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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 1:23 am 
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So I have been clean from opiates a lil over 6 months. When I first went on subs I had a lot of cravings, but they were mostly manageable becuase the memories of "dopesick" were really fresh, and you know I had a lot of encouragement, not sure what the exact explanation is, but basically it wasn't too hard to wait unitll the impulse to use passed.
WELL the last two weeks at work, I have put in over 50 hours, which is good, we totally need the $, I have hardly seen my 3yr old son tho, and of course Ive been exuasted. I work in a door/trim shop, finishing, painting, sanding and carrying doors around all day, to catch you up....
ANYWAYS, the other night, I had a dream I took my large paycheck im about to get, and blew the entire thing on dope. Yep, the whole thing. when I woke up I had been completely caught offguard.
As soon as I opened my eyes, my darkside was planning how Icould get away with this and giving reasons why I was entitled to it. :evil:
You deserve it :twisted:
It wont take much to get totally fucked up :evil:
No one will care, they already forgot you got sober :twisted:
you need to let off steam and forget about shit for a day
cmon, itll be fun :twisted:

WHEW,,,,,,,the good thing is I made it. sober date still the same...check
still getting a large paycheck next week, no call made for a draw.....check :lol:
mind in tact,,,,,,NOPE......I gotta build my wall back up again....thankfully these days dont come around a lot.....but like I said in the begining, I didn't see this one coming. and it lasted ALL DAY LONG
goes to show that your addicted mind is ALWAYS on its game and you gotta be too.

I'm going to see a therapist for the first time on tuesday......was seeing a counselor before, but she wasnt an addiction specialist. the lady I see tues is, and certified as addiction spec. or something like that. I wrote a long passage in my journal on this day, so I'll definitely be bringing it. I just thought the severity of cravings would be in the begining..................holy shit was I wrong..... :oops:

drugs lead nowhere,,,,
but it's the scenic route :roll:


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 4:40 am 
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amber4.14.11 wrote:

So I have been clean from opiates a lil over 6 months. When I first went on subs I had a lot of cravings, but they were mostly manageable becuase the memories of "dopesick" were really fresh, and you know I had a lot of encouragement, not sure what the exact explanation is, but basically it wasn't too hard to wait unitll the impulse to use passed.
WELL the last two weeks at work, I have put in over 50 hours, which is good, we totally need the $, I have hardly seen my 3yr old son tho, and of course Ive been exuasted. I work in a door/trim shop, finishing, painting, sanding and carrying doors around all day, to catch you up....
ANYWAYS, the other night, I had a dream I took my large paycheck im about to get, and blew the entire thing on dope. Yep, the whole thing. when I woke up I had been completely caught offguard.
As soon as I opened my eyes, my darkside was planning how Icould get away with this and giving reasons why I was entitled to it. :evil:
You deserve it :twisted:
It wont take much to get totally fucked up :evil:
No one will care, they already forgot you got sober :twisted:
you need to let off steam and forget about shit for a day
cmon, itll be fun :twisted:

WHEW,,,,,,,the good thing is I made it. sober date still the same...check
still getting a large paycheck next week, no call made for a draw.....check :lol:
mind in tact,,,,,,NOPE......I gotta build my wall back up again....thankfully these days dont come around a lot.....but like I said in the begining, I didn't see this one coming. and it lasted ALL DAY LONG
goes to show that your addicted mind is ALWAYS on its game and you gotta be too.

I'm going to see a therapist for the first time on tuesday......was seeing a counselor before, but she wasnt an addiction specialist. the lady I see tues is, and certified as addiction spec. or something like that. I wrote a long passage in my journal on this day, so I'll definitely be bringing it. I just thought the severity of cravings would be in the begining..................holy shit was I wrong..... :oops:

drugs lead nowhere,,,,
but it's the scenic route :roll:



TO AMBER 4-14-11: I am so sorry to hear you have such cravings!! Do you think maybe you are not on enough sub?
I take 4-6 mg. per day and I never have cravings...I don't even think about my doc....It never enters my mind. I forgot if you mentioned how much you were taking but perhaps it is just too low to block out the craving part of your deal. You are right about the senic route though...that was good! Good luck to you..............Judy


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 5:18 am 
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Hey Amber...

Don't freak too much about using dreams and cravings. These are actually necessary parts of our recovery.

There was a period I was clean off all opiates including Suboxone for over a year. I was still getting the occasional using dream over a year after I got clean.

Something I noticed was ... I seemed to get these intermittent periods where my recovery would be "put to the test". I'd get cravings, and often using dreams over a few days. Over those few days I'd be tempted to use, and would use all the tools available to deal with my desire to use. When I'd get through those periods and stay in recovery, my recovery would be stronger for it.

I found though that these periods happened less and less over time, and got shorter and easier to handle. Why then did I relapse? I got involved with a very sick woman in the NA rooms.

Can I just clarify. When you say you are clean off all opiates, is that including Suboxone?

tj


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 8:46 am 
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Thanks evryone for your posts,,,,,,
I AM on suboxone, I take 3 of the 8mg films a day. although sometimes I only take 2, and my doc knows this.
I JUST Got approved for the RB patient assistance. before I was paying almost a third of my take home,,,,,,$245 every two weeks for my suboxone. Im so glad, should be getting the card in mail any day. It will be nice to give my grandma more than 100bux each payday twards the credit card bill I created.
but anyways,,,,,I do see how easy it would be to relapse if you encountered one of these days and didn't have the "tools" avialible to deal with it. I did the best I could, and made it. but like I said, gotta fill my toolbox up agian, hopeful dont have another day like this until then. :roll:
before I was on sub, I was on about 260mg of oxys a day, and the last 2 1/2 yrs of active adiction I was on 160mg of methadone also. I asked the doc about going down to 2 of the 8s a day, he said to try every other day 1st and to save the xtras while im on PAP becuase it only lasts One year.
okay hope I clarified things a lil. I thought I wrote I was on subs, but I was working on getting my mind free about the dreams so I spaced it!!!!!
thanks everybody....... :lol:


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 10:18 am 
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Those dreams are pretty common, but as you saw, it leaves an "after" feeling of intense craving. It's great that you're going to see an addiction specialist. S/he should be able to give you terrific tools to help you deal with triggers and cravings. Yes, suboxone should address what I call the "physical" cravings, but in my opinion, some of us are left with "psychological" cravings, unrelated to having the actual opiate in our brain. I hope that made some kind of sense.

I think it's awesome that your doc is letting you save up some suboxone. Many of us here do that. A lot of doctors won't let patients save up even one freakin' tablet or strip. You should easily be able to go from 24 mg to 16 and probably not notice. I was taking 24 mg a day (for pain control) for a couple of years and went down to 16 without any kind of taper. Just cut out that third day's dose. I never felt any different.

Oh and congrats on getting into the PAP.

Here's to you not having any more dreams!

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 10:38 am 
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Yes using dreams are common. I used to have them when I was still on Oxy, except the dream was always me being out of town and having no oxy. I would be frantically running around trying to find some and all I could ever find was something that needed to be IV'd. I never even snorted my pills in real life so I was always so scared in my dream, eventually I would make the decision to go for it and that's when I'd wake up. It was so real and I would wake up in a panic everytime.

Your brain was testing you and you passed! I see a psychiatrist that is an addiction specialist and I am very happy with him. You are doing all the right things and keep up the good work!


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 1:45 am 
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Hey amber,

Good for you for "telling on your addiction" like you did. Your addiction HATES it when you tell it on like you did. It would rather you keep all that shit a secret so it can build on it and use it against you later.

I'm really glad you're going to a CADC (Certified Addiction and Drug Counselor). I got lucky with my very first CADC, he was a recovering heroin addict with 20 plus years clean and from my very first visit he saw through my bullshit and it shocked the hell out of me......it was just what I needed!!

You are so right when you say that our addict brains are always on their game so we have to be too. I've found that the points in my recovery where I think I'm at my strongest are actually the points where I'm closest to a relapse because at those times I always end up underestimating the power of my addiction while simultaneously overestimating my ability to control my addiction.

Keep up the good work Amber and use your CADC to build and fill a whopper of a toolbox!!

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 Post subject: thankyou everybody
PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 10:23 am 
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I had heard a lot about how things like dreams or other triggers could catch you off guard before I actually experienced it, but never really knew the power of it untill I experienced it!!!
You all are absolutely right..........
But I think it was good for me, now I see how you can think your going along just fine, and get absolutely blindsided!!!
thanks so much for all your words of encouragement,,,,,,that helps too!!!
Talking about it was exactly what I needed to do.
I have a few family members that are supportive,,,,but Im not about to tell them all the details of a day like that. Im not sure they'd understand the IMPORTANT part, that I made it through it.
Just wanted to say thanks for all your support, and letting me vent!! :lol:


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 1:00 pm 
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Good job. I still have dreams where I will "use", but they don't cause cravings anymore. What is weird is I rarely dream about opiates. I will dream about taking ecstasy at a phish show or a rave, or going out to dinner and smoking a joint before. Its weird stuff, but it is what it is. Both are things I commonly used to do, but it had been some time since.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:01 pm 
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For the first time in about a year, I had a using dream last night. In the dream I was using Norco and I noticed I wasn't getting high off of it. I woke up, still pissed because I wasn't getting high, but once I came to my senses I was SO glad that I didn't actually use. I rolled over and went back to sleep. When I woke up this morning, one of the first thoughts in my mind was the dream I had, but I've learned to quickly push that shit out of my head. It's almost automatic for me to push thoughts of using out of my head now. It took a good while to get decent at it, but you can do it if you practice.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 11:08 pm 
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I totally get what you mean, about pushing those thoughts away. my addiction therapist is helping me "learn to process my feelings" which is helping me figure shit out all the way around.
but the other night, I woke up like snorting with my nose,,,,dreaming that I was snorting a pill, so as I woke up I guess I was "finishing" the line.......lol
I didn't really let it get to me this time,,,its getting easier. and the dreams are getting more sparatic which helps. I have noticed they come more frequently if Im stressed out over something. I have been trying to fall asleep to something on tv more mellow, like animal planent rather than Intervention or the first 48.....lol
one night I was having a nightmare bigfoot was chasing me,,,,I woke up straight outta bed breathing hard, the tv was still on animal planet, and it was that show"hunting bigfoot"
that made me laugh and I went back to bed...
lol


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