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PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2013 1:18 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
Hey Scofflaw, welcome to the forum!! I'm glad you were able to get off the crazy train and onto Suboxone. I agree with your counselors, don't worry about getting off Suboxone yet, but if I were you, I'd work at getting my dose as low as possible. You really don't want to take more Suboxone than you need because all that does is push your tolerance up and if you ever do decide to get off Suboxone, having a high tolerance will only make things harder.
!


Hi and thanks for the welcome ! It seems like a great place to be. For me, they have me on a very strict program. I cant really lower my dose until they tell me to. Well I guess I could but I have to turn in all my empty packs every time I go back.The thing is, I wanted to get my insurance coverage to pay for as much of it as I could, and to do that, I had to agree to do it in a rehab type of setting, and man they are strict.
Anyhow, I dont want to start out here by hijacking a thread ! Maybe I'll share my story in another thread. I have to find my way around this establishment first.
Thanks again for the welcome !!
Carry on :)


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2013 5:42 pm 
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How are you doing today, Jen?


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2013 8:43 pm 
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Hi Tiny! Love that, so funny and cuutee!

Hi everyone!

I've been so busy these past few days I'm surprised I finally got on here! My sons season ending hockey game was on Sunday. He played where the NHL Hartford whalers used to play in Hartford, ct. He was memorized. (Don't really think he grasped the concept of how many people could be maybe watching him maybe someday until then! :shock: ) Got a trophy and went 1-1 for the tournament. Today he was home from school "sick" from screaming so much at hockey.. Lol. And tonight, he had try outs for next season with scouts watching. He was very anxious, but did great. *fingers crossed* I was glad to make it.

Will- thank you for reading and joining in! stubbornness will work in your favor for once after all. It's just a little but more incentive. It's funny when you say see a prize run after it, because you literally have to think of it that way. Rearrange your brains view on it. I tried my first time with subs to jump off at 32 mg, and lets just say that was really, really, stupid. I lasted 8 days.... And triggered a lengthy, hardcore relapse.
I had weaned this time however down to 2mg for the greater part of a year. That in its own was quite the feat. I could barely get by once before on 32mg, and now I'm at 2 and I'm fine. (Way way way too much suboxone for this little ol' gal.) I had a HUGE habit nonetheless, up to 10 oxy 80's a day, or as many opanas I could get. It was disgusting, and would of most certainly taken my life sooner or later. but 32mg was crazy talk. I could never get successfully down to 1 (kept flip flopping from 1-2.) it was just prolonging the process and I was feeling shitty most days anyways. So jumping off at 1-2mg was just my prerogative.. Positivity plays a huge role along with laughter. I just couldn't see how I could of gotten by sitting around feeling sorry for myself. It's hard, sometimes very challenging, but it can be done. You're emoting do come back, so does you're energy. Don't fret. :D

Scofflaw- I'm so glad I could help you to join in. Thank you.
So happy for you that you're off that never ending road. That's quite the accomplishment you've succeeded in already. Pat on the back to you bud. I agree with your doctors and Romeo. Let it sit for a while. Compare it to this, if you shattered your leg, what do you need? A crutch. It's going to help you through this. Don't worry about "then" until its present. But I completely relate. It's a worrisome thought. Don't let it wander!
Music sounds incredible! Doesn't it? I've read this on several occasions. And I can finally remember things! God I was awful. My thinking is so much more clear and my thoughts and feelings are so in touch with me. It feels nice. But it's kinda scary in a coherent conversation now because I didn't realize how incoherent it was before! Lol. It gets better :D

So today, day 33, was just about exactly the same as yesterday with improvement here and there. The waves are decreasing. I'm feeling better. It's terrific, I'm in good spirits about my recovery today. I am happy. Ate some delicious homemade Italian pasta and gravy. Mmmmm, pasta. Drank about 3 powerades. The only thing that is not pleasant today is a sense of overwhelming guilt. I'm finally seeing what exactly I did to myself and others through out the years. It's not a good feeling at all, however it's necessary in my recovery. I must face the truth and see exactly why it is that I've made these choices in the past or else history is doomed to repeat itself. Along with the guilt I am ridden with shame, sadness and remorse. But hey, I'm actually feeling that for the first time. This is a good sign that I'm trying to change my addict ways. Hooray.

Physically I'm 10% better than yesterday. I don't ache nearly as much and I've resorted some energy. Falling asleep wonderfully and staying asleep well (thats a terrific sign!) My knees and forearms still hurt but its bearable. Uncomfortable, but doable. Besides that I have some lingering tremors and zaps. This a.m. I had the yawns pretty bad for the first time, and a bit of a runny nose. I'm not complaining what so ever compared to how I felt. I can feel the progress being made throughout my body. Btw, I haven't taken any soma or alprazolam in 3 weeks and havent had to take any vistaril or clonidine in 2 days. that means ZERO pills to worry about when I arise from my beautiful slumber!!! :shock:

Also had an epiphany tonight. Came to realize I now don't know what it would be like to get back on subs. That's a crazy thought. I never pictured myself thinking that! Pretty cool. On forward to day 34 and I'm NOT LOOKING BACK! :D


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2013 9:41 pm 
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Oh and tiny, I got the dreaded hands tonight. I now know how my cats and dog feel at the vet. Sweaty paw prints all over the metal exam table. (Waaiitt a Second *sniff*....I remember this place. *sniff sniff* Don't you realize! This is the bitch that sticks things in my butthole!) :shock: poor things!!!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2013 11:22 pm 
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Jennicole525 wrote:
Oh and tiny, I got the dreaded hands tonight. I now know how my cats and dog feel at the vet. Sweaty paw prints all over the metal exam table. (Waaiitt a Second *sniff*....I remember this place. *sniff sniff* Don't you realize! This is the bitch that sticks things in my butthole!) :shock: poor things!!!


Lol! You're too funny! Despite all of the withdrawal symptoms you're enduring, at least no one is trying to take your temp rectally!

Oh, the yawns are SOOO annoying to me!!! I've been in the process of tapering for some time now. I don't get bad withdrawal symptoms, but at a certain time of day (right before I dose) I can't stop yawning! And then I look like I'm crying because of all the yawning. The real annoying part has been that my mouth has a split at the corner and it's taking forever to heal. It keeps opening back up during my freakish yawning spells!

Thanks for keeping us informed about your progress, especially in such an amusing fashion!

Amy

P.S. Great picture, TD!

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 2:08 pm 
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Hi Jenn!

Oh my gosh, you have no idea how badly I needed to read this today! I am currently at 2mg, tapering down and really I'm not having the best attitude about it. I want to be done but I am kind of freaking out about the jump. Your thread is awe inspiring! I love your attitude about the whole thing. Tapering is hard work huh! And thinking about you doing this after being on sub for five years, crazy. I totally need a little bit of your mojo. And with a newborn?????? You are my hero!

As I am sitting here right now I am listening to my 6 yo son yelling at my 10 yo son to "quit blaming me for EVERYTHING!". My 12yo daughter is trying to steal $3 from said 10yo that he left on the kitchen counter prompting a reaction which would make the Wells Fargo armored truck driver take notice. The house looks like a tornado just dropped a laundry mat in my living room and somebody (I'm not naming names) didn't clean up the dishes from breakfast this morning. Add to the list the menagerie of animals outside who would like to be fed and cared for today and I have quite alot to acomplish still. And I must do all of this while trying to keep a smile on my face, smell fresh and clean, never lose my temper, and look like something my husband won't be scared to go to bed with tonight when he gets home. Oh....silly me, that's what wives are supposed to do right?

Hang in there girl, you are inspiring alot of people. No pressure though. :lol:


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 11:16 pm 
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Hi everyone,

Amy- thanks for joining in. I really appreciate it.

Horsegal- Don't punish yourself with the tapering! Take it as slow as you can... It's very hard to taper once the numbers got small IMO. I had an extremely tough time with anything below 2mg. I can totally relate, the list of "to dos" can easily turn into the never ending list of doom. It just seems so challenging! But, as we know as mothers, that is no excuse. You've just "got to do it." (Yeaaah! Right!) I wish I could of tapered more, but as far as I'm concerned, after taking as many pills as I did and being on subs for 5+ years, I think that's as low as I've could of gotten. I've got to pay the piper somehow. Take it slow and be kind to yourself. It will take you a long way.

Day 38! Holy crap. I cannot believe I have made it so far, but I have! It's surreal. I no longer want to even think nor discuss wd symptoms. (just go away damn it!) I felt grossed out by myself today and that is a really tough, horrible feeling. I've gotten sick of the way I've been feeling and laying in bed and threw in the towel. I called my boss and said "set me up for Monday!" and am so ready to be back. I may still feel off , but its at a point where I now need something routinely to do that is in a productive, positive way. I've got "withdrawal fever" instead of cabin fever.

Going back to work will be challenging. I am in the medical field and work as a student for flight nurse for life star. (Helicopter). I have to be 1000% ready and mentally, physically prepared to go on the majority of these calls. So hopefully I'm not jumping the gun on the energy level. (Although I am counting on adrenalin to help me out). I am now considering to change my career to be an addiction counselor. (Yes, after alllll these courses I've endured, not ONE compares to the power and complicity of addiction, and that's some real shit).

I really am hoping I'm over that hump. I absolutely think that I'm dealing with paws but that's okay with me. It's not fun, but at least I know I'm getting better and the best is yet to come. This all started out with being a passenger in a fatal one car accident in 2004. I've got some grief, aggression and some shit to hash out and I think I will show great improvement then. I've never been sad or depressed and harped on the situation by any means (quite the opposite, almost cold) but I do believe it plays a part in my self medicating.

All in all, the future holds much steadier hands now, as I'm ready for what it endures. I have to prevail, and I will endure anything to be free. I've got my mind set and I have no choice. I believe many of us forget, this is a daily battle, this means life, or death. I choose life... So lets give it a chance to live it. :)


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 8:58 am 
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Moderators....

Why don't we have a LIKE button????

I love you Jennicole!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 9:56 pm 
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Hello hello again everyone!

Awe shucks, horsegal! :oops: *blush* Lol. I'm flattered. I love all ya'll guys! You all have a very special place in my heart..

So today is, gosh I don't even know what day it is anymore!... Thirty, nine, days. I Had to look at my calendar in my phone and noticed tomorrow it's labeled, "40 days, BEOTCH!!!" A ha! Any little bit of encouragement helps :D I think I caught a little bug of some sort. I threw up 3 times and had some lovely G.I. Issues this a.m./ early evening. I couldn't of cared less, however because I'd take that any day over the first 3 weeks of this whole shin dig.

My energy is slowly coming back. I have moderate waves of w/d now but not nearly as intense as before. i couldn't sleep last night, but thats to be expected. (Sucks serious butt though.) This flight definitely does expect turbulence!!! I even took pleasure with my children today and so so much enjoyed them. What a relief. I thought I'd turned into a cold hearted bitch for a while there these past days. (Not me at ALL! Scary.) I haven't though, I'm still sweet old Jen. I even felt love again with my old man. Sure, I loved him before. But this time, I felt it. Eww, kooties. :) still having headaches at night. I'm just trying to justify them and tell myself it's only temporary, you're brains doing some renovation.

At this point, I'm just waiting and looking forward for the "flip day" where I think to myself "I feel great!" I may have to wait awhile. I've come to realize that. But each day brings "feeling better" and improvement. when I go to bed, I tell myself that tomorrow I will feel better. Its the truth. Not cured, not 100% by any means, but better... Gets your brain off the negative and makes it focus else where. Good mind trick.

The emotions running through my head are very present. It can be anything random to trigger them. It's hard to explain because they are very much so in waves. It's almost like a mental w/d symptom I'm feeling. Although my feelings and emotions are very sensitive right now, I'm adjusting to them. I can successfully watch tv without shedding tears over nothing. Now, lets see how I can adjust to the crap I'm going to have to hash out eventually! Oh yea...Paying the piper, brah. Greedy bastard, lol.

Ironically, my beloved (insanely cute, perfect and all that junk and thinks he's a labrador like his sister) cats name is piper. :shock: He's a good constant reminder that its only temporary! Ironic? I'd like to think not. maybe ill have to change my screen name :)

Thanks again you guys and good day, folks! -Jen <3


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 Post subject: THE BIG 4-0!!!
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 11:56 am 
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Jen,

I'm so happy to read your latest posts, really, it warms my heart! Enjoying your husband and Kids again?! Woo-hoo!!


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 11:46 pm 
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LOL at your cats name being Piper!!! BAH HA HA

I smile all the way through most of your posts, but the cat's name being Piper almost made me pee my pants!!! (how about a warning next time, Jen? Is that asking too much? LOL)

Rock On Jen....Rock On!!!!

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 Post subject: Piper
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 12:42 pm 
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LOL! No warnings, never ever...Strap on yer depends, guy! :oops: HA

I tried to put a picture up of piper for my avatar, but apparently it's not wanted, ha. Apparently it's "too big" no matter how small I make it. What kind of rubbish Is that?! lol. *sigh* sad part is, ill have my 8 eight year old child do it. Computer savvy little thing. I'm getting old.... :lol:

Thanks tiny and Romeo. The days are accumulating! I'm feeling pretty okay so far today. I will post up tonight after I find out what today brings. It can't be all that bad looking back on my previous posts!

Have a great day everyone


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 3:29 pm 
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^ You have to change the pixels rather than the image size. Are you on a PC or MAC? If you're on a pc and go into paint, there should be a tab that allows you to modify pixels.. I think the limit is 105.. You could email me your pic if you'd like.. Anyway, I like piper for a cats name. I pay my pipers every fucking day, all day long.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:26 am 
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Alright Jenni, you can come clean now....you are obviously Wonder Woman...I bet no one has ever seen the two of you in the same room at the same time!lol!

You have a gift for writing, I so enjoy this thread! Not only are you kicking a** but your also taking names! I hope you realize, as well as the rest of ya'll on here, that you are inspiring and uplifting to me and I'm sure many others. It looks like today is your first day back to work, I am absolutely positive that you are going to do great!

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 1:31 pm 
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I can't wait to hear how work went today! I hope your energy remains up and that you get to relax when you get home. :)

Amy

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 Post subject: Merp!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 5:57 pm 
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Mycovery- thank you, it's a pleasure. This thread here is for smiles & laughter, feelings & support to anyone. Life's not all that bad if you give it a chance.

I'm freakin WIPED!!!!
Sorry I couldn't get on last night. I had to be up at 3am to get to work @ 4am for a 12 hr shift. I wanted to post so badly how I was feeling about going back to work. I had the craziest butterflies in my stomach all evening long!! Haven't felt that since I was a youngin!!

Luckily, today was pretty quiet. Knock on wood. (We NEVER say that out loud. It means drinks and dinner on you! :roll: ) We only had to take off once for an accident. Everything was SO surreal. Upon arrival at the scene and observing what exactly we were about to get into, I said to myself, "How the f*ck did i end up doing THIS for a career!?"LOL. ---although I know all too well why I did--- I almost had a panic attack when the scanner went off and coded there was someone that needed to be airlifted. Once we got up in the air I thought i was going to throw up and pass out. Before, I would of been going crazy with the boys getting amped up. Shit, I would of strapped on a parachute and jumped out if I could of! Not today. I just sat there in silence! "Q" asked me, "are you okay, Jen?" I told him fine, I was just tired, *fake smile*

I was on maternity leave....Nobody knew what I was going through. (Even though there are MANY of us in the same boat in healthcare, I'm not alone, trust me) There's no way in hell that I can loose my job. Ive worked my ass off to get this job since i was 17, not to mention there is a very little turn over rate and almost zero openings ever, and the qualifications are almost impossible. (good luck considering being a functioning addict.) I've never been completely pill free and sober in my whole career I have ALOT of crazy, unbelievable stories. There are a lot of emotions that I was absolutely numbing. What an eye opener. Even though I knew what I was doing physically by habit and nature, it was as though mentally experiencing what I was seeing/feeling/hearing for the first time all over again, and this call wasn't even that bad this time. Talk about a natural high! :shock:

Enough of work for now.... !! It's been 42 days now. Wow. Felt some crappy ass RLS RBS (body) and mild w/d at bedtime last night. Been extremely tired. I have some motivation back so it's not an overwhelming, extreme exhaustion. Now I just want to sleep!!!!! Sleep and get the HELL out of the house! No happy medium. Being idle is uncomfortable mentally. I'm starting to realize that not sleeping with withdrawals is actually a good thing. You're brains been hijacked and now it's trying to make a break for it. (Which means staying awake :x lol). I'm the type of person that likes to try to make logic of things to better knowledge myself. Now that I'm 60% or so, it just wants to sleep! I cannot blame it. My body needs an induced coma at this point in order to repair itself!!! Ha! My withdrawals are still present in waves. Majority of it now is an extremely achey, sore and sensitive body, and muscle spasms. The funny part, I was telling my bf that all of a sudden I get a rush of serotonin etc that makes me feel high. Then the next I don't have enough (which would explain "waves" of withdrawal.) At least it's working! It'll level itself out eventually.

Hoping to get back into my gym this week. Im going to try tanning there to see if it'll relax these destroyed muscles before i do anything. Now i need to gain some weight! Never thought I'd see the day where I felt good enough to go. Do they have a kiddie gym? I need sign up there because of the muscle atrophy! :shock: Wonder woman left the room!.... Im learning how to walk again.....*sigh*

For those of you who have battled this already, (you freaking incredibly amazing people you! shit sucks serious BUTT!!!) what's your experience and remembrance on/around a month and a half? (Sorry, I know you will probably have night terrors and flash backs! Lol) just curious so I know crazy and the only one!

Tiny-ill email you the pic. Thanks! I think my iPad is just being a bitch :wink: now this time you get to see a cute, super fluffy piper. Not the fucking satan piper! :twisted:


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 10:28 am 
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Way to go Jenni! Your comment about healthcare workers struck a cord with me as I am "in that boat" myself. But I gotta tell you, your job is the ultimate cool dude! 8) Too often people think of addicts as the drug-crazed, eyes popping out, pillagin' and rapin' whack jobs! (Hey! I resemble that remark!) :wink: But the truth is that we all come in different shapes, sizes, color.

You are doing great, keep up the good work!

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:26 pm 
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Hey Jen,

I went back to work 5 weeks after I got off Suboxone (NO, not for maternity leave, you smart ass!! LOL) and I remember that time fairly well. I was nervous as hell going back to work and had the butterflies too. I was only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep still and I just knew when I walked into work that I'd have "I feel like shit" written all over my face and body and comin' out my ears, too. But, went back to work I did and it was about the best thing I could have done for myself. It gets you back in that routine and forces you to act normal, even if you feel like there's nothing but chaos going on upstairs in the noggin'. Fake it until you make it comes to mind! :wink:

Your 5th paragraph (Starts with....Enough of work for now), I could have wrote myself at the 42 day mark (minus talking to the bf...no bf here!) It looks like you're about par for the course with your wd.

Keep hanging in there and keep on doing the next right thing!!!

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 Post subject: Sigh...
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 8:26 pm 
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Thanks y'all ...

Mycovery.... What do you do??! Interesting :)

Yeah, I completely relate Romeo... Definitely pouring out of my ear and every crevice in my body. I need to go back full time. Before i would have picked and choose where I'd be, paramedic, trauma one etc etc. I don't care nor complain anymore where the hell I end up now. Everything was looking up.... Too good to be true.

Last night I struggled in a bad way. I was okay until I tried to sleep. Headache...Nausea --throwing up--, g.i. issues. My stupid knees and arms drove me bat shit crazy. I "accidentally" dozed off into a really, really, demonic and sadistic nightmare. I felt really shitty, more than I knew apparently.... I Didn't realize I'd fallen asleep until this dream woke me up worse than any panic attack. I was not/ have not been craving anything at all.... And this is what happened.

I had a dream that pills were everywhere on the floor, (it had rained and poured them everywhere) and I was picking them off the ground by the handful, one after another. Countless and endless amount of pills (colors and shapes I've never seen, ever...) I had the hugest smile on my face and the feelings of it were all so so real. Utter euphoria. I had died and gone to heaven. My old man was even in it. I couldn't tell you what he was doing, but I just remember crawling on the ground shrieking in excitement "they're fucking everywhere!!!!" Really? Wow....

I consciously have not been craving shit. Apparently I subconsciously have been. This has scared me tremendously. The power of this crap is freaking incredible. I'm sitting here now, day by day, and haven't had a single thought about anything... Yet I have a dream about countless and endless amount of pills. That is really, really scary. Disturbing.... I'm at a lost for words.

I'm very stable when awake and conscious. However, my cravings subconsciously are apparently all too present and real. How the freaking hell are you ever supposed to conquer this shit when you're brains thinking about it when you don't even know it?! Once again, wow, at a loss for words.

Anywho, this is the first and only dream I've had like this in years since I was using. I'd have them when I was popping pills back when, but this is the first since 5+ years. That giddy "I've died and gone to heaven, this is the best day of my life!!!!!!" feeling is haunting me. Fucking scary as shit.

Sorry for my trucker mouth. I'm just flabbergasted at the power of addiction at this point. Again, how the FUCK am I supposed to get better when I'm consciously making the effort and proper decision, yet obviously subconsciously over powered. I feel so incredibly defeated.

$)@&$%-/:!!!!!


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:00 pm 
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Oh nos.. not a using dream! Although, I'm not sure why they're called using dreams because I never actually use the drugs in my dream.. do others? It's more about finding them in glorious ways as you've described above. I don't think I've gotten to actual use them in my dreams..? Hmm...

Anyway, you know the drill. They're so normal and to be expected but I know it's still a shock and a good dose of reality when you haven't had 'em in a while. Suboxone fills that void for most of us and I didn't have any of those kinds of dream in years, until this past fall. I stopped having them for the last few months but after going to the dentist last week, and being in a bit of pain, I had two in a row. I was absolutely fine, consciously, like you, but subconsciously, I must have want to ease my pain. You'll be ok..

Hey, are you sick with a flu? Why are you throwing up? Did I miss something?


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Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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