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 Post subject: Dysfunctional family
PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 6:09 pm 
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*this will be somewhat a rant and rave of my own family with me as the black sheep, addict*

A small history on me.Been an opiate addict since 2006. First 4 years was abusing tramadol and then went to hydrocodone & oxycodone because couldn't order tramadol online anymore due to state laws. In July 2013 I started Suboxone under doctor care and have since weaned down to 3mg with plans to jump soon. I quit my sub doc last month and only have my last sub script left to wean down.

I come from a dysfunctional family with a stepfather who was verbally abusive. I grew up with my mother who divorced my dad when I was 2 years old. My mother remarried when I was about 4 or 5 y.o. My dad was in my life, but not as much as I wanted him to be. My mother hated him and always told me bad things about him. My real dad was a work-a-holic, so when I would go see him during Summer visitation, out of state, he was ALWAYS working. So, I'd mostly stay with my step-mom and older step-sister loning for my dad's attention. Since my mom hated my dad, I only got to see him during Summer visit.

I have 2 full blood siblings and 2 half - blood siblings. Age wise, I'm in the middle of my siblings at age 38. I grew up with my older sister and younger half-brother. My older brother grew up with my dad and step-mom. After my younger half-sister was born, my dad and step-mom divorced, but remained good friends.

Growing up my step-dad was highly verbally abusive and I can remember being terrified of him for most of my childhood into early teens. When I was 16 I got into bodybuilding and got strong. My step-dad wasn't an ass hole 24/7, but just had a really bad temper and when he exploded he took it out on me, my mom and my younger half-brother, his son by my mom. Things got better around age 16 because I was active in sports and bodybuilding and was probably stronger than he was. He didn't intimidate me as much. As far as contact with my real dad, I didn't talk to him much through my mid to late teens. Mostly because he had a 4-5 year stint in prison for a money embezzlement charge he claims was bogus and now believe him (long story).

I don't guess I have ever had a really close and supportive family like other families I've seen. If I really got into some sort of trouble then they'd have helped me, but I'm more talking about "emotional" support. I'm not really close with anyone in my family, especially now after everyone knows I'm an opiate addict. Of course my older brother denies he's a functional alcoholic and my older sister had food issues struggling with her weight for years. Each of us siblings agree it's because of our mom and dad divorcing and hating each other often bringing their burdens on us kids. As well as the daily verbal abuse by my step-dad. When you're constantly belittled and screamed at then eventually your self confidence and self esteem just withers away.

Now, at age 38, after years of addiction and manipulation of both my mom and dad for monetary support for my drug addiction I'm finding it hard to relinquish the guilt and shame I have. I was somewhat close to my mom before my drug addiction, but now we don't talk hardly at all. I actually moved in with my dad a few months back to get away from the influence of my former drug using cohorts, so I could focus on getting off Suboxone and on with sobriety. Now retired, my dad is highly supportive of me and my addiction. My mother I think is ashamed of me because she doesn't reach out to me now when I need it most. And, I'm not going out of my way to reach out to her because she has said some painful stuff to me in the past. I'm really close to getting off Suboxone, so support is important. As for my brothers and sisters I don't really feel the love from them either. Maybe it's just me, but I feel that my mother and siblings just don't want to understand addiction and why I did what I did. Also, being an introvert it's a monumental task for me to swallow my pride and constantly apologize as I've done numerously in the past. I've decided that when I get 6 months into full sobriety that if no one in my family tries to reach out to me for support then I'll try to take steps to repair relationships I've broken. Yet, I feel I shouldn't have to do all the work. Part of me feels if I'm clean and have proven it by my hard work then we all should meet in the middle. I refuse to move on through life worrying about my family relationships if I'm the only one making any effort to repair what's been damaged. My dysfunctional family is probably what drove me to drug abuse in the first place.

I'm interested in others out there who are in the same shoes as me and what they did to resolve bitterness in their immediate family. I know I've done wrong and disappointed certain family members, but they should strive to research and understand addiction and the reasons for why I did what I did while in active opiate usage. I've told my mom and brothers and sisters to go online to places like this and learn about addiction, but they're to damn lazy I guess. When I don't understand something I try to figure it out, so why the he'll can't they do the same? That really pisses me off. IF SOMEONE OUT THERE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOUR LOVED ONE IS AN ADDICT THEN PUT YOUR F*****G ATTITUDE AND EMOTIONAL PAIN ASIDE AND LEARN AND UNDERSTAND WHY THEY BECAME AN ADDICT AND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ONE!!! Then and only then will you understand why an addict does what they do and then you can take appropriate measures to help them find sobriety. Especially when the addict is ready to work HARD and EMBRACE sobriety. I just don't think my family wants to understand why I chose addiction instead of success or else they've grown to tired to care. If that's the case and my family relationships don't get better when I'm sober then I guess I'll just go through life alone. Well, just with my dad because he's the only one so far I feel has taken steps to support me in getting clean off Suboxone. Sorry for the ranting folks. I'm just another addict striving for sobriety and have a shitty family for support which inevitably will make lasting sobriety much harder to attain.


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 Post subject: Re: Dysfunctional family
PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:51 pm 
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I don't have the family issues you do, but wanted to reply to let you know that you're certainly not alone. My family has no understanding of my addiction, even though they are both alcoholics (my dad functional, my mother not so much). I lost many friends along the way, and I really only have my girlfriend for support. Try to be happy that you have the support that you do. You have your father actively helping you, that's great honestly and more than I will ever have. Unfortunately you are right, some people don't want to understand. My parents know that I'm on suboxone, and I doubt either of them has the slightest clue what it is. Yes, it hurts. Especially because my mother has psych issues and other issues and I care enough to have researched every med that she is on. But try to put your energy into giving back to others instead, it feels a lot better than being angry because the people you care about aren't giving to you. I apologize if I sound preachy. I'm not like that at all, but I have just found that you can't change others. You can't make someone care. So this is where I'm at.


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 Post subject: Re: Dysfunctional family
PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2014 3:22 pm 
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Thanks fullycaffeinated. You're one of a few people so far to recommend focusing efforts to "help others". I've always been sort of selfish in my ways, so maybe it's time to try something different. As in finding sobriety when I finally stop taking Suboxone here soon, I'll have to rediscover myself. Due to my drug addiction, I have lost sense of who I am and what I want and need in life. I guess sobriety in essence is a rebirthing process. I will probably seek some sort of professional advice or counseling in order to know where to start to find myself again. Hopefully, in finding myself again I can make amends with my family and hopefully they will extend a willingness to fix some of the dysfunctionality. If not then I'll have to move on through life the best I can and get emotional support wherever I can find it.


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 Post subject: Re: Dysfunctional family
PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2014 6:19 pm 
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I'm kinda having the same issues. Suddenly I am dealing with so much anxiety. I've been unemployed for six months and now I have a hard time even picking up the phone for a potential interview or going to a dr to discuss this.


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