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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 10:41 am 
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I'll start with a little background. My husband and I are both 26 yrs old and have been togther for 9 years. We got married last year. My husband has alaways had an addictive personality and struggled with addiction to opiates for years. He has been on and off the suboxone 3-4 times. I'd say the suboxone has been prescribed for about 2 years. Its a cycle, I somehow "catch him" taking opiates, then he is so sorry and he will start taking the suboxone again. when we were in Mexico to be married we had a heart to heart and he said no matter what happens, he will be honest with me for now on. Which is all I ask for, I dont expect perfection. I believed him like I always do. He has also tried to hide the fact he is taking the suboxone. It never fails that I find out he has relapsed and lied and he never comes to me first. Well this January he lost his job, which put a lot of stress on him but even more on me. I was now responsible for all the bills and my bank account took a big hit. I started getting frustrated because it seemed he wasn't sacraficing anything like I was and I was the one working! He still would eat out daily, buy lotto tickets, buy his expensive beers. He started working under the table with a friend 6 days a week, 10-12 hours a day. But still he was barely giving me any money towards bills. And when he was home, he was asleep. Literally after 30 sec of sitting on the couch at any time of day, he was asleep. Even if he just woke up from a 10 hour night of sleep. Things weren't adding up. One day I started to notice daily $100 withdrawls from MY personal bank account and i knew something was wrong. I started opening up mail addressed to him. What I found, made me sick, thousands of dollars gone, bills way past due. Joint account of our wedding money drained, cash advances on credit cards. I had a mental breakdown and I've yet to recover from it. I told his mother everything and she took him out of the house to her house. He admitted he was back on Oxicontin. Once again he was so sorry and felt so guilty he was stealing from his own wife. After three days of staying with his mother, he came back to the house. He made that decision on his own, without asking how I felt about it. I have a very anti-confrontational and avoidance type of personality so it's hard for me to talk to him. I'm a swirl of emotions, hurt, mad, depressed, anxious, dissappointed, sad. He says he hasnt taking any drugs and is only taking a quarter of his dose of suboxone. He addmited that he was and is using the suboxone like a crutch. I want him off everything because to me obviously the suboxone isn't working and isnt being used as intended. What I don't get is, if he spent thousands of dollars in a couple of months on Oxicontin and completley quit along with cutting his suboxone dose to a quarter, why isn't he going thru some sort of W/D. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm the one is physically and emotionally sick. My BP is high, can't sleep, and constantly have a feeling in my stomach that something bad is going to happen, cant focus on anything but him and the drugs. While he says he is feeling great. It's been about a week since he says he quit. I can't go on pretending evrything is okay when its not. I just have this feeling in my gut something still isnt right. I'm almost drivin myself crazy being suspicious of everything he does. He still acts very shady to me. He deletes his texts, takes his phone into the bathroom with him. Recently, he must have forgot to delete a text from a friend that read "I should have THOSE any minute" followed by his reply, what do you want to do now. When I confronted him, he says he didnt do anything and i can drug test him if I want and he'll do anything I want him to. Well I asked him to write out a suboxone tapering schedule so I could be involved and know whats going on. He hasnt done it and he keeps his suboxone hidden. I could just be crazy but Ive noticed lately he is always wearing long sleeves and hooded sweatshirts even at home and with his pjs. My biggest fear is that he has switched herion due to it being way cheaper and his mother is making him give me his paycheck (its cash consdidering he is paid under the table) I have no idea if its all of his money or not. He also will work side jobs fixing heaters/ac. I could be completely wrong but I have no trust in him. I cant believe a single word he says anymore. I guess I want to know when enough is enough? I've given him the ultimaduim of me or the drugs one to many times and I told him this is it, the last chance. I've told him to be 100% honest from now on, not perfect. But how do I believe him. I dont feel like I can be supportive anymore, I've tried and tried and I cant seem to help him. Me constantly accusing him of things isnt going to help but I cant go thru this anymore. I feel like a stranger in my own house. I cant go thru one day without crying or breaking down. Am I wrong in thinking that he should be going thru some withdrawl frrom quitting a hundred + dollar a day addiction to oxicontin and cutting his suboxne dose down to a quarter overnight? he is prescribed the 8mg twice a day?? I need help and I appriciate anyone who could offer advise. Sorry if this is long and rambling, but I'm on my last straw here and cant continue my own life with this constant fear and anxiety. Thanks so much


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:08 am 
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Hello hurtin',

First of all, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I want to address a couple things about suboxone first. He's not having withdrawals because even at a 4 mg, it's enough to curb any withdrawals, but doesn't sound like it's near enough to curb his cravings. And making him taper off will just put him at greater risk of relapse again and again. It's my personal opinion that getting him off suboxone is not the right move. Also, being on a low dose of suboxone allows him to use in between doses. He might even be skipping doses to get high. My suggestion is if you can get him to agree to it, YOU dole out his pills and watch him take them at the dose and times he is prescribed. That will address his cravings and block the effects of any opiates he even tries to take.

Now, on to you. I'm so sorry to hear this is stressing you out so very badly. But I don't blame you one bit. It's normal. You trusted him and he has let you down horribly time and time again. I hate to say this, but it might be time for you to consider making a decision and to think of YOU and not him first. Maybe it's time to have him move back in with his mother for a longer period of time.

Know this - he must WANT to clean up his act and get into remission/recovery...we can't force someone to do it. It's not that we addicts want to let our loved ones down. Opiate addiction affects the brain, including impulse behavior and decision making. In the "Why the Anger" section of the index page here there is a thread called "What is addiction". I would suggest you read that and the linked articles that are attached. It might help you understand addiction a bit more.

I hope this helps you some. You probably have more questions, but I wanted to at least start here. So please ask whatever else you need to. Please hang in there. Oh and one more thing - have you considered getting into therapy for yourself? It might help you.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 1:35 pm 
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[font=Century Gothic] First off let me say I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this and that you "ARE" notice i say are and not feel like, you are drowning from your spouses addiction. Secondly I have to say honestly just from reading your story I personally DO NOT thing you are one bit wrong in being suspicious or worried,angry or feeling betrayed, if anything id have to say honey i think you've handled this whole thing quite stoically, id say your one hell of a champ, and it sounds to me like you one hell of a strong woman. That being said, as a recovering addict and a Paramedic, no something does not sound right, he sounds like he is still displaying "active addiction behavior" and i think you have every right to be concerned i think its your womans intuition going crazy and throwing up red flags first and now flashing neon signs. Also No it is damned impossible to quit that kind of habit with no w/d consequences such as severe and debilitating withdrawals, next you tack on top of that starting up his suboxone so quickly would throw him into precipitive withdraws which are 10x's worse than any form of opiate withdraw you would ever go through and then tack on top of that lowering his dose of his subs so quickly would have him withdrawing from the subs which is also an excruciating withdraws in and of itself, in my opinion if he was not currently using a good amount of a fairly "strong" opiate such as you mentioned "heroine" which i think you hit the nail on the head with, he would have probably bought himself a bed in the ER by now without a doubt. He most definitely could not have put his body through that type of purgatory without you noticing, and wake up the next day telling you he feels great and is prancing around the house. I'm gonna have to call "Bullshit" on this one. With what you were saying with the way you were talking about him wearing the long sleeves in the house and the hoodies and wearing long sleeves to bed, i'm sorry sweetheart but it definitely sounds like he may be chasing the red dragon, and someone showed him how much cheaper Heroin is, why else would the long sleeves catch you attention, That would be like my husband suddenly wearing long sleeves around the house when he wears either short sleeves in winter or goes shirtless around the house all year round it would def throw up a red flag. Please don't be hard on yourself, I cant imagine how hard this must be on you, it must be hell for you, but you have no reason to feel bad or feel like your not helping him, hes obviously not ready to get clean yet or hasn't yet hit his rock bottom. As far as the Suboxone you made a good point "he's just not using them correctly" the reason he wanted to taper down to such a low dose so rapidly is either because hes not actually taking them at all and it wont look to bad if your checking the bottle to see if hes really taking them or so that he can still feel something when he continues to use his other drugs, after a relapse like that he should be back up to a higher dose to get him stabilized and to stave off his cravings, he is in no shape yet to be on such a low dose, he may as well be not taking them at all. As hard as this may be and hard to hear, i truly think you need to get him out of your house for good, or at least for a while, so that you aren't constantly worrying about him, and so that maybe you can finally get some peace and begin to work on fixing some of the severe damage he cause you inside. And begin to get :your" life back. Just please DO NOT blame YOURSELF, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, there is nothing you could have done better or differently, you had every right to be suspicious and un- trusting, he did that to you, that was by his own actions that wasn't your fault. I hope it gets batter for you honey, and for your sake i truly hope he hits his rock bottom SOON![/font]

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 3:54 pm 
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Hi hurtinspouse,

It just sucks so bad that you are going through this. I agree with the other posters when they say you sound like a strong woman and it may be time to start worring about YOU instead of him.

I think he could be easily going back and forth between drugs and suboxone though without hellish withdrawl. You only have to be in mild to moderate withdrawl to start suboxone and then you would feel ok. Suboxone is very strong and 2mg may be enough for him to feel ok.

I think it would be bad for him to taper off sub at this point. It would be best if he used it properly for a while so he could have time to get him self together. I have been on it for a year and doing very well. I am still not ready to be off.

I used to hate it when my husband said I was choosing drugs over our family. I never would choose drugs over him and my kids. It just becomes this shitty cycle of using to stay out of withdrawl. And then if you do make it through withdrawl there are months and months of depression, feeling shitty, (PAWS) and for me, wanting to die. So then picking up drugs again because you know for a short while you will feel a little bit better. Addiction sucks for everybody involved.

You sound like a smart loving wife. I hope you take care of your self first.

Come back on here any time if you have questions or maybe have your husband come on here...this is a great place with lots of support.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 2:17 pm 
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your story not unusual although it is sad. i think that you do need to think about yourself before thinking aout his welfre because at this point looking outfor your well being is key. as others have said, he will not get better until bhe chooses to and no amount of begging or threatening or crying will change that. it will make him promise to you that things will change but if he isnt ready in his heart to change then nothing will ever changr long term. in regards to withdrawals i think it sounds like he is using the subs as needed and getting high on the meantime and forcing him to quit the sub will def not make anything better, in fact it may make him start using full time. im not saying you should wash your han ds of your husband but i do think that you need to get his family more involved because you cant tackle addiction on your own, you will need support for yourself and for your husband.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 1:08 am 
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Hi hurtin -

I'm so sorry that you're going through this awful time right now. As I read your post I just kept seeing all those red flags that your husband is sending up...and I think you see them too. From what you describe, he is behaving like someone in the throes of active addiction. Unfortunately, in that state you just can't reason with him or trust that he will do the right thing.

Right now I hope that you will seek out and find some support for yourself. Addiction impacts everyone in the family, not just the addict...and spouses tend to get the worst of it. I can only imagine how hurt and betrayed and confused and angry you must be feeling right now. I would really encourage you to seek out other people who have been down this road and who can help you deal with your situation in a way that protects your health and sanity.

Alanon and Naranon are groups for the families & loved-ones of addicts & alcoholics. They have meetings everywhere and they are free. They can help you understand the disease of addiction and how living with an addict effects your life, and they can help you figure out how to set healthy boundaries with your husband. As I'm sure you know, he is the only one who can help himself right now...you can't do it for him. But you can help yourself - that's the good news. At the very least you will meet some other people who know and understand what you're going through.

Another good resource is The Junkie's Wives Club. This is an online group that was started by a woman who is married to a heroin addict. She had an amazing blog called The Junkie's Wife which she doesn't update any more but it's still there for people who want to read about her journey. Anyway, The JWC is a great group and I highly recommend checking it out.

And of course, we are here for you as well. Please don't think that I'm trying to send you away or anything - not at all. If there's anything I can do or if I can answer any questions...please don't hesitate to ask. I just wanted to give you some resources that are more tailored to what you're going through right now. Please take care and let us know how you're doing.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:04 pm 
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I want to thank all of you for your kind and encouraging words. I've truely gotton a better understanding and the courage to stand up. I'm off work today and I plan to write a "final letter" so to speak. It's gonna take me a while and probably quite a few tears, no feelings spared. I want to write everthing I think and feel from years of this addiction and let him make the choice. I do feel, no matter how bad it will hurt, I have the stregth to walk away if things wont change. I wont try not to hurt his feelings. It would be easier if I hated him but I dont. I'm willing to post my letter here if anyone (addict or family) would care to read it.

A special thanks to the suggestion of the Junkie's Wives Club, also a great support!


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 1:24 pm 
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I guess everything that can be said has been said here, but I just wanted to add my support. It's true that being on a low dose of Sub is enabling him to stop and use when he wants. If he were to take his full dose (and IMO he should) his receptors would be so saturated that he would have to stop for three days or so to use successfully, and even then drugs might not have the full effect.
But the real issue here is you, and I fully understand this would be easier if you hated him, but you don't. As long as he has your wages, your bank account, and someone tom take him in, he doesn't have a lot of incentive to get clean. Sadly, youre probably going to have to watch him suffer quite a bit before the pain of getting clean becomes less than the pain of using.

Stay strong. You have alot of healing of your own to do. I wish you both all the best.
Lilly


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