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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 2:43 am 
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Its so funny how life is, today was day three on my sub and I can tell my body is getting adjusted to it nicely, and I got to decorate the third day on my "clean" calendar that I made. Physically and mentally I feel awesome, its still just so cool to look in my purse and think of what kind of FOOD or MOVIES or FUN i'm going to spend the money that is in there on instead of drugs. Its awesome to go without crying for 3 days. Its awesome to drive down the road with my music blaring and my windows down singing to my songs and dancing in my car--instead of just spacing and nodding out at every stop light looking like a zombie.

However, as when some things in your life go up others go down, and it seems that now that I am finally on the right track, a few consquences from my past are coming at me already, and I'm not sure how to deal with them. First my current boyfriend, the good one, made a comment today about how he "Can't wait for my body to adjust to the sub and feel good again so that we can get back to how we used to act toward each other..." and at first I had no clue what he was talking about or why he would even say that. I asked him what the hell could he mean? I DO feel good, I AM adjusted, I feel better than I have in SO long! But then it hit me, when I was all skagged out all I did all day was lay and cuddle with him in that lovey drugged out stupor, and now that I'm on the sub, I dont' want to just lay in bed all day, and I am spending less time with him, well not less time WITH him but less time being all intimate and cuddly with him because I am up and doing things like running errands, cleaning the apt, and creative stuff.

So I can see where he would get the impression that I'm not paying near as much attention to him. And I don't know what to do to remedy it. I can't just lay around with him being lazy on the bed for the entire day anymore, so all I can think to do is reassure him that I do still feel the same about him, I just have so much newfound energy with sub I am trying to figure out where to distribute it all, and just asked him to give me time. I'm just hoping this isn't a sign of an ultimatum to come.

Now onto the other thing. ugh. talk about your actions in the past catching up to you. OF COURSE this has to happen as soon as I get help, and not before when i wouldn't have cared and would have just ran. As i'm sure all of you understand, when we're in the midst of addiction sometimes we do...less than honest things. Well about 8 months ago, I was really hurting for money for oxy, and well, without going into too much detail, I'll just say as a manager at where i work I found a loophole in accounting that enabled me to get what I needed one night. It wasn't a WHOLE lot of money, but just enough to get me a good fix that ONE time, and after that I was too scared to do it again. Since then nothing has come up about it, and I figured it had just fallen through the paperwork. Well tonight when I got to work, I overheard my bosses talking about how they had found out about the incident as it came up in their yearly audit, and were launching a full investigation (whatever that means) to find out who did it. Now I am scared shitless as to whats going to happen. Theres only a small chance even now that they will find out who it was, but there is that chance.

I feel like total shit about it. It was wrong, it was dishonest, it was cheating, it was flat out stealing. Even when I did it at the time I couldn't believe I had actually stooped to that level. I know that I have never done anything like that since, and value my job greatly and would be so upset if that one stupid action made me lose it, so I don't know what to do. Any advice? I was thinking about just coming clean, admitting it and trying to explain that I had a drug problem then and although that doesn't excuse it, it does explain it, but I have gotten help since then. Maybe then they will just fire me instead of taking further action. Consequences...catching up to me. Anyway this is just whats been on my mind lately. Thanks for reading.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 8:28 am 
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Oh BOY! These are both some toughies! The boyfriend one is easier for me than the money/job one so I will tackle that first.

I understand the boyfriend one because I have been through it. In the beginning it was my excitement over being able to actually "do things" I couldn't do before and then it was that I started getting really tired on the sub any time I laid down. So long as I kept moving I was ok. So the snuggly cuddly thing didn't work because I would be asleep in minutes. My husband isn't as vocal so I wasn't aware of my behavior for quite a while but I did ignore him. I think asking for time was the right thing to do for now. At about two weeks, I think you need to make time for him and for the relationship. This is probably scary for him too. For my husband, there were parts of my personality he "liked better" when I was on OC. Like my sexual appetite. So I had to remember to initiate as often as possible. I also had to make a conscious effort to accept his advances even when I wasn't entirely interested. Don't get me wrong. I knew I would become interested as soon as we started. It was just starting that was the problem. Some might think this is a bad idea, but he seems pretty happy with it and it is working for me also. I also make an effort to get involved in whatever he is doing. So if he decides to cook, I will offer to cook with him. If he does yard work, I come outside. I make sure I pay him compliments when they are deserved and I make sure I grab his butt every now and again or give some other kind of physical affection outside the bedroom so he knows I am thinking about him. I have a tendency to be a bit selfish at times and he IS an amazing part of my life. He has stood by my side through the best and the worst of my life and he has supported me. I have to remember to treat him that way and to treat the relationship as though it is as important as it truly is to me. He deserves that. That is what I try to do.

In terms of the money/job issue, I am probably about to say something extremely unpopular. If you don't think they can figure out where the money went, then don't say anything. If there is any way you can make the money re-appear without them knowing who did that, then do so. I wouldn't say anything because I wouldn't want to lose my job "now". I think you would be fired if you were honest about it period. You won't be doing it again, so I don't see how that does anything for anyone. It puts them out a good manager and you out a good job. Now....if you do nothing, you will have a huge guilt thing that will eat you alive if you don't somehow rectify it. This is why I suggest finding a way to put the money back if you can do so without them finding you out. Either this, or find another job and then tell on yourself. That way you have something lined up. On the other hand, if they "can" catch you and you say nothing, then you could have a legal charge against you for theft. You do NOT want to go to jail or deal with legal crap. I would much rather lose my job than deal with legal crap. So if you think there is any way they could find out, then pay it back, fess up. You should avoid legal charges this way if it isn't that much money. Whether or not I told them about the drug problem would depend on what kind of owners I was working for. Most of them will fear you will do it again and if there is a drug problem on board they will fear it even more. If they are the compassionate type, then they might keep you on and let you pay it back. I just don't see them allowing you to keep a management job with access to money if they are afraid you will do it again. I wish I had better advice for you. You are in a super pickle on this one. Bummer.

Hang in there. Don't let this stuff get the best of you. You are young and have a long time to recover from this.

Cherie


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 8:59 am 
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I agree with jackcrack, sometimes our spouses actually liked certain aspects of who we were when we were in active addiction. I, too, had to find new ways to make my husband better appreciate how my sobriety is way better for me and the marriage. You got great advice - find different ways to make him aware that you love him, want him, and think of/about him. Did you explain why you did the laying around thing then, but not now? If not, you might consider explaining it to him. You also might pick a time each week to set aside to spend cuddled together, be it in bed or on the couch watching TV or a movie.

As for the money, let me start by saying according to 12-step programs, we're supposed to make amends for those we've injured during active addiction. That said, I do NOT believe in 12-step programs, but some people do and it works well for them.

Just wanted to mention that. I'm NOT saying you should necessarily take responsibility for it now. In fact, Jackcrack's advice might just be the way to go. I agree that if they do figure out it was you, you'll most certainly be fired. (BTW, if you don't mind my asking, how much $$ was it?). Think hard about the ways in which they will investigate the loss and try to ascertain if it can be traced back to you...Can they track it to a certain date/time? Were you working that day? Are there security cameras? If you decide to not fess up, make damn sure they can't trace it back to you. Paying it back anonymously is a good idea, too, and might ease any guilt you're carrying around.
Now, if for whatever reason you don't decide to go that route and instead choose to admit responsibility, I would say it might be worth considering telling them about your addiction. This would depend however, on how long you've been clean since the event. Perhaps the fact that you took responsibility and they know you've been in recovery for a solid amount of time, you might not lose your job. This also depends on how long you've worked there and your overall work record.

I'm not going to advise you as to which is the best. Only YOU must make the decision, because you must live with it. But consider this: In the future, which decision will you be least likely to regret? Sometimes I find that's a great way to make a decision. Which one will bite us in the ass down the road less.

I don't know if this helped or just muddied the waters.

Keep us posted and I wish you the best whatever you decide.

Melissa

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:22 pm 
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wow thanks a lot hat and jack that gives me some good stepping stones to go off of.

On the work issue, it was about $200 give or take, and unfortuantely i cannot think of a way to easily give the money back without it looking super obvious. See, how it worked was, when the employees at my work meet certain sales numbers at the end of the month, they are assigned points, and after so many points, they get to turn them into cash, in the form of a check being mailed. Well a lot of times there are employees that only work here a short amount of time and quit, and never knew or got familiar with the point program, so employees from years ago that will never be heard from again were just sitting in our system with idle points just hanging around, just WAITING to be turned into cash in a junkie's mind.

So I collaborated some points of people that I knew never knew they had them, and had a check delivered to MY apartment the next day for around $200. And that is the part I am afraid will get me, I was stupid and high and didn't think duh! Maybe the check should be sent somewhere other than MY OWN FUCKING HOME! But luckily, there was nothing identifying who lived at that address. It was a place I was only at for a short time, so my work never had any record that I lived there, so the ONLY way they could find out it was me is by finding out the address the check was shipped to, and whose name was on the lease. Now I know it is illegal for THEM to call and find out whose name used to be on it, but the police sure can. I'm not sure how far this will go, I am at work now, and haven't heard any more mention of it from my managers, so we'll just play this one by ear for right now. I wish I could just do like in office space and slip the money in an envelope under the office door, then someone burn the place down.

And on my boyfriend thing, cherie its nice to know that you went though the same thing. And you are both right, he even made the comment, "Well if this new you never wants to touch me then I want you back on drugs again!" and it made me so sad because I didn't know what to say. But you were right cherie once I kind of made myself initiate things I got into it and everything worked out wonderfully. I even made an effort to put aside an hour a day to lay, cuddle, and just talk with him like hat suggested. Hmm, well we will just have to see how this all plays out.

Still yet, rock on suboxone.


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