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 Post subject: 71 days and want support
PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:49 pm 
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I’ve been reading on here for a little while but never posted. Finally I feel like I better have some kind of support system in place since nobody in the world, except my dealer, knows that I’ve been taking suboxone for the last 4 years until 71 days ago. In high school I snorted dope a few times, but after watching a few of my friends get addicted I stopped, no problems. Fast forward about 3 years and I’ve got a wife and a son, a great job, completely clean and happy. A guy that I had recently hired was on suboxone and gave me one. I loved the way it made me feel that day and even into the next day. I was high. I never thought about it again until about 2 years after that, and got up with him again and got some more, and more, and more. I was able to keep this going for 4 years, buying it from him. I always wanted to quit and hated lying to everybody but never considered myself an addict. I was addicted to something to help addicts and never was out of control. I never would have pushed myself to do it until my dealer was being tapered and had to cut me off. I was surprisingly excited when he told me because I saw a way out. I took my last pill 4/21/2014. Unfortunately I had no knowledge or willpower about a taper, I was taking between 6-8mg a day and that’s what I stopped at. I did have a slip at 50 days but didn’t start my time over. So, I’m at 71 days!! I will say that before my slip I didn’t feel like I had any cravings or discouragement about quitting, but the moment I even thought about taking another piece I did, and since then it’s been harder to keep myself on the right path. I hope Romeo sheds some light here. I struggle still with energy and motivation, and my mornings SUCK until I get up and get going. I still have the bathroom issues which freaks me out but keeps me drinking lots of water. My biggest problem that drives me crazy is I keep wanting to get to 6 months, a year, and so forth. To where its discouraging me when I think about where I am. I want so bad to feel like I did pre addiction, although I don’t feel like I feel bad now, that I am trying to rush recovery. Anyways, I just wanted to post on here and hopefully continue to post on here as a success story. One more thing, all the negative stories about suboxone being the hardest drug to kick, and nobody gets off without dealing with depression and anxiety forever really freaks me out. Has anyone that is reading this gotten off (for close to a year or more) and is not on a benzo or antidepressant? And one more last thing, after the acute withdrawal was over and the next part set in the people that I would revist constantly for encouragement was Romeo, Diary of a quitter, Rykat, laddertipper, and all the others that had quit and been off for a while. So that’s my dirty laundry. I want to apologize in advance for using an old fake email that I used to play with 419 scammers on, like I said before nobody knows that I am an addict and I don’t plan on telling on myself for a long time. I hope somebody reads this!!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 5:32 pm 
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I wanted to add also for people who may read this who aren't as far or who haven't gotten passed withdrawal yet that although my post reads like I still feel bad after 70 days, I don't. I'm that guy who is sitting around waiting to be back to 100%. I JUSSSTTT (today) started exercising and that was a joke, I could run about .05 miles before I was out of breath. So I'm out of shape even though I don't look it, to me. Really, though, what I wanted to add was that I don't feel bad, I laugh at every thing uncontrollable, music has a whole new sound, I'm pretty happy. The energy and motivation thing too, compared to the first month, has improved greatly. Before I couldn't get myself to even fill out paperwork at work, now it's more or less not that I'm unmotivated to take on new task but not sure if I should. The mornings, when I say suck, they suck compared to the rest of the day that I feel good and only until I get moving. And the other reasons I didn't want to say I felt good is because in other posts I've read that people thought they felt good at two months, until they got to 3,4, and 6 months and realized they didn't. I feel really good compared to day 4. I don't want to say anything discouraging.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2014 7:22 pm 
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Hey man, I read your post and want to reply more, but I just got in from the gym not too long ago (legs night) and pretty much feel like hurling, so I'll respond more when the hurl feeling goes away.

K, I'm back.

Congratulations on 71 days off of Suboxone. Not an easy feat jumping from the dose you did.

In your post you mention, "I was addicted to something to help addicts and never was out of control." Just because you never ended up on the street corner eating out of garbage cans and begging for change doesn't mean you're not an addict. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing you're a "functioning" addict. Functioning addicts are able to hide their drug use for long, long periods and hold onto their family, cars, houses, blah, blah, blah. I'm a functioning addict.

You also said, "I will say that before my slip I didn’t feel like I had any cravings or discouragement about quitting, but the moment I even thought about taking another piece I did, and since then it’s been harder to keep myself on the right path." Exact same thing happened to me at 9.5 months off Suboxone. Prior to my slip, you couldn't force me to use. The 9th armored infantry couldn't have forced me to use, but then WHAMMO......something clicked (I was in emotional pain and my old dealer showed up at my work and I broke like a cheap plastic toy) and off I went. My first slip was only 4 days long, I was very lucky. But, even as brief as the slip was, it awoke the dragon and that SOB fucked with me for months and months.

Eventually, I had to learn what behaviors of mine were feeding the dragon and making him strong and keeping him awake. Once I learned to live my life in balance and learned to keep my emotions in check better and learned to be kind to myself and forgive myself for past mistakes and learned to disengage my emotional brain by engaging the logic side of my brain (usually by telling on myself or writing things out) and finally learning how to close the door on those secret thoughts of wanting to use, things have been a lot better. None of that stuff happened overnight and none of that stuff may apply to you (although I would guess at least some of it will). Recovery is very individual, you have to do what works for you and you have to figure out what works for you.

Keep hanging around the forum. Post on other people's threads and try to help them. You may be amazed at how trying to help others clears things up in your own brain.

And yes, Diary of a Quitter is amazing. She helped me so, so much with my recovery. She has a very Zen like quality to her and her words are very insightful. Tinydancer is still active on our forum and she has over a year off of Suboxone. She's quite bright and has a very matter of fact way about her and gets right to the point. I think you'd find her posts very helpful, too.

Actually, most everyone on here is worth listening to. We have a really good group of people here.

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Be kind to yourself. Our character defects do NOT define who we are!


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:26 am 
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Man, I was glad to see you responded, thanks. The whole thing about not being out of control and all was how I looked at it but not towards the end. I eventually realized I was just as bad, probably worse, than the street corner junkie. At least they are honest, I’m a liar and very good at it. I have read tiny dancers replies and post a hundred times too. And I’m a big Elton John fan, weird for someone my age. Anyhow, thanks again for your reply, I hope to update again at 90 days. One last thing to add right now, too anyone going through this stage of quitting anything, listen to “eye of the tiger” and listen to the words. It’s probably because my brain is out of whack but I swear it fits perfectly with this fight and it’s just fun to listen to, for me. Thanks again, everybody, this site has been very helpful for me. :D


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 8:04 am 
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Hi there QA,

I wanted to chime in and encourage you in stepping up and being honest with yourself. I too was a secret addict. Nobody who knew me was aware of my addiction to painkillers, and nobody knew when I went on Suboxone. I felt entirely alone and it was a rough road. I stayed on Suboxone for 10 years, and now I am down to 1.25 mg, hoping to finish my taper by the end of August.

I have heard the phrase "You're only as sick as your secrets" and I believe that to be true. I felt my secrets defined me more than anything else I did. All of that is changed now. I have this forum to talk about recovery from my Suboxone dependence even though I have been supervised by Doctors the whole time, I never knew another soul who was on the medication. It has been a lifeline to have all of these great people willing to share their experience and support each other.

Going to some 12 step meetings has helped me to organize my thoughts and arp my mind around making amends for some of the damage I did to myself and others.

I wish you all of the best, you'll find real people who sincerely want to help each other here. I am glad you've come out, admitted the dishonesty of the past and are moving forward. Forward is the only direction we have!


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 1:13 pm 
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I just wanted to update here, hopefully a lot more. I'm now over 3 months off and feeling good. I've been working out which has helped a lot. I sleep through the night and fall asleep pretty quick. I wake up earlier but I enjoy that. Some of these threads have saved my life during the hardest times so thanks. But, for at least the last 10 days I've felt what I see as normal. Next month I may look back and see even more improvement.. Thanks again to those who have stuck around to update their progress.


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 1:16 pm 
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And to gingerpop, thank you so much for that reply. Very encouraging for me. I wish you the best as well. Please keep us updated on your progress. Are you still at .125? Any nervousness?


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 1:32 pm 
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Hi QA, you must be up over 100 days by now, congrats.

Romeo posted a good msg about addiction, just because you're not low bottom now, doesn't mean addiction won't take you there, if you're not on top of it. I went from good job-good family-good everything, like you, to a totally uncontrollable heroin-cocaine addiction in not many years.

I hit 29 days Subs free today, and I'm still waiting to feel 'normal' too, but I'm not sure I know what that is for me yet, now that I'm totally clean. I just try to make the best out of today.

Good luck!

-- ji

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"Past and future veil God from our sight; burn both of them with fire."
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 5:37 pm 
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J-I,
Thanks for the reply and sharing your story with me. Congrats on 29 days. I remember in the very beginning I put a note on my phone calendar for day 30 and it seemed like it would never happen. One month is where I really started to get rid of the fog and get some motivation back. I hope its the same or better for you. Talk again soon, take care.


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