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PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:15 pm 
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Ive been on suboxone for over 3 years. Ive also been reading on a lot of websites about the horrible withdrawal of Suboxone... I, myself have personally experienced stopping suboxone with no taper after 4 months. I was uneducated on certain issues of how to STOP taking Subs and didnt surf the Web at the time. I didnt know I was in w/d, just very tired and unmotivated. I went 3 weeks felt fine, but only went back on the suboxone because I was having marital probs, which ended up in divorce. My husband, no ex, is an alcoholic...

3 years later, not much has changed. Ive tapered to 1mg, and been having a tough time getting passed 1mg. I have w/d like I never felt when I stopped cold turkey after 4 months. Idk if its because its been 3 years, or if its because Im excpecting it, after lots of research. I started my taper because depression started setting in BAD. As I tapered and got lower, it was like my whole entire life came back and hit me HARD! I all the sudden felt things HAVE CHANGED and OMG, I LEFT MY HUSBAND... I GAVE UP ON HIM. WE ARE NOT MARRIED ANYMORE... So, my question is... Do I feel this way because the suboxone "mask" your feelings, or are one of the w/d effects of tapering? (high emotions) I am grateful for the suboxone that it has diminished any thoughts or cravings of vicodins, a 2 year addiction. BUT, I carry a lot of guilt about this addiction, those 2 years & my daughter was in 7 & 8th grade at the time. I know Im a good mother, I do everything a parent does for their child, and then some, but I cannot shake the guilt of all the $ that was blown, on some pills, after awhile, just so I can function...

I have ppl tell me that's in the past, damaged done. My daughter never went without, my house was paid off, I never recieved a dime of child support iny life. I feel its important to let it out that my daughter is a happy, bright college student w a 4.0 grade average, and a Jazz Band Scholar. So, if everything did work out, why do I as a parent carry so much guilt? Are there any parents out there that feel the same way?

I guess there's really 2 questions...

Last, my screen name comes from the Beatles song. After I gave birth and they brought my daughter in my room, it was just the 2 of us, and a beautiful spring morning. I had a small radio on, and that song was on... Ill never forget that, and it has literally become the theme of our lives...


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 Post subject: You are not alone
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:29 am 
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Hello herecomesthesun! I, too, carry a lot of guilt. You are definately not alone here. I'm sorry I missed this post earlier. I feel sad for you, but at the same time I feel relief that I am not the only one that feels so much guilt.

I have two beautiful daughters that I lost custody of. I miss them so much it hurts. It is an aching pain that noone can understand unless they have been there. One of them was adopted by their stepmother and wants nothing to do with me. That kills me. I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach just typing this. She was my heart and soul and I feel so completely empty without her in my life. My younger daughter still talks to me, but her dad is an asshole and wont let me see her. I am taking him back to court very soon. I pay my child support EVERY month ON TIME. I should be able to see her. Anyway, this isn't about me. I just wanted to reply to you and let you know that I understand your gult feelings.

You have raised a very intelligent, well rounded daughter. You should be so proud of that. Your friend was right in saying that this is in the past. You cannot change what you have done. You can only learn from it. It sounds like you did just that. You sound like a terrific mother, don't sell yourself short. I have a 16 month old son and I am an amazing mother to him. If I don't give myself credit for that, noone else will. He is such a tremendously happy baby and he gets everything he needs and thensome. He is spoiled with love and attention. You sound as though you did the same with your daughter. I say pat yourself on the back for having 7 years clean! That is no small feat.

Also, about your husband, you did what you had to do to protect yourself, your child, and your recovery. I could not be married or even living with an alcoholic or addict right now. (actively drinking or using) It would surely take me down. YOu sound like a good woman, a great mother, and a determined recovering addict. Keep up the great work that you have so selflessly been doing!

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"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 3:07 am 
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Wow... Thank you. I feel sadden for you. You wrote such a nice, supporting post, when you are gping thru so much.

Thats the first time I heard myself refered to as an addict. Its weird because I have pts that are refered to as addicts. I'm a nurse.I work neuro. Go figure. Nurse Jackie, just no music in the background...

My daughter know nothing of nothing.. Im ok w that. I took vicodin for 2 years... And they feel like a million.

What is your dosage now? Are you tapering?

Thank u again. Youre a good Mama too. Obviously, cause you wouldnt of posted and feel all u do....


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 10:39 am 
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Hi Here_comes_the_SUN,
I will share with you my thoughts about being addicted to vicodin. I took vics every now and then as early as 5th grade for migraines (my mom had a prescription and let me try half of one cuz she couldn't stand the sight of my migraines and I never forgot that light floaty self-confidence-burst feeling. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I don't think she knew the addiction potential and really every day since then was entirely my scheming to get it and I feel totally guilty stealing her medication as a teenager. I feel really stupid and that I betrayed her), but it wasn't until I was about 17 years old that it turned into an addiction that lasted until I was 19 when it turned into heroin until I was 21 in which right before I turned 22 I switched to suboxone. Anyways, my parents were those model parents that grew up in the 50s and are very conservative. And republican. And farmers. I was not exposed to anything bad and they never let me hang around kids with semi-unconservative parents. Yet, the forces of opiates took ahold of me. There is something scientific about this. I was a girl that never swore, that didn't want sex until marriage, that had never had a detention in my entire life, that would never think of doing ANYTHING bad, and yet those dang opiates took ahold of me. Our brains react to some things in this universe that make us feel so great, and also a feeling of wanting more.

I have learned to not let myself feel guilty. There are people out there that hate drug addicts. But they just do not understand drug addiction. Also, there is the possibility that some of us have an "alcoholic gene" that makes us addicted to drugs faster than others. Either way, it makes no difference. There are scientific reactions in our brains (Hey! You work in that line of field with the brain, you know way more than me!) that we just do not have much control over. There are infinite possibilites of molecular structures in this universe. There is a molecular structure that will explode, and there is one that when put into the human brain will make "floaty, happy feelings of euphoria that are the best feelings of well-being in the entire universe" and any functioning brain will undoubtedly want to certainly experience that feeling again sometime in their lifetime!

There are so many people that take pills. You are so smart to only have been on them 2 years, and it never developed into a hardcore drug addiction like with heroin. And even if it did, that is totally understandable. It's just the way our brains are built! It's OK. Any sane person who experiences that euphoric feeling will want to feel it again. It is so easy to become addicted. This is the way God made us. God made the poppy plant. The universe has molecular structures that will do these nice things to our brains. It's there. We like it. We like doing things that feel good. You are so smart to understand the bad things that all of these good things can do to your brain, and you are doing something about it. That shows intelligence. A rat without intelligence will keep using the opiates every day until it takes too much for its body to handle and die. You are not a rat. You are intelligent and are doing something about it! The fact that you feel guilty shows that you are intelligent. Your guilt is making you stop. But you don't need to feel guilt anymore. It is like how 2 + 2 = 4, always. If you put a substance in a brain, the brain will love it and want more of it. 2 + 2 will always equal 4. The fact that you realize that you can just not add 2 to 2 and not do the equation makes you very smart, and you should be very proud of yourself for realizing that and sharing your thoughts with others on the internet. And I congratulate you! You are not the crook on the street who is breaking into homes to get money for his fix. You are a smart woman with a career and family. You are what every woman (almost every woman) wants to become! And some day, I know I will be you. And we've both gone through this addiction, but we have come out of it, and we are smart! And some day I hope I have a career and family like you.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 6:00 pm 
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This happens to everyone. I could count on one hand the number of times I cried in my life until I quit suboxone. Also, I used to have anxiety, but quitting subs made it MUCH worse. Still dealing with that heightened anxiety 7.5 months since quitting.

You're gonna be an emotional wreck for a while. It's natural. You won't actually feel this guilty once the PAWS starts fading away.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 8:01 pm 
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Hi here comes the sun, I agree with your daughter not knowing. So dont worry about that. I'm not saying it's wrong if she does know, but I don't see the harm in not telling her. My current dose is 16mg. Like many people, my addiction started from a legitimate pain problem, I had a kidney removed! hahahaha, yep it hurt. Anyhow, I also have chronic pain, but that developed after the nephrectomy. (not related) So the suboxone is being taken for addiction as well as pain control. I take 8mg in the morning and 8 mg in the evening. I am not tapering. I am stable on this dose, and my doctor and I have decided together to keep me at this dose as it is effective at relieving my pain.

I meant to tell you that I LOVE the story behind your screen name! My older daughter and I had this little thing between us where I would tell her that I love her so much that if I could choose any little girl in the whole wide world to be my little girl, I would still choose you. The very last time I saw her, I gave her a bracelet that had a little tiny box on it. Inside the box, I put a little note, and it said "I would still choose you". This was 4 years ago, August 23rd. It was her 10th birthday and I flew in to Georgia and surprised her. I had no idea that that would be the last time I held her. She will be 14 this August and I miss her so very much every single day. You are a great mother and you still have her. Cherish that. So many other things could have happened. I hold on to the hope that one day, she will come to me. I pray for it actually. All the time. You may have done some things wrong, but you have her, and you are doing the right thing now. That's all that matters. Try to forgive yourself. I know how incredibly hard that is because right now, I feel as though I can never forgive myself for what I did to her, by leaving. It must have broke her little heart to pieces.... I am so sorry for that and I feel as though I won't be able to forgive myself until she not only knows, but understands just how very sorry I am.

Have a good one...

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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