi Sarah,

I just got to your post, we have lots of posts here every day so sometimes it takes a bit for people to read each one. Sorry for the wait.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you aren't ready to quit subs yet. Like Romeo said, you are describing some addictive behaviors surrounding your sub dose and those are things you need to get control of if you are going to successfully quit maintenance. I agree with what you said when you mentioned you were worried you haven't made as much progress as you think. Not meaning you aren't doing great...but if you have been on an average of 24mgs a day for 4 years and have never consistently tapered I don't think you are prepared for life with nothing...YET. If it's truly your desire to be sub free then you can do it...but you shouldn't do it because of pressure from your boyfriend.

I think a good place for you to start is to get stable on your dose. You need to start taking it once per day, and try not to focus so much on how long you hold it in your mouth. 15-20 minutes is plenty of time for it to be absorbed. That "high" you are feeling after 10 minutes is more than likely a result of gratifying those addictive behaviors. Your receptors are completely filled already and you aren't going to feel a high so quickly or even at all from your dose each day.

Part of what you need to understand is that even if you are at the best place possible with your addiction and have done an extreme amount of recovery work, when you discontinue the subs you are going to have to deal with cravings. You have been filling your opiate receptors every day for 4 years consistently. When you take that away from them they are going to start screaming "where's my opiates"! Are you prepared for that? Living on a party island and going out clubbing at night where I'm sure there is unlimited access to any kind of drug you would want will be a tough place to be when you start craving again for the first time in years.

Don't get me wrong, I think you can do it, and only you can decide if you should, but I'm not sure you realize what it's going to be like yet.

If I were you I would first stableize on your current dose and then take it down to about 16mgs a day for a month, then 8mgs a day for a month. If you still feel like you want to taper at that point you can go from there.

As for my personal experience...I was not supported by my husband when he knew about my sub use. He, along with my doctor, pushed me into tapering and jumping off. It didn't take long before I found a new doctor and went back on without his knowledge. I wasn't ready, and I was quickly headed for relapse. I'm on a low dose of 2mgs per day now and plan on staying here for awhile before attempting a taper again. Your health and sobriety are worth too much for you to let someone who doesn't understand addiction dictate what you need to do.

Good luck!

Q

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 04, 2013 6:45 am 
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Hello to my fellow xone zone forum friends! I hope each of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with family, love, and great food! =) ... that was a little corny, but I actually do mean it haha. Being 2000 miles away from those you love and are close to- well, it sure is difficult on days like Thanksgiving. Luckily tho, my Mom surprised me with a 1 way air fair ticket home for Christmas! What could be better? Oh, wait, I forgot... finally getting a car!! I've been riding my old rickety bike to and from work, and school, for 6 long months. She's being kind enough to GIVE me her old Cavilier, so I will be driving my new wheels back down to the Keys after my visit... Going to be TOUGH doing that haul all by my lone-some, but the Nuvigil I take now helps keep me alert n awake when the time calls.
Anyways- getting way off topic.
First and foremost, to those of you who responded to my first blog **THANK YOU**!! Can't really put into words what it was like for me to come home after a long nights work, and having such gotten into an argument with my boyfriend (lately the 2 things we bicker about are finances, and my taking Suboxone-errrr!)...when I would grab the laptop and my cigs, I'd go out onto the front porch and sign into this forum. There waiting were the kind, supportive words I so desperately needed to hear, and at the perfect times! I've never felt so appriecative and greatful towards the people in my life WHO DO UNDERSTAND and support me, without judgement. Too bad this category of people does not include the man that I love, but what can you do?
*Secondly,... I want to respond to a few of the messages I received. Each and everyone made me think, and after reading them, I would go back and re-read it, just to make sure the "point/message" was clear. See, I have been so utterly lost emotionally and mentally over the past 3 months, that I cling to anything that points in me a certain direction!! Haha.
Basically, I do agree with who said I may be abusing this medication. I gave it some hard core, self analytical thought, and ultimately decided to be HONEST with myself- hell, if we can't be 100% honest with ourselves, aren't we basically f*cked (especially when in recovery!!). I couldn't straight out say though, that I am quote, un-quote, addicted to Suboxone. I just don't see it that way, which I try to explain in detail to my boyfriend when it comes up, but that man, I swear, will just be waiting to shoot back some snide comment, or question he already knows the answer to. For example: "if you don't get high from it, what's the point of it? I mean, if it's not a krutch, if it's not a drug, then just stop taking it? What doctor in their right mind would prescribe a drug to an addict to get off another drug? And what doctor would do that for you for 4 years?" A basic run down of the things he has said, and... caused me to re-think this whole "Sub plan" I've stuck to unconsciously for a very long time. I guess I just never, ever,...even once, considered getting off of it. I didn't want to go through "withdrawl hell" and experience PAWS down the road. I didn't want to get sick, and have to suffer... so I told myself for the past 4 years, that my relationship with Suboxone was innocent enough. It had no negative effects on me besides constipation, and it doesn't interfere with my day to day routine. You just don't get that shameful, I've gone off the deep end feeling, when you're taking Suboxone. You think of that orange strip as your life saver. Your rock. Your... constant. Also, I felt taking it everyday was justifiable, in that... I didn't take more of than I should (OK, wait-maybe once a month or so, on a bad day, I WILL take 24mg instead of 16mg but I doubt it makes much of a difference so I have read about something called a ceiling effect. Sometimes our minds just crawl about to those addict ways of thinking, we're just programed to screw up once in a blue moon...lets just hope the "screw up" is something small tho like this! And not going out in search of your old DOC). I suppose, that I can-admit that I DO sort of... lean on Suboxone... But don't we all, in a way? Isn't that, sort of, the purpose of it in the first place? B/c the main thing I hear from my boyfriend when explaining his hatred/opinions/discust toward Suboxone, is that it is a decent drug to use WHEN detoxing. But other than that, it should serve no purpose and is only stretching out a fresh, new addiction. Doe he have a point? Any thoughts?
***One of the people who responded to my message, said it perfectly- being on this medicine, is like walking through life every day completely covered in bubble wrap. Meaning, you're safe. I totally get what you're saying!! And maybe this is what I mean when I say it is a "krutch" for me. Not the way Adderall was all those years ago, which was my DOC. Strange, isn't it, how after abusing, basically, legal speed/meth for 3 straight years, the doctors in rehab put me on Suboxone! Hmmmm.... any suggestions?
Anyways, what I was saying guys... is that, right now, at this point in time, I am lost about MANY different things in my life. My situation living for far from home and my Mom, my best friend. About going back to school, or not (and how to afford it). I'm lost about my "home life", b/c my boyfriend, I have just recently been able to identify and come to terms with, IS emotional abusive (AT TIMES), and... well, the big bomb: he is a full blown alcohalic. Another time and place, tho, for opening up about this sheer hell!!!) But what I can do though, is come on and share on here, about the Suboxone and its role in my life... b/c I sure as hell am lost about this, too. Most of all really. B/c my "program" (the one with Sub Help) runs out in May next yr, which means, my perscriptions each month will no longer be FREE. And those of you who pay for this stuff out of pocket will agree with me here: THIS SHIT IS LIKE PAYING FOR GOLD! I mean, a tad... ironic?... right, that you have to come up with $480 for a month supply of Suboxone, but our old drugs of choice were FAR LESS exspensive than that! Dark thought there, but most definatly reality. Do begin to taper off now, or very soon, so that I can stretch the process out comfortably until May, when I can no longer get it for free? Seems like an excellent plan, I know! I've been back and forth about this in my head for weeks! Sooo frustrating... And intimidating, to be honest :/
I don't know what else I meant to say tonight, besides that... I think, perhaps, I just simply needed to do THIS. To share, communicate my fears and worries. To admit outloud, to myself, and others... that maybe I don't want to, or CAN'T (right now)- get off of it. Shouldn't the people who love and say they what whats best for me, TRUST in my decision that staying on it, IS what's best for me??? Has anyone else had this same issue come up with their partner or parents of a family member? I need to know how to handle it, b/c the pressure is adding and adding, and I don't want to end up being weak enough to be pushed into this tapering off process...when I'm not READY for it. What if I end up using a mere few weeks after "the jump" (going from .2 mg to nothing). What if... I don't know... I resent him/them, and end up going back to my Suboxone doctor, and getting back on the medicine behind everyones back? I don't think I could be alright with sneaking around, taking Suboxone in private forever. That'd just be so... fake and cowardly.
Point is this... I know it'd please my boyfriend, and my younger sister would surely be proud of me. My Mom would possibly be ABLE to stop worrying about me "falling back into my old ways"
(though, it's off, b/c she was always my biggest cheerleader and never once mentioned any concern for anything to do with my being on Suboxone all these yrs- but suddenly my boyfriends opinions are leaking into others- wouldn't this just PISS you off, make you feel so...misunderstood? Betrayed? I don't know....) Those things are wonderful, and important to me.*** But if I've learned ANY one thing during my time in addiction and then recovery, it is that... in order to be OK, we need to know ourselves. It's best to be "in tune" with your feelings, and to be confidant in not only who you are, but the choices that you make. And also, a thought... no matter who we have in our lives,... no matter the love and support I would get getting off Suboxone before May,... that sometimes we've got to be selfish. If it means KNOWING, truly knowing, that you're doing OK, and your actions are innocent, and well thought out. Basically all should be well in the world, and within yourself, IF YOU ARE THE ONE driving, if you're in the driver seat of your life. Am I making sense right now? Lol. I hope so! I do tend to ramble and write A TON late at night, alone with my thoughts... sorry about that :/
I'd be so greatful for any further thoughts of opinions to this post. Thanks listening, and just letting a very confused, lonely, lost girl, ramble on....


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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