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 Post subject: dirty little secrets
PostPosted: Wed May 25, 2016 7:23 pm 
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Many times I've found myself dope sick over the last 13 years. Every time has been a little different but the depression has always seemed to stay the same. I've grown kind of fond of it in my own sick little way. I really believe I have found little fragments of who I truly am in these trying times "as I'm sure some of you also have" these times have by far been the most creative for journaling. . That is up to about two years ago then something clicked. All the little pieces I was discovering started to slide into place. I was told once Your only as sick as your secret's, But wait I don't have secret's I'm never alone. Then I thought what if the secrets are simply things I'm ashamed of. Things that only my closes friends know. After all for a small town southern boy. Being brought up by Baptist parents super strict dad a cop. Mom stay at home gossip with the other ladies everyday. Then suddenly when I was eleven out of the blue divorce. Dad gone didn't see him again until I was in my mid 30s. Mom now frequents the bars nightly in search of prince charming. She never found him but she did kiss a lot of frogs. Her kids well we were left to our own raising. Yeah that didn't work out to good. At twelve we moved to a shit hole trailer park. That's where I found out about porno liquor weed and even coke yep at 12. The only good thing that came from there is to this day my long time best friend who gave me an old flat top he stole. I still have it and hell he even still comes on the road with me when he can. So I basically flunked out of school. Running the roads all night didn't afford much room for school. So at 16 I quit to my teachers relief. Besides we were playing parties every weekend at houses then colleges making beer money plus the perks of ALL THE PRETTY GIRLS. Well dear ole mom didn't see it that way. She put her foot down go to school or get out!!! I did the only thing any self respecting derelict would do left. Bummed around a few weeks got a job sweating and bleeding for 5 bucks an hour. I just could not for the life of me settle for that to much work so I saved as much as I could all summer and Oct 1 1982 a friend and myself left N.C. for good. Driving west for 3 or 4 days without really stopping we landed right smack in the middle of it. L.A. Sunset strip. I tell you that only to help you understand the moral values that were instilled in me from birth. They are still here but buried all so deep. I believe now that my subconscious haunted my every conscious thought. Driving me deeper into my addictions. I've ran from myself for 38 years only to wind up looking right square in my own eyes. 6 months ago I starred Lucifer eye to eye. Alone in a motel room in a city that time has forgotten. At that time I had been completely strung out on heroin for 8 years or more. Right then I had my moment of clarity. I felt so low so horrible so embarrassed dirty guilty. The tears started to well up slowly in my eyes. Standing there looking into my tired road worn eyes. Where once stood a mighty rock god. I saw for the first time in years. That scared little boy looking back at me in that mirror. The same boy I hadn't seen for 39 years. I must of stood there an hour lost in thought crying like a little baby. Did I feel sorry for myself? Or did I realize who I had become? Or did I finally realize who I should of been all along. That night I received more of those tiny fragments. I decided that night when we get back to the states. I'm getting cleaned up or I'm going to die trying. A few weeks later out of nowhere a friend called. I'm two days into a nasty kick. Heard my voice and she hung up. I don't blame her for being disgusted with me hell I am to. I must of passed out for a few I don't know to this day but when I came to she was there. Except this time instead of a big ole shot of Mexican tar she hands me this little orange piece of what I thought was paper. She says here put this under your tongue and don't swallow it just let it soak in ok with me hell my mouth was sand dry anyway. Then she laughs as she cleans up a little for me. Telling me in a little bit those withdrawals will be long forgotten. I thought she had lost her mind or that she thought I had lost mine. But damned if I didn't slowly start to get better. She hung around a few days and kept me loaded on her supply and even left me four or five. A few days later she called to inform me she was to see her doc and did I want an appointment? About an hour goes by when she calls back. She says don't worry we're coming around lunch. So they show talk to doc briefly about suboxone. Got script for 90. Talked rest of afternoon about partying and music. Turns out this guy grew up listening to our music hell he knows the words better than I do. I really did enjoy his company so I invited him and his wife over the next weekend to meet the rest of the guys. I don't think either of them have ever seen anything like what they were getting ready to. But from the look on their faces they loved every minute. Sorry I got lost but all this plays a huge role later. This guy completely changes my life and I didn't even see it coming. Getting late here so I will continue later.


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 Post subject: Re: dirty little secrets
PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2016 1:33 am 
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I don't know whether this is a drug history, a biography, or pure poetry, but I must admit that I am hooked. Tell us how the doc helped change the pieces into a whole being. I've only read two of your three posts so far. You have Kerouac stream of consciousness way of writing that is part baffling and part tease. It makes me want to know more though, so I'm waiting.

Addiction is the great equalizer. There are no secrets that can really shock us. We've all been to the depths or we have heard the tales from them. Whether you're famous or not, we don't care about that here. Hanging onto anonymity is our prerogative and our gift to each other.

You're done with sub now, I think. Going through the process or tapering or withdrawal? Let us know how to help.

Amy

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 Post subject: Re: dirty little secrets
PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2016 10:24 am 
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Great story so far!

Like Amy said, we've all got stories of our journey, some worse than others and some down right terrible until finding suboxone. All journeys are different but still kinda the same. We connect with each other through sharing our experiences.

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Jennifer


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