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 Post subject: Day 5 - Ups and Downs
PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2016 12:31 am 
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Hey there.

I have some good news and some bad news. Yesterday was my 4th day on Suboxone. I took my prescribed 12mgs in 3 doses throughout the day. I was off from work, and I had a great day off. Instead of waking up and starting the process of tracking down my opiates folloed by being high all day- just to come down in the evening and be unpleasant to my family; I woke up at a reasonable hour and felt productive. I did things I usually procrastinate doing and put off including laundry, cleaning my car and room, and taking my dog for a walk! It was a great 4th day.

Unfortunately day 5 (today) was a bump in my recovery road. I worked early and got off at 1:30pm, where I had taken 8 of my 12mg and was feeling great. Against my will I had to go see my dealer because I owed him money, and even though I PROMISED myself I wouldn't, I ended up buying a few once we were square. Although this was a step backwards, I think it has and will continue to cause a leap forward. Not only was I very disappointed in myself as I drove home with my pills, but once I did them I felt next to no positive physical sensations. After about 2 hours and 70mg of oxycodone later, I felt absolutely horrible. My head and stomach hurt and I was just a wreck mentally. Three positive events happened after this:

1) I called a buddy of mine and sold the rest of what I had to him. (He knows I am on the bup and was happy to take them off my hands) ... I would have NEVER sold a pill regardless of what someone would have offered me just 5 days ago.
2) I used that money to put gas in my car! I can't tell you what a big deal this is for me. For at least 8 months now, ANY cash that I have had in my possession has been immediately spent on oxycodone. I haven't put more than $5-6 at a time in my tank (using scrounged up change or a $5 I bummed from my mom) in as long as I can remember. My car is probably so happy it's nice and full!
3) I got home and I threw everything away that was used in my addiction. My pill grinder and cutter, any snorting straws I had, random cards, empty baggies... I'm sure you're wondering why I hadn't done this yet; to be honest; I have been very serious about ending my addiction since I started bup on Friday, but I think deep down I told myself it wasn't really going to happen, there is no way I will kick it and never need this stuff again... Now I BELIEVE!

All in all today was groundbreaking for me. Reality really set in that bup works, and that I am ready to do this, and that I really am doing this. It hit home that I am starting a new life without oxycodone, and that I will never see my dealer again, and I will never use my purple grinder again to crush up a pill again. It even showed me how great it's going to be to have some cash in my wallet and it be there the next day, and reminded me that saying "Can I get $20 on pump 4?" feels a lot more natural than "Can I get $2.85 on pump 4? Sorry it's all nickels and dimes...."

So on day 5 I realapsed, but all-in-all I'd say I made the most progress today than any other day.

Here's to hoping that my bup Doctor will understand my misjudgment today, and renew my bup script on Thursday even if I test positive for oxycodone from today's use.

Thanks for reading and for the support -- God bless,

Ryan


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2016 10:52 am 
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Tell ur doctor exactly what u told us here. Definitely tell him that u didn't really feel anything and u also had the realization of what a blessing buprenorphine is....hopefully it'll be fine especially since ur not even a week in.

I remember my first trip to walmart after starting suboxone. My son had been wanting a $60 Xbox game. First of all me and my fiance weren't used to having money (he isn't an addict but bless his heart spent every dime on me because I begged for money constantly). We decided to get the Xbox game and I remember walking out of walmart sooo happy because I hadn't done that in a long time. Then Christmas was a really big yr that yr. My parents stepped up during my addiction and even though my kids were definitely spoiled and never without, I wasn't ever able to buy them 1 thing...everything went to pills. Being able to buy new shoes, go shopping, all those things are so awesome after u went so long without it. I remember running out of gas all the time when I was using. I'd make sure I had enough for my pills but I didn't do that for gas lol. Gosh I put my family through a lot.

Lose the dealers number or change numbers, that'd be better. U still have to put all those using connections away, trust me.

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Jennifer


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