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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 11:31 am 
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Here I am at 43 years old, counting down the days until I have about 10 days off from work to get off this shit I hate so much. The tapering is so hard and Im tired of being a grumpy, TIRED, unmotivated, angry person and most of all mother. Thoughts of escaping this misery consumes me (not my life but addiction) I flipped on my son the other day for something so menial, he cried. He's 14. I have a very short fuse. I feel better, more "normal" on Xanax (Dr prescribed for a year but the lower I went on Sub, the higher I went on X) but I know its not good so I don't have any and stopped taking it suddenly maybe 2 months ago. I crave it every day.

In a nutshell, I've been somewhat productive on Sub, last year after 25 years of doing hair, and wanting a career in the medical field all my life-I became a CNA. My dream is an RN but its not financially doable. I have an opportunity to work in a hospital in the med surgical unit. My dream. I currently work in a nursing home and I hate it. I bust my ass all night and get abused to boot, its a thankless, dirty job for less than 15.00 an hour. It's mentally draining as well. I work because we are in a lot of debt and to ease the burden on my husband also. I make enough to food shop twice per pay and pay my car payment. If I could quit, I would.Now my husband had to take on a truck payment and with that, I HAVE to work. You all know the story but my mind incessantly flips between money worries and addiction worries and who the hell am I?

I want to find myself and feel. I used to exercise, have motivation, look forward to things. Now I'm dead inside, I cry a lot, my hairs falling out in ropes and working the hours I do (3-11) I feel so detached from my family. I cant work 7-3 and leave kids alone to get the bus. I'm stuck. Right now the tears are rolling down my face and I've never felt so desperate in my life. My mom died last year suddenly at 59 from pancreatic cancer, it was so traumatizing to care for her and watch her die, I haven't truly grieved. I deaden myself with Sub. My dad is 1.5 hrs away so there's not much help in the way of hiding this shit from my kids. I told my son when he was around 11 what I was going through (hes VERY mature) but I don't know if he forgot or what. Probably not but I dont know wether to revisit the whole thing or let it alone. They know I take Sub (I think) although after watching a show with my daughter and seeing the person on the same thing for heroin, I hide it because she said "Mom, Isn't that what you take?" I denied it. What a shithead of a mother I am.

My husband is tolerable, understanding and supportive but I feel like I'm dragging him through the mud. He's stressed as well and we just go day to day and talk on the phone when Im on break or on my night off. He now does dinner, homework with kids, sports etc...I am out of the picture.

I do have a friend of about 7 yrs who consequently we were living parallel lives (taking oxy) and not finding out each others secret until the last year or so of using. Maybe less. I got on Sub 3, maybe 4 years ago, My memory is nill. Its affected my health negatively and my mind. Anyway, I helped her out and took her one day to my Dr. She started as well on Sub at 16mg like me but stopped about 7-8 months ago. She is a mom of 1 8th grade girl, she's divorced so her ex takes the kid a lot. She has most weekends alone, she works from home and lived with a partner. I am so envious of her. It wasn't easy, don't get me wrong and we kept in touch the whole time. She is a recovering alcoholic and after stopping sub she turned back to alcohol for a short time and had black outs etc, had a relapse on oxy as her partner is an addict also but she learned from it all...Now shes good. She has a new partner whom she met in AA like the last, got rid of her after an 8 year relationship because she had relapsed on alcohol and pills (her partner) and she couldn't be around that, she goes to meetings alot etc...we text here and there but she's always there for me. I want to be where she is now.

My one desire is to be able to go to a recovery center for help, to be able to leave home and go through it and come out the other side but moms out there get me. I have to work, keep a house up, food etc...menial things seem like a mountain, I sit on my ass a lot until I have to go to work and I'm not even off this poison yet. Its hard for me to not reach for that little extra for energy. I never exceed 6 but been sticking with 4 on most days.I hope to jump from 2 but do I feel like shit the next 3 weeks or feel OK then get sick? I'm so lost. No matter what I am going to suffer through it and believe it or not...I CANT WAIT. I want to suffer. I deserve it. I laid awake all night last night thinking of how I will feel when I'm done. To not get up with the same routine...coffee, Sub, wait to somewhat come to life. I'm so across the board with maintaining a consistent dose, its pathetic. My only night off I'm torn between kids and husband and if I don't take a little extra, I'm passed out sleeping. I want to be awake, alive and have some vitality. Right now I'm at the bottom. If you're still with me, thanks for reading my rant. I try to verbalize this with my husband but its hard. Its hard to form clear sentences and make sense anymore. I just want to be done :!:

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 2:54 pm 
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MelCNA,

Stop beating yourself up so much. What is the worse side effect you get from taking Suboxone? IMO, get down to a low dose like maybe 1-2 mg's and see if you feel better. You are worrying about things that are out of your control right now. Focus on the positive things that have happened ever since you made the change over to Suboxone. Forget about the other people who had a different experience with stopping Sub.

Maybe start looking for another job, at least to get your mind off how you've feeling. I hope your rant made you feel better. I did read the whole thing all the way to the end.

Be grateful for all the friends you've made here who will support you until you either get off Sub or stay on it. We don't care which path you take as long as you stay off the bad meds.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 3:52 pm 
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Ditto to what rule 62 said Melissa. I'd definitely try to see how you feel on a lower dose, perhaps the negative effects you're feeling will subside, if they do, that's great! There's nothing wrong with treating your illness with medication. How awesome that after 25 years as a beautician, you changed careers and got into the field you always dreamed of! That took courage. Way to go girl! I hate to see you putting so much pressure on yourself.

Two things in your post really stuck out to me 1. You said "what a shithead of a mother I am." Not not not true. You chose to get treatment for your addiction, that was the best move you could've made for yourself and your family. I was a mom in active addiction once, and I went through the motions of being a non ñ but now that I'm on sub, and nit trying to score and spending all my money on drugs, I can now afford to pay the bills and give my kids shine nice things. I'm sure you're a better mom now than when you were using, right? You're able to help your husband with the bills and I know how hard a job you've got. I also worked as a CNA. Thankless as it is, you make a difference in your patient's lives, not just anyone can say that their job is that meaningful and important. For some of your residents, you're probably the only person they really see while you're there. It's very sad, and just your presence enriches their lives. Know that. So you've made strides on sub. Take it easy on yourself.
2. You said "I deserve to suffer"
NO you don't Melissa. You're an addict like the rest of us. We have a disease, and no one deserves to be sick and suffer. Please know that you don't deserve any suffering, and that you aren't alone.
We're here for you.

Elizabeth
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 11:07 pm 
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Without overstepping my boundaries, I'd like to put it out there that I think you are worrying far too much about getting OFF sub. What works for one does not work for all. Your friend got off sub, great, but do you really want to go through the rollercoaster that she did to get to the other side that much faster?! You mention that she had two relapses after discontinuing sub. Can you afford to relapse???

For me, personally, I'm in no rush. Sub is giving me a life that I would only dream of while using. I'm an addict - mostly pills as well - never shot up - doesn't mean that I "shouldn't be on sub as long" as an IV heroin user or any other nonsense. I should do what works for me. You should do what works for you. In a perfect world there should be no judgment, but in YOUR world, why allow it in? It's your world that you live in, remember that. We see things as WE are. So, if you want to believe you are doing the best you can... if this is giving it your all... why push it further?

In my opinion, we should all give ourselves the freedom to do what is in our own best interests. For you, that may also mean your family's best interests, or your children's best interests. But when I do what is in my best interests, to best serve those around me as well, I do not put myself at risk.

I think hurrying this process called recovery is putting oneself at risk. I think jumping at 2 mg (let alone above!) is putting oneself at risk. Sometimes slow and steady wins the race, and I think opiate replacement is one if those instances. Taper down long and slow. Get to those last crumbs of sub or that last mg of methadone. Skip days. Then, it is not a jump. It is merely a step. When you are at .25 every third day and you start forgetting to take it entirely, I think you're there. If it is still causing you stress, then in my opinion, it needs to be taken slower.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 11:59 pm 
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Let me add one more thing. Suboxone tends to make me sleepy unless I keep busy. That, and vitamin B12 really helps with feeling normal on it.

Take FC's advice and stay on it for awhile. It is the relapse that may end up killing you.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2014 7:37 am 
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MelissaCNA wrote:
Here I am at 43 years old, counting down the days until I have about 10 days off from work to get off this shit I hate so much. The tapering is so hard and Im tired of being a grumpy, TIRED, unmotivated, angry person and most of all mother. .... feel better, more "normal" on Xanax (

... I've been somewhat productive on Sub, last year after 25 years of doing hair, and wanting a career in the medical field all my life-I became a CNA. My dream is an RN but its not financially doable...... I currently work in a nursing home and I hate it......, I HAVE to work. You all know the story but my mind incessantly flips between money worries and addiction worries and who the hell am I?

I want to find myself and feel. I used to exercise, have motivation, look forward to things. Now I'm dead inside, I cry a lot, my hairs falling out in ropes and working the hours I do (3-11) I feel so detached from my family. I cant work 7-3 and leave kids alone to get the bus. I'm stuck. ..... I haven't truly grieved. I deaden myself with Sub. My dad is 1.5 hrs away so there's not much help in the way of hiding this shit from my kids...... What a shithead of a mother I am....

My one desire is to be able to go to a recovery center for help, to be able to leave home and go through it and come out the other side but moms out there get me. I have to work, keep a house up, food etc...menial things seem like a mountain, I sit on my ass a lot until I have to go to work and I'm not even off this poison yet. Its hard for me to not reach for that little extra for energy. I never exceed 6 but been sticking with 4 on most days.I hope to jump from 2 but do I feel like shit the next 3 weeks or feel OK then get sick? I'm so lost. No matter what I am going to suffer through it and believe it or not...I CANT WAIT. I want to suffer. I deserve it. I laid awake all night last night thinking of how I will feel when I'm done...... I just want to be done :!:


Hey there Melissa,
I hope you have gotten some rest and things seem a little brighter today.
You are definitely not alone, as you can tell from the kind replies you have already received. I just want to add my support, and also let you know that I can totally relate to much of what you said. Much of it describes exactly how I felt when I joined this forum in the spring. That was when I dropped from 2mgs to 1 mg. I had been s-l-o-w-l-y tapering for about 6 months on my own, and had zero support- no one in my life knew what I was going through. I also felt lost and alone- and very scared!

I am a working mom also (48 years old- 2 kids), and that word "stuck" sums up exactly how I felt for many years. I tried to quit and failed many times, then "one day" just decided since it seemed like I may be "stuck" for life, why not just start tapering a tiny bit, very slowly, and then just 'logically" I knew that "someday" I would be at "zero", KWIM? I also wished, hoped and prayed that I could just go check myself into a rehab and come out clean...but it was just not an option for me, and guess what, I didn't need it after all

It also sounds to me like you might just be moving too quickly. After all, you have certainly come a long way on the subs- don't hate yourself! Focus on your accomplishments! And I second what Lizzie said about the importance of your job - I'll bet you can be a real "light" to others in your job if you choose to be. I know it is hard when you feel like you are in the dark yourself. When I felt really stuck I also hated going to work...but then I "accepted" my situation and just started making the best out of it, and things just started falling into place. Now I love my job again.

You don't sound like a bad mom to me either...you are there for your kids and trying to do what is best for all of you. Please stop beating yourself up- that doesn't help anyone, right? IMO we should not share 'everything" with our kids- we should protect them and just let them be "kids" for as long as possible. They can know you are a little sick or struggling a bit, but they don't need to know all the details.

Somethings that may help your mood and the entire process is to get yourself into some kind of regular exercise routine now (start light- don't expect too much from yourself to begin with, but be consistent), make sure you are eating right, drinking lots of water, listen to happy music, take vitamins...basically get your mind and body into the best shape you can while you are tapering and try to keep it up during your jump.
Like I said, I did not have to go to rehab and I really thought in my situation that was the only solution, but I'm now nearly 3 months off subs, so it CAN be done! A 2mgs jump does sound kind of high to me though, but do what you need to do- only you can make that call. If you are not being "forced" off the subs, if it were me, I would just continue tapering...maybe use those 10 days off work to get stable a little lower (1.5mg maybe?), start working out, maybe get a massage, get your nails done, rest and REWARD yourself for your progress!!
:D Keep posting!
BF

PS. I also really liked taking Xanax! I realize now though that it was bringing me down- and luckily I did not have "too" bad a time with Xanax wdls, but have read that it can be super duper hard to come off, so please be careful! Now that you've been off them, I'd stay off if you can...as you know, exercise can also give you that "relaxed, good" feeling, right?

PSS. Yes, there is no way around the grieving process, and as I tapered lower all those uncomfortable "feelings" I had been subduing with the subs started surfacing, sometimes pretty strongly, and that is normal...but it sounds like you have so much on your plate right now, i wouldn't try to "deal" with it all right now. Again, if you slow down your taper, it will give you more time with the entire process, including the grieving. When I was getting really low, like under 1mg and then right after my jump, I just kinda "shelved" those sad feelings as much as I could until I was through the worst of the wdls and stronger both physically and mentally....I'm still "dealing" with shit, but am in a much stronger position now to handle it and also keep up the demands of being a working mom than I would have been trying to work through the grief AND taper low or jump.....easy does it, k?

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