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 Post subject: Hy Guys
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:06 pm 
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Im still here. Just struggling. Ive been really busy at work and it has me freaked. I have cut back on my xanax intake by 20% but i have been really panicky. Im going to school too trying to finish up and I just keep waking up going to work and going to school and trying to cut back. Its hard with all the stress sometimes I just get in bed at night by 930 and than get up at 630 the next morning and start over......but thats life i guess. its so just so hard after being on methadone for so long i dont feel normal until i have taken my sub in the morning. even after taking that almost a full month off i dont feel like my brain is turned on until i have taken even just a tiny bit of sub. I know its mental thing but......i think the methadone really got to me that was the dumbest thing i ever did and now I'm just hoping i cant get past it someday.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:04 pm 
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Scorp it can take a while to adjust to Sub from methadone for a lot of people. Give yourself a break. It really does sound like you're going through a period of depression - even clinical depression. People like us who end up addicts often become addicts for a reason, generally because we feel we have to medicate SOMETHING. In my case it was my out-of-whack moods. Maybe part of you can relate? I see you turning to Vicodin to ease the depression. The motivation sounds like self-medication, but that is no justification. In order to manage our addiction we (myself included) need to not use drugs no matter how bad we feel. I'd justify my using the moment I'd consider suicide as an option, I'd turn to heroin because it was a way to throw away my life and kill my feelings without it being a "final solution".

We addicts often feel emotions more than other people, and turn to drugs to "turn down the volume" or have some consistency and control over how we feel. But in order to stay clean we need to not use, no matter how intense or depressed or bad it gets. This is our only way to get recovery. I had a lapse recently, and it was hard because I was feeling so depressed, suicidal when I made the decision to use. I did it anyway, knowing I'd likely be throwing away my relationship, because at the time my opinion of myself was so low I didn't think I deserved her. My next recovery goal is to (a) manage my bipolar better and (b) even in a mood episode, do anything but use drugs.

Take on one thing at a time, and a path will form that you can follow. I'd focus on getting stable on Sub before you mess with your Xanax. And don't worry too much about what your fiance / ex-fiance will think. If you get yourself into a stable place where you're happy with your life, and she can see that. Also get your fucking depression under-wraps, even if it needs medication. If you can get to a happy place in your life, she will see what she's missing out on.


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 Post subject: Teejay
PostPosted: Wed Feb 13, 2013 10:15 am 
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hey man, I identify so much with what you say and tell me. I feel exactly what you are saying. your words ring so true in mind. I have been self medicating and self diagnosed myself long ago. I feel good at work but i also feel so panicky and people camn sense my feelings i used to be so happy all the time....now im just hanging on ya know....thats life


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