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PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 8:56 pm 
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I'm grateful for the letter A cuz without it, the alphabet song just wouldn't be the same!

Jennicole, I believe it's your turn now!!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:15 am 
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qhorsegal2 wrote:
Omg Jenni,

I didn't see this til just now. I can't believe you were able to get rid of those pills. Once I had them in my hand I don't know if I could have done it. You are strong girl...remember this moment and how good you felt when you overcame the temptation!

I also like the idea of the thankful thread. Tonight I am greatful for baseball. I know it sounds stupid, but I just spent a wonderful night cheering my 6yo to another win with his team. The kids, the hubby (or old fart as you so aptly described) and I all had a great night laughing and cheering. I am thankful for having this moment, because I don't think I would have had it if I hadn't found recovery. :wink:




Thank you miss! It was tough. But I seriously had a loaded shotgun aimed at my god damn foot, ready to blow it off. Which quite frankly scared the shit out of me. :)

Okay party people,

1. I too, am grateful for the letter A. Or else everything I've wrote would be complete rubbish. And, the alphabet song would suck.
2. I have a job. (I have a job??? ...how the fuck tards do I have a job!?)
3. My friends (y'all included)
4. I'm alive for another beautiful, amazingly gorgeous spring day that graces my skin with warmth.

Have an amazing day to you all!!
Xoxo-jennipoo

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 20, 2013 7:40 pm 
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Phew, I have so much to say, but I'm a woman of "short" words tonight....

It's been a long ass journey. Even though I feel about 65% now, I have a long ways to go. At times, I want to call my doctor. But with the helpful insight, I've realized that's my addictive ways reaching out to cope when I'm triggered. I've also came to realize two other things, very different in eachs own, but important. 1. The people and world around me can trigger w/d feelings, and unhealthy behavior. (Coping for once in my adult life...) 2. I could not have the power to flush down my own pills, but I could for someone else that i care for. Interesting.

I also wanted to mention the caution and temptation that I dance around with alcohol. This I need to be very, very aware of. I didnt stand a chance really, looking back with addiction in my family....esp. growing up practically in the shop with my dad in a bassinet. cars and rock n roll....My bopie, Papi, both dropped dead from alcoholism. My dad was only 18 when his father died. My mom was 16. My father, and 3 of his brothers, 4 of his sisters batteled alcoholism for the most part, some exceptions with drugs. A lot of my cousins also, battle addiction. So this is very personal to me, and I proceed with caution.

Looking back, when I was so sick in the beginning, I wanted to curl up in a ball and blast music so loud. Blast music and put on cartoons, mute on the tv. I haven't done that since I was a pot head. (For just about 11+ years) Amusing, to say the least, once the song turns into the cartoon. Ah, Yikes, lol. I'm just glad I've been able to and lucky enough to have made it this far.

So here's to another day. I'm trying to just keep on trucking...

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 1:28 am 
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You keep at it, lady! Are you bringing up alcohol because you've been abusing it, or just thinking about it? You're right to be well aware of your family history of alcoholism and drug addiction. We can escape our past, but not by forgetting it.

It sounds from your post that life has been a bit of a struggle the past couple days. I'm glad you came here to vent and talk about it. That's what we're here for.

I'm thinking about you.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 7:01 pm 
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Jennicole, coping for once in her adult life!!! You get a big ol' Fuckin' Eh for that!!!

We're so used to running to our drugs to cope for us, but not this time. You put on your big girl panties and you're coping....WOO-HOO!!!! Damn proud of ya!!!

Yup, be careful with that alcohol. I'm not gonna preach, you already know the dangers, so I'll leave it at that......for now. :wink:

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 8:02 pm 
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*sigh* Amy, you're good. Too good. Yes, I struggle with alcohol. I never realized it until now, actually. Espically when i saw my dad had a beer in his hand today and i found myself gawking at it. Ive always been a social drinker. Friday and Saturday nights, it was on. Meet with friends for dinner and drinks. it was a norm. I don't know what it was, but when I jumped from subs, everything became real. I don't even want an aspirin. I realize, I cannot drink, I cannot some pot. I cannot pop a Xanax. But the one thing I do still want, is alcohol. Yes, I absolutely drank during the really hard part of my wd. I was at such a dark place. But now, once Friday and sat come, I find myself trying to justify a drink or 2. It's tough to not just pour it! My bf is a pretty big drinker, too. *sigh*

It has been a Rough few days, even though better?. I've been having body sweats in my sleep which is very unpleasant to wake up to. Mild RLS. Muscles in my arms are just so damn tight and sore. I went riding for hours today with my son, which was a riot. He's a maniac on that quad/ dirtbike., I wonder where he gets that from. Comes by that honestly. Im so so damn sore from it. Hopefully that will help me to sleep tonight, because I have to be up at 3am for work. I need all, the sleep, I can get....

Yes Romeo, coping for the first time in my adult life. Holy crap its weird.....I have some survivors guilt, no doubt. It kinda haunts me, and I need to be careful of this.

Have a good night y'all.
-Jennifer

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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 12:51 pm 
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Hey Guys,

Just wanted to give a quick update. I know I haven't been on lately, but I worked over 90hrs last week and I'm beat. I have a Dr appointment at 3:30 today and I think I might be jumping back on the sub train. I'm completely overwhelmed and constantly tempted by things, some that hasn't tempted me for years. We will see what the Dr thinks. Anywho, I have 2 more days of work this week then I have 3 off. Hopefully I can catch back up. Hope all is well with you all. Thinking of you.


-jen

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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 1:19 pm 
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Hey Jennipoos..

I'm sorry to hear about all this.. I'm catching up now. You're not alone, everything you're going through is to be expected and pretty normal but I know that isn't much consolation at this point. You need to do what is best for you and if that is getting back on sub, I can understand it. Let us know what happens and what the doctor has to say.

Wishing you the best


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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 2:57 pm 
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Hi Jennicole,

If you think you're in danger and that you need to get back on Suboxone, then do it. You have to protect yourself and your sobriety!!

I'm sure everyone here understands and also supports you. I think you're really brave to have gotten off Suboxone, taken a look at life without it, then realize you may need to get back on it.

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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2013 4:53 pm 
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Hey jenn

I was just like u a few years back. I got on suboxone and then got off it because i was thinking my life would b better without medication . But the only problem was that I had too many temptations. After all I am an addict and I need the help of medication to get better. So I white knucked it for a year and a half and was miserable and I started taking opiates all over again. I made the decision to get back on suboxone not because I hit bottom but because I knew it logically would help me get better. Don't be ashamed if u need to take medicine to treat ur addiction. If u take a small bit for the rest of ur life and b happy is so much better than being mentally stressed all the time .. Just to tell friends and family that u don't take any medication. Do what u think is right for u


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PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2013 7:37 am 
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Hey Jenni,

How did it go? I agree with the above posters. If you feel like you are in danger of a relapse it is much better to get back on and deal with it, than to live your life in fear. No matter what anyone says, you should do what is right for you. Let us know what your doctor said K?

Jen


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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2013 1:04 pm 
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How are you doing, Jen?


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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2013 1:38 pm 
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This is SUCH an inspiring thread!!! WTG Jenni!! Your SO funny and I LOVE it! I can't wait to get back on track just the same :) What dose did you jump from? I am just curious since I am currently tapering. Hope your still doing well!!!


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 Post subject: Been too long!!
PostPosted: Wed May 29, 2013 10:25 pm 
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Heeyyy guuuyyss!

Brighter days- thank you.. I jumped originally from about 2mg after 5 years. I couldn't get any lower than that. Tapering is very difficult for me to do in lower numbers. Now I'm off of 4mg after 2 1/2 weeks.

Holy wow I've been MIA. I'm am alive and doing okay. I'm hanging in there. This has been one fricken process!

So, I did end up going to my sub doc. I did get a script. I'm only human, and I was going NUTS. I wanted some mental relieve ASAP! So I was glad to get back on subs. BUT, here's the catch. I felt like shit still when I got back on them. It didn't make me feel any better. Didn't make any difference. I tried to stick it out for about 2 1/2 weeks remembering how it was when I first got on them 5+ years ago. It took a while for it to build up in my body.

I haven't taken anything... Nothing, zero, zilch, in about 2 weeks and I just feel like I'm dragging ass. I didn't go through the whole withdrawal again which is fine with me. I just feel super achey in my elbows and arms. RAM. (Restless arm syndrome again lol) So all in all not too shabby. I just wish I could feel comfortable, normal comfortable, and have energy. Then I'd be all set.

The main reason for me getting back on subs briefly was because I was suffering at work, and everyday activities. Not to mention over 2 months of withdrawal I was starting to go a little crazy. Just a tad :)

So here's to keeping on getting off subs. Although I'm not completely in the clear, I feel like its headed towards the right direction. This is something I want to do, as I feel I'm ready and able to accomplish it. What a roller coaster though!! It's kinda cool to be able to say I'm off of them considering I couldn't go more than 8 hours without them before :D

Ill be back sooner than later this time,

Jen

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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 11:10 am 
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Hey Jennicole,

Good to hear from you again!! Sounds like you've been through the wringer, but you're back up and at 'em!!

You will feel comfortable again and get your energy back, it does take time, though. I remember some of the best advice I got during my time in wd's was to "fake it until you make it." The faking it is almost like retraining your brain how to act. I know it's hard to fake feeling good when you don't feel good, but it did help me and I hope it helps you too.

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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 12:38 pm 
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Good to hear from you! So you can almost consider it a blessing that the sub didn't work the second time around. Not that it's fun to get absolutely no relief from what you were feeling. I just mean that maybe it's your body's way of telling you to keep trying the abstinence route.

Yes, don't be such a stranger! :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 1:23 pm 
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Jen,

It's so good to hear from you! Sending big hugs your way.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2013 9:00 am 
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Thanks everyone ;) Hi my Tiny! And of course, Miss Amy.

Extremely exciting news..... I started neurotin about 2 weeks ago and I feel so much )$&@;/?("- better, holy shit. My arms ached soo bad as you all know, for months. My upper/middle back was constantly burning, like as if someone was taking a blow tourch to it. On top of that, I just had that overall "I feel like ass" "I don't want to do anything" , "Im tired, now everyone F off." "How the... WTF am I not sleeping right now!?"

I have NO idea, whether perhaps it's helping with PAWS that I may have, or, if its helping my fibromyalgia and degenerative disc pain, rods, pins,( all of mrs humptys personal belongings, lol. ) but it sure would of been nice to try, hmmmm let's see, 10 years ago? Way better than being prescribed pain meds considering i need treatment more for nerve pain. I have a high pain tolerance with my bones.

On that note, mrs humpy dumpy has a newest addition :shock: :lol: I wwrenched my ankle riding at the track this weekend. I kinda could get used to this though, lol. That is, if I wasn't also covered in poison sumac and oak driving me bat shit crazy from the track. Woods+ bridge jumping= broken bones and poison!!!

So yea, I know.....But I consider myself off suboxone for 4ish months now. In my heart of hearts..... Prayers and fingers crossed. If this med helps, I will consider making passionate love to this doctor, possibly more than one time...lol.

Hugs all <3

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2013 9:41 am 
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Well, well Ms. Jen. That is certainly one way to show your appreciation. It sure as hell beats flowers! :lol:

So what the heck happened with your ankle? You are jumping bridges on your bike????? Are you nuts???

It's great that we can still have such an active life after addiction. Honestly, there were times when I doubted I would ever get myself back. Pre addiction I was really into riding, almost every day. But at some point I just lost interest, my addiction really changed me. Suboxone gave me most of myself back, and now that I'm almost off I'm noticing that I'm starting to get obsessed with the horses again. It gives me something to focus on that takes my mind off the cravings and the feeling bad.

P.S. Next time you fall off your bike try to land in a spot with NO poison stuff. Geez, rookie mistake. :wink:


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2013 10:38 am 
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Hey you,

HA!!! ya, flowers are overrated. And hey, the doc ain't too shabby on the eyes either ;)

Lmao... No I wasn't jumping off of bridges with my bike. Me, my body, my physical being, lol, was bridge jumping into the river. lol. Maybe a bike bike, def not a dirt bike! :shock: . They way u have to get out and get back up, whelp, apparently it's littered with poison everything under the sun.

We just had a spring drought, and then all of a sudden rain and storms like crazy out of no where. So the tracks dirt was wicked loose. Just leaned a bit too much around a turn and caught the tip of my boot. Kinda like sand, except a shit load better than hitting sand. Speed wobbles, no good. Lol.

Speaking of which, maybe some of you can appreciate this humor. Tim and I were on vaca in FL. We had a prefect balcony right on Main Street south beach. We would sit there for hours, just watching tourists on their little rented scooters. Flying down main street getting speed wobbles ,whiskey throttles, crashing into people hoping curbs. Drilling signs. Incredible. Best part of of the whole vaca that I can remember, hands down lol.

Qhorse.,... I find myself now getting anxious sitting around doing nothing. If I sit down, I start thinking I need to get up now. So, this is why I've been so crazy busy. I need to try find some balance in my life. Because unless you consider sleep "down time", that's the only way How. Super glad you can enjoy your horses again. Wish I could have one myself.

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