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 Post subject: Finally a day clean ..
PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 2:51 pm 
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I felt the need to chime in after reading a variety of forums post over the past week on suboxone withdrawal. I was an active user of opiates/benzos (2g heroin + 10mg kpin/day) for ~4 years. My story is surely not unordinary. It is however important to me that I share my experience, strength, and hope because there is the possibility that I can help one sick or suffering addict with my story.
I'm on day 5 of kicking suboxone.

I used drugs because I didn't feel good about myself. I fed the very large gorilla on my back every day to numb my feelings, to remove my insecurities, worries, and fears of the world around me. I won't get into all of the gory details of my using days. I've basically tried every drug under the sun and have had many positive and enlightening experiences on drugs. They are only memories today though. I laugh and cry about them. That is how it should be because I cannot change the past and can only move forward with my life. It takes a great deal of acceptance to live every day without a single regret. We live and we learn though. And in the long run, the negative consequences of using drugs always outweigh the positive experiences for us addicts.

The pain eventually became too great and I entered detox. I considered myself weak for doing so. I attempted to kick the habit many a times on my own and failed miserably. Every time I would trick myself into thinking this time will be different. If I stayed off the junk for 72 hours, what harm could there possibly be in doing just one more? In hindsight, I felt a sense of entitlement - the need to reward myself for my good, bad, or indifferent behavior. I am an addict and my no. 1 priority was always to get high.

I was blessed to be wise beyond my years, but plagued with ideas of grandiosity. I was not superman and it was the most humbling experience of my life to learn that I was just another dope fiend trying to stay clean one day at a time. I can still remember to this day when I used to think that drugs - uppers, downers, and all arounders - were my secret sauce. The bottom line is that there was always a rationalization, justification, and/or excuse to smoke, shoot, or snort that next one. It was never just one more though.

I reached a point in my life where I was convinced that I would be using drugs until I died. My goal at work was to make enough $ to pay for my habit. That's all I cared about. I did my best to cover it up from my family, friends, and colleagues. I even lied to my using friends so they would not realize the severity of my habit. Everybody close to me knew that I had a problem but rarely did anybody say anything because I seemingly had my life together. I wish they knew that I was hanging by a thread.

A bit of background history - I was diagnosed with ADHD as a freshman in high school. My research and meetings with psychiatrists and therapists over the years tells me that I have what is called gifted ADHD. I was prescribed the usual go to drugs in the suburbs for teenagers - Ritalin, Concerta, and eventually Adderal for ~7 years. My grades upticked and so did my confidence. I was no longer afraid and uncertain, but rather confident and calculated. I began to realize that I had an "edge" over my peers. However, I never did enjoy the feelings that stimulants gave me and countered this as a teenager by smoking excessive amounts of marijuana.
I was conditioned at a young age to think that drugs solve day-to-day problems without realizing the long-term consequences of using them. Boy was I wrong.

I went to college and this is where I was introduced to the wonderful (yet terrible) world of downers. It was a quick, downhill slope to active addiction and all the pain and misery that comes with it. The rest is history.

I learned in the program of Narcotics Anonymous (NA) that we are not responsible for our disease, but are responsible for our recovery. I took this to heart and embraced the spiritual principles of the program that are its foundation: open mindedness, willingness, and honesty. It was not easy. Living life on life's terms is never easy. We get through it though and it always does get better. Patience was certainly not a strength of mine.

I went to several NA meetings while in active addition - it made me feel better about myself to go after work even though I would regularly get high in the bathroom or immediately following the meeting. The important part is that it gave me hope and when I hit my rock bottom I knew where to go for help. Do not be discouraged if you are still using or unsure if you want to get clean - the people in the program will welcome you with open arms and tell you to keep coming back.

In rehab, I was put on Suboxone - 24mg/day. I usually had a handful of these life savers in my apartment during active addiction, but never used them in a correct manner. It was suggested by my doctor that I stay on maintenance and I listened. I tapered over a three year period and jumped off at 1mg last week. It was my decision - there is no right time to do this although the timing seemed more right than it ever did before.

Did I get sick? You bet. However, it was manageable because I was mentally and spiritually in a good place. I did it with no drugs besides Tylenol and Hyland's Leg Cramps. You can do it too. Hot showers, music, and meditating are your friend. Call your loved ones and cry to them. Eat your favorite foods as often as you can. Be around people that make you laugh. Go for a walk, get a cup of coffee, and talk to a stranger. It is too hard to do this alone. Most importantly, do whatever it takes to get through the day and not pick up. If there is a will there is way and it does get better. I promise.

My reason for writing this is because I've read the countless horror stories on the Internet. Suboxone withdrawal is going to be uncomfortable. I was on Suboxone for over three years and do not remember life without it or drugs. It saddens me to say that, but my journey so far gives me hope that there are even more unlocked mysteries in life to come. I believe that Suboxone withdrawal is ultimately what you make of it and that it will make you stronger. It has made me stronger. If you're not ready, wait till you are.
This was a high risk / high reward decision for me and I needed to feel that I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually in check before making this leap of faith. It is a high risk / high reward decision for you too and don't underestimate it for a minute.

Suboxone was a stepping stone for me from a life of active addiction to being 100% clean. I don't regret taking it. I've actively worked a program while on Suboxone and got piece by piece of my life back and much more. I am closer to my family than ever before, finished school, have a beautiful girlfriend and dog, an awesome job, friends, and most importantly an inner peace that I am eternally grateful for. I thank the program every day for this.

I've been clean for over three years and clean from suboxone for 5 days. My body still aches and I think about what just one more would feel like all day, but I've never felt better in my entire life and this gives me hope. I am a miracle and you can be one too.

Peace & love,

anonymous

PS. shoot me a PM if there is anything I can do to help you through this process


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 Post subject: A MESSAGE FROM SLIPPER
PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 7:38 pm 
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Hi Neil and welcome to the forum.

I am so glad you wrote in about your experience. Mostly, all I hear are horror stories about getting off bup...and you
give everyone hope! Your story is amazing and your experience with NA will help others. I was in AA for about twenty
years....and I learned I was not the center of the universe. We need more people like you to write in. Most people that do
write in a positive outlook on tapering off bup never write back...so we never know what happened.

I do hope you will continue to write your experience...as you go through this journey....it would be so helpful to so
many. This is a great forum with a lot of great people who care about each other and those who write in.

Please don't stop writing!!! Please continue to give us an idea of what it is like to taper off of bup from your point of
view...even if you mess up, please continue..and of course I wish you all the best and hope for you a great life free from drugs..
I am an old lady now...but at 33 I began my road to addiction that lasted 29 years.
For some strange reason, my husband of 42 years has stayed with me. I did put him and my children and family through hell...and of course myself as well. The only thing that has ever helped me was the bup...I have been on it for 2 years.
It has changed my life....I don't crave or think about drugs anymore. I still have a lot of work to do on my addictive ways.
I do plan to get off when the time is right. I am not ready now. I have been clean and sober since I started the bup.

Your story gives me hope. Thanks again for writing. We are here for you too. I wish you all the best..

Sincerely,
Slipper

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"For evil to flourish, all that is needed is for good people to do nothing." >> Edmund Burke


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 7:50 pm 
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nealyoung, your honesty and your articulation to convey your story is staggering. I think you will definitely be an inspiration to a lot of us here. I jumped from 1.5mg of sub after 3+ years exactly 14 days ago. The first 3 days I actually felt pretty good mentally and not too bad physically. Day 4-6 I was in some pain. But now I can barely tell that I ever was taking sub, except for some insomnia. Your positive attitude will get you through this unscathed. Thanks again for sharing with us.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2012 9:13 pm 
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slipper & mw.stoner - thanks for the kind words.

slipper -

You are making the right call by waiting until you're ready. I put it off and put off. I didn't do this on purpose though. We get clean (w/ or w/o Suboxone) and we can begin to live life again. My decision to jump off was not a planned event, but rather a sudden, impulse decision. I knew it was time and more importantly was ready to deal with it. I warned my girlfriend that I was about to get sick and told several loved ones that would understand including my father, my sponsor, and three of my best friends. I live with my girlfriend, but everyone else checked in on me regularly and was there to listen if I wanted to talk.

I prefer to share my experience and not provide advice; however, I will say that I do not believe in Suboxone (or any drug) as a life long solution to narcotic addiction. There are always exceptions to the rule though. I'm glad to hear you plan to eventually get off Suboxone and are cognizant of where you stand in the process. I wish you the best.

Re: tapering, I did not feel any noticeable difference until I got to below 1mg/day. I was on 1mg/day for several months. I was breaking my 2mg pills into quarters and took 0.50mg/day as my two last doses. I always took Suboxone twice a day otherwise I'd get lethargic, chronic yawning, etc. 0.50mg/day caught me off guard and I was like hell, I might as well jump off instead of tapering further. It was my personal choice to feel sick all at once rather than over a multiple week period. I told my managers at work that I have the flu and am considering showing up for part of the day tomorrow for some important meetings.

I promise that I will continue to write as much as I can because it is extremely important to me that people understand that getting off Suboxone is doable. If anyone is interested in AA or NA, don't worry about being on Suboxone. Go and share how you feel, let it all out and you will feel better. I get the feeling that a lot of folks on Internet forums that are withdrawing from Suboxone have minimal support networks. I cannot stress how important this is and encourage anyone that feels alone to attend a local meeting. Remember we cannot do this alone. It doesn't matter what fellowship you go to - you will find support from people that will understand your pain and not judge you. The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel.

mw.stoner -

Congrats man! I am glad to hear you're feeling better after only 2 weeks. My pain has subsided a bit from the day before and now comes in waves. It is manageable though. I hope that this feeling doesn't drag on for weeks or months, but if it does I will get through it, one day at a time.

Talk to you soon ..


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:15 am 
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Congrats neilyoung, it gets better week by week, in time its easy to forget how hard the journey truly. Love your attitude about how the experience made you a stronger person. Keep up the good work and keep us updated.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:27 am 
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Thanks Ozzy619. I had a rough night, but am hanging in there. It was manageable all day - I then fell asleep at 11 and woke up at 1:30. The pain moved from the lower half of my body to my shoulders and back. It caught me off guard.

I know it is going to get better with time. Time is the master healer. I have been able to quit every other drug successfully and will be able to kick Suboxone as well. The reason I say this is to reinforce the idea in my head that relapse is not an option.

I'm starting to realize the effect that Suboxone had on me. I was on it for so many years that I began to forget that it did anything at all. I never felt euphoric off Suboxone, but I do think it a gave me a bit of a glow. It made me feel secure. It made me lethargic in the afternoons (3-6PM) between doses. It was a constant worry to make sure that I brought it with me. It made it difficult to understand my true feelings and work the steps of the program. It was not the quality of life that I so badly desired. However, it did help me stay clean.

I had another panic attack this evening. I started to have minor hallucinations while sitting outside which has happened to me in the past during withdrawal. I am not sure if this has something to do with my somewhat extensive use of LSD. I do not necessarily believe in LSD flashbacks - either way, it is a manifestation of the mind. I used to kick OC/heroin withdrawal by tripping on LSD for 4-5 days in a row. It worked for me, but I'd always get high again immediately after I got better.

I never had a serious problem with anxiety until I started using drugs to bring me down. The only time I ever have real panic attacks are during withdrawal. It is scary but I understand why I am having them. I haven't been 100% clean from drugs that take the edge off in years and am afraid of what the future holds. Change is my greatest source of fear. Day 6 is approaching and I am going to keep at it, hoping today is marginally better than yesterday ;)


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:38 pm 
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As a quick update, I only got ~2 hours of sleep last night and made it to work for part of the day. I had a meeting with a high value client that went well. I grabbed coffee in the AM and read my book on a bench in the park. After a second shower, I built up the energy to get dressed and head to the office. The diversion helped immensely and made me feel better after what turned out to be a rough night. My legs were shaking under the conference table from sitting so long, but nobody noticed.

On day 6, I am feeling better than I have yet. I do believe it will continue to get better. I'm staying strong and using everything in my arsenal to resist the urge to get high. The gorilla that I have been separated from for years is checking in on me at all hours of the day. I can't help but think about what one more will feel like. I ask myself - how can I justify this? What if I play the victim? Perhaps because I am now off Suboxone this means my clean date (according to NA) starts all over again so maybe using one more time just makes sense.

It was enjoyable to be around some of my colleagues and feel normal again. The kick of Suboxone has been a bit degrading and makes me feel like a junkie all over again. It is well worth it though. Interestingly, I've begun to notice a major uptick in my cognitive and analytical thinking. My mind is clearer and I am thinking better than I was. I am sure there will be more pleasant surprises as I continue day after day to live a drug free lifestyle. Life will throw its curveballs at you but I hope to never pick up an Rx again. If I can do it you can do it too.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:55 pm 
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I have been behind on reading threads lately, and just finally had a chance to read this from the beginning. Thanks for posting your experience...I'm sure it will give a lot of people hope!

I don't really believe in acid flashbacks either, but I do see 'visuals' from time to time. I think it's just because once you see those kinds of things from doing LSD even once, it is easier for you to see them from then on. It's not as crazy as when on LSD, or even scary...and very controllable. I think most people who speak of flashbacks have never done acid, and are just quoting what they read in some book.

I know what you mean by thinking that you can get high again since your "clean" time is starting over, according to NA or AA or whatever. But most addicts will agree that once is never enough, and leads to once more, which leads to a a few days or weeks or even months. It's easy to get back on that rollercoaster, but not worth it after all the time you've spent on subs. I consider my clean time to have started the first day I got on subs since I haven't been high since.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 5:42 pm 
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Thanks Taurus. I went to work for the entire day and am feeling better. It feels so good to finally be off Suboxone. My body still hurts, but it is certainly manageable. The body pain comes in waves I've noticed. I find it important to get up, move around, go for walks, etc. Any diversion possible is helpful.

I am not restarting my clean date either. I've talked this over quite a bit with my sponsor over the years. Recovery is personal and it's my call to make. But I do have two clean dates now which are both important to me.

Recovery has taught me that if we do the next right thing life works out however it is supposed. And it has been better than I could ever image. I'm now on day 7 of kicking Suboxone. For anyone that is about to begin this process, let me tell you that it is doable. It is what you make of it. There sure are physical pains, but as long as you are ready you will be fine. Keep telling yourself that you will get through this and that it will get better. That is my experience at least.

Hope everyone is doing well and I look forward to chatting more.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 8:31 am 
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Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds so much like mine, right down to the adhd. I have been noticing that a lot of addicts tend to have that in common. I was diagnosed when I was 13, and stopped taking my add meds when I was 20-right when I went into full-blown Oxy addiction. I just wonder if it's a coincidence or are add/adhd people more susceptible to drug use?

I have been clean for almost 7 years, 5 I spent on methadone, then switched to suboxone 2 years ago. I am now down to about 4-5mg a day and I am praying I can be off by the end of the summer. It's been a long time coming. Your story gives me hope and wish you all the best!


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 3:43 pm 
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Thanks motherofdragons. You've come a long way and are almost there!

I've been off Suboxone for over a week now and am feeling fine. My body still ache a bit and gets restless at night. I'm having trouble sleeping at night, but other than that am not noticing any hardcore withdrawal symptoms. My pupils are still quite large though, taking up my entire eye basically.

I wish you the best and please reach out with any questions. If I were you I'd try to taper down to at least 1mg or possibly less if you can. And even more importantly make sure you have a support network in place before making the leap. You've been on opiates, in some way, shape, form, for many years and it's going to be weird at first when you are off them once and for all. My story is the same in that respect.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 11:09 am 
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Dear Neil,

As I stated before, most people who are getting off bup write in and then we never hear from them again??
I just wanted to thank you for continuing to write in and letting us be a part of your recovery. It means so much to so
many of us. Keep up the good work and thanks again.
Slipper,

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 1:28 pm 
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It is my pleasure Slipper . I am happy to say that every experience I have had over the past few days is more meaningful than it was on Suboxone. I walk down the street and the world is brighter. Music sounds better. My conversations with others are more engaging. And I am more in touch with my true feelings. I was on Suboxone for over 3 years and think I got used to what I call the Suboxone glow.

The minimal withdrawal symptoms over the last few days have made it a lot easier to stay positive. My body still gets mini waves of pain and irritation, but it is nothing major and is completely mangeable. No depression or anxiety to report. Perhaps this will come at a later date, but I am doubtful. I think PAWS (like anything else in recovery) is very personal and specific to each and every person. It is ever so important to get out of house and move around. Otherwise, the restlessness gets worse. Sleeping is my only challenge now, average is ~4-5 hours per night, give or take.

I am going to be traveling a lot over the next 2 months (personal and work) so I am glad that I finally got this done. I'll keep posting so you all know how I am doing. It gets better every day ..


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:08 pm 
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Hope all is well with everyone - just wanted to drop a quick note that I've been off Suboxone for over 3 weeks now and am feeling 95%+. I still am weak at times, especially after moving around all day and have difficulty sleeping for more than 4-5 hours at a time. My mind is the clearest I can ever remember it being and I have never felt better.

I am here to help if anyone needs it and I'll continue to update this forum with how I am doing.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 4:02 am 
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I'm glad you're still doing well neilyoung. I wanted to share with you that I tapered off Suboxone almost 3 years ago (it will be 3 years this August) and I am still doing well. In fact, I can hardly even recall what Sub withdrawals felt like anymore.

As long as you keep working on your recovery (in whatever way works for you), keep taking care of yourself physically and mentally, things will keep getting better. Which is not to say that life is perfect - we all have ups and downs - but it can be very good, rewarding and sometimes full of a profound joy.

Thanks for sharing your story with us and best of everything to you.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 2:34 pm 
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It has been over a month since my last post so am jumping in to say that I am still off Suboxone. I'm not sure how many weeks it has been .. I do know that I am sleeping better and my legs only bother me on occasion. It is nothing though in comparison to the full blown withdrawal that I experienced after jumping off at 1mg. I often go through the day without even thinking about Suboxone or the fact that I was on it for so long. My life is brighter than it has ever been before and I've noticed an improvement in the quality of my life. It is surely something to look forward to. I have to get going so will be keeping this one short - please reach out via PM if I can help anyone in any way.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 7:09 pm 
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Hey I missed this thread the first time around, this us great. Congrats neilyoung! Keep coming back and updating this once a month, it show others it can be done. I am about to jump in a week. Im on .375 and going down to .25 for the last week. Your post gave me a great boost in hope and faith.

Thanks,

-glen


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 6:50 am 
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Yeah, Me and Glenbee musta been sleeping or something cuz I missed it too!!! I'm reallyglad to hear that you are still free from suboxone and that things are going great for you. It is so inspiring! Thank you for coming back and posting updates. It's like slipper said, people get off of suboxone successfully and then kinda disappear. This is a great thread for anyone who is ready to jump and wants to hear a great success story!

Congratulations to you and your family!!! They must be so proud of you! Keep up the good work.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 2:10 pm 
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Hi all,

Just checking in to let everyone know that I am still clean and off Suboxone. I'm approaching three months now based on the date I started this thread. All withdrawal symptoms have subsided as far as I can tell. I still have minor leg cramps from time to time though, especially when flying. I've been doing quite a bit of that lately for work and leisure.

My thought processes and surroundings are a lot clearer these days. Quality of life has improved significantly. The constant worry about whether or not I have my medicine on me when traveling for the day to a music festival or going on a business trip are no more. And most importantly - I wake up every day knowing that I got through the day before without taking a mood or mind altering substance. It is a wonderful feeling.

For those new to this process, time is the master healer and post-Suboxone gets progressively easier day by day. There are many days in which I don't even think about the fact that I was on Suboxone only a few months ago. Remember that our purpose in recovery (12-step or not) is to live a better way of life. I understand that the process of getting off Suboxone is harder for some than others, but I implore you to look at the long view - you are that much closer to living the life you were mean't to live.

I'll continue to check in on a regular basis and let everyone know how I am doing.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 02, 2012 9:21 pm 
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Thank you so much for continuing to keep us informed on your progress! It gives me strength and hope as I continue my taper. I didn't see this thread before now, so I'm glad you are checking in periodically. Even though I have a long way to go, I do feel good that I've gone from 16mg to 5mg. This could be the hardest part of my taper since I'm now close to the ceiling, but I'm not completely anticipating a bad time, because negative thinking can be self-fulfilling. I really feel in control of my taper and my life in general, which is such a positive change after feeling out of control for so long. You and people like you continue to be a source of inspiration to me. I want you to know that you're never wasting your time by updating here. It helps many of us.

Amy

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