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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 10:00 am 
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55 days off of opes
38 days off of subs

The last 2 days have been pretty depressing actually and it has me somewhat alarmed. I'm not actually looking to use anything, mind you. I still feel pretty good physically and I'm so far along now that I'm not screwing that up. But I just get so empty sometimes, like my work and life routine is just so damn boring and I'm not as happy as I could be.

And that scares me I guess, because I know a lot of reasons why I did drugs for so long was to deal with that empty feeling. But after such a long period of time, I blamed drug use for having that empty feeling. That feeling has dissipated during this recovery time, as I've actually felt like I was accomplishing something. But, I don't know, the past couple of days I find myself asking what am I accomplishing?

I'm still in basically the same work and life routine with my daughter and all, I'm still bowling a couple nights a week, in different leagues where I'm not with around 100 of my friends every week. I'm still dealing with the same bullshit my job brings to me. I'm still not all that happy or at least I've been thinking that recently.

I know there are many people who eventually relapse because they feel this way. And I know that even though it feels like a lifetime ago that I've done any pills, it's still not even 2 months yet and I'm still in the 'candidate for relapse' area. I'm not going to go back to percs or vikes or subs. Absolutely not. I'm just wondering if maybe there are still depression issues or emptiness feelings after a certain period of time recovering.

Sobriety has really opened my eyes to a lot of things but now I'm worried that the honeymoon is starting to be over, I guess. Is there a honeymoon stage for everything in life? Is that just the way my brain functions? Is there anything that can sustain a long-term happiness? Does it have to be a drug? Or are we just human beings that always need something new to make us happy?

I still encourage everyone to try it out though. Drugs aren't the answer and I know they have worn out their welcome hundreds of times over. I just wonder what the alternatives are when shit just gets to be too much.

On to getting through another day. Which I will.

Charlie

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 10:30 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]hi there...reading your post got me thinking about a thread that was started not too long ago. A week ago maybe??? It was someones thoughts on recovery and AA. They described this "hole", that I could relate to 100%. It's like a hole that nothing in this world can ever fill but drugs. And that scares the shit out of me. But what I do notice~is that the more time that goes by, the smaller that hole seems to get. I have good days and bad days, but all in all, it does keep getting better. I try to think about all of the things that I lost in active addiction. There is no way that I want to go back down that road. And you sound like you don't want to either.

My best advice for you is to do what you just did. Talk about it. Get it out of your head. When things sit inside my head for too long, I start to dwell on them. Women are talkers by nature, so we are pretty good at finding someone to listen to us until we feel better. Maybe you can find a friend that doesn't mind listening to whats bugging you. I know that I don't mind reading what you have to say, and I am sure that noone else on here does either. But sometimes when we have someone face to face, it makes such a big difference. There is contact, physical and eye contact. You can see them listening, and see how they react, etc...

One thing that I attribute to my staying clean, is my therapist. Do you have one? If not, have you thought about getting one? They are great for bouncing things off of. They have no personal emotions towards us, and they can give us an objective point of view on things. Sometimes, all we need is for them to listen to us, without feedback. If you don't have one, maybe consider it? I don't know, it helps me a lot. I don't see her like I used to. I used to go every two weeks. But once the issues were taken care of, I just go on an as needed basis. Like if something crops up. So, I'm not saying that you would have to go every week or even every month. Just as you need. Just a thought.

In response to another question you had, I do think that most people are unhappy from time to time in their lives. We all go through phases where we wonder if we should have more than we do, or should have done more with our lives than we have done. I know that I do. This is a great time to take an inventory of all of the things that we DO have. All of the people that we have. All of the people that love us, and that we love. I go through these phases where get sorta bummed out sometimes too.

Try to keep your head up. You are gonna make it! [/font]

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 11:49 am 
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I can totally relate to what youre saying. Right around the same amount of time off all opiates as you I was feeling the same way. Then the opportunity to get a bunch of Roxis presented itself, and I really wanted to "feel that feeling" again or take a little vacation from life. I didn't do it, but ended up going back on Subs instead. And now I regret that decision. This is the ultimate challenge of sobriety, once all the drugs are out of our system, and we're over the tapering and withdrawals and all the drama. It's just living life on life's terms. It's hard. I think normal people feel this way too, but addicts always have that little voice telling them to escape.
All I can suggest is hold on. Enlist some support if you can- a friend, a therapist a group or whatever. Do you do anything to actively work on your recovery? If not, you will probably need to. I think a lot of us feel like when we get off the drugs all the problems are going to be solved and life will be great. But life is just life. It has it's ups and downs. And all the problems weren't caused by the drugs after all.
Keep posting, and hang in there,
Lilly


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 12:01 pm 
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seaonasdad wrote:

I know there are many people who eventually relapse because they feel this way. And I know that even though it feels like a lifetime ago that I've done any pills, it's still not even 2 months yet and I'm still in the 'candidate for relapse' area. I'm not going to go back to percs or vikes or subs. Absolutely not. I'm just wondering if maybe there are still depression issues or emptiness feelings after a certain period of time recoverin




well,, for one thing, your STILL sober, so your doing great!!!! Dont forget that part.

and the reason I quoted you here, is something really stuck out to me........................

"candidate for relapse"

you will ALWAYS be a CANDIDATE FOR RELAPSE
sorry, but if your an addict,,,,,, you will ALWAYS be in this 'class'
and its really good not to forget it. Im not saying it WILL HAPPEN, Im saying it COULD. and it has more of a chance, if you THINK IT WONT.

we have to constantly remind ourselves, of what got us sober in the first place. FIVE YEARS could go by, and something happens, and lets say you think you can 'control it' cuz its been five years,.
well, we ALL know how the story ends.

AS for your current issue, Id say do what you can to shake the deppression, I know easier said than done.
I would agree 100 % that there is somewhat of a 'honeymoon' phase to everything!!!!
I sure felt it, when I started suboxone therapy.

Is there any NEW hobby you'd like to try???
but never had the time or money??? is ther anything your daughter would like to do with you,, as an activity or something?
any of these things might help.

I truely believe we have to do something for our recovery EVERY DAY. if not, than thats one day closer to a relapse.

Just my opinion.

And Im not trying to be an ass, or anything like that, with the quote,,,,,,,,
I just really wanted to point that out. Your doing so good dude!!!!!!
And I want it to continue!!!!!!! :wink:

Hang in there,
we are all here for ya :wink:

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http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 12:09 pm 
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Yeah, life can be a grind at times. I do think that once we have the basics covered (a job, health ok, fairly stable, etc.) we have to find something in life to do that brings us personal fullfillment. That's not to say that we will always feel happy, because happiness will always come and go, but if you are working at something that is fullfilling that will get you through the not-so-happy times.

My grandmother, who was awesome, used to say to me: If you can't be happy, at least be useful. She meant stop feeling sorry for myself and do something to give back to others, to help out people less fortunate. This works for me, I have a deep need to feel needed, to feel like I belong to something bigger than myself. And doing volunteer work really helps me keep things in perspective about exactly how bad my life isn't.

Volunteering may or may not be the thing that works for you, but I'm sure there is something out there that will help you feel that life is meaningful. I hope you find it, I'm glad you know it's not in a pill bottle.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 3:47 pm 
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seaonasdad wrote:
Or are we just human beings that always need something new to make us happy?


That is it right there. I read this thing yesterday that was the top 5 advice people know but do not follow and number 3 was "don't get comfortable". You have to constantly be asking yourself, Is this what I need? Is this what I want? Is this what I desire? And if it means changing careers, great then you have something to work towards. I know that for me at least I am lazy and don't want to deal with change. I don't want to make my car shiny. I don't want to look for a new job. I don't want to ditch my friends for new ones. But unfortunately in this life here on Earth we are constantly having to change. It is what gives this life meaning, pleasure, excitement, reward. There is no such thing as comfort without depression. It is because you are stagnant. That's why rich people are grumpy maybe? You said to always find time for something new. You know what you have to do. Don't get caught up in this, tomorrow is a new day.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 9:58 pm 
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Hey Chazz,

It looks like your "pink cloud" has evaporated on ya, it happens to most all of us once off drugs. There's this period of "wow, everything is so different being off drugs, everything looks different, smells different and it's all quite new and exciting" then, reality hits us.

Before we quit drugs, we used the drugs to numb us out and help us deal with things. Now that we're off drugs, we don't have that crutch anymore and it can be quite disturbing to have to deal with ourselves and the reality we live in.

Someone had mentioned that other thread about the "hole" we have in our lives, some call it the God shaped hole, others call it different names. To me, it's the drug shaped hole. Drugs had become such an everday part of our life, they became our best friend, they were our favorite "go to", our whole world revolved around them. Now they're gone and we're left wondering what the hell to do with ourselves?

This is where real recovery comes in. Understanding that life doesn't owe us happiness, understanding that life is not one big happy moment, learning how to be happy without drugs. The principles behind recovery are really not that complicated. For me, it was weaving them into my daily life that was hard as hell cuz I didn't want to change.

Also, while your 50 or 60 days off of opiates is monumental, you're brain is still working to repair itself and it's pretty damn normal to be having the thoughts you're having and the emotions you're having this early into the process. Hell, I've been off opiates way longer than 50 or 60 days and I still have moments where I question things.

I guess my question to you would be this.....given some of the thoughts and emotions you expressed in your post.....what are you gonna do about them? Are you gonna sit there and let those thoughts and feelings continue to beat you up or are you gonna do something about it?? (PS---I suggest you do something about it!!! :D )

Charlie, you're doing great. You're being open and honest about a most difficult process and that's also one of the first keys to success in living with this DAMNED disorder called addiction. Keep posting, keep letting shit out and keep learning.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 10:25 pm 
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Weed.

I'm BAKED right now. hahaaaaaa. But as you all know, pot is the only thing I'll allow myself. Pot is my anti-depressant, always has been always will be. I tried anti-depressants back in college. Didn't like taking pills. Ahhhh, the irony. But weed always did the same exact thing for me as Zoloft or Wellbutrin.

Cures all for me.

I went to the park with my kid today. Played ball, got on the swings with her, showed her how high I could get. It turned into a pretty happy day. For that, I'm grateful.

Thank you all for responding. The halo I feel is around my head now sometimes gets dim. The thing that I know gives me so much hope is that despite some of my feelings the one constant has been that I don't want painkillers to deal with shit anymore. I really, really don't. I know that is because some time has passed, but I also know it is because I really do like the way I feel without them better than I did with them. I haven't been as angry. I haven't been as lazy. It's given me a renewed sense of living.

I've always had a sense of emptiness though. Even back as far as grade school, there'd be times I felt that way. I was always the weird kid because I didn't really care to join clubs or sports or friends. My sister was always better than I was in a lot of other people's eyes (including my own family). I liked being on my own, in my own head. I had friends, obviously, and I lived like every other 'normal' person growing up, if there is such a thing. Did the proms and the college parties and the summer beach houses. But I do know I'm different than a lot of people, and a lot of that is just being in my own head.

I'm probably jumping the gun in just saying "What's next?" Because I feel like quitting opiates has been the second biggest thing I've ever done besides be a father. But, like y'all said, it's still pretty early in recovery, so I have to give this some time to continue the good feelings. I've even said myself on here not every day is going to be a good day, even for the happiest of human beings.

I'm good now though. God bless weed. And all of you for being so thoughtful to respond :)

Charlie

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When you're young, you get all worked up caring about what other people think of you. That's the great thing about getting older - you realize, FUCK IT! It's what you think of yourself.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2012 12:17 am 
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My doctor plans on having me try Wellbutrin when I'm close to going off sub completely. His theory is that most people use their d.o.c. to "treat" some sort of chemical/mental disorder or imbalance. Therefore, treating the depression/anxiety with different combinations of medications is often necessary.

One thing that always helps me focus on the positive aspects of life is having something to look forward to! Whether it's a new project, a good book, or especially planning a trip. I love to travel, so I spend a lot of time researching the area I'm going to. It's easy when you're depressed not find enjoyment in much, but there has to be something that can be a positive motivation for you! :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2012 3:21 am 
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seaonasdad,

I can relate to alot of what you said. I started feeling like you described and had a relapse. I guess what I have learned is that im not really different than anyone else. Im not unique and special. Everyone has feelings of sadness, of not belonging, etc. Life isnt always fun. I learned that i need to talk about these feelings when they come up. I also have been finding sober things to do that I enjoy. Like new things. Today i took my dog to a dog park. It was fun! I have never done that. I know if i sit in my room and think too much shit goes bad....I am have also always fought my bipolar diagnosis. I thought it was bullshit and refused the meds. My doctor got me to try lithium and it changed my life. I feel so much better!

Just keep talking about it and find something you like to do. Dont spend too much time thinking about stuff. You are doing great so far!


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