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PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 1:38 pm 
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I've been thinking about both of u today!

Kelly I'm so glad you posted and mentioned Monica! Cuz all day, I was thinking about u, and that episode where Monica has a cold and she just wants to bang Chandler and go and go and that's how I feel except about school work not love making, cuz I'm all stuffy and disgusting but have all this vigor, and somehow your lil screename pops in my head throughout the day, that I'm "goinstrong" :D

And Romeo thats real funny about what you said about prayin and I haven't forgotten u say that exercise is great it's on my list of things to do when this cold lets up

and thank ya'll for the cheers :)


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 10:21 am 
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THANKS Romeo now I can't pray without thinking about that!!! :P

*whew* ok I slept 8 hours last night... didn't even have to bust out the seroquel during this whole thing

Last night, I got all deep. U know like all introspective. I thought about using but I realized No... welcome old friend, it's been a long time. And I got all in touch with myself. I haven't felt like that in a very long time.

Well that's about it if things get crazy I'll warn u all taperers but for now dare I say but it's like I'm back to... "normal".... not high school normal, I mean before all the pot smoking and the downers... I mean like, a real productive person. I never thought I would feel like my old self ever again. And it's only day 6


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 10:36 am 
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I forgot to include the most important part...

I actually ran and exercised for almost an hour yesterday and mentally I feel totally fine. So yeah all this no-energy-for-the-first-2-months-not-including-PAWS stuff does not seem to apply to everyone


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 11:24 am 
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By Saturday or Sunday, keep in mind that a lot of the physical stuff will be over with and also keep in mind how tough the physical part may have been the first week or so. That is a lot of the reason it kept me from going back early on. I didn't want to go through that shit again. And track your days like you are doing. Milestones also helped get me through thus far.

You're doing great. I'm so happy and so proud of you. It only gets better from here just keep that mind over matter mindset. You are stronger than the urge and eventually the urge goes away the stronger you are and the longer you go.

Charlie

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 11:44 am 
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invisiblemovement wrote:
I've been thinking about both of u today!

Kelly I'm so glad you posted and mentioned Monica! Cuz all day, I was thinking about u, and that episode where Monica has a cold and she just wants to bang Chandler and go and go and that's how I feel except about school work not love making, cuz I'm all stuffy and disgusting but have all this vigor, and somehow your lil screename pops in my head throughout the day, that I'm "goinstrong" :D

And Romeo thats real funny about what you said about prayin and I haven't forgotten u say that exercise is great it's on my list of things to do when this cold lets up

and thank ya'll for the cheers :)


[font=Comic Sans MS]
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!! Ya, and in the end she wins!!!! She tricked Chandler into
sex by rubbing Vicks all over herself! LOL! Gosh are we easlily entertained or what!?!?
That's ok though, better than being a stiff!

And Yeah, last two nights I couldn't pray without thinking that God was gonna knock me out soon! LOL!
Thanks for the laugh Romeo....It's so nice to have members that have a sense of humor, even through
all of out struggles. I truly do love this forum![/font]

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 3:11 pm 
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:shock: ........... :shock: ..............IM, you...........you..........GASP............exercised!!! WHOA!!! Good for you!!!

LOL about the praying and falling asleep....some nights it gets stuck in my head too. Some nights I get done my prayers and I'm still wide awake and I'm all like, "Hey God, I'm done praying now, knock me out, would ya?" Good thing my God has a great sense of humor or he'd probably zap my ass with a lightning bolt sometimes.

Ummm, what the hell is wrong with Chandler, since when do men have to be tricked into having sex? :lol:

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2012 8:37 pm 
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haha ya but I think Chandler is a germ-a-phobe or something. Or is that Ross?

I don't want to post this but I would be lieing if I just stopped posting so I might as well say it, I did .5 mg of subs today. My pupils are specs. It wasn't physical. I just want to know if what I was experiencing was normal so if anyone has experienced the following just tell me so I can relax and plow through it the next time it happens.

I was having a perfect day starting with my fav. breakfast and whatnot. Then around noon I started to get my weird feeling. This is a feeling that I cannot describe very well but have been to psychologists and doctors since I was 8 b/c it sucks. They have said it was GAD, they have said it was depression, I just know it is something along the lines of depersonalization or derealization. Been through cognitive w/e therapy, been through a long list of antidepressants, neurontin, and then stopped taking them when I started using opiates because they took the weird feeling away. I just want to know if this is something everyone feels or if it is just me. It is where I suddenly do not feel like I am me anymore, or my house is my house, even looking in the mirror I don't see me. It's a scary feeling that you think will never go away. I went through my rounds of what has worked when I was younger, watching particular tv shows, listening to certain music, talking to certain people, taking a walk, laying down, making plans for the weekend. I could not do my work, I could not focus, because nothing seemed the way it was, unable to get ahold of my surroundings. All I can say is it is such a weird feeling you will do anything to make it go away.

I realize this could have just been a passing moment, that everyone goes through after using opiates, that it is all part of the process, and that it will get better in a few days, and gradually over a few months it will go away. So if this happened to you just tell me so I can stop worrying about it.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 1:12 pm 
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Reflecting on yesterday, I think there is a very simple explanation. Of course my surroundings appeared weird, I had not looked at them in such a mindset in years. It would be silly to think that that would not have happened. Being in the same stable downer mood for years, looking at everything from a particluar perspective, and then having your brain being placed in a new context, a brain without depressants, of course things will look different.

Anyone trying to quit subs, don't worry about what I posted yesterday. After taking suboxone again, which made me terribly itchy, making me think that my tolerance dropped very quickly, I realize that it makes me totally unaware of everything around me. The forgetfullness, the not a care in the world, slowed down thoughts. You take that all away, and what have you got? An over-stimulation of everything around you, unfamiliar with all of these racing thoughts, of course your environment will feel and look different. Well, here goes attempt number 1001. My plan is to convert my weird feelings into something creative, just let it all out, instead of fighting it, trying to hide it, to destroy it, I might as well embrace it b/c that's the way it's supposed to be and who knows maybe it will turn into something great.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:09 pm 
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Thinking back to when I went off Sub I totally relate to everything you have been posting; needing about half the sleep I "needed" on Sub, having my sense of humor come back first (along with love of music and sex drive). Remembering all those feelings coming back made me feel really bad about going back on Sub. But there were also the negatives. For me it was just not feeling comfortable in my own skin, and wanting to change that feeling at any cost. I know what you mean about having your pupils pinned and being itchy from just 0.5 mg of Sub. When you have no tolerance you realize how strong the drug actually is. When I took 2mg after not having any opiates for over 2 months I actually puked. But being the good addict that I am that didn't stop me.
If you're anything like me the only way not to take Sub during those rough feelings is not to have it around anymore, period. Hopefully the GAD symptoms will subside over time. If not maybe you can get on another (non-addictive) med for it. Taking that 0.5mg didn't set you back at all IMO, as long as you don't keep going with it. You've already proven to yourself that you can function without it.

I'm really glad you posted your experience. I have found that people, both in groups and on forums, don't like to talk about their slips, and will put up a front like everything is ok. But the reality for a lot of people is that they DO struggle. I used to think it was just me, and everyone else "got it". But I'm finding that people I know in recovery have had relapses that I never knew about. And I think getting that shit out into the light is really important. I'm an open book right now. So I really appreciate your honesty.
Keep going - you're doing great
Lilly


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:13 pm 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Hi there IM! You know, I just wanted to say that I think that you have one of the greatest attitudes
of anyone that I have ever talked to. I admire the way that you are able to think through what just hapenned
and keep it in perspective. Some people always seem to make a mountain out of a mole hill. They treat
everything in their life as a crisis. If an actual crisis ever did strike, noone would react. It would be the same ol
same ol to everyone around them.

You have this way of taking events for exactly what they are. No more No less. You don't minimize it, and you certainly
don't blow it out of proportion. I imagine that you are a very cool chick to hang out with.
You just do what you've been doing and you are going to be fine. If there was a perfect way to do this, we wouldn't
even have this forum. We wouldn't need doctors, or each other. We would already know what it is, and do it.
This is a very unique proess for everyone, and I admire that you are taking the time to get to know yourself. To tune
in to who you are, what you feel, and most importantly, what you need. Every time you learn something new about
yourself, and that is going to keep you moving forward.

I'm glad that this didn't set you back. You just keep your head on straight, like it has been, and keep moving
forward~Take Care[/font]

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 7:18 pm 
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Oh my gosh you girls are going to make me cry!! It is really great to know that you guys don't hate me. I mean.. I know that hate would be kind of strong for a person you only know by typing but you're guys' positive words mean so much to me. I would love to say I haven't done any more, but that's not the case, after 24 hours I took .25. I realized this was the worst times to deal with mental crap when I can deal with it when I'm not 2 weeks behind on my schoolwork. If you don't get A's in grad school, they put you on probation. If you get a B twice you lose credit. We're talking thousands of dollars on the line here, it's a lot of stess being 2 weeks behind. Yeah OK so I could just plow through it anyways but I'm trying to just not get worked up over everything and you know, when I'm caught up in a few weeks or so, I will quit subs again. It was not hard, like Lilly you said I realized I can function without it, I mean so I tried to quit twice and failed twice, but it's not like I starting taking pills or anything, and I learned a few things that I'm sure will make it even easier next time. I don't need to actually quit for another 1.5-2 years when I'll be job hunting, so I can afford to take my time like this. But that doesn't mean that I'm just going to party -- like TJ said, I'm just going to live pillow to pillow, worry about what needs to be done each day. Yeah I'm getting high to do schoolwork. I'm no one special, the world doesn't stop for no one, there's no excuse to be getting high, but that's just the way it's going to be for now. At least get my stuff together before I jump the next time.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 6:39 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]OK, First and foremost, we would NEVER hate, or even dislike you for being honest with us.
I think that everyone needs support from time to time in their life, and this is just one of those times
for you. Thank you for taking the journey with us.

As far as quitting sub goes~I think that you should hold off on that for a little while. Why stress yourself
out about it right now. From what I can tell, you have already got enough stress in your life with school.
It sounds like you are up to your elbows in school work. Focus on that for right now, and worry about this
later. I would keep your dose as low as you possibly can. Like the .25 pieces. Take them only when needed,
and then worry about jumping later. It's like you said, you are going to have time later on to do this.

I am here for you no matter what. Just keep on keeping on!!!!! Take Care~[/font]

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:09 pm 
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IM,

If I were you, I would look at your attempts to quit Suboxone as practice runs. You've learned something each time you stopped Suboxone that you can use to your advantage in the future. If you need to stay on Suboxone for a good while longer, then I think that's completely fine.

Any way you look at it, I think you're doing real good.

Keep your head up!!

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:44 pm 
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Thank-you Kelly and Romeo, it is great to have a load lifted off my conscience, from the guilt

I have learned from this whole thing the past few days, any time anyone says that I'm really messing up, or that I'm being stupid, it always makes me say in my head, Fuck you I can do whatever I want and go lock myself away and do a bunch of sub.

OK so it wasn't a bunch but it was more than .25 pieces

I know it's immature thinking... but it is what it is... always wanting to do what people tell you you can't
Unless of course you have no choice because it is locked up 7 miles away
lol
I guess telling someone to hang on to my sub that is very easily persuaded was not the best idea

*Just wanted to say --- thanks for being positive

But of course, I welcome the tough love voices too... a balance between the 2 is ideal


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 7:10 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Hey IM~ Just wanted to check in with you and see how you are. I know you've posted in other peoples
threads and all, but I want to know about YOU.

How are you? How is the jump/taper going? Wasn't your goal Thanksgiving???? I hope I'm remembering
correctly.....either way, I am very interested to know how you are!!! If you feel up to it, fill us in!
I hope that you had a wonderful thanksgiving. Hope to hear from you soon! Kel[/font]

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 23, 2012 1:12 pm 
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Hey Kelly, yes the goal was Thanksgiving, thanks for asking. But I have all my final project due next week and I need these 4 days off of work to do the projects. It just seemed like a stupid time to jump once it got closer and I realized there was no way I could get the projects done early because one of my coworker's husbands got put in the hospital and I've had to fill in for her at work and I have not had much time for school work. Plus exams are in 2 weeks, so it's like, you know, my big thing is anxiety when I quit, so why not just wait the extra 3 weeks to jump when I don't have to worry about anything. I won't have 4 days off work, I only get 2 days in a row off each week, but that's OK because going to work on day 1 is easy, then day 2 is the worst, and on day 4 I have always gone to work and been fine so yeah it's not perfect with 4 days off but totally doable. I got up to 1 mg every day. That's high for me considering I was down to .3 mg at one point. But you see, being under the ceiling and dragging out these quit dates, my addict part just always wants more and nothing is ever good enough. It's like I'm in that limbo stage where the sub isn't doing enough for me but is too high to just quit. So my quit date is December 15, a Saturday. I am confident I will really do it this time. I haven't felt myself lately. Yes the sub makes me work and work but spiritually I am totally dead inside. I just don't feel like me. I feel like my mind is going a mile a minute and I can't calm down. The sub makes me work and work and not have time to talk to myself. I miss that about quitting. I always would feel so proud and happy to be sober. I've started to keep a diary to read when I quit so that I remember all the things I hate about being on suboxone. There's plenty of things I love, like the physical feeling, but there are some things that I don't like about it, like how it's illegal for me and I'm scared I'll get pulled over and searched one day or something crazy.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2012 7:51 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]Ya know what? When the time is right...you will know it. Don't stress it too much. And yeah, I totally
agree with you on the point that trying to do it while having all of these final projects due...probably isn't
the best idea. After all, you don't wanna pull a Monica!

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about being up to 1mg either. I don't really know what to say to
you to make you feel ok about that. I do understand what you mean about the addict in us wanting
more more more though. You are at that dose where a lot of people "feel" their dose. So that certainly
can't help.

I hope that all of your finals work out for you, and I hope that you had a wonderful thanksgiving. Listen,
don't be such a stranger to your own thread. A lot of us care how you are and how you are making it.
I think that the diary is a great idea. That way you can look back, and say, Oh ya....THATS why I hate you sub!
LOL! But I also think that if you post it out (how you are feeling), you may get some good feedback
from other members who have been there.

Anyway, keep us posted ok? Take Care~ Kelly[/font]

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 Post subject: Withdrawals
PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2012 11:44 am 
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I slipped up on the china last night


The withdraw must have not made you too happy or you would not have done this. I pray you can stay clean.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2012 2:59 pm 
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Thanks for your thoughts, Cammiek. After slipping up a few times I realized it's just not worth it.

Thanks for your input, Kelly. My dose went up in a weird way. I was going .6 mg and doing just fine. Then my ex went to jail and I used subutex and it's hard to cut those things up without a pill cutter so I just guessed on my doses. Then 2 weeks later he got out and I got some strips and realized I barely felt the .6 so I bumped it up to 1 mg a day but still I wasn't feeling it. But I wasn't sick. I didn't need more. But I kept wanting to take it, so I would take my exact does of 1 mg strip and then cut off a piece of the subutex pill. I have probably been doing more like 2 mg I fear some days because after just trying 1 mg of strip per day it does not feel the same. I've learned about all this crap about my ex, we haven't been technically dating because I moved out to try and get on sub while he wasn't ready but we would still talk several times a day and hang out and be close and all. Well there's been this other woman this whole time. Which is fine, because we aren't together. But it really hurt me anyways because I always told him when I would talk to other guys (which was only once, for a week, and we never hung out let alone did anything) and he's been doin shit with this lady for the last 8 months, which is fine, but I would have just liked to know. I didn't realize how much I still loved him. So of course, I turn to my regular coping mechanism - doing more opiates. But I didn't slip up. I just did more suboxone. What a mistake. I was doing probably no more than 2 mg of subutex and when I took more I would not feel it. Instead, the side effects kicked up full blast. Headache, nausea, dizzyness, tired, slightly red eyes, droopy eyes, walking slow. It looked like I was on drugs. I don't remember subs ever doing any of this to me. It was seriously like taking vicoden the first time, where I would have to lay on the couch and shut my eyes to not throw up. And stupid me, I kept doing this every single night. That's why I hate suboxone now. Well, not really hate suboxone... really I'm just diappointed in myself. I've learned to not get angry over it but instead see my problem, realize I am an addict, and just learn to do the right thing. So I made a taper schedule. Then at night, I realize how much school work I still have to do, and I take more subutex, then get the bad side effects and go straight to bed. It's so stupid that I do this. Anyways, that's why I want to quit. Among other reasons. It's making me not take interest in anything. I'm not going to become a productive member of society with a good career this way.

I'm not scared to quit. The first time I ever quit was before I even started my "suboxone treatment". I was still doing heroin and my ex went to jail. I had a ton of suboxone to hold me. But I needed money. I took 1 or 2 a day for 2 weeks and then I had to sell the rest, so for about 1 more week I took only 4 mg a day. I sold the last of them, and I went to find my emergency stash, and it wasn't there. I tore the room apart - nothing. I quit cold turkey, on 4 mg a day. I was only on sub for 3 weeks though, but before that, it was black tar. I sat on the couch watching Looney Toons for about 4 days straight, just wanting to jump out of my skin and tossing and turning all night. But I found an old prescription for Zoloft and Paxil and took a few of each every day and that just kind of made me "out of it" for the whole week. I even went to work 2 days that week and I almost fell asleep from the Zoloft and it made my pupils huge. But it made me not freak out. At the end of the week, I was already back to normal. Anyways... yeah, I know that I've done a worse jump before, so I am not too worried about the jump this time. I made it through those other 2 recent jump just fine except for the anxiety and I think I will make some videos of me talking that I will watch when I get anxious, to remind myself that everything will be OK.


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 Post subject: You CAN do it!
PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2012 11:56 pm 
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Invisibile-

I have been lurking on this forum for awhile and your story has me really concerned. I am day 5 of Suboxone withdrawal after being on 16mg for 6 months, then weaning down to 4mg over two weeks. I know it's not easy, but you CAN do it!

#1 You need a therapist to help with coping skills, because when the going gets tough and you have work to do, you are making excuses to just "go ahead and take it". You need to change your pattern of thinking. YOU DON"T NEED SUBOXONE TO GET THINGS DONE- YOU are the one who has done all that work and worked and gone to school, not your meds. YOU can do it! Your therapist can help with with throught process change. You are just like me, your thought process is, "I need to get something done, I need some help- time to take my dose". We need to change that process, we need to say, " I can do everything that I can, and what I can not finish will have to wait". We can't conquer the world right now, it's sad but true. Things are going to slack for just a short while, BUT- at the end of the few weeks/ months- your life is BACK!!

#2 Go back and read your first post in this feed- you were so positive and happy to have control again, and you are so close. Stop saying "TOMORROW I WILL..." That was my problem and that "tomorrow" ended up to be a three year roller coaster of using and detxoing, the cycle has to end and I can hear the hope in your posts. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

#3 When you feel like screwing up, come on here, or call a friend and say, "I am having trouble and thinking of using", hopefully to someone who will support you through it, instead of enabling you. Saying it outloud, " I want to use", takes away some of the power, it gets the idea out there and away from your brain that has been obsessing about it. I know this feeling drags on, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

#4 There with NEVER be the perfect time to quit and you are like me, just not able to taper. You are having addictive behavior to the Suboxone, which means it is no longer effective in treating your withdrawal. You truely need to stop as soon as you get your next little break.

#5 When you are able to truely quit- THOW AWAY ALL Subxone or any other opiates, etc that might tempt you- that is a relapse waiting to happen.

#6 Know that everyone here is in some part of the journey and we all know and won't judge you. We truely wish you the best and I really do have faith in you. Try to find it in yourself.

God Bless and good luck on your journey.

It honestly breaks my heart how many times you have gone back and forth in your thinking just in the past few months.


God Bless and good luck on your journey.


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