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PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:08 pm 
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****LAST NIGHT ON SUBS****

The way I see it, I have two choices. 1) I can remain on suboxone the rest of my life and live "comfortably"....never challenging myself and never pushing past the chaos I've allowed into my life...basically giving up and letting myself be controlled by a little orange strip or 2) Make it through my journey detoxing off suboxone and find out just what I am made of....what exactly is the reason I'm on this earth? Sure the past several years I've been on suboxone have been "great." I don't have the horror stories others have....suboxone has legitimately helped me straighten my life out. I've kicked methadone, found the love of my life, gotten married, had a baby, mended several relationships in my family that were ruined by my addiction, finished college at the ripe age of 28, managed to keep an amazing job for the last two years, etc. It's the MOST stable I have EVER been in my entire 30 years of my life. So why do I want to disturb the peace you might ask? Plenty of people stay on suboxone or plan to stay on suboxone for the rest of their lives and I for one am not passing judgement on ANYONE who wants to do this....each person has different circumstances and they have the right to choose their own path. Me, personally.....after 12+ years letting substances control my life......I'm waving the white flag....I surrender.....with God's help EVERY step of the way, I plan to kick this "miracle drug" to the curb and start fresh. Suboxone has been a HUGE blessing in many ways but I will continue to chase that euphoria if I don't put a stop to it, indefinitely. After tapering for many many months....jumping, relapsing, going crazy for a few weeks....here I am....I'm just....done.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared....I'm horrified! The last time that I lived 100% sober for any length of time was probably my freshman year in HIGH SCHOOL! That's just SO sad! I think of my daughter and I think of all the things I saw growing up....I just want better for her! I'm afraid of what the sober me is going to look like, and how long it's going to take to get there and feel "normal" (the new normal). My husband doesn't really know the sober me.....heck, I don't know the sober me anymore! But, I'm done making excuses....I want more out of my life. Jesus didn't die for me to survive one day at a time....He died so that I would enjoy my life in abundance each and every day that I'm breathing....well here it goes....

"God I am so sorry that I once again let this drug get the better of me but this is it, I've jumped before and failed BUT not again....regardless of what I'm about to face I'm moving forward without ANY guilt or condemnation....this a NEW journey and this time I WILL succeed with your help! God I thank you for fighting this battle for me....I thank you for your sacrifice and for your fearless strength. I know you are watching over me and you are going to be one step ahead the entire time! I don't have to worry about tomorrow because I have already won, thanks to you!!! I know that I will face some difficult days, and that the mind is the battlefield for me through this....but I WILL be victorious.....with any temptation/difficulties you ALWAYS equip me with what I need and you ALWAYS supply a way out. God I thank you for not giving up on me and I thank you for this victory! I pray that I'm able to connect with others making this journey and I hope that my story will somehow help others along the way! In Jesus name I pray, AMEN."


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 2:19 am 
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Only you can do it...and why not?

I'm fully expecting to be able to stop Subutex when the time comes, no questions. I struggled with alcohol for 12 years and now haven't had a drink for four and a half years. There was a time when I thought that was impossible. I think most folks had given up on me as well? You have to expect to succeed? Or else your beaten before you start??

I think listening to you you will do fine. You've went through it before, you know what the pitfalls were, where you relaplesd. That will give you strength as it won't be a surprise and you can be prepared for it this time. You HAVE to be prepared for it this time.

Good luck :)


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 6:10 am 
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Shameless wrote:
****LAST NIGHT ON
I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared....I'm horrified! The last time that I lived 100% sober for any length of time was probably my freshman year in HIGH SCHOOL! That's just SO sad! I think of my daughter and I think of all the things I saw growing up....I just want better for her! I'm afraid of what the sober me is going to look like, and how long it's going to take to get there and feel "normal" (the new normal). My husband doesn't really know the sober me.....heck, I don't know the sober me anymore! But, I'm done making excuses....I want more out of my life. Jesus didn't die for me to survive one day at a time....He died so that I would enjoy my life in abundance each and every day that I'm breathing....well here it goes....


Hello "Shameless"! I love your username- when my first child was born, I vowed to try and raise my kids to feel as little "guilt or shame" as I possibly could. Plenty of KNOWLEDGE, but no guilt or shame.(Plenty of both were heaped on me- much of the reason I turned to drugs and alcohol for comfort).

I feel you today, I really do. You can and will do this- the first couple days can be a little rough, but not as bad as you think. Keep focusing on the positive, and you will start to feel improvements as you go along, and once you have made the decision as it seems you have, yes, with God's help you can and will do this. Get mentally tough- be a fighter- fight for your daughter- she deserves a mother who is 100% clear- fight for yourself- you deserve to experience every new moment with your family entirely "engaged".

I understand the subs can be a lifesaver and a force for good for many people, and it definitely sounds like they did the trick for you, but once you want them "gone" and can't manage to stop, they become a tool of the "enemy". Keep breathing and posting (if you feel for it- it if helps you), and there is nothing keeping the "enemy" in your body except "time" and "time" (and GOD) are on your side. The enemy will be "long gone" in just a matter of days...one day at a time.

Praying for you today!!
BF

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 10:05 am 
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*Day 1: Morning Check In*

Well I woke up after the best night sleep I've had in a VERY VERY long time. I think my decision to jump actually rested my mind enough to relax and get some sleep. I woke up this morning without being cranky and groggy, which is a HUGE blessing! So far so good, but I kinda knew that would be the case....Its only day one of course :). I've made my daughter and I breakfast, played the Wii U, watched a little Netflix, and now I'm relaxing on the couch.....I did A LOT of chores yesterday so I could take it easy for a few days, so that's what I plan to do. I know that if I can get a day under my belt I'll have my momentum back. I just worry a bit because my brother and his partner rented a beach house and they want us to visit tomorrow. The last time I jumped I went out on the water on day 2 and I was pretty miserable....I just don't want to be Debby Downer....going through withdrawals brings back A LOT of emotions of who I was in the past, when I was abusing pills. I don't like thinking about it and I don't like feeling like I'm acting the same way I used to (lazy, emotional, selfish, etc.). I know I HAVE to give myself time to heal, and unfortunately that may mean that I will have to face a few things from my past.....but I will NOT let it get the best of me. I am a different person now, I will NEVER go back to how I used to be years and years ago......


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 12:01 pm 
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How are you feeling today? Good luck, CC


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 1:32 pm 
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Hi Shameless, I had the exact same experience once I decided to suddenly get off Subs last Thursday -- got an impulse to toss out my last pills, and did it without hesitation. I felt a lot calmer after that decision.

Good luck with your detox.

-- ji

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:38 am 
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Hey Shameless-
How's it going? You have one day under your belt, right? - you've done it! You are 'independent' today!! Just put "one foot in front of the other" and focus on getting through "today" sub free. Do you have help with your daughter? I would have struggled to take care of others on my day 2, but if you do have to be a "mom" today, I'm sure "mother love" will pull you through.
Still praying for you!
BF

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 2:01 am 
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Mom's seem to be well (if not over) represented in successful sub quittage. At least one's that want to be best moms possible. It reminds me of stories of women whose child was trapped under a car wheel, getting enough "power" (thru adrenaline rush I assume) to lift cars so their child could be removed. They have extra motivation to "power" through WDs. I never confirmed if the car stories are true by going on snopes or anything, but it seems likely, since I have moved smaller cars with the help of a few other guys, as a prank on car owner, and no adrenaline was involved.

I also just remembered this clip from the movie, "The Crow" (plot setting of movie, is city where I was born and partially raised in).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2RD0A_iciI


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 2:12 am 
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Cars. Hangin' my hat near Motown. Hrm. Almost 'shoo_be_doop':

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1XRU18dtbU


interesting lyrics:


The edge of night
distract yourself
obstacles don't work
homogenize, decentralize
it's just a quirk

different ways
to see you through
all the same
in the end


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 9:10 am 
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Well, unfortunately after my whole theatrical "I'm jumping off subs and NEVER looking back," I looked back. We woke up yesterday and my brother had already started texting about us coming to the beach house. All I could think about was how in the world am I going to fake it through the day? No one knows I'm on subs except my hubbie (my family wasn't really supportive the first time so I opted not to say anything). And then I thought about my daughter....she DESERVED a perfect day at the beach....it's not HER fault I am where I am.....so I caved. That doesn't mean I'm giving up though....it just means we start over now.....and we r going to have a ceremonial burning of the suboxone stash :). I just feel so selfish this summer....I've felt like its been all about me and I'm not going to be much fun for a while....and I hate my daughter has to be here for it all. I don't really have anyone to take her for a week....well let's rephrase that, I DO have family but none that are willing to take her for a bit.....the only sister that would do that lives 6 hours away. Anyways, today is a new day and I'm going to do my best to stay positive and NOT think about whats to come. We stayed at the beachhouse over 12 hours and we were out on the beach for 6-7 hours yesterday and it was FANTASTIC! I haven't seen my daughter that happy and content in a while. Although I HATE that I gave in, I'm glad I did.....I wouldn't have lasted in withdrawal, it would have been miserable.

Thanks to everyone who's checked in! I REALLY appreciate the support!!!

$&#%^SHAMELESS^%#&$


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 9:42 am 
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Shameless wrote:
the only sister that would do that lives 6 hours away.


$&#%^SHAMELESS^%#&$

Hi Shameless,
No shame in starting again fresh! I love that you are going to burn the subs- then no turning back!
Just my opinion, but if you have the option (even to send her 6 hours away) to get your daughter out of the house for like the first 4 days at least, I think it will just make the jump so so much easier for you. Even after telling my kids I 'had the flue", it took quite a bit of energy from an already zapped source just to "pretend" I was not in withdrawals around them. In order to get well and be the mama she deserves, you have to be very very selfish during your jump and get through it successfully. After Day 3, I sent my kids on a "vacation" with their Grandparents for 4 days, and it was much much easier with them out of the house, and when they returned I was "ready" and so happy to see them! They did not suffer at all (in fact had a blast), and I was able to use all my energy to heal.
Just something to think about. If you want this badly enough, you will do it no matter what the circumstances. Thanks for checking in!!
:D BF

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 10:26 am 
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I know that what your suggesting would help...but I don't know how to randomly call my sister and ask her to take my daughter for a week without any reasoning behind it....and honestly, I'm afraid of what I might do without her around. I know it's going to be rough, but the thought of sending her away makes me feel even worse....maybe I AM being selfish....I know it would be better for HER to get away for a bit. Honestly, she's about the only reason I've gotten through the last six months without being a whining sniffling little baby.....sometimes having someone around helps keep my strong face on which stops me from falling into that self pity pit. Idk....maybe I should give my sister a call....the first time I jumped went REALLY REALLY well physically but I was an emotional wreck and I was overwhelmed with guilt from my past and fear of who i was going to be now......I felt like I was awful to be around and it wasn't fair to my daughter.....but I don't know what to do to fix that. It's going to be a HUGE red flag if I call my sister......


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 11:13 am 
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Shameless wrote:
I know that what your suggesting would help...but I don't know how to randomly call my sister and ask her to take my daughter for a week without any reasoning behind it....and honestly, I'm afraid of what I might do without her around. I know it's going to be rough, but the thought of sending her away makes me feel even worse....maybe I AM being selfish....I know it would be better for HER to get away for a bit. Honestly, she's about the only reason I've gotten through the last six months without being a whining sniffling little baby.....sometimes having someone around helps keep my strong face on which stops me from falling into that self pity pit. Idk....maybe I should give my sister a call....the first time I jumped went REALLY REALLY well physically but I was an emotional wreck and I was overwhelmed with guilt from my past and fear of who i was going to be now......I felt like I was awful to be around and it wasn't fair to my daughter.....but I don't know what to do to fix that. It's going to be a HUGE red flag if I call my sister......

How about a "friend"? How old is your daughter again? Does she have a best friend? Could you say you have something "work" related and need someone to watch her for a few days? Or just say you have the flue and need "help"? But if it will make you stronger and make it "easier" then for heavens sake keep her near. You sound stronger than I was. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids, but trying to be "mama" and getting through dope sickness at the same time was extremely draining, even for the few days I had them during my first week. Now on day 10, I would not consider sending them away because I am "back". Do what is best for YOU!
Keep posting!
BF

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 8:11 pm 
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Well, here I am AGAIN :)

After a few days of "fun," my family and I just enjoyed a bonfire, s'mores, and the burning of my sub stash (approximately 50 8mg strips!). My daughter asked what I was doing as I threw them in the fire one at a time, "having a memorial service," I said sarcastically. This REALLY is it....no more going back, no more justifications, no more SUBOXONE! While I was praying and talking to the big guy today I realized something pretty profound. In my 30 years of living, I ALWAYS find the easy way out of things....ALWAYS! I'm a professional at side-stepping problems and pretending they never existed. Just because I got my life together and finally became a functional member of society, I had fooled myself into believing that I had worked through the past. When I jumped a few weeks ago and all the skeletons in my closet decided to attack at once, I completely panicked....it pained me to think about my past and who I used to be. Like I always do, I decided to take the easy way out and I started suboxone again "its just for today.....just to get out of my head and relax a little....after almost a week clean I "deserved" it!" What an idiot!

Well, somehow I'm going to learn how to dig deep and power through the next few weeks. My first go around went very smoothly, physically speaking....unfortunately, after bingeing for a couple weeks, I don't think this time around is going to be a cake walk. But honestly, I don't care anymore. I don't care how intense it's going to be....I don't care how many days its going to last....I don't care which symptoms I'm going to experience/not experience....I'm just done. I have made sure that my next two weeks are obligation free....no excuses this time. I'm going to do my best to exercise every morning, do some chores every day, relax in a bathtub several times a day, and focus on the journey (where I'm headed, not where I've been.). I know the mind is the battlefield, so I'm going to step it up and refuse to let ANY negativity enter my mind, body, or spirit. The way I see it.....compared to how I've lived for the past 10 years....it's all UPHILL from here.....regardless of how awful I may or may not feel this coming week, it has to be better than living with sub goggles on. I'm genuinely excited to see the world again....to REALLY see it! I can't wait to enjoy a sleepover with my daughter....sober! I can't wait to experience a date night with my hubbie....sober! Every single life experience I have from now until I die will be SOBER! I have let pills and euphoria rule my life far too long! I can do this!!! Suboxone is NOT my friend....at least not anymore!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 9:47 am 
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How are you doing today and what mg did you jump from? I hope you were successful!!

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2014 1:28 pm 
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You sound as ready as one can be to do this for good this time, and it seems like you have a pretty good mindset, so I think you'll be successful in your jump and staying of subs this time. Have you any other recovery tools in place to help you when you're feeling like you "deserve one more hoorah" or have cravings or are dealing with stressors or triggers, Ie; meetings, therapy, meditation etc? I only ask because, stopping, as you know, is one thing, staying stopped is something else.


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