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 Post subject: Well today marks day 22
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 10:33 pm 
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No update yesterday...spent the entire day preparing for and watching the Super Bowl!! Unfortunately the Steelers lost but that's the least of my problems. Today I had the BG's again and probably a slight hangover from last night. I don't remember drinking much but didn't feel great this morning. Despite the feeling I got up and did my normal gym routine. The fatigue is really starting to get to me and I still sneeze a bunch and get the chills from time to time. I can say that I still feel much better than the first couple of weeks but definitely not 100% still.

@jboss

What is PAWS?? I guess I will be googling it because I've never heard of it before. I would give up damn near anything to feel 100% normal again. I just don't understand how this is beneficial to recovering addicts??? You would think they would just give you the pk's you need until your ready to try and quit. I don't know about some of those harder pain killers like oxy and so on but I know that I have w/drawn from hydro-codone more than 5 times and felt like shit for a week and back to the normal me. Not this time.....oh no, this is by far been the worst experience of my life. Why would Dr.'s prescribe a drug that is this hard to quit? I mean if it wasn't for my determination to be done I never could have made it this far......not in a million years. 2 weeks ago I was looking online to find one of those treatment centers that sedate you and put medication through you with an IV to force you to withdraw quickly while sedated. Of course I read lot's of horror stories and figured it would be better this way so it would really make me not want to go back to that lifestyle.

Okay, so I'm done ranting!! The good news is I am alive, sober, and looking forward to day 23. I will keep the hope up that I am eventually going to wake up and feel like a human being again. Until then I will keep you posted on the progress. Hope all is well for everyone else and I appreciate all the advice, tips, etc...

BigMistake


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 Post subject: Just a side note
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:09 pm 
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I wanted to apologize to anyone that may have read any of my posts and been offended. You know when you come to a place like this in the condition I came in all you think about is yourself. I am not a selfish person and as I have dug deeper into some of these threads from other members I can see that everyone has their own program. I personally don't have any chronic pains or legitimate reasons to be on any type of opiates. I am just a dip shit that liked to eat pills and party and went to a DR. one day cause a buddy of mine gave me some of his suboxone and I was like, "I can just go to the Dr. and they will give me these"?? So I meant no disrespect or place any judgement upon anyone that is using this medication to keep them from some of the other worse options that may be out there for them. Personally I just don't think it was for me. That's not to say that Suboxone can't save someone else's life. I've learned a lot in the last week on this forum just reading and hearing other peoples stories. Hope nobody took anything personal.


(my)BigMistake


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:16 am 
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Hey Big

Glad to see you had a good weekend. Yeah I enjoyed maybe 2-3 beers this weekend. Drinking was never I thing to me and never will be. It's a social thing and that's all. I'm sure there are a lot of people that see that and think OMG why are they drinking? Well, it doesn't effect me like it does some people. Yeah I'm a college basketball fan so the super bowl was a means of me stuffing my face with family.

You will find tons of information both scary and encouraging about PAWS. PAWS is imply Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. It typically hits about month three from what I heard at my counseling. Again, everyone is different. Usually, PAWS is depression. emptyness feeling, the "I'm not quite sure how I feel". Found this from a website, " P.A.W.S. (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) that is commonly associated with Suboxone and it consists of prolonged lethargy, depression and insomnia. Don't let this crap scare ya because it shouldn't. It may hit it may not be bad. I've heard a lot of people get it but it's minimal and shouldn't let you stop anything.

I'm just about on 38 days off Suboxone. So so happy! :)

-Jboss


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 12:23 am 
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Just to clarify, PAWS isn't unique to Suboxone. It can happen with any/all opiates. Some people don't even suffer from it at all. That's one of the pluses of a slow taper and getting down really, really low - you reduce the chances of even suffering from PAWS. It's a matter of getting your body slowly used to not having an opiate there - any opiate.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 11:07 pm 
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I woke up early and did my normal routine, left the house early for work, felt a bit lethargic at first but throughout the day I noticed a little pep in my step. I did notice some low points but for the most part today when extremely well. I don't want to get to excited as I know that the unpredictability could definitely wake me up and surprise me tomorrow. I got the slight chills on and off throughout the day, only had one maybe two episodes of the sneezes, and my stomach was great today. I hope this may be a sign of some much better days to come, I will definitely keep you posted. I know that a lot of people suggested that as I got to this week that things could definitely start looking up. Keep your fingers crossed.

As far as the paws I did read about it and I can say that the only thing I can relate with outside of the normal w/drawl side effects is the extreme lack of energy but as I mentioned above it seemed to get better today. I don't suffer from any type of depression, no intense anxiety, I am sleeping better now than I did when I was taking the sub, no empty feeling inside. Actually it's damn near quite the opposite!! I am starting to gain momentum, hope, and outlook at maybe a new opportunity at life, etc.... Although I am not sleeping for 8-10 hours at a time the 6 hours a night is really I think better than I ever did on the subs....well maybe not in the very beginning. It's probably directly related to the energy levels as I work my 12 hour days every day though. At any rate I would trade the old feeling of dependency for this new feeling even though it's not the greatest feeling just yet. I'm not sure for me where the turning point was but at some point the subs started making me feel empty, depressed, like a chained prisoner. It made it hard to try and live right in general for me. I would beat myself up for having to take it to feel normal so then i would use that as an excuse to drink or not eat right or not go to the gym etc.... It was like I was telling myself as long as I am on this medication I am never going to be "normal" again. Anyway, again like I said earlier "to each his own". We're not all built or programmed the same so I certainly don't expect for us to all react the same either.

Thanks again for all the kind words and encouragement!


(my)BigMistake


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 11:30 pm 
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hatmaker510 wrote:
Just to clarify, PAWS isn't unique to Suboxone. It can happen with any/all opiates. Some people don't even suffer from it at all. That's one of the pluses of a slow taper and getting down really, really low - you reduce the chances of even suffering from PAWS. It's a matter of getting your body slowly used to not having an opiate there - any opiate.


Yeah Hat, I know that. I was just copying a link showing that PAWS can be integrated in the process of getting off of Suboxone. Like I said, everyone doesn't experience this. It may take months for someone to get hit with a "hint" of it. I'm not sure, I'm not advocating this or trying to preach. Just trying to give some heads up if it does come around. I would hope no one have to experience it but it does happen. Therefore, I was just trying to give Big some information in case the situation does arise, he would know what it MAY be associated with.

@Big, I'm so glad for you buddy. You really clarified how you should be looking at life. "Normal" gets thrown around too much I think. I like to say that I'm "content" with the way I feel. If I'm content, then that means I'm happy. I feel happy deep deep down but understand that I will have bad days but that happiness is starting to be manufactured into my soul. Knowing that it lives within me makes all the difference. 23 days is amazing. Almost on your one month mark! A huge step my man. Keep posting man.

-Jboss


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 Post subject: 24 = another good day!
PostPosted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 12:47 am 
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All the info has been great! I've enjoyed being able to read about everyone else's lives and different stories. It's encouraging to read about other people's battles and accomplishments. I hope if anyone else decides to read this that it's encouragement for them. I think I finally have adjusted to the last of the w/drawls and know that I am getting closer to cruise control. When I go back and read my original post it's like I was a different person.

It's amazing how life works. In the last 4 days I have been offered pk's twice....so random. At first I could hear myself trying to justify it and thought maybe it will help me with the edge a little bit. The first time I said No pretty quick, the second time I was like "what are u thinking"?? The thought of throwing away the last 24 days was crazy!! If I wasn't so bound and determined to remember what I use to be like I would have caved. In 10 years of going on and off opiates I can't remember even 2 times someone just out of the blue asking if I needed or wanted a pk. I hope that if I can say no on days 20 and 24 that the further I go the easier it gets. It just caught me off guard, it was the last thing I ever expected.

Anyway, on to the good news. Today was extremely cold so it's difficult to say if I had the chills, maybe very slight. My energy is still low but getting a little better. Outside of that I was pretty comfortable all day and it was a LONG one!! Oh yeah and I still get the sneezes.... what's that all about anyway?!? I noticed I have been sleeping a little longer each night but still not more than 6-7 hours tops! I'm exhausted and going to sleep, will keep u posted on my progress.


(my)BigMistake


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 Post subject: Really encouraging
PostPosted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 12:58 am 
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Thanks so much for posting your story. It's soooooo encouraging to me. You have not missed work. You are not even a full month out and you don't sound bad AT ALL!! I'm at 2 mg right now. It's amazing to me that you were where I am only 24 days ago!!!

Thank God you did not throw your 24 days away. Please oh please don't. Try hitting your knees and praying again if your mind starts to go there. It is SO not worth it. You didn't go through all this just to turn around and flush it down the toilet.

Man, I hope at some point in the not to very distant future that I will be where you are!! Keep posting. It's lovely to 'see' someone coming out the other side of Suboxone with a great attitude. Unfortunately, it seems like the negative people perhaps have more time for posting online or something, because mainly negative, insanely overblown, ridiculously hopeless accounts are what you read. Stories like yours are very precious to me!!!!

laddertipper

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 Post subject: Re: Really encouraging
PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 12:34 am 
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laddertipper wrote:
Thanks so much for posting your story. It's soooooo encouraging to me. You have not missed work. You are not even a full month out and you don't sound bad AT ALL!! I'm at 2 mg right now. It's amazing to me that you were where I am only 24 days ago!!!

Thank God you did not throw your 24 days away. Please oh please don't. Try hitting your knees and praying again if your mind starts to go there. It is SO not worth it. You didn't go through all this just to turn around and flush it down the toilet.

Man, I hope at some point in the not to very distant future that I will be where you are!! Keep posting. It's lovely to 'see' someone coming out the other side of Suboxone with a great attitude. Unfortunately, it seems like the negative people perhaps have more time for posting online or something, because mainly negative, insanely overblown, ridiculously hopeless accounts are what you read. Stories like yours are very precious to me!!!!

laddertipper





I hope no one thought they lost me!! Just been busy trying to take advantage of this "new life offer"! Laddertipper I hope u get to where you're going. This journey hasn't been easy but I would do it all again to be where I am today. Yeah sure I'm definitely not perfect but I am feeling much better. Taking the leap of faith and just coping the first 2 weeks was the biggest challenge. I still take the exact same regiment that I mentioned in my earlier posts and am a firm believer that they helped me get through some of the tougher days. I hit my knees on the regular but catch myself getting over confident from time to time. Being humbled through this process is something I want to be able to keep with me forever!! I am glad to hear u got down to 2mg, it sounds like there are a lot of other people on here that are firm believers in tapering but it wasn't for me. All it did was allow me to keep making excuses of why I wasn't ready to quit. When u get the courage just take a dive and go for it. Everyone's recovery is different but if u want it bad enough u will figure out "your way" to get there.

Day 29....Honestly I did not know that I could or would make it this far but am thankful everyday that I'm here.
Everyday continues to get easier but I still struggle with some of the w/drawl symptoms. Minor chills here and there, still lack energy, the energy part may be the worst part. I have a demanding job and it requires a lot of my time. I struggle with the fact that some of the info I have read online say to not have caffeine but feel the need to drink red bull and 5 hour energy all day long just to stay awake. My sleep patterns keep getting better and better but still am getting 7 hours tops. I' m still waiting for that day I wake up and everything is back to normal......we'll see!! Till then.......I'll b here keepin it real. Best of luck to anyone struggling!!!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 1:53 pm 
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@Big

Hey Buddy. Shit, good work with the 29 days! Day by day man! You should be feeling pretty good soon. It's said a lot, but people's recovery differs from individual to individual. Some get over it quicker than others. It hit home to me when you mentioned your first two weeks. Taking the leap of faith was the biggest challenge but the only way out for me too. The tapering is a god send for many individuals but I don't think I would have been able to go that route again. Had to grab it by the horns and ride it out. I would have made the same excuses and I did. Therefore, I knew it wouldn't have worked out for myself. It works don't get me wrong, I did it. I just made the excuses and went right back up and giving myself higher doses. Who knows, I wasn't strong then but am now.

One thing we can't get is IMPUDENT! Overconfidence can be the cause to a lot more problems down the road. I've heard a lot of people who get clean for months and months and are doing great. They think that one drink or one pill won't set them back. It will, regardless! It may not be an instant jump back to rock bottom but I strongly believe that it will suck you back to square one. Confidence is great, but too much of anything hurts. Keep up the work my man! The "new life offer" will only get more opportunistic. Hit your knees and be faithful.

-Jboss


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 4:07 pm 
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I just wanted to jump in here and talk quickly about the confidence issue. In my case, when my confidence surged past a 'normal' level, I almost got into trouble too. It's a strange thing because we all want to have confidence that we can beat this demon, but when that confidence gets a little too high, it seems we head for trouble. Addiction is a wickedly sneaky disease!! It's always looking for an opening to exploit.

Like Jboss said, recovery is just so individual. Having wd symptoms at day 29 is pretty normal. The chills, lack of energy and sleep issues you're having were the same with me. The chills went away before too long, the lack of energy and sleep issues lasted a while longer. Keep being patient, your brain is doing the best it can to balance things out again. Know this though, it will get better. I know that's hard as hell to believe, but it will get better!!

Just keep hanging on, man.


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 Post subject: 1 month mark reached!!!
PostPosted: Tue Feb 15, 2011 11:57 pm 
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For me this has been a significant humbling experience. Not to toot my horn but I've had a pretty great professional career, my wife is awesome (and a 12) 8) and I got great kids!! The only thing that I really feel like I have been missing is the gift that I feel that I am giving myself now. Who knows, maybe I'll still be the same dad, the same employer, the same husband, etc.... I'm really not sure. I keep crossing my fingers hoping this sobriety will unlock the keys to future I am looking so desperately for. Recovery I understand is a long process and things will continually change. I really just appreciate all the support everyone has offered and encouragement. I can't tell you the world of difference it makes to be able to communicate with people that have been where i am at and are now on the other side. My hope is that someday, someone, somewhere, will read all of this and it will help them to get through whatever day they may be having. I can't help but to think that's why a lot of you are on here giving back because you too were once in my shoes and it helps you stay level headed. At least that's what my plan is.


Day 30.... the big three oh!!

As I have stated many times over the last few days the worst is behind but there are still the unsuspected surprises that happen from time to time. I hate to admit but I am still drinking caffeine like it's going out of style even though in the "PAWS" blog I read it says it's best not to. My chills are pretty much gone but I do get the occasional hot flash that will just hit me out of nowhere. Sleeping much much better!!! Still taking my daily amino acids, vitamins, etc.. and still hitting the gym at least 4-5 days a week. Still waiting for that "normal" feeling but it's all good. I can survive where I am at today and all I look forward to is tomorrow. Talk to you guys later



(my)BigMistake


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 Post subject: Quit counting days
PostPosted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 11:02 pm 
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I guess I could go back and do the math, but I really don't care anymore! Pretty sure it's day 37! I'm running down the home stretch and finally starting to get back to that "normal" feeling again. I was concerned the day would never come but am certain that there is hope for me beyond this addiction. I've turned a huge corner in the last week. I deal with some minor fatigue from time to time and the occasional hot flash but feel like a new man even compared to how I felt a week ago!! I'm pretty sure that in the next 2 weeks that I will be at least 98% or greater. I'm doing things that I hoped I would but trying not to push myself too hard. still hitting the gym daily, still taking all the supplements I mentioned earlier and still working like a madman!!

My .02

I highly recommend that if u are going to use suboxone to help quit other more powerful opiates then u use it short term, taper, then jump. I fear that had I been more responsible from the get go and used it for it's purpose that I would not have had to struggle as much as I did quitting. Now for those of u that are out there and u use this medication for legitimate pain or as a maintenance for sobriety I'm not casting any stones. Everyone has a little different situation. I went from being a heroin addict to total sobriety(2-3years) to recreational pill popping back to an addict and then turned to suboxone. So far it's a wonderful new feeling!

(my) BigMistake


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 Post subject: Good job!!
PostPosted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 12:35 pm 
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I love hearing this kind of stuff. It makes me feel very pumped and makes it seem quite possible after all.

I definitely see what you are saying about using the Sub for the short-term. I know there are two theories, one being that people should take it for an extended period and the other being that it should be used for only a short period, no longer than three weeks. I really don't believe that either extreme has it right, as every situation is different. I do, however, think that when people decide to take it for an extended period, they absolutely must realize that it's no cake walk to stop taking it.

So, now I am down to 1.5 and doing okay. The jumping off thing is NOT for me, lol. I'm just too big a chicken. I'm going to taper to a teeny tiny dose before jumping, and hopefully the landing won't be that harsh.

Thanks for the updates!

laddertipper

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First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:43 am 
Hey man i feel your pain, im on day 30 of withdrawal from .3-.4mg and like you said it made me question going on sub completely, but then again i feel its so miserable i am way likely to every use again. I never questioned using sub till now, and its so depressing looking at the past year and how i was on sub compared to how i am now sober, like today i literally wanted to cry holding my girlfriend like my intimacy and just overall bodily feeling with her was so intense i never felt like that on sub, i was such a shitty boyfriend and half the man i am really while on sub, it made everyone lose faith in me and just gets your receptors way more hooked in the long run. :oops: It feels so embarassing


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:50 am 
way less likely to use again* sorry typo and i find it very interesting our withdrawals are almost in sync and i jumped off .5mg after being on it just a tad bit less then a year, we are both gym rats also............hmmmm im glad i did not taper further thats for dam sure


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