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 Post subject: dealing with triggers
PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 5:37 pm 
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Hello everyone,

I debated on whether or not to post this, but decided that I really wanted to share and get advice and support from the group that's already been so helpful and caring to me from my very 1st post.

as a small money making venture, I decided to become a registered toy poodle breeder,I've had these dogs as pets for a few years, and everyone that saw them would ask where to get one or if I raised them. sooooo, turns out that I've got a knack for raising these little guys!

Well under normal circumstances, the veterinarian would give vaccinations to them, but I used to give my other dogs their shots and it's sooo much less expensive to do it yourself, and since I'm selling this litter, I bought the shots and administered them myself. Great idea. .. right?

WRONG! As I uncapped the syringes, I got a wave of nauseating butterflies in my stomach, my hands began to shake, and I broke a sweat!
Drawing up those shots, I quickly realized was massively triggering! After I gave them the shots, I literally had to sit down and collect myself. Crazy right?

My question is, does this get better? I'm almost one year off the drugs/dope, and I've seen images on the net and TV, that I thought were triggering, but this was like a sudden massive sense of panic, an all over icky feeling that I can't adequately describe/articulate. Has anyone else dealt with this sort of thing? What did you do? Obviously, I need to be able to move past this if I intend to continue with this new hobby/small business venture.

Any input fellow members?

Elizabeth


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 8:04 pm 
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Liz... Well I read your post and as I did this popped into my head:before you start with the shots, put a dose of your sub in your mouth. The taste of the sub may just put you into a "this is my job" mode.. Your these doggies mom and caretaker. Other than that I have to anything else. I didn't deal with injecting when I used. But straws an CD cases flip me out now and then. No joke..

Good luck with your new hobby and we are big dog people here at home. Have two.

Raz......


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 8:39 pm 
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Thanks razor, that's a pretty great idea! I hadn't even thought of that. Funny you should mention straws, because when I first started taking suboxone, I was rummaging through some drawers and cupboards looking for something, don't remember what now, but found a couple cut up straws, and had a similar experience, but I think because I was still so happy about finding sub and not chasing anymore, it didn't phase me like this did. That, and with the shots, I actually had to handle the syringes, draw up the liquid, etc. It felt eerie! I guess my big lesson here is, I'm always gonna be an addict, and can't let my guard down. .. ever! I'm thankful to be on bupe, though, cause if I wasn't. .. who knows?

Yea, I love my little dogs too, turns out that I'm making a pretty decent dime too! It is sad to see them go when I sell them though. It takes awhile for the whole litter to sell cause I'm so picky about who I'll let take one. although I do admit, it's also a bit of a relief too, ,,,,, those babies are a lot of work!


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2014 1:44 pm 
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Lol straws and CD cases....you just gave me a nip raz.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 3:15 am 
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Triggers are a big part of recovery whether you're on sub or not. I used to believe they were a good thing - that the more you learn to confront triggers and not reinforce them by caving into the urge to use, the easier they get to handle. I'm not so sure now.

My experience over my time on Suboxone was that the triggers only subsided temporarily when my dose of Suboxone was increased. Then gradually as I grew accustomed to the new dose the triggers would edge their way back into my life. Also the amount I craved / got triggered depended on how high the levels of Sub were in my body. ie I was at my most vulnerable in the mornings before my next dose.

Recovery without Sub is a bit different. The urges and cravings in the first 30-60 days were almost crippling, and so difficult to keep myself from acting on that I had to put myself in a long term rehab facility. By 90 days "clean" however I felt I'd built enough momentum in my recovery, that what were once cravings had largely just become just thoughts. By then I could say with some certainty that I'd grown out of the obsession to use, and could go about my day without worrying about cravings and using. Now at 10 months post-Suboxone, I get the occasional trigger bringing about urges. But their intensity is nowhere near what they were both on Suboxone and in the early months after Suboxone. And consequential thinking always kicks in. In my case, I just remember where using lands me - homeless, destitute, suicidal - and I carry on with my day.

What triggers me exemplifies the insanity of addiction. I read in the newspaper about a recent spate of heroin overdoses from a pure batch on the streets, and my head immediately thinks "fuck wouldn't mind some of that". That's just nuts! And when I was on Suboxone I did interferon to cure my hep C, needing to inject myself in the stomach weekly. There I was being triggered to use by a treatment I was taking to cure myself of a disease given to me by my using. Go figure?


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2014 11:40 am 
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Thanks for your reply teejay! I've been reading your posts here for a long time now, even before I joined, so glad you chimed in on my question. You've really been through some struggles, and it's fantastic to read your updates now, and see how well you're doing.


You're right, the very things that are the worst aspects about drugs/using are sometimes the ones that make us go, "hmmm I wonder?" I haven't had to increase my dose or anything, I hadn't even considered it, and that's OK with me. My dose is right where I'm comfortable, not to high, not way low. You mentioned feeling vulnerable first thing in the morning before your dose when you took sub. I don't have any sense of needing to take a dose or of it wearing off, so I'm lucky in that way. I don't feel that I've taken anything at all when I dose. These feelings or thoughts I get from time to time are just thoughts and feelings, so I'm learning to let them pass, although, some have had more effect than others on me. I never thought twice about giving the pups their shots and BAM, I got that weirdo feeling... but ya know what? It's just a feeling,or a thought, it won't kill me, and I just let it go away.

I'm getting better at playing the tape through, so to speak, like teejay said, if I'm gonna remember that high. .. then I gotta remember I never really FELT high for years before I quit, just broke my neck and bank account trying to stay not sick, hurt my family, lied, always ran out, ended up broke, and it started all over again.....that miserable cycle.... and it only takes a few seconds for what could be a disastrous thought/feeling... to go away!


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