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PostPosted: Sat Jan 18, 2014 8:58 pm 
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Hi to everyone, I want to say that this site has helped me tremendously over the last two weeks as I have spent probably 3-6 hours a day just reading and reading. Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories so that I could better understand opiate addiction, their personal stories that have brought them to this site and Suboxone.

I had my whole life story written from why I started using so young, to what, and the things that kept me using but everyone has personal and family issues so I started with my opiate addiction only as it is hard to lay it all out there and people are going through their own issues atm.

6 days clean today!

I could never come clean to anyone in my family about my 9 year struggle with opiate addiction as they are all straight laced and I could never forgive myself for hurting my mother in that way. She already put me through rehab at the age of 17. I shattered my hand and that’s when I meet opiates. After my 1st Vicodin I was hooked. All the pain, regret and guilt from 26 years of previous addiction seemed to disappear, for the 1st few years that is. After my prescribed medicine ran out I knew just where to turn, the streets. My girl got tired of me spending all my money on pills, sitting around playing video games in a daze and depressed. Not being able to travel by plane because I would be smuggling pills just to function made her quite mad. And the worst, I am sure some men can relate, opiates effected my sexual behaviors, I rarely was in the mood, if we did try he would go up and down up and down and when and if I could finish I could not feel hardly anything (WHY would men want to take this drug). That drove her to despise me and my addiction so I destroyed a 7 year relationship over drugs. The pills took over my life and that’s all I cared about. I neglected her and my step son and lost them both. I can just push that sadness away with more pills. I got laid off of a job of 14 years, I pull my 401k and live like a king for a few years, well my hook ups lived like kings. After going through my savings I get a new job that is just paying me enough to support my addiction, but as we know as time goes on you need more and more. Now I am stealing money from my mother who has Parkinson’s disease to feed my habit. I take care of her and work at night, the stress of watching your mother die slowly in front of you is devastating. The pills helped dull that pain.

It was nothing for me to take 50 or more 750/7.5 that’s A LOT of Acetaminophen. I saw in another post where someone wrote there is no way someone could take that much Acetaminophen, well I did. I only took them when I could not find my 1st choice because of the lower amount of Acetaminophen Norco 325 mg / 10 mg and I would still take 40 or more of them a day. If I found Percocet it was nothing for me to pop them like candy as well but those having Oxy I had not built up a huge tolerance. The last ½ year or so I have been mixing my opiates with Soma and that’s a deadly combo. I can remember countless nights lying in bed at night thinking I have not took a breath in a while, and I would force myself to, or driving and nodding off having to smack myself to stay awake. I sold my truck, I loved so much, and have spent all that money on drugs. I have started selling my collectables and I finally realized enough is enough and went searching on the internet for something that might save my life. I do not have insurance now so expensive rehab was not an option or rapid detox. I attempted to quit around a year ago and made it 3 days, 3 days of pure hell on earth. Could not get out of bed which is not an option for someone taking care of someone with Parkinson’s and trying to hold a job. And the restless legs and arms at night almost drove me to cut myself just so I would feel that pain and not that disgusting feeling. There is nothing worse than RLS! I just can’t do it cold turkey. And then I found out about Suboxone. I asked one of my so called friends if he could find any Suboxone and he did. Crazy thou they are coming from a drug counselor that is a heroin addict. How can you counsel people coming off drugs and be a hard core user yourself? I am able to get the AN415 Buprenorphine hydrochloride and naloxone hydrochloride 8 mg pills. I am not happy about getting them off the street but I will do anything to save my life right now. I have brought on severe social anxiety from the other drugs I used to use but opiates seemed to take that away. Now that I am off them I am starting to feel like how I am going to be able to be social. So atm going to a doctor and going through that whole process of what I have read on this site might have stopped me from recovery so the streets are my only option. But I was done spending $21 to wake up, $21 dollars to shower, $21 dollars to leave the house then the $ just spilled out of my pocket once on the move.
So, I stressed to the max about having to wait and go into WD and even more about PW but I stressed for nothing. I took my last 70mg of Norco and Soma around 6:00pm. I waited 21 hours, was not in too bad in WD per the COWS but did not want to experience any RLS that night so I played Russian roulette and took 2mg of Sub. Felt fine after an hour, and took another 2mg. felt even better. I actually slept like a baby. Next day I took 2mg in the morning but was feeling WD’s later that day so I took 4mg. Slept ok. Next day took 4mg in the AM and 4mg in the evening and felt even better but not sleeping well. Last 3 days took 4mg in the AM, 4mg in the PM but now feeling chilly and really lazy or maybe more of no drive to do anything but not tired. I was getting a slight rush and hot flashes every hour the 1st few days. I am no way in any sort of WD just feeling off and don’t feel that “I am a new man” feeling although I am very proud of myself to not be swallowing 40 plus pills a day and have stopped the Soma. I crush the pills and smear them around my mouth and wait 1/2hr. I swallow the goop most of the time but spit if I have any type of mild headache. I am wondering (people’s opinions as I know you are not doctors) if I should up my dose to get what some people experience as the “new person / normal” feeling, or just wait a few more days to stabilize as I again feel pretty good just cold and down and out physically and mentally? I am hoping to do a 2 -4 month taper as I am mentally and psychically done with pills, not sure how I will feel about feeling feelings again and my social anxiety but will work on that when I am pill free. Might actually have the money to work on my real issues with professional help after I am pill free.
It’s funny how many calls I have received from my dealers the last few days, at least 50 from my so called friends. They must be broke now that I am done with them. I just love making them sweat as I watch the phone ring and ring, it seems to motivate me to remain clean watching them stress. Take your $10 co-pay prescriptions that you sell to me for $360 and shove them up your ass.
Also, don’t think I read enough of the stopping Sub stories, if any, just the induction, dosing and personal stories ones before I started this method of sobriety because so many are horror stories and I have some anxiety about the future and tapering. I have hope though because of the positive ones I have read. I am going to follow the ones that slow taper to powder in piles and hope for the best. If I get RLS I am going to possibly go insane while eating hundreds of bananas but I won’t go back to opiates that’s a fact!

Sorry for the rambling

6 days free of addiction and destroying my liver sure feels fine.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2014 5:35 am 
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Hi again Bo'. Did you say your getting the Subs from black market? I only ask because it would be less stress for you to get it though a doctor properly dosed etc but I think you said you don't have insurance so it could be too costly for you the legitimate way. I don't live in USA but where i do Subs cost $36 dollars per week regardless of dose.

Look it's great you' off all the pills.. I believe you when you say 50 pills because the liver adjusts and builds up tolerance. How are your liver values and your other blood work? I think even if your liver was getting a bashing from all the pills (and it would have), I think you can restore your liver and your health by staying off all the pills junk. My Dr talks about a glow people get from being on Subuxone. Basically I think it's just a persons liver and kidneys getting healthy again and from what I understand the Subs are not very toxic cause throwing back all the huge qty of pills is a thing of the past.

I know that Soma withdrawal is not nice..I use to crave it big time because of low mood. The Subs fix that and now that you are 1 week off all the shit I think now you will start to feel better in the second week. Man consider staying on the Subs longer term as you were taking a lot of pills before. If you feel good on your subs regime try and find a good Dr and take your course slowly. Just don't give in to the pill cocktail again.. To your good health:) Ben


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2014 10:02 am 
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Ben, I was not going to put that I was getting them off the street but I decided to just be honest and not spew lies as I am used to when using. You might know people like me who won't go to the doctor until a limb is falling off. From WAY back I have been terrified of going to doctors as all they want to do is poke and prod you, always find something wrong, then you are on medication and going back to them every other day when nothing is really wrong (my experiences). I live outside of Detroit, most corrupt city on the planet so every other doctor will prescribe you anything. My fear was going to a doctor that without insurance would bill me $150 for a visit a week because - of course - they would need to see me every week or two times a week, only give me enough for a week and I would be at the doctor still stealing money just to pay for that treatment. And I was worried about having my name out there as being an opiate addict as who knows who can access your records these days. I have issues I know.
I have done, not alittle but ALOT of research on Suboxone and feel the only thing a doctor could tell me is that my liver is bad, which would be a death sentence for someone with no insurance. Is not a "if" but a when my mother will pass from Parkinson's, then I will deal with my health issues as I can't stand anymore stress while helping her and getting clean.
I don't want to say what it costs me to get them off the street cause it possibly could be less or more than some pay going to doctors and I would not want to change anyone's mind on what they are doing atm.
I do feel better not swallowing all that Acetaminophen. I would get pains in my side towards the night and have not felt one pain since I have been off them.
I am not sure if I have had any Soma withdrawal and if I did the Subs masked it. I really should not complain about any issues atm as I feel 100% better then popping pills. I might stay on the Sub longer but I really hit bottom and feel deep down inside I am done with pills. If I did not feel this way I could have just kept selling stuff and stealing and using. I need to be here for my mom so that brings my wanting to feel high to suppress my selfish feelings into perspective when she has to take pills just to function at a shell of a person and she does not need to get high to mask her tremendous suffering.

Thanks for the support.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 6:37 am 
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...about Drs, I haven't respected a Dr for as far back as my memory stretches but my Sub Dr (Addictions specialist) whom I consulted with recently for the first time is a true champion the first Dr I ever truly respected. Not cause he was willing to give me Subs(actually at his suggestion as I never had many other options) but as an addictions specialist he knows how addictive opiate pills are. What we did as self medics must be a common scenario for many. Here's the scenario, a person suffers pain chronic or short term and is prescribed opiates. He or she then gets hooked on the pain medication for a range of reasons, one being to be out of pain of course but they find that they need to take more and more because of tolerance and the pain can present in other places of the body etc etc. Weeks or months later the addicted opiate pill user now finds that their moods are affected. So next the person obtains an SSRI AD or a benzo such as Xanax(alprazolam) [a very dangerous pill if not used correctly]. So next the person thinks they've got a,concentration problem and starts on an adhd medication.. So get the picture people reading, how taking all these different meds is quickly f*+^^= the person up.

A couple of years ago I had a general practitioner doctor feeding me 6 months of repeats of tramadol (getting me hooked) before cutting me off and saying I needed to 'dry out'. I spose they got a tough n shitty job a lot of the time.

Thank God for yoga, Pilates and Subuxone. At least on Suboxone I'm not using or craving other pills or recreational drugs. Hope your mum is doing okay. Take care ur self too mate.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 10:21 pm 
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@Bojanglan... thank you for sharing your story. Your story hits home for me. I hope you all the best in your recovery. You seem to have some of the same views as I do, so I hope to hell you can pull it off. I am rooting for you as I root for myself.

I hope to see you around on the forums and I wish you success.

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" Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."
- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 2:09 am 
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Hey Bojangling, are you still around? Did you decide to stay at the same dose or increase it a little bit. And are you starting to feel better in general?

I hope you are at least still reading here, but please do post if you have any comments or questions.

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 7:30 pm 
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Hey Man.
I get where your coming from. I hope your doing good bro. Its not easy to do this when your caring for your mother. You would be surprised to hear my side. Hit me up if you need some advice or anything.

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