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PostPosted: Tue Jan 06, 2015 6:54 am 
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Hi all,

Hope you're doing well.

So I actually got up yesterday, exercised, showered, got into normal clothes and worked at my desk for hours!! Woop woop!! Progress, slow and steady. I know it's just switching habits and slowly shifting into a new life basically. Mini goals and then slowly add a little more each day.

So last night again, I was in bad withdrawals, they started in the afternoon but I just thought I was tired. As it progressed, it was very obviously withdrawals with pain in my legs and a bad headache. I took my nightly .2mg waited an hour, no change, then another .2 and still couldn't sleep so another .2 just from being at my limit and so sick of feeling like this. I'm frustrated that going back on Sub I'm still in withdrawals at least once a day. I feel like I'm increasing my dosage overall which I don't want. Don't think I was stable on .4mg without being in withdrawals. That seemed to work for a few days but not now.

I'm going to try spreading this out into three dose- .2 in the morning, .2 in the afternoon and .2 before bed today. I hope doing it this way will make a difference. Cause it's too easy to just take a little more and then a little more when the withdrawals feel so heavy at night and I want this to be a consistent schedule, not taking more and more when the withdrawals are heavy.

Do you have any suggestions for how to easily or somewhat easily stabilize on the lowest dose possible after an attempt to quit Suboxone? At this point, without getting into much detail, I have a limited supply with refills coming but I don't know exactly when. I really need to be on the lowest dose possible right now to preserve the little I have left. If it's .6mg per day then okay, it is what it is, but I'm disappointed it's that high and already feel myself worrying about running out and not getting any more in time.

Thank you. Have a great day!

Sage
xoxo


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 06, 2015 1:50 pm 
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So you know the shock of unexpected loss from your mom as well as your friend. I'm sorry for your loss as well. I live two time zones away from my dad and sister, so it was around 5 am when the phone started ringing. The only blessing was that we had all talked the evening before and said I love you, when we didn't always say that. She had a pulmonary embolism in the middle of the night. She was only 59. Three of my friends' moms died within about 2 years of each other with mine being the last. Two died of cancer and another from an aneurysm. We've had discussions about whether it was easier to lose them suddenly or to watch them go through an illness. Our conclusion is that both ways suck for different reasons. I'm especially sorry that you thought your mom's death was at all your fault. I'm sure it wasn't your fault at all.

I commend you for changing up your days and requiring some new things of yourself!! It really does make a difference rather than just falling back into the same patterns! You may have gone back on a small amount of sub, but it's obvious that you are still moving forward!

Amy

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 Post subject: Adjusting
PostPosted: Wed Jan 07, 2015 11:39 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:35 pm
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Hi,

Amy- Gosh, I'm so sorry. Losing a momma can be one of the hardest things on the planet. She was young too. So was mine- 48. Yeah, I agree, both prolonged illnesses and immediate deaths suck. I'm glad it was a quick death for her because she suffered so much in life and it would have ripped my heart out if she had to go through a long physical illness before passing after everything she had been through to that point. I was able to say I love you to her too the last day she was alive. I'm so so grateful for that. Am sure you are too. What a gift. That's another thing I do now- I always end conversations with people I love saying I love you cause you just never know.

So I did the .2 in am, .2 in afternoon and .2 in evening yesterday and it seemed to work much better and kept me out of withdrawals. Still can't sleep much and that bugs me a lot. Just a few hours here and there. If I don't get enough, I feel totally useless and unmotivated. Have definitely gotten some work done this week which is nice. It snows just about everyday where I am right now so I haven't been out in like a week at all. I hate driving in the snow. I forgot how much and how often it snows here. Feel stuck being at home.

Hope you have a good day!

Sage
xoxo


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 Post subject: Aha moments...
PostPosted: Wed Jan 07, 2015 7:18 pm 
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Posts: 33
Hey,

Watched some of Dr. J's videos answering questions, in one he was talking about people being in the mindset to get off Suboxone and that for some, it can be kind of having blinders on to anything but the way they are thinking, and that as addicts, many of us see being on any opiate as not good.

I've had so many people over the years that I'm close with tell me I'm not clean until I get off Sub, always asking for a plan to get off. (I have had four attempts to quit and then gone back on.) I know it's bs what they are saying, they have good intentions but just don't get it and wished I had kept my mouth shut initially (and that's what I'm doing now with them, to their knowledge I've successfully tapered off and it will stay that way except for a select few in my personal life that do "get it"). Looking back, having people ask me at least monthly if not weekly or even more frequent- where my dose is at, what's my plan to get off, when am I going to drop in dose again, etc. etc. for years!! I really think all of those comments did work their way into my subconscious and was part of this intense urge to get off.

I was in the mindset to get off all prescription meds I had been on and there were a lot at the beginning of 2014, successfully got off three and then focused on the Sub taper. After jumping at .75mg, making it about eight or nine days doing okay overall, then had a conversation about a close friend who died that stirred up old stuff so easily it really really scared me and I went back on. I'm still trying to stabilize on the lowest dose possible, which at this point seems to be .6mg per day broken up in three doses. (I'm still getting pains in my legs and feet and my skin hurts to the touch in some areas, low energy, hard to sleep, headaches, I don't know what's what at this point re stabilizing and what will ultimately work. I only have a limited supply left and will get more soon, just not sure exactly when, so I'm trying to stabilize on the lowest dose possible).

Another reason I wanted to get off was because I felt so so tied to the doctors office and they kept adding more and more rules (I wasn't exempt from them having gone to the same office for over six years other than sometimes having appointments more spaced out than they should be, usually because I was out of state, and my doc let that slide). It felt like I was being punished more and more for doing nothing wrong and I was so sick of dealing with this office for so long (nothing against anybody there, I had an awesome doctor and the staff was great, just feeling like I couldn't fully close that chapter of my life continuing to go to that office and trying to move to other states without insurance knowing I was about to start paying massive amounts of money to doctors and for the Sub prescriptions and all of the fear and uncertainty that came with it [this was in 2013, I know there are generics out now so it's not that steep anymore thankfully] and every time came running back to this state to see the same doctor out of fear more than anything and I had insurance in this state). It was a blessing and curse I guess because in the past attempts to come off, it was so easy to go running back to the doctor in a weak moment. This attempt to quit I severed ties with the office beforehand (like months before I actually jumped) so that wouldn't be an option anymore and I really felt selfish for holding a slot for so long when so many are trying to get treatment and waiting years to get into programs. I also kept thinking some depressive episodes had to do with Sub but I don't think that is/was the case anymore.

So now I'm back on, with no Sub doc and am doing what I need to do to get by. I so so wish the rules were different for people tapering or at or under 1mg. I'm not willing to jump through all of those hoops again to see a doctor being on such a low dose, not while living in this state anyway (where it's insane to try to get a slot, I couldn't get one if I tried without waiting, unless there was some exception and being able to go back to my old doc, still I'm not going to call them and ask, I'd rather the slot go to someone who's been waiting months or years to get initial treatment).

Maybe being on a very low dose of Sub is what's necessary for the rest of my life (just starting to come to that realization that may be what's best, I've done so well on it, why risk everything to go off it?) or at least the next few years then reevaluate. Maybe at some point, I can find a program that isn't so strict and isn't at their limit. Then okay, I'd be happy to go back to seeing a Sub doc regularly (I'd be happy to go see one now if that was a viable option, but it just isn't and doesn't sit right with me knowing so many people need help and have been waiting).

I guess my point to all of this is really realizing the goal of ultimately coming off Sub maybe wasn't such a great goal and maybe it partially wasn't my goal to begin with, it was everybody's around me who wanted me to get off it and the subconscious mindset of I'm still taking an opiate so I'm not really clean (bs). I had to go through what I did to come to this point though.

This realization is much more bearable and calming to me if I don't have to deal with the office I was going to, not feeling so tied. Even though I'm still on Sub, there is a feeling of freedom in not having to deal with the office. There's all kinds of other concerns of course but for now, I'm just grateful, to be alive, to be where I'm at, that things are still going to be okay even though my plan didn't work out as hoped. Maybe energy is much better spent working on other areas of my life and helping others.

It is what it is today. I'm alive, doing okay overall and am really grateful. And I'm so so grateful for this forum.

Thanks,

Sage
xoxo


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

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