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PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2012 7:51 pm 
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I feel like I've let y'all down too. The inspiration you all have given me is greatly appreciated. Addiction is such a wild thing. While I was on suboxone I never had a craving nor desire to use. I thought I was in a good place too. I have a great support system in place and admit I'm powerless over my addiction. I was ready to move
Off the subs and try again. I failed. Maybe I should be on subs the rest of my life.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2012 8:16 am 
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It's a new day and I've gained some perspective. My addictive side has always been raging. Over the last 2 years I've just been able to tap into and control it. This setback is not going to break me. I am going to take it as a huge learning and experience. I do not plan on getting back on subs.

I hope everybody is doing well.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2012 9:26 am 
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Good onya man. Don't let one slip push you back in your journey.

If anything it's a sign you have to put in ACTION. Do something different. Considered going to NA, or rehab, or SMART?

Considered throwing out your SIM card with all your contacts and getting a new number?

Considered moving to Alaska and working a gas rig?


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 Post subject: Dont give up!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2012 11:26 am 
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I have been following your journey. Please don't give up! Just because you got on the train does not mean you have to ride it down the road of addiction.
Get up, brush yourself off and start over..
(I speak to myself here as well)
Our addictive brain is hard to argue with sometimes I know..Keep trying!


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 2:27 am 
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RM,

Yep seems the same circle of things keeps you sucked in. I know it sucks, you were doing so well then I don't know what happened. It's okay though keep working at it. I agree with tearj3rker dump your contacts. Get yourself away from all that negativity. Only then can we hope to remain sober.... Change has to happen. Good Luck

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“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” -Ernest Hemingway


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 3:47 am 
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I also wanted to add that 2 years ago I was trying to clean up I stayed sober for a year and times got bad I had some medical/physical issues and I ended up on medication. It cost me because I didn't stop there I kept going and after a year of being clean that relapse costed me a year of being on RX pills again and then it got to where I was in full blown out of control mode. Had depression, constantly hating myself and all the pain I had was being numbed down. I was spiraling. Lesson Learned. Something happened in my life that changed me completely that I sought help with sub. A year of treatment and now I am here. Progress just the fact that I did the things I needed to do changed me as a person and learning and researching deeply into addiction itself I learned alot. I can only hope the future goes in the direction I want it to. Its up to me. I need to be accountable for myself. No more bs! Cheer up RM you will get it and if you decide to stay on sub that is perfectly ok too. Take Care

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“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” -Ernest Hemingway


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 6:55 am 
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It really was the perfect storm. I had 4 days off, the weather was nice, I was still feeling a little blah from the sub and the week long symptoms, and old problems came rushing to the surface. During the year I was on sub I truly got my life together. I started to explore who I really was and what drove my addictions.

I won't let this setback stop me. Now I'm freaking out because I'm scared I'll get wd from the hydro. I probably won't but the cycle is viscious. I've recommitted myself to a life free of opiates. Life is full of choices. I made a bad one this weekend. I am going to learn and grow stronger.

It's just really scary to be going along almost out of sub wd to find myself in the familiar opiate hunt. I don't have the desire to start playing that game again


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:24 pm 
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Feeling lazy. I think the setback puts me about about day 7 comparatively speaking. It's truly day 12.

This feeling is nothing new. I've been here before and I was almost out. I know myself well enough to know my track record is not good and I have failed many times before. But dammit I've also won a lot. I can feel my inner non addict. He is right there. Come on!


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:32 am 
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So today after 48 hours after my last full agonist mini relapse I feel like I'm in full blown opiate wd. This does not pale in comparison to the sub wd. Why do I do this to myself? I'm an addict. It's true.

Should I get back on subs? Thoughts?


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 9:25 pm 
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Dude! Stop fucking around and ditch the drugs! Or you will be in this rat race the rest of your life. Go to a 30 day inpatient to get the ball rolling if u cant do it yourself or your situation sucks..but God damm man, u know drugs or suboxone ain't the answer. Bear down man..You can do this..Your fighting for your life right now..You need to find things to do to keep you busy and reduce the pain..Exercise(Yeah I know ur tired as shit..but get ur ass in the gym) music..or anything to take your mind off the process..You have to want it or you will never make it..But the good news is that you can do it and others have as well. But it is an elite class. Only a small % make it. I dare you to be a part of this elite class. Come on man! Just fucking do it! Nothing goes in your mouth period............Your choice!


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 14, 2012 10:45 am 
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Rockmayfield wrote:
Day 8 am. I slept for 6 solid hours. I'll take it. RLS is gone. Just struggling with sleep onset. .05 of clonidine helped. Gotta stop the klonopin and clonidine and then I'll just be down to my hetty vitamins and supplements.

Around 8:00 last night I suddenly felt all the physical withdrawal stop, or at
least weaken. I felt it. It was awesome. But I can tell my sleep cycles and REM are all fubarbed. They will normalize. My legs are killing me. I blame, and applaud, hellmuth.
Maybe I've just got used to the "symptoms". ...maybe the little bit of sleep helped. I have one more day of corporate bs and then a 4 day weekend.

My drive to work music : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8M9PtqpN ... ata_player

Ambr, how ya feeling? Have you reached the turning point?


Nice! A fellow Phish phan. Saw my first show in 98 at 13 and was hooked. Did the whole tour/festival circuit thing for awhile too. I still see them fairly regularly.. had to skip a few when I first cleaned myself up.

Anyways, tapering takes lots of honesty. Chemically Dependent brains are tricky mofos. If you decide to jump back on a low dose of sub then maybe try to alternate days after a few days on. It cannot hurt. Do not get too cocky!

I am glad that my dealers stopped contacting me long ago. I did get lots of my opiates off of the internet (pods mainly)... but I am done with opiates.

Also, check the bud. Sometimes it can cause more anxiety. I used to smoke during my full agonist tapers and jumps, looking back I think it may have caused more trouble. Especially during the initial withdrawal. It seemed to help with the lingering stuff the most. I haven't smoked in like two years though.

If you do decide to smoke then keep it too a puff or two. I am sure you are puffing on some headies so that should be enough.

Get up, brush the dirt off of your shoulder and start walking again. Working out is good, but do not overburden yourself.


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