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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 7:19 am 
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So, before I go into my situation, I want to thank all the active members for all the inspirational threads and posts on here. I've been reading them for almost 3 years. I posted a few times a long time ago, but I forgot my account information and had to make a new one.

So, I've been on Subs for 2 1/2 years. Had a bad pill & heroin problem for years before that, and before that I was doing every drug you could think of for years before and during that. I'm 24, and already have almost a decade of non stop drug addiction under my belt, which isn't anything to be proud of. I went to rehab 2 years ago, and have been on Suboxone since then with no relapses of other pills or anything. Before Rehab, I was on Subs for several months and I did relapse pretty hardcore.

My family has been awesome in my recovery, and I've been able to sort out a lot of my life during the past couple years of Suboxone. My brain is in no way shape or form working like it should yet, but I'm proud of how far I've gotten, and how much of my old life I left behind.

I began taking 16mg of Subs in Rehab, and within several months was able to cut it down to 4mg a day. The past year or so I've been taking 2mg a day, and felt pretty stuck. On top of that, I have been cutting down my dose by 1 pill per month, and without thinking about it much I've been still taking 2mg a day, and screwing myself at the end of every month for a couple days until my next appointment. One time, due to government holidays, I had to go through 7-8 days of heavy withdrawels before seeing my doctor and resuming my subs. Talk about pure hell.

Well, this month it happened again, and by the gods hilarious sense of humor it is Memorial Day weekend. I drove all the way to my Doctor's office only to find out the door was locked, and nobody was there to help me, even though I had talked to someone who said they would be there that day. As soon as I found out I wouldn't be able to see my doctor for 6 days my withdrawels hit me like a truck.

I live in a house right behind my parent's house, and I keep my subs in my parents' house, but I never had my parents actually hold on to them and give them to me everyday since they kind of trusted me and figured I was doing okay.

When I got home that day, I was so fed up with the mess I've been in with subs that I told my family I would take this time to get off subs for good. They were happy to hear me say that, and supported me all the way. I wanted to ween down to micrograms though, and after I said all that in a fit of rage, I knew I'd regret ever having said it. Well it is day 5, and I will be able to see my doctor tomarrow if I want to.

I talked to my family and they decided that they would support me if I wanted to ween down further. My mom would hold on to the pills and dose me like I should have been doing the past few months. My dilemma is that I'm already through the worst of the withdrawels, but I feel like since this wasn't a planned ending to my suboxone therapy, that a big part of me is saying that I'm not doing this the right way. A small voice inside me is telling me to stick it through and leave subs behind for good. I have to admit, I don't know which voice to listen to. I do trust myslef that if I get back on Subs tomarrow, that I will start at 1mg a day and ween down as far as possible then take the plunge in the next couple months.

Since I don't have any friends nor a job right now, I just don't know if this sudden ending to Subs will turn out the best way that it could. I feel like I should be in control of my ending, instead of having it end this way. Don't get me wrong, I left all my old freinds behind, because they were all using with me, and I just haven't gone out to acquire new amigos yet.

I feel horrible for having to get back on subs tomarrow, and it makes me feel weak, but I kind of think it is the right thing to do. Not just because I will feel normal again on subs, but that I won't get into such a deep depression if I do it the right way. But, who is to say it is even the right way? The only right way there is is getting off of subs period. I don't even know what I'm asking you all, but I just want to speak to others who really know what I'm going through.

I'm sorry I wrote a huge wall of text, and thanks for reading!

At this point, I feel like the biggest w/d symptoms are disappearing, but at the same time I didn't plan on this, nor was I ready for it.


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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 7:33 am 
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First of all I want to say that I'm still on suboxone so I have no personal experience with going off of it.

So you feel you are past the worst of the withdrawals, but you also feel maybe you aren't ready to stop completely yet, is that right (correct me if I'm wrong)? This is what I'm thinking....You could always keep your appointment tomorrow and get your suboxone script. Fill it and have the pills/films on hand. Then you could continue to go without it and see how it goes. That way you can keep your options open and if it turns out that indeed you are right and you're not ready to be off it, such as you start having terrible cravings and feel a relapse coming on, or you start suffering terrible PAWS, then you'll have your suboxone to go back on. You can go back on it at a very low dose and continue with your taper down into the micrograms.

My thinking behind this is 1- as you said you may already be past the worst of the withdrawals, so why go through that again IF you don't have to. 2 - If you go back on and taper lower, what will change to make you more ready then as compared to now? Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, these are just the thoughts I had. Maybe it will give you a different perspective. And please clarify if I've misunderstood anything you said.

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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 10:36 am 
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Nice to meet you :)

You're pretty much right. I'm going to start a new job in July, and begin to put the final pieces of my recovery together by finishing my degree with the money I make. At the moment, though, I don't feel emotionally well enough to go through the full month of PAWS more or less just yet. I know I'm remarkebly close though! It isn't so much the withdrawels alone that make it hard right now. It is the fact that I don't have nearly enough things to distract me or boost my confidence.

I do have my family, and they are wonderful support. I just don't have a "life" right now. I know that having a job won't be the cure all end all of my depression like symptoms, but I haven't worked in 2 years. I've been off the grid this whole time, pretty much alone except for my family.


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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 10:47 am 
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I am on day 5 and I see light at the end of the tunnel. I know it is eating at you but I think you should give it a few more days!!

This is just my thought and only you can make the right call for you


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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 11:20 am 
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If you really feel so strongly that you aren't ready then I think that might be your answer! You don't want to put yourself in a position that your odds are in favor of failure. Maybe it just isn't the right time for you. Like TimeToStop said, it's your call. I think you need to have all your ducks in a row to give yourself the best odds possible to succeed - now that I see you feel so strongly about it.

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 11:22 am 
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My initial thought is to tell you to start it again and taper lower. I hate hearing anyone is uncomfortable and I don't believe it's a good idea to be forced off Sub or even forced down on Sub. AND 2 mg is a lot to jump from.

However, you are through a good chunk of the acute stuff. I've tapered to less than half of what you jumped at, and if I try to go even one day w/o it, I get sick beyond belief. So, if you restart to avoid having w/d, you will need to taper very, very low. It may take you quite a while to wean yourself down to a dose low enough to stop without much trouble. Do you really want to deal with all that? You may be done with acute w/d in a few more days. If you restart, it could take you months to get down to a good jumping place. This is just what I'm thinking. However, I don't believe there is any right way. It's your choice. You are not choosing the wrong thing if you decide the depression is too much and you need to restart a small dose. You could probably start again at a tiny dose if you needed to. After days off, you wouldn't need 2 mg! That's for sure. .25 mg may hold you. You have to make this choice yourself. I like Hat's idea of filling your script. I'd be sure to give it to your parents, though. If you have your script on hand, at least you have a back up plan in case you feel like it's too much and you are going to go out and use. That would be the worst thing you could do.

I give you tons and tons of credit for what I know you must have gone through these past days. I hope you feel free to make the decision that is best for you and your physical and mental well-being. Only you really know what that is. Only you know whether you can handle this or whether it's just too much. Take care of yourself!!! You are so young. Be proud that you got into treatment so early in your life. You have likely saved yourself some serious heartache.

laddertipper

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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2011 1:47 pm 
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I saw my doctor today. I'm taking 1mg per day now, so I cut my old dose in half, and I'm making this script my last script!

I wanted the empowerment of choosing the ending of this chapter in my life. I learned a lot this past week. It was a MAJOR wake up call. I felt cornered since I was out of subs by accident, and that didn't feel right to me at all. I know that this time around I will be a lot more Emotionally ready to say goodbye you orange little angel/devil. Being on Subs these past years have given me a lot of time to figure out what was really important in my life. I'm ready to learn how to live each day without any kind of pill.

I am 100% honest that I haven't taken any opiates, smoked weed, or any drug during these past years, even when I would run out of pills, which happened quite often for a few days at a time. I'm very proud of where I am today, even though the rest of my life needs to get sorted out.

Now I need to become a part of society, make new friends, get a job, and work on finshing school. It is so scary, because I live in Maryland where it is way too f***ing expensive to move out and live by yourself without having a real career. I have the best family in the world, which is all I could ask for though.


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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2011 7:48 pm 
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You said it...You have the best family. Friends and jobs will come and go, but family and health are the most important. A lot of people in your situation don't have that support. Keep it up and take it one day at a time and before you know it you will finish school and be able to move on to the next chapter in your life.

I know it sounds cheesy but trust me I have been through it.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 1:13 am 
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Hi StrangerInTheMirror,

I've been following this thread, I just haven't posted yet. I think the fact that you went back to 1mg was wise. Like you said, now YOU can choose your quit date. I too had my quit date planned, June 4th/2010. I knew weeks in advance that I was quitting and as my quit date approached, guess what happened.......I started to get excited!! I couldn't wait for that day to get here!! True to my word, I quit on that quit date and I haven't taken anymore Suboxone. 3 days will mark one year. I've had two short relapses on Hydrocodone, but that's because I wasn't working a good recovery program.

Quitting Suboxone alone is not recovery, there's more to it. You mention how you've done work over the years on Suboxone and that you're ready to live life without pills and that is GREAT to hear. You sound EXACTLY like me when I quit. I made it 10 months before my first relapse........I just want you to know that you may need to do some extra work so your recovery is really strong.

Congratulations on deciding to quit and I wish you every success!! I hope you continue posting so others can read your story and hopefully we can continue to help you along the way too.

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