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 Post subject: Fantasizing about using
PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 11:17 pm 
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I was on Sub the first time in Feb of 2009. I relapsed in May and went back on Sub (with a new doctor) in July of last year. I relapsed very briefly on alcohol just before Easter and then shortly after that I messed with the Tramadol that I was prescribed after surgery, which did nothing but which I discover will put an opiate (including bupe) dependent person in withdrawal if taken in big enough doses (it was really freaky but resolved itself quickly). But, that's not what this is about. I also took my Flexeril other than in the dose prescribed (which wasn't done to get high, just to quiet my head that wanted something, anything). I mention this just to say that I realize that I haven't been the ideal recovering addict. I am trying. I had almost 9 months before the alcohol incident. I attend 5 meetings a week, have a sponsor and home group, and am trying to work the steps. So... why do I still want to get high?

I hate that my head is this way. I'm really determined to quit when I start, when the emotional pain is so great. But, then the thoughts start. I try to distract. I pray. I contact my sponsor. I've even used sex, in my mind substituting orgasm for the euphoria that I miss. Now, I find that the fantasizing (without sex) provides an escape of sorts and it's become my bedtime routine. It seems that it's the only time of the day that I relax because I don't feel that I'm fighting myself or trying to busy myself so that I'm not having to fight myself. Needless to say, I felt sad when I read the following from Dr. Junig's story (sorry if I messed up the good doctor's name).

"I can often tell very quickly if a person is going to do well, or if they are going to fail. To stay clean a person has to do one basic thing— surrender. Self pride has to go. Will power has to go. The person that used? He/she has to go— gone. That person is no more. In his or her place is a new person— someone who embraces humility, striving for it always, even if it is sometimes out of reach. The new person knows with all his/her heart that opiates are poison, and they always will be poison. They know that they will never, never, hope to control their use. They are done. Over. No questions asked. Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."

:( Surrender... That's it! :( I mean, that's exactly what I feel when I fantasize about using. It's such a sense of surrender and it actually seems to make me feel peaceful. Of course, I know that this isn't the type of surrender that the doctor is talking about. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even trying at all. I'm afraid that I'm paving the way for a full-blown relapse. But, I can't fail. I'm a responsible wife, mother of three young men, and someone who should have a life. I want to hate the drug. I want to not want to use. I can't stand the war that's going on inside me.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, other than I need to get it out. I hinted about it to my sponsor earliler today. But, I get so tired of telling her that I still want to use. She has stuck with me for so long. The desire has to go away. That's what I tell myself. But, when it hounds me all day (like it has again today) and night comes (as it now has) and all I want is to retreat into my bedroom, close my eyes, and try to form in my mind what the high might be like if I were to use again. :cry:

And this is why I tell God that I won't shrink back from a terminal illness. There are times that I can't imagine having this battle inside me and being granted a long life.

Thank you so much for allowing me to share this.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 6:25 am 
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Hi Christin,

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. And I do hope getting some of that out did make you feel better. I will say that I don't think you are alone - I think from time to time many of us have those feelings - some more than others.

There's a fairly new post that I would recommend you read. It's entitled "it has you or you have it" (something like that). The original post and the latest entry, both from Young Addict, I think might help you. It's about a state of mind. Some of what was said may cause an "AH HA!" moment for you. I find it to be some powerful stuff and I truly hope it can help you.

I also wanted to welcome you to the forum - I hope you get as much valuable support here as I do. Hang in there.

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 Post subject: Hang in there...
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 7:29 am 
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Hi christin,
First Welcome to the Forum as Hatmaker has said, I hope you get as much from this Forum as I have it has become a large part of my Recovery!!! I am neither a Dr. or Medical Professional so my comments are just that... Comments from a recovering addict :)... That being said, Don't be so tough on yourself. The pain and struggle you are feeling about wanting to use is called ADDICTION!! And you are taking steps to fight it by being here , taking your medication and seeing your Dr!!.... I hope you continue to post about your progress as it will help others fighting the same thing... Take care of youir self and again Welcome we are glad you are here.. :).....

God Bless
TW

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 7:31 am 
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hatmaker510 wrote:
I will say that I don't think you are alone - I think from time to time many of us have those feelings - some more than others.
This really helps to hear. Thank you. Sometimes (okay, USUALLY) I feel like a total freak. How can I not get the upper hand on this substance. I've been given such an advantage and a chance not to lose everything. Not everyone can get on Suboxone! And why do I keep hijacking my own thoughts?

Quote:
There's a fairly new post that I would recommend you read. It's entitled "it has you or you have it" (something like that). The original post and the latest entry, both from Young Addict, I think might help you. It's about a state of mind. Some of what was said may cause an "AH HA!" moment for you.
I never expected anyone to suggest anything. Actually, I feared that the reaction to my post would simply be :roll: "Get over it. Just stop thinking about it."

Thank you for the encouragment and the welcome. I'll look for that post right away.


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 Post subject: Re: Hang in there...
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 8:04 am 
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TWINPLY wrote:
The pain and struggle you are feeling about wanting to use is called ADDICTION!!
Isn't this the truth! What I keep wondering is when does RECOVERY finally kick in??? I don't need anymore practice with addiction. I've got "addiction" down real good.

Thanks for the welcome, Twinply. I really do appreciate not being made to feel like a total failure. Does anyone find that thinking about NOT using stirs the desire TO use?

I have an addictions doc, but he's really just a script writer. If I tell him that I have thoughts of using, he tells me that I have to "stop that." But, I digress. Sorry.

I've looked for Young Addict's post as mentioned by Hatmaker. But, this Old Addict/newbie can't find it. :? Can anyone imbed a link for me or tell me on which board I may find it (bumping it to the first page if necessary would be great help too)? I'll be going out of town soon but will try to check-in some time today.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 8:38 am 
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Here it is:

http://suboxforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=2090

Good Luck
TW

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 8:44 am 
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Here's that link for you: http://suboxforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=2090

You asked if anyone else finds that thinking about NOT using causes us to want to use. I've definitely found that to be true, at least in the beginning of my recovery. When I tried NA years ago, I found that when I left I felt worse than when I arrived. I always left WANTING to use.

Also, I've been on this forum for over a year now. When I first joined I was only a few months into my recovery or "addiction remission". I found that when I was on the forum I ended up thinking about using, too. Now mind you this was just my experience because I was new to recovery and wanted to use ALL THE TIME. When I started suboxone it wasn't a conscious decision on my part. I essentially cracked up from all the drug use and was admitted to a psych ward. It was there that I was put on suboxone without my permission. So for me I didn't consciously choose recovery until a couple of months later, which is why I think I wanted to use so much in the beginning. I think EVERYONE does at first, but for me it was exponentially worse because I felt I was forced into recovery. A couple months of living like that and trying to use suboxone to get high I had an epiphany. I looked at myself in the mirror getting ready to snort my subs and realized what I was doing. From then on I CHOSE to stay in recovery. All those thoughts of using did eventually subside. Now this forum and talking about it DOES HELP. I've also found that when I have cravings I verbally - out loud - express those feelings. Doing so makes the intensity of those cravings subside - at least for me it does.

Anyhoo...maybe this will help you a bit more. I hope so. And now you can check out that thread, too. (I didn't give you the full title which is probably why you couldn't find it.)

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 11:39 am 
Hi Christin and welcome. The obsession and compulsion to use drugs is really the heart of addiction, isn't it? I think we have all been where you are at one time or another. Some here are really strong in their recovery and are leading normal lives with little thought of using, and I'm sure others are struggling minute by minute. What you quoted from the doc seems like a pretty tall order. Maybe for now you can just surrender to the fact that you can't control these thoughts, and stop beating yourself up about it.
Also, a while back I was having a strong desire to use and my doc raised my sub dose. Even though i didn't need a higher dose to stay out of withdrawal, he said that with more bupe more receptors are bound which results in fewer cravings. Just a thought - i don't know what dose you are on now.
Hang in there, keep taking your Sub and keep coming back to the forum. We're here to help you.
Lilly


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 Post subject: Welcome
PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 9:24 pm 
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Hello and welcome to the forum........

One tip for you...so that I keep up with everything that is going on....I go to the home page and at the top click on the SEARCH link.........under keywords I type.........and the......then hit enter......and just like that I have every post for that day..usually in order. Hope that helps and good luck........I have always been a day dreamer but when I find myself fantasizing about getting high.......I always...always go back to my last day I used and how bad it was and it brings me back to reality very quickly......I find myself thinking about this girl I was so in love with and I will find myself longing to go back in time and if only I could be with her again everything would be alright.....then I remember all the verbal and physical abuse..the accusations....her cutting herself.......searching my house, phone and computer and I suddenly realize how sick that relationship was and how sick I was to allow it......it's natural for us to do that...just as long as we talk about it and do not act on it......keep us up to date....

Jim


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 11:44 pm 
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It DOES get easier as time passes, that's for certain, but it really can can take a lot of time, I know that from experience. I saw Christin's post earlier and wasnt' sure if I should respond, but I totally can relate. And wow, that's what I like about this forum, I keep seeing people say things that are so different than what I heard in NA (not that I have been to all that many 12 step meetings really)--but what Hatmaker said about always leaving meetings wanting to use--wow.--that always happened to me too, and I felt like nobody understood that. I just left those meetings feeling emptier and more than ever like an addict without any choice but to keep using. And I always felt like that was seen as my fault too, my own fault, NA wouldn't help me because I wasn't really sincere about wanting to stop. And maybe I wasnt', but how can you force yourself to want something that you don't want? Or to not want something that you do want? You can retrain your thoughts, with concentration, and over time, but...it can take a lot of concentration and a long time to do that successfully. So, if there's a medication that can help with cravings, it's such a huge help, though suboxone is not perfect and not without pitfalls.


I also relate to what ReRaise said about his ex-girlfriend....You know, I've read discussions comparing addiction to love relationships...

When I stopped using H for almost 4 years, and then, when I got to the point where I pretty much stopped drinking too, I finally was at a point where I was truly able to enjoy my life sober. And when I stopped using H--everyone I told about it told me my plan would never work because I wasnt' trying to change myself I was banking on circumstances. Ultimately I guess they were correct, but I also feel that I did what I could and it did work for a time, it was better than if I'd not tried and then would not have got any time in remission. What I did was not write down my dealer's new phone # when he changed it. And I just didnt' know anybody else using or selling h that that was that. The dealer called me a couple of times, gave me his phone # again, and tried to get me to do business--I even did at least once or twice, but finally he called a few times when I just had to say "no" because I was in no shape to deal with him, or someone was there with me, or whatever, and then he stopped calling entirely. Boy, I missed him for a long long time too. And it wasn't about withdrawal, my final withdrawal wasn't that bad at all because I had been using off and on so much--enough off time I guess that it helped. But I eventually did get to a place where I was genuinely happy to not have h in my life. I hope I can get there again.

But....meanwhile, wanting to use...I find other distractions may be better than focusing on it, like, maybe talking about it is NOT always the best thing, actually going and doing something that requires concentration or is active, to take my mind off it would be better. And it is HARD sometimes, to do some of the things that will help, even though you know.... Then again, other times, you just have to talk about it. I dont' find this forum makes me want to use though, in fact the opposite. This is the one place where I feel I am accountable to anyone and that I can be honest at the same time, that is, I would rather be able to report positive progress here than not, so I feel some incentive to not "let down" the folks who've been talking to me (and rooting for me) here. But I also know I can be honest here no matter what I have to report, which I do NOT feel with my psychiatrist, or anyone else other than the people I'd get street drugs from, if I was talking to them. And right now I dont' want to talk to those people. I'm doing the same thing as before I guess---trying to use circumstances to help me. But...without that I dont' know if I could do it. At least, I'm getting a start here, which gives me a chance to continue. I hope.

But anyway, sorry to get off track. Then there's momentum too...once you've got a start, you have to keep going with it...I think support from peers can really help with in that area too.

Meanwhile, Christin, I hope you're feeling some better by now....I know how hard it can be though, to believe that things will be different than they are now. Actually, I saw a study on PBS about how people base their decisions on how they are feeling NOW and have a hard time basing decisions on how they might feel in the future under different circumstances. The researchers asked people at a gym which they thought would rather have if they were lost in the wilderness, food or water? It turned out that the people who were asked the question on their way into the gym BEFORE they worked out, were much more likely to say that food was more important, while those who were asked AFTER they worked out were more likely to say they'd rather have water. The researchers concluded that the people who were thirsty said water, and that the people were basing their answers on how they felt when asked the question. Personally I was really surprised by the outcome of the study since I think I would have answered that I would rather have water if I were lost in the wilderness, whether I was thirsty at the time of being asked or not, because people can survive much longer without food than without water. But I think this relates to addiction too--when you have cravings it can be so hard to believe that you'll feel differently later than you do now...

But the point is, it's hard to keep on going sometimes, but it's the only way. And mostly being alone with serious troubles isn't easy I guess, having people to share experience with really CAN help.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 12:15 am 
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Thanks so much to everyone. I've been gone all day and am absolutely exhausted. I read YoungAddict's post (quickly, I must admit). I will read it again, more than once I'm sure. I agree with the post. I just have to get all of me on board, I guess. While I work on that, I keep telling myself that I can't use.

I've been trying to figure out if the using fantasies started increasing when I started decreasing my dose (I was on 20mg for a short stint and then on 16 for several months. Since March, I've decreased to 12, 8, and I'm trying to get to 4). A few times, I've stopped taking my Sub (preparing a relapse, I suspect?). But, after some time in w/d, I'd tell myself that I don't want to do what I would need to do in order to get high. So, I take the Suboxone and for a short time, I'm content to experience relief of the physical discomfort. Even though there's no high, at least I have relief of some sort. Of course, I'm not really satisfied and, soon afterward, I'm right back to wanting to get high and trying to distract, etc., ending the day with using on my mind.

I've gone through my lists for why I don't want to use. My last day of using wasn't God-awful. I just realized that I couldn't get high with what I could get. I had detoxed, deciding not to go the Suboxone route a second time. But, I couldn't last more than several days without using. I was going friggin' nuts, the obsession was so horrible. A couple of times, I lasted almost 2 weeks before giving in, stealing some oxys or getting a small script. My tolerance quickly returned to what it was when I had detoxed. So, I needed to go back on Suboxone. I couldn't stay clean and I didn't want to support what buying on the street would mean yet I knew that there was no way that I could get enough on my own. Besides, there were other things, horrible things... stealing my dad's oxys, lying to get scripts from his doctor, my doctor, etc., plotting just how low I'd be willing to go if I could get a new source of opiates, ANY kind of opiate. God, I don't want any of that. So why can't that be enough to stop the thoughts?

Right now, I'm exhausted and, as I contemplate going to bed, all that I can think about is falling asleep with the sense of relief that I can mimic by playing out in my head the anticipation, relief, and euphoria of surrendering and using. I type this hoping that, by admitting to it, I will be encouraged (or maybe it's shamed) into focusing my thoughts elsewhere. But, I know that I don't want to have to fight it.

For those of you who pray and who wouldn't mind praying for someone who obviously won't try as hard as she should, I'd appreciate all the help that I can get.


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 Post subject: what you're doing right
PostPosted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 2:57 am 
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Christin some people here recently suggested to me that I focus on what I'm doing RIGHT and the thing is, if you arent' using then you are doing something right! It sounds like you're doing a lot right actually, and it sort of hurts to hear you say you think you're not trying as hard as you should. Obsessions are really hard to deal with. Seems to me the worry about the fantasies is that...will they make you more likely to relapse? That would be my worry. That would be something to consider. Other than that, how can what you fantasize about hurt anything? I can hear how painful it is for you. Like I said, recently a couple of people here told me maybe I shouldnt' be so hard on myself and pointed out that the main thing is staying off the bad drugs. It sounds like your fantasies are not at all like actual plans to relapse. It also sounds like a scary and painful place to be in though. I hope something changes for the better for you soon and lightens this burden for you. I do know that sometimes when you least expect it things turn around and also that perspective is hard to come by when you are down. Either way though, I hope you keep posting adn I hope that helps you too.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 7:32 am 
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autononymous wrote:
Christin some people here recently suggested to me that I focus on what I'm doing RIGHT and the thing is, if you arent' using then you are doing something right!
Well, this morning I can add one more "good" thing. I fell asleep with a "clean conscience," every pun intended. :wink:

Quote:
Seems to me the worry about the fantasies is that...will they make you more likely to relapse? That would be my worry.
That's definitely my worry because I find comfort in the psychology of it all. Although I don't want to have to go through withdrawal ever again,the physical end was simple and straightforward compared to the obsession that remained. It was so bad that I was hurting myself in order to distract from the need to relieve the obsession (use). I couldn't stand it and that's why I sought out Suboxone therapy again.

For the first few months, I was the ideal patient. I thought that I had a doctor who would work with me. But, the only way that he worked with me was to increase my Suboxone dose if I having any withdrawal symptoms. (Does anyone else ever have self-resolving symptoms of withdrawal? When I insisted that the symptoms would just crop up out of nowhere and would resolve themselves (bouts of yawning, with stomach cramping, muscle aches, even dilated pupils at times), he would just increase my Sub dose. When I told him that I was having trouble with wanting to use, he told me, "You've got to find a way to stop that." I was doing everything that was suggested to me... IOP, 12-Step meetings.

I don't want to complain, I've been fortunate to find a Suboxone doctor. But, I've grown to not trust him. When I lowered my Suboxone dose, I didn't tell him. So, I have extras stashed in case I do something that ticks him off and he drops me (he's dropped patients for relapse -- gives them a week's supply and told not to return). I feel as though I have to tell him that I'm doing well, otherwise he shakes his head and repeats that I have to stop thinking as I think. Being honest does nothing other than to make me feel like a loser.

Honestly, how does an addict explain their inexplicable desire to do something knowing that it's not only stupid but potentially lethal?

Anyway... here's to another "GOOD" day. :)


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 7:33 am 
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Ohhh... I got sidetracked with my last post. I forgot to mention WHY I was mentioning not trusting my doctor...

I wonder if the deception has played with my head and my recovery. Even though I wonder, I can't fathom being honest about it.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 11:17 am 
Christin, Many of us here have found that some of the doctors who are approved to prescribe sub really don't know anything about addiction and aren't very helpful. Two days ago, I told my sub doc that after my car accident I got the bright idea to use vicodin to taper off the sub, and I ended up taking vicodin by the handful. His response to me, literally, was "you have to be more careful". This guy has been unhelpful since day one, and on the advice of people here I started looking for a new doc. The problem is after calling a whole list that I could reasonably get to - after eliminating all the ones who wouldn't take my insurance, weren't taking new patients, etc., I got down to 2 alternatives - one whom had conistently horrible reviews and a second who I actually did see and had a bad experience with. So after a month-long odyssy I'm still with the same guy. I guess this is all a hugely roundabout way of saying you won't get the answers you need from your doc. For me, the doc is just the guy who writes the scripts and I have to pursue my recovery elsewhere.

I know that you don't like your doc saying to raise your dose as the answer to everything, BUT it sounds like you're having more problems now that you've tapered down to 6mg (which is at or close to the lowest dose to acheive the ceiling effect). I would seriously consider going back up since your cravings are so overwhelming. It doesn't mean that you won't be able to taper off sometime in the future, just that NOW isn't the right time for you.

And, yes, I will pray for you. Don't pick up. Keep taking your sub -take more if you have to. And keep coming back.
Lilly


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 12:50 pm 
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Lilly,
I smiled at your Suboxone tapering plan. I did something similar last April, only there was no car accident involved. Is it not a testament to the insanity of our thinking that we'd consider using an opiate to get off Suboxone? It didn't work for me either. :wink:

I'm on my second Suboxone doctor (we only have 3 in an area where there's a large number of herion addicts. One of those doctors runs a cash-based business. He was my first!). My current doctor is a psychiatrist with an addictions specialty. So, I expected more.

Quote:
I know that you don't like your doc saying to raise your dose as the answer to everything, BUT it sounds like you're having more problems now that you've tapered down to 6mg (which is at or close to the lowest dose to acheive the ceiling effect). I would seriously consider going back up since your cravings are so overwhelming.
I will seriously consider this advice. I know that it doesn't mean that I won't be able to taper off sometime in the future. But, I keep asking myself if NOW isn't the right time for me, will it ever be? It's been almost a year but, when I go to decrease my dose, I want to use. Where's the progress in that? I ask myself. Maybe I should be telling myself instead that there's absolutely no progress in relapsing.


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 Post subject: progress
PostPosted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 1:58 pm 
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YES! Not relapsing IS progress, continuing to not relapse IS progress, every day. I have noticed that time goes really incredibly slow when I want to use and I'm trying not to relapse. Especially at the beginning. I've seen other people mention that too. Eventually that gets better. Eventually it all does get easier. I know that, but I only have a little over a week away from the drugs I kept relapsing on (like one long off-and-on relapse for the last year, after only a short time of being on the suboxone without using.) I know that a year, or almost a year, can seem like such a long time (it IS a long time, and it's great progress) but in the larger scheme of things, I know it can easily take more than a year for a person to stablize in addiction remission (I love that term, as an alternative to some of the others like "recovery" or especially "staying clean"--"addiction remission seems more accurate to me and is less over-used (though THAT may change)).

It sounds like you're getting some comfort from the contact with people on the forum, that's good. I too wonder about my dose, and also have a doctor who does not seem to know that much about suboxone--particularly dosage issues. I think on the right does the suboxone DOES help a LOT with cravings, but...we can't expect it to 100% eliminate cravings.

Anyway it does sound like you're feeling at least a little better, I'm glad of that. I'm feeling better than I was last week too, though still struggling with my dose. The main thing though, NOT using the street drugs....I hope I can keep that up, and I'm glad that you have been doing so well with that, despite how hard it has been. It's really a huge accomplishment.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 11:59 pm 
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wow what a great bunch of posts here guys :) Christin I hope you're getting along a bit better now after some time and feedback from those that have responded but I just wanted to add a bit to what has already been said so far. Even though it has been a little while since I last used I still think about using. It's certainly much more managable being on Suboxone from my own personal experience I mean but I still have times when I just want to change how I feel (of course that pretty much always means I want to feel euphoric all the time lol). I still miss those first days of getting high when there were no consequences yet but now I have also had some wonderful experiences being clean. I guess I'm saying that I've started to think that it may be unrealistic for me to think one day I'm just not ever going to think about using again but I have noticed as time has gone along I have seen the number of "using dreams" and other such behavior (wanting to use during the day) decrease but it just took time. There are still days though when I still really spend a fair amount of time thinking about using but then again I also find myself going whole days at a time now and not having an urge to use. I also sometimes think about when I first started Suboxone and how FREE! I felt and how wonderful a feeling it was to no longer have to worry about when and where my next fix would come from and when and if I would get sick again. Ultimately I'd encourage you to find ways of staying busy and to be easier on yourself at least that's what I've told myself in the past. Suboxone is likely the number one reason I'm still clean in my opinion but it hasn't made my thoughts of using go away completely just most of the time. After all we are opiate addicts here. Using opiates is what we/I used to do best.....thank goodness we somehow found a way out though we would have missed out on many experiences :cry:
Take care and iI look forward to reading more of your posts/threads

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 6:42 am 
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Christin-

You have been in recovery for over a year now, and the first year is usually the hardest. for me, until I found Suboxone I never stayed in recovery longer than a year without relapse. I often asked myself if it will ever get easier. I found that it did when I was willing to do whatever was suggested by those I sought to help me. In outpatient treatment, my counselors tried to convince me of things that I did not want to accept- I know better. Then slowly I began to make the changes and it felt like I was shedding layers of negativity that were keeping me from healing. I had to realize that we all think we know what is best for us, but our best thinking got us here- we have to be willing to try something different, and if you are willing, then that is a start.
Almost three years w/o relapse, I still think about using. I probably will for a long time- but it is easier to come back from it. I know that nothing good comes from using and it is usually more of a pain in the ass than its worth. That "one more time" thing is an escape from reality, an altered state of being. I am sure many people would rather live in la la land than here on earth, but if we stay grounded we don't have to worry about the inevitable crash back to reality and all that it bares.
Nothing you are experiencing is abnormal- we have all been where you are at some point, perhaps you are expecting yourself to be cured when all it takes is knowing that for today, you are on the right path. Staying within the present will help you. Asking "Will it ever go away?" is only going to defeat you. Take care!

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:43 am 
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I dont think i have ever read anything that speaks so true to me also.. I understand EVERY word of that...thanks for sharing that 4sure...the fantasizing..is the worst..and i think about that all the time..if i had to live a long life with this disease spreading from head to toe speaking to me....its hell.. it just felt so good to read that...worded perfectly..and i hope it helped to get it out a little...i dont post very often on here..but i guess it helps some.
hope all the best for you girl


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