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PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2014 11:05 pm 
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-Weened off Sub 3 months ago
Things have been very difficult lately with Everything in my life. I feel Good, but Everything around me is dragging me down, and I'm fighting soo so hard to stay on track. I feel like I'll probably die if I relapse, but I'm not seeing clearly. I don't know what this is, if its paws, or if I'm just having a difficult time with life.

I have more money than I've had in probably ten years . I feel like my success lately could be a recipe for danger with me. I'm alone too. I keep having terribly hurtful flashbacks. These extreme realizations of what I've put my mother through, and what I left behind in my wake. Not just that, but what I've left behind before I used. My friends that I Consider Real friends all gave up on me, and I never knew it until now. It's Very intense to hhave this in my head . As im typing, I'm having very bad cravings, almost like my mind is getting excited about getting some pills, but I wont let myself get excited, and I continue to fight it. I've never used in this state of mind before, so I have a bad feeling about this. I hope everyone is doing good, and im sorry for the depressing and sporadic post

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PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2014 11:27 pm 
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Yup, once that pink cloud period (the excitement of getting off a drug and feeling free again) wears off, reality sets in and for us addicts, who did most everything in our power to avoid reality, that new reality we're in is a bitch to deal with!!

Remember Bud, you spent years and years numbing yourself. Now you're left to deal with a shit load of reality with no drugs to numb you out. It's hard, ain't it?

Here's the good news. Those feelings and emotions you're feeling, none of them are going to kill you. Yes, they're uncomfortable as hell, but they really have no power to hurt you. Early on in my recovery, with the help of folks on this site, I learned to "sit through" those emotions and by doing that, you gain power over them.

If you do decide to pick up a drug and use, you're only hiding from reality. Haven't you done that enough already?

I'll tell you this, though.....the fact that you came on here and posted what you did speaks volumes to me. It tells me that you're hurting bad, but you're also willing to surrender and seek help. That's a massive fucking step, brother.

Getting off drugs is one thing, hope. Learning how to live without drugs is another animal and there are several here who will do their darndest to help you. Stick around, share and maybe most important of all.....help others. You may be shocked at how much better you feel helping others.

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PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2014 11:36 pm 
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I forgot to mention something one of my friends here taught me early on. Your brain kinda has two sides, an emotional side and a logic side. Right now, you're completely stuck in the emotional zone. You're making emotional decisions....or about to. Writing your thoughts out, as you just did, that helps shift those thoughts out of the emotional zone into the logic zone and that gives the emotions a chance to calm down and the logic brain then helps put things in order.

It may sound hokey, but writing crap out will usually help you to feel better for the aforementioned reasons.....so post away, man!!

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PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 11:32 am 
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Hey Hope, man, hang in there. I cant really say much to what you are going though. I hav t gotten there yet.
Romes is bead on right. The best thing you can do for you is to do for some else
You have experiences people can learn from..
razor...


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PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 12:06 pm 
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Hey Hope! Once you acknowledge how uncomfortable you're feeling you can do something about it. Romeo gave you great advice!

Write it down, or find a therapist to talk to, or even have a conversation with yourself like this:

I feel so shitty and low and I can't take back the damage I've done!

That's true, but there are some things you CAN do!

Like what?

You can sit down and write a letter/email to those friends you've burned and try to make amends. Even if they don't respond, you will know that you did everything you could to apologize and make things better. You can start volunteering at an animal shelter or Habitat for Humanity to make the world a little better. You can have a conversation with your mom (even if she's gone) and tell her what you're sorry for. Any of these things has the power to distract from your cravings."

There is another trick that I learned from a friend. If you find yourself fantasizing about how great it would be to get high, play it through until its logical end. First you would get high, and then you would have to do it every day, and then you would spend all of your money and be broke, your job performance would suffer, anyone who had regained a little bit of trust in you would wash their hands of you for good. The conclusion of that one desire to get high means that you end up destitute, lonely, and possibly imprisoned. Think this through every time you think of getting high and it will start to look less and less appealing.

(And I want you to know that even if it seems that no one has regained any trust in you, you are wrong. You have people that want to believe in you again and are slowly coming around, but they are afraid to let you know. Don't let them down!)

If you don't like the idea of 12 step meetings, find a SMART recovery group, even if it's online. Delve into their materials any time you feel an urge. That will engage the logical side of your brain like Romeo was talking about. Plus SMART recovery provides tips on how to deal with cravings and other addict problems.

Finally, consider going on an antidepressant for a time. It could help you get over the hump until you're feeling stronger. Yes, you may become dependent on it, but the withdrawal can't be any worse than with opiates.

These feelings you are having are why so many people relapse after going off sub. Don't become a statistic! You have support here! Use it!

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 1:10 pm 
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Hang in there, what you're experiencing will pass. Any support is a berry good idea, whether friends, family, or groups like SMART or 12 Step. And of course forums like this one can help too! Lots of words of wisdom above my post.

I've heard it said that it is "harder to get clean than it is to stay clean", and its the truth. I had 9 years clean at one time, and due to a chain of events, I'm withdrawing from sub, and its hellish at times. You don't need to go through withdrawal again. And once you're off to the races, who knows if you even will stop before the addiction reaches its bitter conclusion.

It may be cliche, but "this too shall pass". Stick to your guns.


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PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 5:20 pm 
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Hey there; Hope you are still hanging in there. I myself can't wait to be totally off subs. what you have is precious; it is scary being on the other side about to take the "jump"
Anyway, what you said about your mother really affected me. I am a mother myself, and if my child were feeling badly about their past choices, and considering doing something harmful to themselves like breaking their hard earned sobriety, this is what I would say. God and I love you unconditionally, and neither of us are keeping track of your past mistakes. The best thing you can do for your mother is take care of yourself. Lean in to love, and keep moving forward!!
Hugs
rca


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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2014 9:15 am 
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rca1004 wrote:
Hey there; Hope you are still hanging in there. I myself can't wait to be totally off subs. what you have is precious; it is scary being on the other side about to take the "jump"
Anyway, what you said about your mother really affected me. I am a mother myself, and if my child were feeling badly about their past choices, and considering doing something harmful to themselves like breaking their hard earned sobriety, this is what I would say. God and I love you unconditionally, and neither of us are keeping track of your past mistakes. The best thing you can do for your mother is take care of yourself. Lean in to love, and keep moving forward!!
Hugs
rca


Very nice, heartfelt comment.
Dedicated to all and you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3YEYLt0UDc


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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2014 5:53 pm 
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Hope, I want to remind you that even if you've stumbled, you can pick yourself back up! If the worst has happened make sure you get help and turn it around. We're all here for you!

Amy

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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2014 1:50 pm 
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3 months! I envy you! I understand what you're going through, I've been there a bunch of times as I'm sure a LOT of us have. Try not to forget what you went through to get to this point, remind yourself that you are doing great. The reality is that you ARE doing great!! Your brain is trying to fool you ... I don't know many addicts that keep many of the same friends after getting clean. You're a completely different person.

You may think you're weak right now but you're not. Your brain and the addiction is trying to take over, it's not easy! My life sucked coming off benzos, but I had to keep reminding myself how much pain I had already gone through, how much I want to achieve my goals without years of more setbacks ... It's such a looong process but if you use now you could waste more YEARS of your life! Please don't let it take over now! You're doing awesome!!!


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PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2014 10:15 pm 
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Thanks everyone for the amazing advice

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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2014 3:09 pm 
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Hey hope. How you feeling today?


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PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2014 12:20 am 
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I really hope you're feeling better today.

I, too, am a mother, like the previous poster. And I wholeheartedly agree with what she said. Loving our children is not a choice. I've never loved a thing harder than I do my kids. Forgiveness is a given. I am bound to be disappointed at times, as I'm sure your mom was and my mom was but thee most important thing to your mother NOW is your maintaining your sobriety. I promise you that she does not want you to feel guilt or shame - she wants you happy and healthy. Please work on forgiving yourself and tell those cravings to go fuck themselves.

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PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2014 8:57 am 
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Hey hOpe,
I like you am past the 3 month mark. Those thoughts of using must be normal. I find they happen when I'm down in the dumps. It's hard but you have to get it out of your head. Look at how far you have come. There a a lot of friends here that can help.
I know you are strong willed. You have proven that it the past. You helped get me to where I am today. If you need to talk to a friend, I'm here. PM me brother, a good chat can help.

Stay strong, Gary


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PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2014 10:13 pm 
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Thanks. Things are better lately. It seems like when things are good at work, my stress is pretty low. The flashbacjs i get are the most difficult part of my sobriety. I will take all of the advice and stay positive.

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PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2014 11:18 pm 
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h0pe wrote:
Thanks. Things are better lately. It seems like when things are good at work, my stress is pretty low. The flashbacjs i get are the most difficult part of my sobriety. I will take all of the advice and stay positive.


Most of my flashbacks - of using - are enough to scare me off it.

Usually, euphoric recall can be wiped out by following this tidbit of advice that Amy posted:

Quote:
There is another trick that I learned from a friend. If you find yourself fantasizing about how great it would be to get high, play it through until its logical end



Of course you didn't specify what type of flashbacks you are/were experiencing. The pain of emotional trauma, regrets, and so on, is often interestingly interlinked, experience-wise, to physical pain. No wonder opiate analgesics appeal to some people, often the more sensitive types.


Quote:
"We found that powerfully inducing feelings of social rejection activate regions of the brain that are involved in physical pain sensation, which are rarely activated in neuroimaging studies of emotion," Kross said. "These findings are consistent with the idea that the experience of social rejection, or social loss more generally, may represent a distinct emotional experience that is uniquely associated with physical pain."The team that performed the research hopes that the findings will offer new insight into how the experience of intense social loss may lead to various physical pain symptoms and disorders. And they point out that the findings affirm the wisdom of cultures around the world that use the same language?words like "hurt" and "pain"?to describe the experience of both physical pain and social rejection.

source of above excerpt: http://ns.umich.edu/new/releases/8332-s ... -rejection




Try not to dwell on the past, when you're moving forward. Remorse makes you fully human. If you didn't feel it, you'd at least be some variety of sociopath, but also be kind to and forgive yourself.


Oh. And the people who don't accept you how you are today, because of something or other (assuming you're not a father raper; thinking of garden variety junkie moves), sometimes it seems there comes a point where it's more like their problem, not yours. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmSXIOlN6mYe[/quote]

Glad to hear your doing better. Work sucks sometimes. Employment place coworker dramas, sometimes a true blue asshole boss. Quotas, maybe tough deadlines, yup, it all can create stress. At least one gets to leave, for a silver lining. Still, should be a 32 hour work week, overtime over 8 hours any day, 6 week paid vacation each year for the wage slaves and under-salaried. That's just for starters. Die Kapitalistische Schweine! When's the revolution, damn it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rt_7jaX8CsY ...oops, going off on a tangent.


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PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 11:53 am 
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Hi h0pe, how are you doing, man?

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PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 2:50 pm 
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Greetings; Congrats on getting off suboxone.

I'm going to an echo a comment made above and suggest that you look into 12 Step as a means of lasting recovery. For addicts like me (several years of heroin use, then a couple years of daily IV heroin & cocaine addiction), the overwhelming odds are that I will relapse at some point, hence the need for a serious recovery program.

I'm not just talking about going to a bunch of meetings; I found a sponsor who had the kind of peace and happiness that I want in my life, and asked him to take me through the steps. We finished about a month ago, and I feel like I've had the first real freedom for as long as I can remember.

My Suboxone taper has been pretty rough going since I went down to 1 mg/day, but I haven't had a single urge to use.

Good luck.

-- Glenn

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 12:16 pm 
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6 months Drug and Alcohol free.
--> Nothing good in life comes easy :D

@Rom- Dude. Your the man. Its good to see your still sober bro. Have you seen gary or todd?? Or amy?? I was wondering how they were this morning.

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2014 2:50 pm 
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Congratulations on 6 months!!! I know you had a bad spell there for a bit, but looks like you pulled through and yer back to kicking ass and takin' names!!

Are you still hitting the gym?

Gary pops in once in a while, but I haven't heard from Todd for a while. Amy is still kicking around, she was just logged in a few minutes ago. You should PM her and say hi, I'm sure she'd love that!!

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