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 Post subject: Failed
PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 11:07 pm 
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Hi. I'm new to the forum. I have taken suboxone for the last two years. I have gotten the suboxone from a doctor at the veterans hospital near my house. Previously I had gotten medically discharged from the military and had a dependence on pain pills. I would take up to 110 mg's of methadone or up to 5-80's or 12-30's a day. Over the past year i have tapered from 24 mg to 2 mg of suboxone out of my own desire. I was on 2 mg starting about 4 months ago. At 2 mg i began to taper at a slower pace to 1.5, then 1, then .5 mg. After I got below 2 mg's I was very tired, lazy, depressed and unhappy. Also since starting suboxone I have had headaches and a weird pressure feeling in the top of my head.
I stopped taking suboxone 2 months ago. I lasted a week not taking anything. My wife had planned a camping trip and I didn't want to go, because I had just quit taking the suboxone a week earlier. I wanted to make my wife happy, because I feel sad and guilty about taking pills and having it effect my family, so i went on the camping trip. I lasted one day on the camping trip and didn't sleep all night so i went first thing in the morning and got some kratom from the headshop nearby. I took kratom for the remainder of the camping trip. I ended up leaving early and went 2 hours away and I decided to get 8-80's and started taking 20 mg's every 6 hours. I did this for a week and then stopped taking them. I went another 4 days without anything. Once again the withdrawals convinced me to take more kratom. After a week I returned to get more 80's and took them for a few days. The summer was ending and I was starting college again as I am studying to finish a bachelors degree in nuclear engineering and halfway done with a bachelors in mechanical engineering. I was scared that I would not be able to succeed in college with my current state of mind so a few weeks ago I began taking buprenorphine again. This time the doctor gave me subutex instead, because I had headaches/pressure for the past two years. I have a feeling of defeat combined with disgust for myself due to my continued dependence on these drugs. I want more than anything to be free to just live, to wake up everyday and be myself; free from anything that i need to live, to lead my wife and kids. I wake up everyday and the first thing i think of is taking my bupe. Makes me sick.


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 Post subject: Re: Failed
PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 11:13 pm 
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I guess i'm just having a bad day. Sorry so negative.


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 Post subject: Re: Failed
PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2014 12:05 am 
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Hey jfordi,
Your not a failure, a d no you didn't really say that. You have a opiate addiction just like the rest of us. It's a bitch, I know.

I guess I look at it as saving my life today and I've been able to make a new life after the hell of using and destroying my self.

So you back on, good. I think so. You can study, be with family. Finish school. Sub can help you with all of that.
You know this though.
I understand that some of us would love to be"drug free", that would be nice, but I find opiate addiction as a life long condition that needs medical treatment. Can you imagine trying to taper off full agonist opiates and win? Many try, but most can't do it J. You are doing the best you can a d lucky, Imo, you found a Dr who is helping you.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you have so much going for you. Maybe down the road, someday, your process and life will lead you off subs. Until then, keep moving forward as you are. Your a winner in my book. A d let me say thanks. Thanks for your service. Truly.

I have two friends in our clinic here that sound a bit like you. Service. They also developed bad pill problems too. They also in school here. College town..

I'm not a taper guy, but just wanted to give ya support.

It's hard not to relape. Now you won't.. Hopefully..

Keep posting and wish I had answers for you..


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2014 12:41 am 
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Hi jfordy, welcome to our forum. I wish it wereunder bettercircumstances that you joined and posted though. it's okay to talk about how you're feeling here. I'm sorry you're feeling so down on yourself and discouraged, and having a hard time. It sounds like you did a good job tapering the first time, but the prolonged withdrawal caused you to use a week in, that's not uncommon, since addiction is a chronic, relapsing disease. There's no shame at all in treating it as such, with medication.
From reading your post, it sounds like each time you have something you feel you need to be at your best for, you use either your d.o.c,or kratom to get through it without feeling physically and mentally bad, which leads you to feel even worse about yourself, the vicious cycle of addiction, we all know it very well.
May I ask, when you taper off and jump again, how do you plan to keep off the kratom or oxy? Did you work on your recovery, learn about what your triggers are and how to deal with them etc? Attend any sort of meetings? Counseling? Of all the people here whose stories I've read that have tapered off sub and remained off, they all had done much work on their recovery, gotten away from all using acquaintances and possible connections, and made very significant other changes in their lives and behaviors. Having a good foundation for your recovery is essential to remaining completely abstinent. Right now it doesn't sound like you were ready when you stopped before.

Many people who have life threatening diseases fondly remember the time before their illnesses when they didn't have to take medication and wish that they could go back to that time. I'm sure that insulin dependent diabetics wish that they didn't have to watch their diets closely and take daily injections, but most come to accept that these are the steps that are necessary to stay healthy and live a normal life. Kwim? Being an addict is a real pain in the butt, but there are good treatments available and it is possible to live a normal and happy life while in treatment. Don't get me wrong, I do understand the desire to not have to depend on taking any type of med daily, and it is possible. Perhaps before you try to get off the buprenorphine this time,you could try getting involved in some type of recovery oriented activities like counseling and or meetings, there are other meetings besides 12 step programs,if that's not for you, such as SMART recovery. Try not to feel bad or like you've failed because you've decided to start taking sub again. You recognized that you were using again and headed for possible catastrophe, and did the right thing for you and your family. Being on a stable dose of buprenorphine is far better than the misery that accompanies active addiction. Use your time on it to put more time between you and active addiction, and take the steps needed to avoid relapse in your future attempts at quitting sub. There are many hear threads her in the stopping suboxone section of the forum and in the bupe in the rear view section as well. Read some of them, and see what others have done to be successful in staying off sub.
Keep posting, sometimes it helps just to get things out and get feedback from other people who are going through the same things and understand.


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 Post subject: Re: Failed
PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2014 12:42 am 
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I feel like when your taking bupe and you have days when your tired and feeling shitty, the bupe is what you blame it on. I feel like those days have been more frequent. That's why i wanted to get off the bupe. Another thing that keeps me from getting off is that my mom and sister are the ones that started me on oxy when i was 15. I don't talk to my sister anymore but my mom still gets 80's and tries to sell them to me. It's hard to not be on bupe and have that in my head. I had her move in last year but i had to kick her out cuz she wouldn't stop talking about her pills all day and selling them and telling me about it. Shit sucks.


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 Post subject: Re: Failed
PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2014 2:53 am 
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Just wanted to let you know that I deleted the thread you had started in the bupe for life section since it was identical to this one, where I originally responded to your post, and moved my response here to this one. It's only necessary to have one thread saying the same thing going so that all of your responses can be seen in one place. Thanks for understanding, and hang in there. You haven't failed!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2014 4:19 pm 
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yeah makes sense


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 Post subject: Re: Failed
PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 7:01 pm 
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Sorry to jump in with a stupid question but what is kratom? Is that the synthetic marijuana? People here in reading, pennsylvania call it k2. I know it is now illegal to sell, posses and-or use it in pa. I thought it was like that everywhere? You mentioned you got it at a head shop so if it is what i think it is then maybe the law is different where you are. Sorry to be off-topic lol. And may i just add that everyone- at least myself and everyone i know who takes suboxone- has these moments of wanting to be free. I feel that way a lot. I too wake up and automatically think about taking my suboxone. It makes me sick sometimes too. But at least i'm no longer chasing pills and spending every dollar i have. I know that probably doesn't make you feel better. But just know that you're not alone. And here on this forum is the perfect place for when you feel like this and need to talk. Good luck to you.


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 Post subject: Re: Failed
PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 8:14 pm 
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Ya jackie way off topic but Kratom is a plant from Asia or thailand that acts like an opiate.
It works on the same mu receptors and can stop WD s..

It is not fake mj..thats all i have on that.....


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 Post subject: Re: Failed
PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 9:13 pm 
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Whaaaat! How have i never heard of this? Not that i'm interested in it- i got my subs lol. But all my years of addiction and researching and having fellow addict friends... You'd think something like that would come up. It's bought legally and without rx? Maybe they don't have it here in pennsylvania? I'm certain one of my friends would have known about it and told me about in my addiction days. That's how i heard about subs!


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