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PostPosted: Fri Apr 15, 2016 4:39 pm 
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I hope you have a fantastic time at the game today!!!

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 9:14 am 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
I hope you have a fantastic time at the game today!!!

Amy



Thanks Amy! It was so much fun, even though the Buccos lost lol. I was thinking as we were walking to our seats...Hey, I'm not tired, I'm not miserable, and I don't have to go to the bathroom to take pills every 2 hours. (Although I did sneak a cigarette in the stall at one point lol) Don't judge me...old habits die hard, haha! Anyways, yes, it was a great time. I came home and slept the sleep of the Gods. It was my first trip away from the house in a long time. I'm trying to convince the hubby to get more tickets for today! Lol

After all, tomorrow is day 50! I deserve another day out...right? :D


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 6:37 pm 
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ItComesAndGoes wrote:
Lori that is so good to hear that you are doing well on Day 46. Because on Day 35 I am thinking about heroin and opiates all day long. I am constantly planning on how I could relapse and how great it would be. I know that it would be NOT GREAT, and how stupid it is, but wow it's like my brain is full retard right now. You are inspirational, I hope to be feeling as good as you are on Day 46!!!



I totally understand that! Days 32-40 were a little rough for me. Craving for about a week, out of nowhere. Hit me like a brick wall. It was weird. I was doing fine, had a bad week and it seems like that was all I could think about. Thank goodness it passed and I didn't go searching for pills, even though I had someone offer some for free. Ugh...it was hard but I did it, and you can too! I really hope that by this point your cravings have passed. I'm sure this is something we should plan on dealing with for a very long time. Hopefully it gets easier each time. I'm praying and pulling for you! ❤


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 9:55 pm 
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Loribug wrote:
I totally understand that! Days 32-40 were a little rough for me. Craving for about a week, out of nowhere. Hit me like a brick wall. It was weird. I was doing fine, had a bad week and it seems like that was all I could think about. Thank goodness it passed and I didn't go searching for pills, even though I had someone offer some for free. Ugh...it was hard but I did it, and you can too! I really hope that by this point your cravings have passed. I'm sure this is something we should plan on dealing with for a very long time. Hopefully it gets easier each time. I'm praying and pulling for you! ❤


Loribug congrats on 50 days!! You're gettin real close to 60, and that's a big one. Going to sleep after I write this, and tomorrow will be Day 39 for me. I made it through the cravings, and they did end up subsiding. Wow, this thing is one big rollercoaster ride. Some days you're feeling so damn good! Like today, wow I am so happy that I am finally free of suboxone slavery. And then other days, like 3 days ago, I spent the whole day just fantasizing about relapsing and getting high as hell. We just can't crumble on those days. Here is to day 50 and day 33, let's do this fam!


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 10:06 pm 
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Loribug wrote:
Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
I hope you have a fantastic time at the game today!!!

Amy



Thanks Amy! It was so much fun, even though the Buccos lost lol. I was thinking as we were walking to our seats...Hey, I'm not tired, I'm not miserable, and I don't have to go to the bathroom to take pills every 2 hours. (Although I did sneak a cigarette in the stall at one point lol) Don't judge me...old habits die hard, haha! Anyways, yes, it was a great time. I came home and slept the sleep of the Gods. It was my first trip away from the house in a long time. I'm trying to convince the hubby to get more tickets for today! Lol

After all, tomorrow is day 50! I deserve another day out...right? :D


I'm definitely not judging! I'm very happy for you that the outing went so well! It's probably hard for non-addicts to understand just how daunting it is for us to go out for a whole day like that after having been a virtual hermit during active addiction. Keep up the good work and the positive adventures!

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2016 4:28 pm 
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Day 51!

Hey all! Missed my day 50 update yesterday. Wasn't thinking about it, too busy living life!

Despite what I am about to say, I am still very happy I did this, and thank God everyday for suboxone.

Here goes...I would LOVE to say I am at 100%, but I don't think I am yet. I am still having major issues with motivation. I am currently sitting on the back porch looking at all the yard work that I know I love to do, but can't bring myself to do it. I still don't feel like my brain has switched gears yet and is producing anything useful at this point lol. I mean, I know it is, but I don't feel it. My music isn't even doing it for me, and that is weird to say the least. I do get fleeting glimpses of rushes of happiness and motivation, but as soon as it hits, it's gone. The only way to get anything done is to really push myself. What the hell is going on here? I worked in the yard for 5 mins and quit. Could this be the addict mentality of "instant gratification?" Like, the yard work wasn't doing anything for me so I'm done trying? Lol I don't know. Sounds silly. I am very happy, my anger is almost completely gone and I remember how happy and content I used to be...but still...feels like something is missing. I don't get goosebumps anymore, I don't ever feel a rush of anything. I'm not sure I am explaining this correctly. If I'm rambling or being confusing, please excuse me lol. I'm not sure how to express what I'm trying to say. Its like I'm happy, but I really have to push for that feeling. Ugh..sorry for sounding stupid.

Other than me waiting for my brain to start firing correctly again, everything else is good. Appetite is back at full force...gotta watch that. Eating way too much. Sleep is okay, still up as soon as the sun rises, but I'm greatful that I have another chance to wake up. Alot of people don't, and I don't take my life for granted. This whole journey has brough a lot of clarity to me. I appreciate my hubby and daughter so much more than I ever did before. I put them both through so much and they are still here, loving me the same as before. My kid doesn't know much about all of this. She just knows I was on medicine I worked hard to get off of, and she is proud of me.

Anyways, I am rambling again so I will stop now. ;)

Hope everyone is having a great day!


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:57 pm 
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Wow Loribug! Day 51 - that's YUUUUUGE!

I am at Day 41 and dealing with the exact same motivation issues you are dealing with. I think that's totally normal, and may take some time to go away. But you know what's motivating? Your posts here!! because whenever I catch up to you in days, I'm like "Ohhhhh she was totally right!" So keep on fighting because one day soon you will get that motivation back. You have a good day now


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2016 7:31 am 
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ItComesAndGoes wrote:
Wow Loribug! Day 51 - that's YUUUUUGE!

I am at Day 41 and dealing with the exact same motivation issues you are dealing with. I think that's totally normal, and may take some time to go away. But you know what's motivating? Your posts here!! because whenever I catch up to you in days, I'm like "Ohhhhh she was totally right!" So keep on fighting because one day soon you will get that motivation back. You have a good day now


Thank you so much! I wasn't sure if I should even post about my motivation issues. I don't want to bring anyone down who may be reading this, but I have to be honest. There are definitely ups and downs, and this little bump in the road won't deter me from my goal of staying clean.

I'm a huge sports fan, so I've been pretty happy watching my sports teams, especially my hockey team in the playoffs. (GO PENS!) I found myself genuinely happy last night, and that seems to be happening more and more, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere out there. I've read it can take up to a year for your brain to heal, so that gave me hope too. Feels like I'm as normal as I can be now, and just have to give it time.

I hope you have a great day! Day 43 for you today...that's soooo awesome!!! Keep at it.. we got this!!


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 23, 2016 12:17 pm 
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Hey all!

Day 54 here and still feeling good. Tired, but good.

Random thoughts...

It's weird, the farther I get away from drugs, the less desire I have for anything that alters my brain. Even pot. I have always been a huge pot smoker. Me and the hubby both. I mean, 4/20 was always like our Christmas, lol. Now, it's like I couldn't care less about any of it. While on subs I had to drug test every week, so I only smoked very little here and there. Since quitting the subs, I've smoked maybe 3 times, and that was just for sleeping reasons.

Alcohol, same as the pot. I've NEVER liked being drunk, hate the feeling, but i always liked a little buzz from it. Now when I take a shot, I'm done after 1. Just don't care at all for it.

I'm wondering if this is because mentally I've left all of that behind, or if the subs killed all that desire for me. I'm NOT complaining, really. Just found it strange, especially the pot.

Anyways, sorry for the stupid post. Just had to get all of that out. :D


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2016 3:34 am 
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Hey! Quit calling your posts stupid!

Your experience is your experience and none of it is stupid.

So quit it, or I may have to flog you with a wet noodle!

:)
Amy

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2016 3:34 pm 
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Amy-Work In Progress wrote:
Hey! Quit calling your posts stupid!

Your experience is your experience and none of it is stupid.

So quit it, or I may have to flog you with a wet noodle!

:)
Amy



Lololol!!! Sorry Amy! Please, not the wet noodle! :D

I promise to stop that...and if I do it again, you have my permission to release the hounds on me. :D


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2016 11:01 am 
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I'm going to try to quit smoking cigarettes tomorrow. Everyone wish me luck. I've been smoking for 26 years, and I smoke alot. I can blow through 2 packs a day like it's nothing...this will be hard, but if ya think about it...I've been through waaayyy worse, as you all know. ;)

Ugh I'm scared! My ciggys have been my best friend for so long. But I'm feeling stronger mentally and know its time. Fingers crossed I can make it. I have the patch here I got from my dr to help with cravings. Going to buy my last pack today.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2016 11:47 am 
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Good luck! I know how difficult it is to quit and I'd love to myself.

I've been smoking since I was 17, so that's about 23 yrs. I was able to quit 3 times during each of my pregnancies, and that was only easy because the smell of them made me really sick lol. Immediately after having my kids I'd get the cravings and go right bk without even thinking about it (the stress of a newborn would kick those cravings in every time).

I smoke about a pack a day, sometimes more and it's extremely expensive too. I'd love to stop but I don't do good with cravings obviously :) The patch didn't work for me very well but then again the only time I wore one was during inpatient detox and I was very stressed out during those times. I plan on trying again soon because there's been so many ppl that I know that's died of lung cancer last few yrs and honestly it's scaring me big time. So good luck and hopefully sometime soon I can follow in ur footsteps! But I'll sure miss my menthols........

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2016 1:20 pm 
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Good luck! I too would like to quit and it's been on my mind so much since I started subs. I have smoked since I was probably 15. I am 48 now so a long time!! I don't do well with cravings either! Lol :D and when I was pregnant both times only managed to cut back (a whole lot) but never quit. I smoke 2 pks also a day usually . At least a pack and a half. My mom always says she can't believe I still smoke since I am a health "nut" . She never said that about my drinking and drugging though. Probably cause then she'd have to admit I was an addict and what would everyone say !! Haha ya our family likes to brush everything under the rug!! I am just so scared of the cravings!! I can't do the patch cause I have a deadly latex allergy and also bad allergy to adhesive like on bandaid and patches . I think you are very brave for doing this and I am sure you will succeed! I will be following your progress and hopefully it will motivate me to give it a try!!


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2016 7:21 am 
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Thanks for all the encouragement! I failed miserably at the smoking thing, but am trying again tomorrow. I tried quitting pills so many times before it stuck, and I really feel more addicted to cigarettes than anything else I've ever been hooked on. If there was a rehab for smokes, I'd be there with a quickenss! Lol! So, tomorrow it is. I will be more prepared. Getting some supplies I need today. A case of water, some nicotine gum, hard candies and stuff to do with my hands. Coloring books, cross stitching...crap like that lol.

I'm not really thrilled about quitting, but I have to. Not only for our finances, but for my health too. So today I pump myself up to keep trying until I get it right!

On a side note, tomorrow is my 60 days off suboxone! Still having some sleep issues, I was up at 5am today for no apparent reason. :( and some days my tummy acts up. But there comes a point that I have to stop blaming subs and realizing these are problems I had long before I ever took a pill, therefore these are issues I have to find a way to handle. Oh...and I still sneeze everyday. Haha!

Other than those very minor things, motivation is still lacking. I think I will have to take EVERYONE'S advice and get my lazy ass up for some exercise. Today I'll hit the track and walk. I used to be able to go 5 miles before I got tired, but I think I'll start smaller. Don't wanna push so hard that I can't move tomorrow. I just hope the exercise eventually helps and starts to get my brain chugging along.

Better get off my chair and get the kiddos ready for school. Have a great day!


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 29, 2016 6:25 am 
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Hi loribug,
You should be really proud of how far you have come!
I feel your urgency to stop ciggies and I know how daunting it can be. I started smoking regularly before my teens up until a year ago (25+yrs) I want you to know that despite how desperately sick and tired I was of being enslaved, I felt powerless to even cut back a little. I never believed I had what it took to stop cold turkey. So I tried this...
I read the Easy Way To Stop Smoking by Allen Carr twice.
The book is wonderful and you can't wait to stop, even though you must continue to smoke until the book is finished.
On my second attempt I knew this alone wouldnt be enough, so I went to my GP and asked for champix.
Champix is a 3 month course and it works extremely well.
It both stops cravings and removes the pleasure associated with smoking, by blocking the feel good chemicals that are normally released. You feel nothing positive out of smoking.
It was easier than I could have imagined.
The first two weeks were the most uncomfortable in the way of breaking and creating new routines. Yes it feels odd after meals, on the phone, waking up, drinking a coffee, on a work break, before bed...any association that was built over years of smoking.
After that you begin to see your so called bestie as a bit of an asshole.
Champix has had some controversy and I was aware there may be some undesired sides but I knew I would simply stop if it became unpleasant.
I took champix for 3 weeks only. I knew that was all I needed to stay free from ciggies. I also joined an online quit group, that logs how much time smoke free and money saved.
I still am amazed i have done it. I just never thought I could do it, but with a little help the unimaginable became possible.
Take or leave any or all, just don't be scared trying.
Take care loribug!


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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2016 7:45 am 
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Thanks for all the smoking advice. I was doing really well yesterday until...BAM...something really scary happened.

This is a long story. I was doing my 10 year old daughters hair getting her ready to go to the park with a friend, and she passed out. She kept asking if she could sit down, and I kept saying no (she hates her hair being done..thought she was being stubborn) then she started to fade, not able to answer my questions or understand what I was saying. I guess my husband heard me sounding nervous trying to talk to her and he came into the bathroom just as she fell, thank God he was able to catch her. So he got her down to the ground and held her while I checked for a pulse, then called 911. All I could hear was him screaming for her to wake up. It was the scariest moment of my life. At the time, we didn't know what was going on, we just knew we couldn't wake our baby up. What a worthless, useless feeling.

At this point the dog was freaking out so my niece grabbed her up and took control of that so the paramedics could get past her. She's a good dog, but likes to be in the middle of everything.

By the time the paramedics got there, she woke up and seemed fine. She knew who she was, where she was, the president, what year it is, all that common knowledge stuff a person knows.

Everyone in my family did so good and I am so proud of them. I could hear my husband's voice cracking when he was trying to wake her up, and my niece, who is 12, was trying to hold it together but I could see her shaking. We all managed to hold it together for my daughter.

So we spend a few hours in the ER, seeing all the nurses and doctors I used to scam for pills...ugh lol. They were all really kind and did every test imaginable. They even scanned her brain because she bumped her head last week at school. That was normal. Blood tests, chest x ray, and heart tests all came back normal.

So the diagnosis was a fainting spell. My daughter has had eating issues for a long time, so we think it was a combo of that and a little dehydration that caused her blood pressure to drop and caused the spell.

I still haven't had a chance to sit and cry about this. I feel it, then I push it back down. I'm waiting for a minute alone and I haven't had that yet. I had her sleep with me last night. She was being very clingy so I took advantage of being able to cuddle her all night, thanking God every second that she is okay.

So we laid there for an hour before falling asleep laughing and laughing at every silly thing we could think of. It was better than crying. I think it was the release we both needed. My belly hurt from laughing so hard! My kid is strong, but I could tell she scared herself with all of this. My kid is also hilarious, I swear shes going to be a comedian someday lol. Genuinely funny, belly laugh funny!

Anyways, thanks to whoever read all of this. I HAD to get it all out. And through all of it, I didn't even have a thought of drugs or alcohol. All of my focus and energy was on her. Wow...what a shitty, stressful situation, that ended in a night of laughs.

I have to get ready for church now so I can praise God for letting me have my daughter for another day. And please, give your kids and loved ones an extra hug today, let them know they are loved. Thanks for listening! ❤ Lori


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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2016 10:21 am 
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Oh Loribug!! How very scary!! I am so glad things turned out so well. I can imagine just how you felt. When my son was 2 yrs old he all but drowned. Long story but I found him floating. He was fine but could have been a tragedy. So I understand the hopeless feeling. It is horrible . Got to run but I just wanted to say I am so glad she is fine. Hug her tight!

Willow


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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2016 11:21 am 
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Gosh I can't imagine that helpless feeling. I remember my daughter had a surgery when she was 5 on her bladder. After she was recovering and enduring the pain, I felt so horrible and helpless, especially when they're looking for u as their mother to fix it and u can't...it was terrible. I couldn't imagine a fainting spell or almost drowning! But it does show how strong we can be when it comes down to it. At least u weren't using and were able to focus 100% of u to her.

Loved ur story, urs too Willow.

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PostPosted: Sun May 01, 2016 11:13 pm 
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I'm so sorry that you and your family had to go through that, but also glad that it was something minor! How scary! So glad she's OK!

And Jenn and Willow! How traumatic! The worst my son has been through so far (and I just knocked on wood), is a split open chin. He was so brave! Actually his bout with depression at 8 years old was much more traumatic for both of us. He just cried all the time and he was certain that he would never feel better. I got him into therapy right and his therapist taught him techniques he could use to stop his negative, spiraling thoughts. After a couple of weeks he was feeling much better and not yelling and screaming at me, blaming me for all of his problems. I was his safe person, so he vomited all of his negative emotion onto me. It's one of the things that led me into this attitude of wanting to take a pill to make me feel better. Apparently, and he only told me this a couple of years ago, but he went through another depression when he was 13. He is a very logical guy. He told me that he knew that there was a statistically probably chance that he would have another depressive episode during his life, and even though he felt bad, he knew that, logically, he would see a light at the end of the tunnel if he just held on. I don't know how his brain works, but he seems to have come through both depressions well.

Isn't it horrible when our kids are hurting and we don't know how to help them?

Amy

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