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 Post subject: First post introduction
PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 7:52 pm 
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Hello all- I'm new to the site and new to Suboxone. VERY happy to have found this forum! I recently shared with a couple AA people that I started with the Sub and have felt negative vibes ever since. It's nice to know that there are so many good folks out there, non judgmental and in the same boat as me.

I have never really shared my whole crazy story with anyone but a sponsor. By way of introduction I would like to do that now. I hope that's appropriate to the forum. So please forgive the lengthy post to follow, but It would really help me if you can take the time to read and to know if anyone has a similar story.

I first used opiates when I was four years old. One day my joints swelled and became very painful. I was admitted to a children's ward at a city hospital. Some kind of strange juvenile-response arthritis was the eventual diagnosis. I shared a room with several other kids. Since I couldn't walk I had to call for a bedpan and remember being humiliated. Lot's of aspirin, blood test and groups of med students talking about my case. But at night I remember getting the OTHER meds that made the physical pain and humiliation go away and let me drift off to sleep. I have a terrible memory- but I clearly remember this.

I was bipolar starting as a child. I had terrible fits of uncontrollable rage in the "up" stage, severe depression when down and refused to go to school. At 10 my parents took me to a shrink who would not treat with medication w/o hospitalization. This was 1972. For some reason they put me on an adult ward with very little supervision. Not quite "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", but more like that then a modern facility. Scary as hell. Remember a guy took me to his room and taught me to smoke and wear bandannas hippy-style. Luckily no sexual abuse. Crazy place- no supervision. I'm not sure what kind of drugs they gave me. Worst memory: I had a dispute/tantrum with a nurse and was put in a straight jacket and thrown into a padded room. What do you tell your friends when you get back to school after that? Nothing- you just mumble something and get away quickly. Swear that you will never let anyone get close enough to know that you are a "former mental patient", "insane". (Hope this doesn't come across as self-pity. I have dealt with it, but it's part of what made me an addict I think).

I dropped out of school at 16 and spent my days in my bedroom, nights just walking around wallowing in depression. I tool much too much acid and other hallucinogens trying to figure out what life was about from the inside out. I was getting a lot of Valium and other psych drugs also all during my teenage years. I had two or three other stays in psych wards after overdoses of pills, ether, alcohol and anything else I could get.

At 17, not knowing what to do with me, my parents sent me to a half way house in the mountain west. Got kicked out of there soon after but met a girl there and got her pregnant. So I was married at 18, her 16; both of us very messed up and immature. I found a good construction job but had to drive 90 miles through traffic to and from work. A coworker introduced me to something he called "crank". Never had any experience with meth before then so didn't know much about the dangers. I loved it at first- all kinds of energy and I could talk up a storm rather than being shy. After one week I met his dealer who was shooting up. I dove right in.

The meth tore me up. I was able to quit after a year and never go back. I was able to get it together enough to go back to school. Studying became my new drug. I took on the toughest major I could find. I craved the "A"s and was petrified of failing. Besides some binge drinking and and messed up relationships with women, I was pretty successful. Things were coming together for me and I was able to raise my two children by myself while living in student-family housing at the university.

I enrolled in graduate school and started working out a lot. I had been the slowest runner in my grade school classes- hated gym, was pudgy and soft. But I found that I could get on a bike and ride with just about anyone. I started doing triathlons and the endorphins became my new drug.

Following grad school I obtained a faculty position at a major university. I kept at the triathlon and started winning my age group at small races. I started training seriously and began winning races, then state and regional championships. I did this despite an arthritic hip left over from the childhood arthritis. I got married to a wonderful woman who forgave me my issues. Things were great!

I was proud of my accomplishments. Who would have thought that I could have gone from such a start to having a prestigious job and being an accomplished endurance athlete. But life was still hollow somehow. I would win a race and feel empty inside. Getting drunk or high filled the void again. Eventually my hip became worse and before a big race I was able to get my Doc to give me Percoset. I had always loved the feeling opiates gave me and had used opportunistically. I had never been around H or many pills, but scored from doctors or dentists whenever possible. I took more and more percs and got mail order Lori. About the same time I found a dentist who would write me for Dilaudid and I took my old needle habit to my drug of choice. I also played around with some "research chemicals"- very powerful designer hallucinogens. Things went south in a hurry and I ended up in rehab.

I went to meetings and was able to find a Higher Power. I embraced Buddhism, and meditation helped me tremendously with the bipolar. But the sobriety did not last long. I kept finding myself back in the same old place. I started using IV Oxy and would go on two or three week runs followed by painful withdrawal- the worst part was the effect on my mood. It put me in a black, black place that made it difficult to function. Each time I would come off a run and swear, "never again".

Two more stints in rehab. The final one for 4 months. I came out feeling the best I ever had in my life. I was spiritually connected, motivated, happy and optimistic. Was using a month later.

I went through years of going to meetings. REALLY TRYING to work steps, surrender and live a clean spiritual life. I spent an hour a day in prayer and meditation (This from a guy who had been a hard core atheist for many years- got thrown out of Sunday school when I was 9 for challenging the teacher for scientific proof)! I led meetings, volunteered for service positions. . .and could not stay clean.

My last go-round with opiates was with raw poppies. I could not break free from this stuff. Much more powerful than I would ever have thought. In desperation I promised my wife that I would try Suboxone if I had one more relapse.

So here I am. I felt a lot of guilt about starting the Sub, but have gotten a lot of hope reading the stories here. I am always on the fence about things and did a lot of debating with myself. I wish that my meditation, meetings and exercise alone alone could cure me of my diseases, but it seems that will never be the case. So I have accepted that the Suboxone is the way to go for now. With my history, maybe the way to go for a long time. I started out at 12mg and went down as low as 3. At 3 mg I felt like I was always waiting for the next dose and not getting the full effect. Right now I am at 6mg per day (3x 2 mg doses) and feeling really good. My mood seems stable and I have no cravings at all. I have hope and my relationship with my wife is as good or better than it ever has been.

Thanks for reading this, those of you who made it through. Hope to make some new friends here!


 Post subject: What a story
PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 8:12 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 23, 2010 3:44 pm
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Aero, What a story! I was taken in by your first paragraph.

Iam Queenie, a 68 yr. old grandmother here. I have 2 wonderful grandsons so your post moved me to tears.

You will have lots of friends here. I don't usually answer first posts. I like to leave that to the more experienced posters and moderators. But, I had to say something. My good ness, what a life so far, You are a strong person and I hope Suboxone does what it needs to do for you.

I will be following your posts. Please stay. I think you will like it here.

Love, Queenie

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 8:34 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 12:59 pm
Posts: 1039
Hi Aero, Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. Although you may have felt different most of your life, I think you will find a lot of people with whom you can identify here. You will also find lots of information and support. Glad you found Suboxone and us. Take care.

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