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 Post subject: Feeling stuck
PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 2:48 pm 
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Hello Everyone,

I am having really rough time lately. I don't talk about it at all and am just holding it all in, which I know is very unhealthy. I am a somewhat active member of NA, but really feel like I am not connecting as well as I would like. I don't really know why, I am starting to think my addiction is not letting me because it dosen't want me to feel better. Maybe it's because of the suboxone and I feel like I don't really belong? All I know is that I haven't relapsed yet, but I feel like i'm already there.

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't want to use and the thoughts of it makes my stomach turn, but I want to feel good! I am so sick of walking around like things are great when inside I am a mess. I have been thinking of trying different drugs, instead of pills, trying to convince myself that I won't let it get out of controll. Which as many of you know would most likely be impossiable. I just wish I didn't have to feel the way I do! I feel like a failure to myself, my children, my family, my job, and everyone around me.

I have been on suboxone for almost 6 months {with a very short relapse once} and nothing has changed for me. I want more than nothing else in life to be able to start over and I don't even know where to begin. I have caused such reck of my life as well as my children I don't know how to ever get out of it. Untill I can do this I am going to just be stuck, here in the hell I made for us.

I'm not even sure why I am writing this, I guess I am hoping that by saying it out loud I will be somehow getting it off my chest. Anyway I wish you all a great day, thanks for letting me vent...


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 Post subject: don't give in or up!
PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 4:15 pm 
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I know how you feel my friend. I mean really, it's a gloomy, rainy Sunday here. Money is tight. Tired of TV. Yes, I will say it. I wan to feel High. I want to feel happy. Subs keep me sane but not happy. I don't intend to give in. i refuse to go back to the chasing the pills things and "Oh no, I'm gonna be sick,I only have so many pills" I don't want that. Is that what you want? :cry: Remember that horrible feeling? You don't need that. Take your children to a movie. Watch t.v. with them and check out thier beautiful faces when they laugh. Don't do anything to make them unhappy. They love you. Go to the meetings. Keep trying. I know, I get that empty feeling inside like I wanna cry. But, I'm not going back. I'm not! Do you want to go back to that hell or would you rather stay here writing to us, letting it out and getting better on Subs. At least you're not sick. write to us. Let out whatever feelings you need to. It helps. Give your children reasons to smile & laugh with you. Not cry or look sad. Make them your high. My oldest daughter lives upstairs from me (2 fam house) she is a lic. massage therapist(I am so proud) . Later she is coming down to give me a massage and facial. At first she couldn't understand my pill addiction. Hell, I couldn't either. Now she is more understanding, supports me more and we we even talk about subs. She has been upset when she has had to go get me in the ER to bring me home. Feeling angry that I overdid with pills or subs and ended up sick. But in a while her love for me comes through and she is affectionate and understanding again. That means the world to me. So, you see, Hancal 106, there is something left out there to live for. And trying OTHER drugs???Are you crazy? That would really lose you in an abyss of things you wouldn't want to even imagine. Believe me mama, I know that feeling. I know that deep feeling in the pit of the stomach that cries out"I wanna be high.!!! Don't give in. It's a rick to suffer more later. Cause it's always more & more. You never finih baby. I understand. Write to me. write mto me now. Wanna chat? E-mail me, what time. Now O.K. I' here for you. ANYTIME! I MEAN IT. Love & hope, Queenie (hey, I love you)


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:27 pm 
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I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so lousy. Forgive me for not remembering, but do you go to therapy? I know your situation at home sucks, being around your parents who still take pills. I would really recommend a good therapist. Suboxone alone just can't do it all. We need to look deep into ourselves and learn to deal with life's everyday stresses without wanting to get high. Therapy can help with that. You're still new to sobriety - 6 months just isn't very long. It almost sounds like you're describing the phenomenon of being a "dry drunk". I really do believe that counseling can help you. If you don't have insurance to cover it, call your Community Mental Health Agency and they should be able to help you find places that use sliding scales.

Good luck, my friend, and hang in there. It's impressive that you turned to us - your support system - with this. Keep doing that. And keep us posted.

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 Post subject: Hi Hatmaker
PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:50 pm 
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I really admire you. You always know just what to say and how. It shows that you have been around a long time and you know the ropes. It would be great if we all had our own personal Hatmaker. Hancal is really going through a rough time but I pray she finds strength and overcomes this. Your words to her were right on the spot. I like to read your answers to other forum members. I apply them to myself and it really helps. Hope you will always be around. We need you. God's blessings upon you ansd may you continue helping us with your strength and wisdom. Thank you so much. You have a caring heart and we need you. Love & Hope Queenie


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 6:24 am 
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Gee, thanks for the oh-so-kind words, queenie. That was very sweet of you. Hancal, how are you doing today?

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 11:12 am 
Hey hancal! I hope you're having a better day today. Queenie and Hatmaker have given you wonderful advice and encouragement. I just wanted to tell you that I feel the same way you do a lot of the time. I think it's just part of the process. It takes longer for some than others to get through some of this. I know when I first started Suboxone, I felt like everything was so bright and hopeful. Then the new sort of wears off, and we're left to sort through the baggage of our active addiction. Again, this is something that is going to vary a lot from one person to the next, depending on what your addiction cost you....how much wreckage was left in its wake. Some of the damage simply can't be repaired....you can't go back and get the job you lost (not usually anyway), you can't erase the memories your loved ones carry of you being a mess, you can't get all the money back you wasted on drugs, etc.
I think this is where the saying "Accept the things you cannot change" comes in. Easier said than done, I know. But we have to try. We have to forgive ourselves, otherwise progress will continue to come very slowly. AND, that desire to feel 'good' or get high will be all the more pervasive because we feel so 'bad' all the time for what we've done. I think the biggest favor we can probably do for ourselves and our loved ones is to work on letting all that go, so that we will have a chance to feel happy again. Plus, give ourselves credit for the progress we have made. We are better, at least, right?! We're not using anymore. I'm thinking that if we can do that, we can begin to move forward and start setting some real goals for ourselves. Even though we've made a mess of things, there are still plenty of things we can do going forward. Sometimes it helps to make a 'gratitude list' which I'm sure you've heard about in NA. I was surprised at how long my list really was. Things just as simple as having a roof over your head, food to eat and feed your kids, a car to drive, whatever. These are all things that plenty of people do not have. Yet we might take them for granted when we're in that mode of 'I'm such a screw-up, I've ruined everything.'
I'm glad you shared your feelings with us and I want you to know that you're not alone. You/we can get beyond this. We can rebuild our lives. And we can find happiness without using drugs to make us feel better.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 8:00 pm 
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Hello everyone,

Thanks for the advice yesterday :) I really needed to here it! I feel a little better today. Although I pulled some kind of muscle in my back and it's killing me. I am taking ibprofin and rubbing muscle cream on it is barely helping. I can't wait to go to sleep I pray it will be better tommarrow!

I took 8mgs instead of 6mgs today hoping the extra 2mgs would help the pain a little. Mentally I still feel a mess, but working all day keeps my mind off it. Hatmaker asked if I was in therapy. I did go a few times but she could only see me during the day and I can't do it during the day I work 8 1/2 hours Monday-Friday. I do need to see if I can find somewhere else who can do late afternoons or evenings.

Anyway just thought I would give a quick update I will talk to you all in chat tonight! Thanks again you all made me feel alot better yesterday :)


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 5:16 am 
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I know what you mean. Sub isn't even making me feel content. Little things that made me feel happy, I'm like, eh. shrug. I'm scared this crap has ruined my reward center in my brain or something...I hate to say it but I want to use. Just to feel some contentment happiness...something. Even going to therapy I feel like this.. =(


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 6:39 am 
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Hopeful -

Please keep in mind that sub is not supposed to make someone feel happy or content. It is only to address opiate addiction or pain. Some people find it might help their depression, but that's not what it's necessarily for. If you are unhappy and are also going to therapy, well, sometimes that can make a person feel worse before it gets better. I just don't want to see people blaming things on sub that it's simply not responsible for. After giving up full agonist opiates, sometimes we don't know what to do with feelings we've been numbing and that's when depression sinks in. Just my opinion.

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 6:42 am 
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If opiates or in my case opioids did'nt have tolerence issues we would most likely NOT be here. With that said, our leader Dr. J mentions all over the place that some people will never be able to get totally off Suboxone because the brain does re-wire itself, AFTER A YEAR I DO BELIEVE THIS, At 1mg I do believe this, I do believe this... Hopeful, congradulations your growing up !!!! Suboxone was made to stop withdrawels, you must be patient, different things will make you a little happy, no BIG happy like on opiates, stay in the middle, no BIG happy, no BIG sad ( last 10 words are huge, I could charge you for them ) Good Luck, Mike


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 8:29 am 
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My dear friend, you are going through what I now see is the way Suboxone works. It is a wonderful drug because to not get sick is a heck of a good way for me to start the day. However, there are always howevers in life.

However, I am finding that subs has it's problems. Yes, the depression. Got it. Cravings. Sometimes but less and less. Some members say they sleep too much. Me? Can't sleep. Adjust dosage. See the therapist, etc.... All that and you don't even get a high. Not fair, right?

Now, let's think of it this way. Smoking cigarettes relaxes you,gives you something to do with your hands but can give you cancer and cost a fortune. Alcohol will make you forget your troubles for a while. Will make you want to party & dance, socialize. Then you get hangovers and worst Pancreatitis or death. Subs are not going to result in a fatal disease, in fact they are treating a disease. Remember, if you have diabetes they give you insulin. You have cancer? Perhaps chemotherapy. Addiction? Suboxone. Which another member here taught me is a way of saying "I am not ashamed. I have an illness".

Try to think of it that way. You have to work with the Suboxone. Discomfort. yes New feelings, yes. Isn't it worth it to be free of this opiate/opiod hell that came into our life?

As for me, I am going to do battle. I am going to break free of this addiction prison. I know you want to be high, we all do. But, the price to pay? Never mind. I would rather fight this war than worry about where I am going to get pills from as I am in the middle of shaking and the runs.

Don't give in.

Love & hope, Queenie


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 12:13 pm 
hancal, All I can say is that I truly DO know how you feel, and there have been times I could have written that post myself. So I hope you can take some comfort from knowing that there are people out here who understand and have been there. As far as feeling guilty about the life you're giving you're kids - you're giving them the best gift a mother can give right now - yourself. Even if you live in a crummy place and have no money, you can still sit down with them and watch their tv show with them, laugh at the jokes THEY think are funny, read them a book, play a game with them....I know it sounds trite but the things they'll remember the most are the things that really don't cost anything. And it get's you out of yourself for a while. I feel like I was practically neglectful to my kids when I was using. I was here physically, but my mind was a million miles away. I'm trying to make up for that now, cuz now is all I've got left.

hopeful_sobriety - I don't know how long you've been on Sub, but I went through a period, probably about 6 months in, when I felt totally apathetic. The drama of addiction was over and the honeymoon of getting clean ended. I felt totally blah and was afraid that Sub was making me that way. Now I've sort of gotten past that phase, I started exercizing, got a new job, set other goals. I know you probably don't feel like doing any of those things right now, but I guess the point is - keep moving forward. Sub doesn't make us permanetly "blah" I really think it's more the damage we've done to and the healing process our brains have to go through. If you're really down, sad, have no motivation and ourselves therapy isn't helping, you might have to consider that it's clinical depression. I had to start taking an antidepressant, and I know I'm in good company here on this forum. Hope you feel better soon - if you don't get more help.

queenie - I like the way you look at things! This quote is definately a keeper:
" Subs are not going to result in a fatal disease, in fact they are treating a disease. Remember, if you have diabetes they give you insulin. You have cancer? Perhaps chemotherapy. Addiction? Suboxone. Which another member here taught me is a way of saying "I am not ashamed. I have an illness".


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 12:05 am 
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Hello Everyone,

I guess seeing this post has popped up again, I forgot I even wrote it actually, I will give a sad but true update. This post was written on September 7th and to know big surprise after re-reading it, I relapsed yet again :cry: On October 4th my 7 year old son broke his arm really bad spent 2 days in the hospital and after surgery he was in lots of pain. He was sent home with tylenol w/ codine but never needed it, so I started drinking it at night and called the dr. back and told them that the vicoden worked better so they called him in a script of those. Well I took all those the same day, i mean i couldn't let them go to waste. After that I was off and running I went through over 500.00 dollars in 3 days and after the 6th day into my relapse I was broke, spent all my christmas money I had been saving, felt like shit and lost all my clean time yet again.

Let me tell everyone who is ever thinking about a relapse it's not worth it!!!!!!! :!: :!: Honestly every time I sniffed or took a pill the whole time I remember thinking how the fuck am I even here again:?: :?:

So since then I made another appointment with a therapist for this friday and am hoping I stick with it this time. I seem to be in this awfull pattern were I just get stuck in my own shit and can't get out. I feel like shit about all of it but I can't change it I can only try to learn from it. I know kinda where things went wrong and I am working on changing them.

The biggest thing I need to realize is "I am not alright" I walk around with a smile and from the outsider I look normal. When in reality i'm a fucken mess inside. Anyway I have been back on subs for a week now and feeling better each day. I am still doing the NA thing and this time I am being more open and reaching out for help. I will have a sponser by the end of the week{it is my main goal this week}. Which is something I never did before, but I need to believe it will help me through this journey. I will be going to therapy this friday and I am going to tell my sub Dr. what happened.

I hope by sharing this someone will learn from my mistake and maybe next time, if there is a next time I will reread this and remember its not worth it. :)

I hope everyone has a terrific day today :D Thanks for listening :D


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