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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 2:09 am 
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Yes you are right, there is never a good time to quit. I really wish I would have stayed off the stuff the last 2 times I quit. But now, when I had planned jumping during Thanksgiving, I did not look at my school schedule. I thought my final projects were all due the last week of school (in three weeks), but no, they are do this weekend and next weekend. Even taking sub every day, I'm not sure how I will be able to finish everything. So yes there is not any good time to jump, but there are some "better" times to jump. This time I am honestly not making any excuses. I think it's just smarter to wait until the stress of school is off my back in 20 days.

I will agree with you that I need a therapist if I don't make it this time. But I really do think that I will. And your posts really help too in your other thread. I understand that a positive attitude can have physical results and I want to be hopeful about quitting, not scared that I'll be in severe pain for a long time. But you know what? I know that's not true. I was never in any sort of pain any time I ever quit suboxone. So what am I so scared of? Really... what am I scared of? I guess I am slow of being a turtle. Why do I act like a turtle when I quit? Well, my body is weak. I have no energy. Or is lack of endorphins? Because I did manage to exercise when I quit a few months ago. If my mental state was explosive, excited happy off the walls, I think my physical body could follow. I have made a schedule of things to do when I quit. I don't know if I should do something every single day, or just take it easy for a few days and then start doing things. One of Dr. J's videos says that when people go to rehab they are busy with days packed with activities for the entire day. So I want to do that. I have a list of Daily Outings:

Bob Evans
Bowling
Walk in ***(a park with trails)
Buy a sweater at the mall
Go to library and check out a movie and a magazine
Walk at park in **** (a different park with trails)
Walk at park in **** (another park with trails)
Go to Church
Book Club Meeting
See a movie
Go see grandma


Well, none are extreme, it's hard to find extreme things that would get endorphins pumping in the cold weather. These things will have to do.

I don't want to overthink this. I have a habit of overthinking everything. I want to just act like nothing is wrong, everything is fine. Like the very first time I quit. I didn't know sub could cause withdraw. I thought it was designed to stop withdraw. I just can't wait until I can slow down my mind and stop worrying about school. Ah yes, in three weeks I will be in my happy place. No school, and finally able to kick my habit. I think I have been feeling so mentally weird lately because I am totally stressed with schoolwork and stressed that I have this thing hanging over my head that I need to do (quit subs). It will be so great to lift those things off my back and check them off my to-do list.

Suboxone doesn't do it for me anyways. I don't get high. I'm getting sick of the opiate feeling. Of course if it was dope that would be totally different. But sub is milder, and I'm getting tired of it. I just don't like the feeling anymore. It's boring. I'm used to it. My life has turned flat. I need a change. I want a different lifestyle. I think next semester is going to be a real good time.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 8:34 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Hey girl! As always, I follow this thread. I don't know for sure what it is about you, but I REALLY want
you to make it. I really am pulling for you. Everytime I read that something held you back, I get this feeling
like it was me that went through it again. It's weird.

I do agree with everything that Jbyrd said. If there was a good time to quit, we all would have just quit our DOC.
I do, however, think that you are being smart in waiting til the semester is over. But you have got to get firm
with yourself. Start working on your fram of mind. Amp yourself up for this. Kick this drugs ass!!!!! I know that
you can. Look at all of the things that you are accomplishing already. I think Jbyrd pointed all of this out already,
but it probably doesn't hurt to hear it again! LOL! YOU have done some amazing things. YOU have set goals, and
met them. YOU accomplished them. NOONE else did this but YOU. YOU can do this too. YOU REALLY CAN!!!!!
I do have faith in you, but you gotta dig down deep and find that inner strength to do this. You have to have
the faith in yourself that all of us have in you!

I know you will do this. I just know it. Keep on trucking, and good luck to you when the time comes!!!! I think
it's great that you have a list of things to keep you busy too. It's gonna be a lot harder to come up with things
to do when you are actually in the thick of it.

OH~something else you said.....you said that you tend to overthink things. I think you are WAAAAY over thinking
this!!! The more you focus on it, the more you are gonna think..."I don't have any sub" "I feel crummy today"
or whatever. Just go on about your days like its any other day. If you can stay busy, it'll help you sleep better at
night too. Anyway, I"m rambling now! LOL....Take Care~[/font]

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"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 11:00 am 
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Hey, it's good to see you updating your thread. I so TOTALLY identify with how you felt when you went up to 1-2mg. This is exactly what I went through when I started taking Sub again after being off for 6 months. I was only taking 1-2mg and I definitely felt it, but it wasn't a good feeling. I felt irritable and foggy and felt like I had to fight to keep my eyes open at the wheel sometimes. It pretty much sucked BUT I KEPT DOING IT. And now I'm taking 8mg a day. I don't have the side effects as much now because I stay above the ceiling, but I'm pissed at myself for becoming dependent AGAIN.
I also agree that you shouldn't force yourself to quit during a tough time (like during final papers). Why put yourself through that? You are doing it for YOU, not to meet some artificial deadline. In my case, I'm just waiting util the holidays are over, period. I'm so stressed and down about my family situation right now.
Anyway, I know you can do it. We both can. We have done it before and can do it again. The real issue is, what will we do to STAY off the opiates once the Sub is off our receptors?


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 11:15 am 
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Goingstrong- I agree with you, there is something about her that we are all rooting for!

Well, it sounds like you have all the makings of a great recovery!! I do agree, waiting the 3 weeks is a great idea in your case, you need the pressure to be OFF! That being said, your plan for outings are great, I would just warn against putting any expectations on yourself. What I did was make a "Help Kit", it was full of vitamins, supplements, and also lists I prepared in advance (as I am also an over-thinker :). The lists I made were "what to do in an emergency". I wrote down things to do when I felt REALLY stressed, meditations, endorphin raising exercises, suggestions of things that would help like exercising, taking a bath, etc. It really helped! I would say put those outings on your list, but don't make ANY promises to ANYONE during that time. It might strick a trigger and make you want to cheat "Just so no one knows something is wrong". The closest I came to messing up was on Thanksgiving, being around family. That seemed like sooo much pressure, just to act normal on Day 4 even. I even talked to my husband about taking some Tramadol, but THANK GOD he talked me out of it.

I guess what I am saying is take this time to try to identify your triggers and make a plan to avoid them. Just being on here and being as open & honest as you have been is a great sign.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 1:52 pm 
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Aww you guys thanks!! I love you all, lol. I really thoughts no one cared about this thread lol

A help kit and emergency list, haha that is great!! I keep saying I need to do that too! Ha we are like... those prepper people LOL.. u know those people that hoard for doomsday? We are prepping for our own doomsday, lol... but I guess I should be thinking of it more like a Happy Days not a doomsday. Like seasonasdad says, you don't realize how easy life is until you are off the drugs and I honestly believe that. Subs stress me out so much and take up way too much thinking time during the day. It's like I have gotten into this habit of thinking in which I think I need my dose to operate. And then you know what happens? When my dose wears off, I end up not functioning as well, because I honestly believe that I can't. I end up thinking about my dose, how much I should take, oh shit is that a cop, he's going to find the sub in my purse, can those people tell I'm high? Just stupid things. Our bodies were built to take on the world, we have evolved to be these great creatures, I don't need to fill it with drugs. They will only slow me down. Especially my brain. If I'm high watching the clouds go by, I'm not doing as much work as I should be doing. Although I would be lieing if I didn't say, that many times sub really puts me in the mood to doing things. It would be better to train myself how to get motivated to do my work without drugs. I just want to be proud of MYSELF, instead of being proud of the drugs. I want to know that I accomplished these things all by myself, Look how awesome I am, I did a good job. Rather than thinking, "hehe, this sub has made me powerful and unable to feel pain so I get all this work done all day!" That is totally different. I am worshiping the sub instead of myself (or God, which is what it should be. He's the one that made me. If you guy's done believe in God, well, I suppose if anything be happy for Nature for evolving to create such a beautiful human body and brain that you are blessed to inhabit). And what do I do with this miraculous gift from God/Nature? I poison it with drugs! I try to escape my mind, rather than being thankful for even having a mind! If I was told I would die at the end of the day, I would say, "No! But, I like me! I don't want to leave me!" I mean yeah sometimes I get depressed and for a split second wish I could just die to leave all of this life behind, but really, in the end, I don't want to leave myself. I love myself so much and I'm going to miss my body when I leave (die). I don't know any truths about this world, if my spirit will go on to another life and I will still be with myself and know myself, or if even if I do get to go on to another life or afterlife, will I still be the same person inside? What if I'm different? I like me the way I am, I don't want to leave. Anyways, my point is, since I would be sad if I had to leave my body today, I should be thankful for even having a life, instead of always trying to change my perspective and change the way I feel with drugs. If I was thankful for having a life at all, I would be so happy that I wouldn't need drugs.

Well, this is the kind of stuff I think about to stay positive about my jump.

I totally know what you mean by a health kit. I have a desk drawer full of vitamins and medications like a woman's ultimate vitamin, immodium, naproxen, excedrin (not sure if I should use the caffeine though), magnesium, valerian, 5-htp, L-tyrosine, and tomorrow I'm getting some somas. Not sure if the somas will make withdraw worse like how flexerol makes withdraws worse, but I don't think so. I just want it to help get to sleep. But I really want to try and not use any of it. I want to get my vitamins from food and learn to sleep without medication and just use naproxen for pain and it helps me relax to go to sleep. Well, and I'll certainly need the immodium. And the 5-htp is good for depression/anxiety but sometimes it can make you sleepy and I don't want that if I'm already a turtle, so we'll see.

I totally also wanted an emergency list! Like, I had this idea, that whenever I get anxious or depressed while on sub, to write down what helps me get out of my funk, and then consult my journal when I feel those feelings, or make a video diary and put them in folders on my computer marked, like "ways to remember life is worth living sober", or, "watch when you think you need a dose", or, "depression is good" to remind me that I like being depressed sometimes because, well for one, for once my mind isn't racing with anxiety, and 2, it feels good to get my emotions out and cry. I would love to hear your tips if you can share them, JByrd.

Yeah yeah yeah it looks like I'm overthinking all this stuff again, but you know what, I've smartened up a little and have learned that when you are stuck in a moment, like stuck in anxiety, it's hard to get out of it unless you know what to do. So I'm writing up a plan. It's good to plan ahead. I like to plan for success. I want to think of all the stops and figure out ways to get passed each imagainable obstacle. Will thinking about these obstacles make them appear during withdraws? Maybe. But I'm willing to take that chance to make the plans. That's just the way I am. If I don't plan ahead, I worry about the future. I can't really change that about me in the next 19 days. So, instead, if I plan for each obstacle, then if they come, I'm not scared of them, because I know (roughly) what to do.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2012 7:02 pm 
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Well, tomorrow's the big day. In a couple hours I take my last dose of sub for the rest of my entire life. Unless I can't make it to work on Saturday. I know I should just wait until Saturday, but because of other circumstances, I am stopping tomorrow, and if I can't make it to work Saturday, I will only take the tiniest little sliver (cuz by then my tolerance will be down), because I cannot miss work on Saturday. I work tomorrow too but I should still be fine tomorrow. I mean, this post isn't really going to be of any use to anyone unless I actually make it this time. I want to record what my state of mind was my last day of using suboxone. Maybe it will help someone.

I had anxiety pretty much all week. But I got it all out of me. I'm OK with jumping now. I'm not scared. I re-read what I wrote the last 2 times I jumped. I am fairly certain the mental party will not be a struggle for me this time. I have gone over ways to handle myself and actually experienced anxiety recently that was as bad as the time I jumped. I am learning to deal with it. Some people say that they love being off sub because it makes them feel back to their old self. Well I hated my old self. But that's no excuse to not jump. I will simply change my life if I'm upset with it. Drugs are not the answer. I have low self-confidence and not much pride in myself. I feel that I have coasted through life without major struggle or major accomplishments. When I get through this addiction, I will be proud of myself. I will learn to appreciate little things in life again and feel and know God again. He has really helped me this week. Now that I believe in him again, I'm not so scared.

Apart of me doesn't want to leave my old life. A life of hanging out with the troublemakers, boozin, tokin, smokin, snortin, stealin, wheelin n dealin. It was a nice life and there was always action and fun and being high all the time. For years I have been high on something daily. 5 and a half, actually. Of every day. Before the 5 and a half, there were times of using and drinking and smoking, but they were just a few times a month, then a few times a week, and then for the last 5.5 years, it was every day. Unless I ran out and had to be sick for a couple days or was trying to quit suboxone (which was 3 times). 5.5 years is exactly 25% of my entire life. But I know other people have been closer to 75% of their life. My Dad and Grandpa were alcoholics for decades and they quit, and I can too. They didn't need no doctor and medication, and I won't either. I mean, suboxone was my medication. I mean like depression and anxiety and blood pressure medication that I most likely need and want but can't have. My Dad and Grandpa quit primarily for me. And now it's my turn to quit for them. Even though Grandpa isn't here anymore, I know that he's watching. And he knows I can do it. He's going to be there for me and help me along the way. Heh, it feels good to cry. I haven't cried in months and this week has been emotional for me. But I've got all the crying out. I'm mentally prepare now and am in a good place.

I won't be using L-Tyrosine, even though I just bought a bottle. I won't be using B vitamins, ginseng, 5-htp, or my multi-vitamin. I will try to not use caffeine but I drink several cups of coffee a day and if I stop that now I will have terrible headaches and low-energy. But at the same time, it will give me RLS if I drink any during withdrawals. So I'll try my best to not use any. I have learned that, even on suboxone, those things give me more anxiety than I wish to have. I would rather take the low energy.

I really feel mentally prepared this time. So I only am slightly concerned about the physical part. But, each time I quit, the physical was not that bad and it was over in a few days. But lately I have been doing between 1 and 2 mg per day, so it is possible it will be slightly worse, but I believe there is a chance it won't be. I keep telling myself that remember it was always bearable before, and it will be over sooner than I know it. By this time next week, I will be elated of my success.

Well, that's where my head is at. I will let you know tomorrow night how things are going.

Oh yeah, and I will be taking my last school exam tonight or tomorrow. So I will have 3 weeks of no school, so my stress level will be very low. That will help. I will be working extra hours, though. But that will keep my from laying around and maybe help bring my energy levels back up sooner.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 8:38 am 
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Dear IM,

I was your age 20 years ago, I can really feel for where you are.
I have been through similar to you, although I did not get my shit together, until I was about 29.

I too was just so tired of the never ending cycle, it seemed at the time, that it was almost impossible to escape.
Until, somethng, like what you are feeling, really gives you the shits enough to really make a change.
You are in the process now, even though you think you are not, your change is happening, as we speak.

From what I have read from your posts, you may have to ditch all your friends, that associate with drugs, just as I did, and had to. No exceptions, if yo want a chance at your life back.

trust me, if they are drug takers, they will bring you down, without meaning to, or without you knowing its even happening.
Why are you putting so much pressure on jumping, are you restricted to a limited amount of Bupe/

It does not have to be hard, I am proof if that.
You say you have been using for so long that, you would not even recognise or even like the person, you may meet soon.
I have been there, too, and I promise you, these things can be worked out.

I PROMISE YOU THE REALITY OF WHO YOU REALLY ARE, IS AN EVER CHANGING THING.
Dropping so hard, you may not see, the person who you truly are, for at least a few months,.
And if your will power gets tested too much, it may cause relapse.

Please consider, slowing it down, if possible, give your body time to adjust. don;t worry about the person you truly are, or are afraid of until, you are 100% cured of Bupe.

The day I mastered, never seeing my old drug friends, was the first day of my real life. Since then, that is now the person, I know as me. If you can put at least 1 year between you and any drug, that casues you pain, ie bupe, only then should you question, do I like who i am, or am I happy, or do I need to do anything about the way you feel.


for example, if you can go 1 year with out any bpe, you will finally meet your real self, and if you are still not happy,
there are plenty of safe non opiod medications, to turn that should turn that frown upside down.


Love and hope
Hopespring.
'Get out there and make your mission, to find out exactly who you are, without all the clouded emotions, that drugs give us'


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 11:37 am 
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Hey IM,

I'm glad that God has helped you through this past week and I want you to know that He is always with you, but in my experience, He doesn't always "smoothen" out our path for us.....sometimes we have to go through rough times because it makes us stronger and helps turn us into the person God wants us to be. I know during my wd, it felt like God had left me, but He didn't, He was just letting me go through what He knew I had to go through. It was only after my wd was over that I could see this.

Many of us have the same insecurities about ourselves that you do. Low self-confidence and not much pride in ourselves is pretty common among addicts, so you're certainly not alone there. Maybe if you could get in with some kind of counselor, they could be of help to you.

My best advice for you is to try to keep yourself as busy as you can if you get some wd, sitting around thinking about feeling crappy doesn't help.

We're rooting for ya!!

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 12:37 pm 
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Thanks guys, yeah I'm experienced with ditching friends. I had tons of friends, a party whenever, wherever... if I needed a drug, I had a few contacts for anything. Smokin weed was my thing, and drinking. I had to smoke weed before anything and everything. Of course I did other drugs too. But I decide I wanted a lifestyle change. I had been taking vicodin every day and that made me abandon everything. I decided I didn't like being high all the time because I never got anything accomplished and all my friends were in and out of jail, we were always literally running from the cops, and I just got sick of it. I already had a major lifestyle change, it was 2.5 years ago. I started talking to this guy, he was older and smarter and more mature than all my loser friends my age. So I stopped hangin out with him and my new friend helped me realize smokin weed was not the cool thing to do. Of course he was a huge pothead himself, but he was on suboxone now, and he stopped smokin and I said too. So we fell in love and I ditched my old lifestyle, and I started taking suboxone to get rid of my pill habit, which had turned into oxycotin by then. It was great, I wasn't weighed down by being high anymore, I was never in any danger with the law, and I wasn't getting drunk every night. Ditching friends is easy.

Well, us suboheads got in touch with an old pal, tried some dope for free, and it was all downhill from there. It activated our old habits. Both of us had used heroin for short stints in the past, but this dope was da bomb, it was irresistible. So anyways, yeah I'm still friends with him. He's really my only friend that I actually talk to on a regular basis. It's hard to just leave him. We both have helped each other off the dope and onto suboxone. He been doin only sub for a month now cuz he gets drug tested. But.. he's done so much shit to me in the past.. you know, relationship crap... gettin drunk and associatin with other women.. when I'm done with this sub shit and don't need him, ehh who knows... we haven't been a "couple" in a year and a half, we're still friends, maybe I should continue to forgive him from all the old shit, or maybe I should say, You wronged me once, F u.

Thanks hopespring, you gave some great advice. I agree that ourselves are constantly changing and we should just look towards becoming who we want to be. I think this is my major defining moment in my life when I am transitioning from adolescent years to adulthood. And I look forward to what I'll do with my life. I agree that going one year with your drug can make you realize your old self. When it had been about a year of not smokin any weed, I realized, Wow I really like me. I forgot what life really is supposed to feel like, and I like it. I am comfident I will experience the same thing with opiates. Btw, I thought of you the other day. I was Xmas shopping and I saw that movie Hope Springs and I thought of you, lol :)

Thanks for the advice Romeo, I will remember that we are supposed to suffer here on Earth. We got to feel the bad to feel the good. And this is how God creates character. It is like a mentor of mine said, who did not know that I was an addict, but said his addict friend said, that it is not what you accomplish in life, but it is what you overcome. To me, it's like, you get a bigger kick out of something if you've had the smarts and strength to overcome something to accomplish something. God's my counselor.... lol. It's kind of complicated, but I just don't have the money for any doctors, and certainly can't keep it a secret when I share medical insurance w/ my parents. But thank you for the advice, I know that that is generally what really helps people through these uncertain times.


Last night I could not sleep. It was like I was already in withdrawal. Which is impossible, I did the same amount last night that I always do. So I am remembering that a lot of this withdrawal stuff is caused by my thoughts and I plan to be in a good place mentally for the next couple of weeks. Ahhh... no school. I never thought it would arrive. No school, and no suboxone. Yahoo


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 12:42 am 
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It has been 28 hours since my last dose. I am doing just fine. Of course, yesterday I took a total of 1.5 mg, so of course, the worst will probably not come until tomorrow or Saturday.

My last dose was .4 mg at 7PM Wednesday night.

18 hours after that dose, I started feeling like I needed another dose. I just got that sick feeling, you know, where your central nervous system is stimulated, but you just want to sit down hunched over and do nothing. I made myself exercise, which I have not done since early September. I took a shower, wrapped presents, and got some housekeeping stuff done. More done than I usually do. I laughed a lot more than usual. I ended up having 1 cup of coffee, 1 cup of green tea, and 1 cup of yerba mate before going to work in the late afternoon. I had a terrible headache which is generally caused by not having enough caffeine.

I went to work and at hour 22 the shit started. The yawning, the sneezing, the uncontrollable laughter, and the shuffling on the floor because of low energy. But I have mastered some mind tricks to get myself motivated. It was terrible, I was laughing nonstop at everything. I had a most terrible headache and took 2 Excedrin (130 mg of caffeine). The headache went down a bit, and 3 hours later (now at home), I crashed and went to sleep, which is quite surprising. I felt exactly like how I did every single day of my life after work or school - withdrawing from heroin, and needing to sleep. I used to sleep (or rather, toss and turn for half of the day while going to the bathroom every 20 minutes because withdraws make me very thirsty) every single day after school/work until I could cop some shit. After an hour of napping, I woke up refreshed and did not have the headache at all and felt fine. But I am unable to sleep now.

Time for a soma coma

hehe :) Not really. I can't keep my legs still, so I'm just going to listen to my ipod, and then take 2 somas and go to sleep.

Oh yes, and my nose is already completely clogged up and I'm nasally. Strange! But... it is odd. I had terrible anxiety all freaking week, some of the worst ever and.. now, I'm in my happy place. I haven't been in this lala-happy-place in a long time, and I just love it. I don't know what it is. Oh, and I've had goosebumps like crazy all day. I am just absolutely freezing and actually have on 2 sweaters with the space heater right in front of me. For an example, I am always crazy hot at work. I must wear short sleeves, and even then, I sweat terribly and worry I smell. Today, I had to wear a long sleep zip-up hoody and was terribly cold the entire time with goosebumps. Omg, walking out into the cold took me back to having to go into the city to cop dope every cold, winter night, even when the roads were near closed. God, now those were some tough times. Having to waddle my constipated, goosefleshy body out of the house and into the car, and just moan and kick waiting for the dope. Ughhh. Why the hell did I ever do it??? Ehh who'm I kiddin, I know why I did it. The rush. The pain was worth the rush. And if I could do it all over again, I can't say I wouldn't do it exactly like how I did it. I mean yeah I didn't get perfect grades in college, but I still passed all my classes and got into grad school. I kept my job and everything. I kept my life, too. So.. yes, I am not completely pissed at myself for what I have done, but I am certainly not mourning the loss of my old life. I'm ready for a change and ready to be with society.

Omg, that's the best advice I can give you guys. It is the feeling of belonging. When you are drug free, you feel more connected to people. I've only got a taste of it a few times, but I know it enough to know I like it. There is something about humanity and that we are all in this together, like a communal suffering, that we are here for each other to help each other through our problems. And I like that feeling. I don't feel it when I do drugs. That's why drug using is a lonely, empty life. Of course, I loved it all the way and love being alone, but I do believe that this change will be equally if not more rewarding as for as socially. So yay, I'm joining society more and more every minute, and that's what I look forward to.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 11:48 am 
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OK so this is probably spam but I am just so excited that I had to post something!

The shit has already begun and I am confident it's not going to get much worse, because, day 2 was always the hardest physically for me, and all of my symptoms are already here. Which is weird.. it hasn't even been 48 hours. It has been 40 hours. I already have the bathroom issues, terrible, terrible gas, constant goosebumps and shivering, and lots of sneezing and a runny nose. Those somas were THE SHIT last night! I don't know why I never used them before! I took 2 of them and withint 30-40 minutes I put my head down and didn't wake up until 7 hours later! I think that's why I feel so great right now! Because I had an awesome night's sleep! Right when I woke up, I felt amazing. Then I got up, and felt like "Omg it's that withdraw feeling where you don't even want to lift a finger.." and I think it's because the somas were still in my system you know? So I had only 1 cup of coffee and I'm cuckoo for cocopuffs! So yeah, it's like... it's *sort of* like a cold but cannot even compare! Seriously, my cold that i got a couple months ago was 10 times worse than this. With a cold, it's like I seriously think I'm going to die unless I get to a doctor. This is nothing! I'm going to get ready and go to the art museum now and run some errands. I am just so happy that the bathroom issues have started, because that's always the last sign for me, and I really want the worst to have started by the time I have to go to work tomorrow, so that's why I'm in such a good mood -- b/c the shit has already started. Seriously, if this is as bad as it gets... you guys can do this jumping thing over the weekend. Well I won't speak too soon, cuz I know it's likely it will get worse. That's why I'm keeping my mind busy by going to the museum. It's free, it requires me to walk, but is quiet and not stressful, and I can leave whenever I want, and it will keep my mind stimulated. OK I'll post tonight and tell you guys if anything crazy happens!


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 1:19 pm 
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Hello IM! Just want to congratulate you & encourage you on your "jump!"
I'm glad to hear that you're feeling so optimistic...that's half the battle right there! Speaking of "battle"... I want to recommend an excellent book for you to get into when/if you're having trouble sleeping or just need some self therapy. I know from reading your posts that you're a believer in God and in my opinion one of the best Christian-based resources, other than the bible is a book by Joyce Meyer called The Battlefield of the Mind. It's a best seller and you should have no trouble finding it at about any bookstore or you can get it online, on your Kindle, Nook, iPad or whatever. I can't stress enough how much this book can help you as you progress through this time! Although it's not specifically about addiction, it will help you with that and any other mental struggles you may face. Seriously, it will be money well spent! I promise!
I also wanted to sort of warn you about Soma. I'm not surprised at all that it brought you instant and significant relief. That's because although it's technically a muscle relaxer, it metabolizes into an old-school sedative and it's fairly addictive. So just be careful and discrimanent in your use of it. Personally, having been through too many withdrawals to count, I've got nothing against comfort meds and taking it to help you sleep when w/d is at its worst doesn't have to be a big no-no. Just try not to take it too often. Another thing you mentioned was the bathroom issues...Imodium is virtually harmless and will help a great deal with that problem.
Anyway, hope that helps you some. I'm really praying for your success this time! You're so young and you sound very intelligent and you have goals that are within reach. Plus, you've got your spirituality to guide and comfort you and give you strength! You can put all this drug drama behind you and go on to have a wonderful, productive and happy adult life. One more thing, you mentioned old friends and partying days. While a lot of those times were great fun and you'll cherish the memories....you're at a turning point. Some of those friends will continue on that path and probably never reach their full potential and find true happiness and stability. You, on the other hand, will be an example of how one should grow up, leave those things behind and move on to the next level. The further you get away from that, the more you'll see just how far you've come! While some will spend their twenties and beyond spinning their wheels, continuing the drugs and the partying, you'll be educated, have a career, maybe a family of your own, money in the bank, a home of your own and so forth! So keep up the good work!


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 6:00 pm 
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Thanks for the advice! You are so right about a lot of important things. I think I was addicted to somas before, actually. It was right when I was at the start of my opiate addiction. I got them free from someone every single day just for giving her rides and I did them every single night. I think it was because I was starting my vicodin and oxycotin habit but was not aware that I was already addicted and felt like shit at the end of every day. It got so bad that I started taking them in the middle of the day and overslept my first day of school! And once, I took them before I left a party and I ended up having to have someone without a license drive my car to his house to let me sleep in his bed (he was not in the bed, he was on the floor.. lol.. wow that was seriously messed up on my part..). Actually, I am familiar with the Joyce Meyer book. The friend I mentioned earlier has the book and let me read it a year or 2 ago, although I never got very far in it. I will have to borrow it sometime, thank-you for the recommendation! You are right, I really cherish the moments of my youth. I have been thinking about them all day. And you know what I figure? Although I am tempted to go back to the lifestyle, I just think... number 1, I left that lifestyle for a reason, but number 2, a lot of people never got to experience all of the great times I did. So I am happy I was not some loser that just, like, u know... got all good grades and lived to eat, sleep, and study. I mean, I'm glad that I did all those things while I was still young.

Ahh yes I am taking the immodium, lol. It seems to be working. Sometimes I am tempted to say, Fuck it, I don't want to be a yuppie! But I know that I have to be (to an extent) in order to have my own house some day and not worry about money. Then maybe I can do some "legal" partying, like getting drunk and smoking cigarettes on the weekend like a "normal" person. So I am really glad you brought that up. Because all day I keep thinking, "I'm turning into a sheep! A robot! A drone! A boring high-brow snob!" and you make a very good point. What's better, a life with drugs and living with my parents, or a life in my own house where I can do things the way I want to do them?

So... at first today sucked when I left the house. I found out I need my oil changed and I had a screw stuck in my tire. So I got all that fixed up by my very kind friend I keep mentioning. Then I went to the art museum and god, that place is just full of depression and sadness and suffering. I was there only 20 minutes and left, it was just really bringing me down. So I got in the car and rode the expressway drinking my green tea monster and blasting my music, and that put me back in a chipper mood! I did it for 2 hours, it was great and well worth the gas money. But right when I had gotten out of that museum... damn, I was really thinking about using. And my friend was on his way to pick up some shit (girl and boy) so it was like "eeehhhhh... just blast the music... and remember, communal suffering.... the rest of society is battling these same urges in one form or another... I must contribute my part to society..." and god I must have ran it through my mind a million times, rationalizing how I could score some shit and have a good rest of the day. So I took that long car ride and that always gets my mind off of stuff. So yeah... I am looking forward to a night alone, my parents are gone, so I'll be watching some Trailer Park Boys, eating some pizza and cinammon sticks, and just forward to my night of somas. Although barelyboxed, you are very, very right, I need to seriously consider how many times I will take them. I was looking on the internet and some of them even have codeine in them! Thankfully mine does not. Well anyways... yeah, my pupils and large and in charge, and I have faith that this is as bad as it will get. Which kind of sounds impossible, because seriously, this is wayyy wayyy easier than even 24 hours after a dose of dope. It's strangely easy. Like, I'm not sneezing anymore, and I have lots of energy. And no pain. But I certainly feel out of this world. I feel like I am in a very very strange world that I have never been in my entire life, and it is filled with pain and suffering, but for some reason my weird mind likes it. It sort of makes me appreciate little things more, like a comfy chair, a cup of tea, or a song. And this is only day 2! Out of this world, right??? Well... I sure hope I don't fuck up this time. I seriously, seriously, seriously do not want to. It will only make things worse. I really do feel like I have a pre-disposed brain for mind-altering substances. I don't think normal people see the world as I do. But hell, I don't actually believe that. Everyone has bad days and good days. Everyone is battling their own problems and trying to stay alive and well in this world. I need to suck it up like everyone else. So I can get down at the snap of a finger, so what? I bet most people do actually! And I am not any better than them, I shouldn't sit around high all day while everyone else keeps this great country of America oiled like a well-running machine. I mean, most people drink every single day. That is proof right there that it is just human nature to try and get away from everything. Well, anyways... yeah, I know this all is totally useless to most of you, but I don't know, I thought it might be of use to someone if maybe they are thinking the same thoughts as me and just want some comfort knowing that this withdrawal shit ain't nothing (as far as the physical stuff).

Just for a recap... this last 7 days before I jumped, I did 2 mg some day, 1.5 mg some days, and maybe as low as 1.3 some days. The second-to-last day was 2 mg, and then the last day was 1.5 mg. So yeah... tomorrow I could be unable to get out of bed or something, so you know... stay tuned.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2012 10:16 am 
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It's Day 3 and I'm Home Free!!
(I hope)

Feelin good over here

Well last night I got depressed and thought about dope a lot. I'm on suboxone for 1 year and 1-2 months and only thought about dope once or twice, then the day I quit suboxone, it's all I think about. But I realized, I was listening to a lot of depressing music and isolating myself from the world and I mean, when you're on sub, you're brain is releasing endorphins all freakin day, you can just sit in the lay-z-boy and be all happy you know? Well that isn't gonna no more! It's like I'll feel like the world is the most depressing place in the world but the minute the phone rings I'm bonkers! So yeah... I'm thinkin' I can overcome this whole depression thing if I just start figuring out the things that make me happy.

So, barelyboxed, you got me all scared thinkin them somas were gunna make my body all kinds of messed up, so I only took 1.5 somas last night but wasn't doin so well so I took the other half. The night before, I fell asleep, slept 7 hours straight, and woke up in the same position. Last night, I woke a few times to roll over. And I can't sleep on anything but my back. And I was sleeping all over the place, cuz them somas knock me out, I only have 2 second to flip over and I'm out like a light. I think I was tossing and turning because I was a little anxious about work today.

And yeah I wake up a lil tired, but no anxiety. So I think the somas might be helping there. And i only need 1 cup of coffee, and I'm perfectly awake, but not having any anxiety. I only took immodium once and I'm totally regular. I sneezed a lot when I woke up but took my antihistamine and I'm fine. Other than that... honestly, I cannot think of another withdrawal symptom! I really, really don't think it's going to kick me in the butt tomorrow. I've got goosebumps still all the time but you know, our house is usually only 68 or 69 degrees, and the subs always made me real hot, so I'm not so sure if it's a withdrawal symptom or a just a "im getting back to normal" symptom. Eh well.. I'll let ya'll know how things end up goin today.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2012 12:58 pm 
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Aight here's the deal, u all knew this was gunna happen and I don't wanna hear no sh** about it. I don't share my story here to be told what to do, I share it to just giva ya'll a taste of what could possibly happen to you if you're ever in my situation. I know this topic says "Your Opinion Wanted" but that was for the "it's day 3 and i gunna die" issue. Meh, maybe I should make a new topic but, you know, I just figure the whole situation could serve a purpose for someone and if not well then delete, whatever. Lol.

Well hopespring, you couldna called it better! I slipped up Saturday night. And if I had no way of contacting just that 1 person in my life, it wouldn't have happened. And you know I put in this other thread they say if you got cravings you should just wait 10 minutes and you'll be fine and you know, if I wouldna grabbed the phone like a dummy, that would have happened! Just 5 minutes after I got off the phone, I didn't even have a desire to use anymore. But you know how sh** goes, you can't just be callin up people makin plans and then call back and say forget it. And I had some things lined up I was gettin a ton for free and yeah I'm stupid, I know what I did wrong and I don't want to hear no shit about it from you all cuz I ain't here to get your little cutesy ideas floatin around, I know what I'm doin. Yeah it was stupid, I mean yeah I had one of the best nights of my life, and I wasn't even sick the next day but I took the teeniest tiniest little piece of sub 24 hours later just to be sure. But even 12 hours after that I was already sneezin.

I am not going to ellaborate, but let's just say there is not one way in this entire universe I can get dope again. So yeah from here on out you're going to be hearing the rest of my withdraw story. I'm not going to explain what's going on because lately I've been paranoid about this site. What the he** is the purpose of this thing anyways? I was reading some scientific articles the other day when I ran across Dr. J's name, sayin about how he made this site and everything and I don't remember the exact reason but it was something like so that the addicts when they type in "suboxone" this forum will come up and then they can have some of their questions answered or something but you know all this law sh** stuff goin on and the monopoly with the companies and stuff what's up with that? I mean how do we know that there aint some guys sittin around readin all of our sh** stories and trackin our IP addresses or at least getting some ideas on how to shake down some shit or something you know? Ehh I know it's paranoid talk but I'm tellin u I don't want to post here no more, it's startin to scare me. I ain't sayin nothin about Dr. J, I ain't sayin nothin about the people runnin this forum, it ain't like that. I'm talkin about the investigators from other places, strolllin the internet, findin out who's doin what. They ain't gunna come on over to 1 stupid little person. They're just going to see what people are doing and then they're going to go make some big change and well it may or may not be happening but you know just in case one day it does, I'm just playin it safe with what I say you know?

But I will keep posting just on the off chance that one of you can get a glimpse into what might happen when you quit subs.


Well anyways yeah I 'm depressed but I like it. It's far from anxiety and that's all I care about. Anxiety sucks. Yeah the world is a totally different place now, it's dark, but for some reason I love it. Probably because when I'm depressed, I'm relaxed. And I like relaxed. That's how I got on this shit in the first place. Like how I thought the museum was a depressing place? It wasn't the museum. I still feel like that. But I'm already used to it. And you know how I been sayin communal suffering and everything? Well work is great, you know why? Because, before opiates, work dragged on forever whenever I was there. Then on opiates and subs, I was in lala land and loved every minute of it. I was like one of them perfect computers that only know how to be bubbly and happy and do everything perfect. Well now I'm off the shit and it's back to work being the place of hard work that drags on forever. But guess what? Everyone else there is feelin' like that too, and we're in it together, and I do a pretty good job at crackin jokes and makin the time go by and makin fun out of our misery, and I feel closer to my co-workers now cuz we're all in this communal suffering together. Thus, we are finding communal "diversion" together, which leads to communal happiness, which is a hell of a lot better than isolated happiness, sittin at home high by myself.

Anyways... yeah I'm sure that little crumb of sub is still in my system, you can't take my word for sh**, I fucked up, and well so be it if anything learn from my dumba** mistakes.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 12:02 am 
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Wow, I am sorry for that last post. I am such a grump and don't care about anything right now. I'm swearing a lot and just seeing everything as one big world against me. I did another crumb of sub tonight. I want to make sure this dope shit isn't messing with my system more. Like I said, I'm not doing the stuff again. Pretty soon my friend is going back to jail, anyways. And I've got school in 3 weeks. I can't blow it this time. Yeah, this stuff isn't easy. Yeah, I've been draggin this whole time, with no energy. Like my body just wants to sleep, but my heart is racing. But I have hope that if I can just stop taking crumbs, deal with it for a week or 2, it will go away. Just lettin u all know... u may want to prepare for a real grumpy mood. But even before I took that crumb, I got a lot of stuff done today. I even went to the library and checked out some books to read so I can understand those paintings I saw at the museum, and maybe in a couple weeks I'll go back there so I can understand what's going on in them. I mean, yeah it's a snooze but I'm kinda pumped for it, you know, the Dark Ages were real dramatic, there's a lot of interesting stuff that happened that they don't teach you in grade school, and history repeats itself, some of it's still goin on today.

Well, I always get my cravings when the sun goes down. So I got some stuff planned for tomorrow night. My goal is to not do a crumb at all tomorrow. And I plan on going to bed at like 9 PM cuz that's when I get tired and start getting cravings. Really, my body just needs its rest.

I really really want to not do any crumbs, because then I can tell you all an accurate account of what it's like to quit. I mean who knows, maybe these crumbs are keeping my body from going into serious withdraws. I really doubt it though. I think all that will happen is I will be grumpy for about 1 week and have low energy, then feel a little better but still be grumpy for an additional week, and hell, maybe by next week I'll have a lil sunshine in my life. Ahhh, I'm just going to shut down for a few weeks, and it will all be over. And hey, even if it is PAWS that will last 6 months... I'm sure by a couple weeks I'll know how to handle it, and if I'm goin crazy, all I got to do is go to a physician, pay 10 bucks for a prescription of antidepressants, I don't even have to tell them about my lil problem, and you know, take them on a low dose a couple months and pretty soon it will be summer and I can just relax. So yeah that's my plan.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 12:34 pm 
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You don't have to apologize for your previous post, I think a lot of us have been where you are and I would think most of us understand what you're going through. Going through wd, then slipping a bit, then going through wd again is hard on the noggin. Also, don't worry about the swearing, I do it all the f*cking time.....ooops, just did again!! :D

I'm like you in that my cravings seem to be at their worst about when the sun is going down and into the early evening. I think that's because that's the time of day I would usually be getting off work. Back in my active using days, getting off work meant getting really high. I think you're smart to recognize that's a weak time of day for you and to schedule activities for yourself.

Hang in there!

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 12:48 pm 
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There were days when I was using and I was sick and couldn't find a F'ing thing (ended up driving an hour for lousy MScontin just to get out of WD), then there were times I was dead set on being clean, like when I was in PHP and some random guy tells me he's picking up 300 Roxis. What I'm trying to say is, don't think there is no way in hell you will be able to get anything again. Somehow the opportunity finds us. But you do sound really determined, so I know you can do it if you really want to.

Also, those crumbs? What wouldn't make a bit of difference when we were on a steady dose can suddenly make a lot of difference when we're off. I'm not saying don't take them, I actually think taking super small doses HELPS the WD process be bearable, making you more likely to suceed. You might want to quantify what you are taking. Is it something like 1/8th or 1/16 of an 8mg? If so that's 0.5 to 1mg, which is actually a pretty fair amount after you have gone off. What I'm hoping to do this time around is keep track better - maybe to take smaller crumbs farther apart.

Anyway, I hope you don't resent the input. I'm hoping to go off again very soon, and I'm following taper threads pretty closely. You seem well grounded and you're not afraid to be real. I appreciate that. I really wish you success.
Lilly


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 10:55 pm 
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Thanks guys, I appreciate the input. You're right Lillyval, opportunities do come out of the blue. I have found opiates in the strangest of places as well from strangers like you said too. Somehow we find each other. Or, there are a lot more of us than we realize. I don't know what the crumbs were because they were from subutex. I would guess it was no more than a 1/32 both times, and then 1/16 today (yeah I did it again).. I don't even know why! I was just freaking bored and just.. you know... knew a crumb wouldn't really matter.. but you are right I certainly feel it, no doubt about it. Romeo, you are right, I just got out of work and it's the first thing I think of.

I'm going to post when I've been 7 whole days without anything. If I don't mess up again.. that will be on Christmas. So Happy Holidays to ya'll, hopefully I'll c ya then. I'll be making a new thread, because once it's been 7 days, I know that it's going to be for real.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 2:39 pm 
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If you want to get off suboxone you should taper off the drug very very slowly. I'm talking like taking a quarter less a month or more. That's how the drug is supposed to work the right way.....I mean I did it and it took me 2 years but after I completely tapered, I felt completely normal. Idk subs never got me high.....but they sure did help me get off of Oxys. I hope you eventually get off subs.


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