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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 3:01 pm 
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Amy that's the most accurate description of how I was during active addiction.....to a T accurate. Especially rocking bk and forth and searching for a crumb of a pill on the floor....wow I even did that in jail just hoping someone had dropped something because I was so sick I was losing my mind. Ur post truly hit home for me....Sometimes we forget those desperate times and I think it's very important to remember them so that we never forget the hell we've been through to get to a better life. I just wanted to thank u for that post Amy.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 3:42 pm 
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Hi Loribug, Yes, I think the maca root is working! WooHoo! lol Pre, peri, post menopause...it goes on and on! Men just don't know! You do sound like you are in a good place but the mother in law situation does really scare me! I guess you need to ask yourself if you are strong enough to place yourself in this situation. I think Amy is giving you great advice but only you really know what is going on in your head and what your thoughts are. I will say a prayer that you have the strength and the will power to do what is best! Please, post anytime! I will keep checking in or you can message me if you would like.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 26, 2016 5:03 pm 
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Amy, Pelican, Jen and Michelle..thank you all for the support!

I have read and your comments over and over. They give me courage and stregnth. I can totally relate to doing anything to stay high. One time I cut up my entire couch because there was a chance that 1 pill was in there. I lied and said I lost a ring in the couch so I had an excuse to cut it up. Just awful. I never found a pill in there either. That's just one of the many stories we all have.

The surgery went well for my mom in law and I'm currently sitting at her house. I talked to the hubby about it and he is with me to keep an eye out. Not that I need a babysitter, but he's just bring supportive. My mother in law knows that I was on suboxone and she knows why. She doesn't know how bad it was and only thinks I abused my script. She has no idea how deep I was in and the people I associated with. Ugh...I shudder to think. Blah.

Anyways, this is the only visit we will be making here for a while. As it turns out, she lives about a half hour away and we simply don't have the gas to drive back and forth. The hubby needs to get to and from work. Living paycheck to paycheck...who knew it would work in my favor? Haha!

I told her that I didn't need or want any of them so don't offer. I think she got the point. Shes a great person and wouldn't intentionally destroy all my hard work. She said she proud of me.

Still having some trouble sleeping but it's a small price to pay.

Better go, we're going to be leaving soon. Just wanted to let you all know I am still hanging in there, still kicking ass! will update later. :D

Thanks, and love to you all!


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 26, 2016 6:45 pm 
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Okay, I'm home from the mother in laws. Success!

I sat there while a bottle of 80 perc 10s was within my reach. I took the approach of getting angry at them lol. Even though of course I know its not the pills fault. They were prescribed to help my legit pain, and I took it too far. It was MY fault, not the pills. However, I find that getting angry at them makes it easier to not dwell on it. Plus, I remind myself that I dont ever have to take one again. I don't EVER have to search and beg, borrow and steal to get them. I don't ever have to go through brutal short acting opiod withdrawal again.

Its my choice, and I choose freedom! I choose freedom everyday. I choose my family, I choose our finances, I choose my daughter and husband. I choose my faith. I choose ME! My life is worth fighting for! Everyday. Freedom.

Okay, that's enough mushy stuff lol. I hope everyone has a fantastic Easter Sunday. Even if you don't believe, or don't celebrate, I hope you still have a lovely weekend.

Day 27 and still going strong!


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 27, 2016 5:22 pm 
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Just wanted to stop by and wish everyone a Happy Easter.

Today has been a good day. I can't believe I'll be hitting my 30 days soon. Never thought I would see this.

Today is the first holiday in years that I haven't been worried about being sick from lack of drugs. It's been amazing!


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 27, 2016 9:19 pm 
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Happy Easter Loribug! You are an inspiration! On such a glorious day! I feel the same way you do! It is a day to feel free and happy...so happy to have moved away from the life of always being on the hunt and then being relieved and then the hunt again and it goes round and round!Today, in church, my second thing to thank God for is my relationship with suboxone. Only one thing before that and of course that is my amazing husband! And then in church, I had an epiphany...if it was not for suboxone, I would not have a relationship with anybody or anything! Strange because I say these things to my clients all the time! I do say them to myself too...but today, it just felt...real! I hope everyone celebrating Easter had a wonderful day!


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2016 3:57 pm 
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Michelle, it really is a nice feeling to not be on the "hunt" every second of the day. Its crazy how our addictions become all-consuming. Every thought I had was about finding pills, how many I had, how long they would last. They never lasted as long as I planned. Oh they will last 2 days...no, they'd be gone in under a day. Rinse, repeat. Ugh...Just thinking about it makes my heart sink. I have to learn how to let go of some of this guilt I have.

I often thank God in my prayers too for Suboxone. If it wasn't for that I wouldn't be where I am today. And I am thankful to know that if I ever needed help again, I know where to go. Of course, I'm not planning on needing it, but you never know. I'm not naive enough to think that I'm "cured" from addiction. I know it's something I will be dealing with for a very long time.

Had a friend stop by yesterday for Easter who is close with one of my other friends who is in bad active addiction. She said my friend has basically been bed ridden for months. She only comes around when she has pills. Everyone thinks she is just sick with the flu. But I know better. She is in withdrawal every damn day. I feel terrible but what can I do? I've tried to talk to her and get her help. She doesn't believe me that her pain is coming from the pills. When I was in active addiction every bone and muscle hurt and I didn't realize it was the drugs doing it. She doesn't believe me. She recently had a small heart attack and went directly back on pills. I'm afraid I'm going to lose her and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I talk to her on facebook, and text, but haven't seen her in months. I HAVE to focus ony recovery, as selfish as that sounds. She is going to die. I wish I could stop it, but I can't.

Anyways, sorry for the sad story, but that really brought me down hearing how bad she is doing. Makes me even more greatful for where I am.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 29, 2016 9:43 pm 
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I almost forgot. Today is 30 days off Subs for me! Woohoo!

I had a bad day yesterday. Really emotional which never happens to me. I was wondering if my brain was going to start firing right, when I would feel that natural dopamine working, if my hubby still loved me, if I completely fried my brain. I'm thinking maybe it came from talking to a friend who is still deep into pills and addiction. She said she is proud of me. I think the conversation affected me more than I thought it would. Just random, bad thoughts. Had a dream about pills last night too, weird. Still no cravings though, so thats good. I don't know where all of that bad stuff came from but I'm feeling better today. Still really tired, still having trouble sleeping, still taking a nap everyday, and my headaches are back. Still sneezing. The only humor I get from that is my dog freaks out and runs away every time I sneeze. It's pretty funny lol.

I did start looking for a job today. Put out a few resumes and made a few calls. It felt good to start doing things to help my family again.

This journey had definitely had ups and downs, but mostly ups. I can't complain too much about lingering issues. I did all of this to myself and now I slowly dig myself out, one day at a time. All of these little annoyances are worth it, a very small price to pay.

Regardless of how many "down" days I have, I'm still so happy I did this. Every down day leads to 2 or 3 great days, so things are absoloutely looking up and up!

Anyways, sorry for the rambling. My thoughts have been all over the place today. Hope everyone had a good day!


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:47 pm 
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Hey Loribug!!

Congrats on 1 month! Well done!! You are on your way!!

As you go forward, my 2 cents bc it worked for me, is to cut cut cut anything that brings even a speck of extra drama or stress, outside of what life already requires. I drilled down to core people, places and things from which I could handle stress. Everything else got cut cut cut. I lived as simple of life as possible and cut out every and any complication -- and I now have a very rich life. Life comes up w all its regular challenges, so why add in those stressors that might take us down... For me, this meant excluding people I hated, liked & loved, but was no longer 'strong' enough or willing to remain involved w bc they put me at risk. Or changing work to find a better fit. Or cutting out those things that took extra work and/or caused financial stress. Later, as time went on, I added more people, places and things back in, but I was very careful and still am. Make life choices that are best for you, not best for others. So, as you visit w your addict friend or as you soon accept a new job, I hope you first think of and do what is best for YOU, protect YOU and the hard work you've done --- by choosing those people, places and things that best protect YOUR health and your family's. Most of us feel/felt worthless and unable to say 'I matter'. 'I count'. That's part of your recovery - to know YOU matter!!! YOU count!!! Believe it. Protect YOU. Its worth it!! You are worth it!! Best, Pelican


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:28 pm 
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Thank you Pelican, I absoloutely needed to hear all of that today and will take your advice to heart.

These past few days have been a huge test for me. One of my "friends" from the past reared her ugly head at my back door last night looking for a fight. I don't know why as I never did anything to her. She actually stole money from me and that's why I quit talking to her. That was a year ago and I haven't seen or heard from her since...until yesterday. Anyways, I was so angry after I got her to leave I slammed 2 beers. That made me feel even worse, there was no reason for it. I was just angry. This woman comes to my house with my family here looking to fight me for no reason. It was ridiculous and she was completely belligerent. A year ago I would have jumped off of my porch and pounded her face into the ground. Luckily my husband was here and kept getting in between us. I don't know what I will do if she comes back and he's not here. I am not physically strong enough to fight yet, not do I want to.

She was making fun of me for getting my life together and going to church. I think she heard it through the grapevine that I'm doing well and its eating her up because she is the same pill popping drunk she has always been. They say the best revenge is to live a good life, and that's what I'm trying to do.

So I managed to get out of it with my face still intact lol. I am proud of myself for staying calm and not giving her the satisfaction of me brawling with her. I was extremely mad and WANTED to, but I didn't. I am however not so proud of having the beer. Although alcohol has never been trouble for me, I only have a few maybe 3 times a year, that still wasn't the right thing to do. So I had a little backslide, but I didnt seek out pills nor did I want to. Ugh...I just want this day to be over. I'm still mad lol. Time for bed I think. I'm letting this occupy too much space in my head.

Thanks for listening to this. I know its stupid, but boy an I mad.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2016 1:48 am 
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You are not the first person who has had a less than ideal response to major antagonism! You kept a cool enough head that you didn't get physical. I bet you could have done that with our without your husband there. You slammed a couple of beers which isn't optimal, but I'm sure that every addict here can understand the feeling. The good thing about now, because you're right that you didn't react the way you really wanted to, is that you can plan out how you'll handle it if there is a next time.

She didn't drag you down to her level and part of that is your growth in recovery. So, please give yourself some credit! And plan how you'll be the ice queen who will never stoop to her level again if there's a next time. :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2016 8:38 am 
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It's best to not engage with someone who's obviously high, it'll never go anywhere productive. U don't need all that extra stress right now at all. Like pelican said, avoid all stressers that u can. If someone comes knocking on ur door, avoid her, if that doesn't work call the cops on her funky butt.

Ur doing great!!

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:40 pm 
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Thank you ladies for the encouraging words. It took alot out of me to not go after her. I haven't felt right since it happened. I feel angry and reckless. I may look in to different meditation techniques...something. She completely threw my for a loop. I haven't felt this mad in a long time. I think MAYBE my brain is reacting to me not taking something to calm myself down. That's why I feel off. I was so used to popping a few pills and feeling better, now I don't know how to do that for myself. Damn it.

I'm so disappointed in myself for feeling this way. I'm disapointed that my mind went to thinking about the comfort of a pill. I used to smoke pot for a long time. That always worked, but I don't want to get back into anything like that again. I need to rely on myself to handle this. It's rainy and cold here so I can't go for a walk. Maybe I'll lay down for a bit and see if that helps. I didn't realize how fragile I am right now.

I'm over 30 days into this. I DO NOT EVER have to take a pill again or go through hell again. I keep telling myself that. Over and over...


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2016 5:10 pm 
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Hi Loribug, I think that you should be very proud of yourself! You did a great job in showing restraint and did not get physical with this heifer! lol I think you under estimate yourself! If you were using, there would have been all kinds of problems maybe even legal charges! Or worse yet...jail time! So, please, pat yourself on the back and take credit for all the positive change in your life!


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 02, 2016 11:38 am 
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Thank you Michelle, I appreciate your kind words. You made me laugh lol.

34 days off subs and I'm feeling a little better today. Slept a full 8 hours last night. Woke a few times but was able to fall right back to sleep. One of my big issues on Subs was the sudden and constant urge to pee, all hours of the day and night, so I am enjoying the nights alot more without having to get up a hundred times.

I still feel tired and bored most of the time, but it's getting easier to get up and move. When I find myself occupied with other things, I feel fine. Also, I'm not dwelling on subs and withdrawal and all those thoughts anymore. Life seems to be moving on.

I feel like I may have some paws issues, but I'm not sure if its that, or just reality. I am still happy I did this and plan to continue. This past week has been one big test between financial issues, my car being back at the garage again and basically being dead with no hope of revival lol, psycho bitches showing up at my door, and a random friend last night at the grocery store asking if I wanted pills. I said NO! Thank you, but I'm past that now. It felt good to say no. My husband was super proud of me! I felt a little sick/nervous afterwards, like racing heart and tummy issues...but I did it. I had so many emotions about it. That was the first time I have been offered anything in 8 months. It's been 8 months since I took a pill and on July 22 of this year it will be 1 year. I look forward to reaching my 1 year mark. I've come waaayyy too far!

Anyways, thanks for listening. Guess I should get up and feed the monsters...I mean the children. Lol! :D


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2016 6:30 pm 
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Wow, that is a big accomplishment! Saying no to pills! So very proud of you! You dealt with alot of stress last week and managed to get through it all without relapsing! Yes, very very proud of you! Things are tough for us too financially right now. I pay the bills, my husband is a wonderful man who deposits his paycheck each week and all he ever asks for is 40$ a week for his pocket. And that includes his gas! I have never been a saver...all about instant gratification and never telling myself or anyone else I love no! So, my husband was out of work for two weeks due to health issues and there was no pay check from him. It was a loss and set us back. If I had prepared and saved we would not be where we are today. My car too is also in need of work and I keep putting that off. If I had to deal with kids too....I would definitely loose it! So, I give you alot of credit! Hope you are having a nice Sunday!


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2016 9:17 pm 
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Day 37 and still going strong! Feeling more and more human everyday. I actually went MOST of the day without thinking about how many days it has been or how I am feeling. It was nice. :)

Thanks Michelle, I was and still am proud of myself. I felt a little off for a day after being offered pills. My addict mind kept trying to justify calling her and saying yes I changed my mind...just 1...I'll be fine with 1. Then I pulled myself back into reality and realized that just 1 would completely destroy everything I have worked SO HARD for. Over 10 years of active, dirty addiction, 8 months of resisting temptation and being faithful to my suboxone and following my heart and mind. And now I'm almost 40 days into no Suboxone. This journey has been way too long to start all over again at square one. And square one for me is a raging addiction. As the old saying goes "I'm too old for this shit!"

I still thank God for giving me the gift of Suboxone and the stregnth to handle everything that was thrown at me last week and things seem to be turning around. My dad offered to pay for my car repairs, and followed through. Got the car back today. Now I can really get going on finding a job! I think that will help me kick this boredom. There's only so much cleaning and housework I can do before I tear my hair out.

Michelle, I see you can relate to me on the financial issues. I keep telling myself there is nowhere else to go but up, and I hope we both make it there! But, things could always be worse. We could be broke and still trying to feed our addictions. Ugh...the thought of that again is enough to steer me away from drugs forever.

Today is the 12 year mark of my mom passing away, so it's been a rough day. I try to be happy and strong, but it still always gets me. Even after all this time...

She was my best friend. I wonder if she can see me now, if she is proud of me for getting away from drugs, or if she is ashamed of the things I did. I hope she is proud.

Well, going to cuddle my hubby a little before bed. Hope everyone has a good night!


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2016 8:54 am 
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Well, today is 40 days off of Suboxone. 40 DAYS! I remember back on days 2 and 3, I thought I'd never make it this far. Hell, I didn't know if I would make 10 days. 40 days seemed like a dream. I owe all of this to Suboxone. Even though I am not on it anymore, I thank God everyday for it.

It's crazy how you start putting days together and lose track of how long it has been.

Yesterday was the first time I ate something spicy and it didn't shoot right through me, haha! Too much info...I know. ;) But this was another victory for me.

I'm still sneezing, but only once a day. That seems to be the only lingering thing, and believe me I am NOT complaining about that.

My energy seems to be back at full capacity, which was never really that much to begin with, haha! But instead of popping a pill for that energy kick, I'll drink an energy shot or an extra cup of coffee and that usually does the trick.

My husband and daughter see a drastic change in my mood. When I was high all the time I was always very angry, weird because I thought I was happy. Now I can reel in my attitude and taste my words before I spit them out. It's been really nice. Way more control emotionally. I owe all of that to Suboxone. It really helped to calm my brain down so I could focus on my recovery. I would be divorced or dead if it wasn't for Subs.

I said it once and I'll say it again and again. For anyone who feels like they are ready to make the jump off subs, it can be done.
BUT, if you are happy on subs and living the life you never thought you'd have again and are comfortable being on them, then I say stay on them! I had my own personal reasons for wanting off of them, plus my insurance was about to be cancelled.

This is a very personal journey, and if I have helped even 1 person to be a little stronger, or to hold their head up a little higher, then my little journal here has served its purpose.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day. It's Friday...smile! :D


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2016 12:35 pm 
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Hi all. 46 days off Subs today and I feel good! I wanted to give an update for anyone who is still reading this. I can't begin to thank everyone who got me through my sub WD. It was all of your kind, encouraging words that kept me going...kept me grounded in reality. You are all in my prayers and will continue to be. I wish I could hug all of you.

Tomorrow me and the hubby are going to a Pittsburgh Pirate game! Its the first big event I have gone to sober and I can't wait. I put my husband through alot these past 10 years and I owe him one hell of a good time. Plus, I deserve a nice day out too! I've accomplished so much, this is my little reward!

My daughter was up sick last night so I didn't sleep much, but it feels good to wake up and chug some coffee to refresh myself...instead of popping some pills. The weather has FINALLY turned into something reasonable here lol, so I may just lounge on my back porch all day enjoying the warm sun. I have a lot of yard work to do...but that may have to wait for the weekend. I'm exhausted from being up all night. Lazy day today I think.

We are finally almost done making my car road worthy, so I will be able to start actively looking for work next week.

Things are falling together. I pray to God that this upward momentum continues. I know there will always be ups and downs, such is life. Today is a sleepy tired day, tomorrow will be the day I remind my husband of the cool easy going chick he married. It will be a GREAT day!

There are days that I don't think about drugs, or my life saver suboxone at all, and I think that's huge! I will be back to update around day 50.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, energy filled, fun day! Please remember, whatever method you prefer to stay clean from your drug of choice...if it works for you, keep at it. For your health, family, spiritual wellbeing, all of it...your life is worth it!


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2016 2:20 pm 
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Lori that is so good to hear that you are doing well on Day 46. Because on Day 35 I am thinking about heroin and opiates all day long. I am constantly planning on how I could relapse and how great it would be. I know that it would be NOT GREAT, and how stupid it is, but wow it's like my brain is full retard right now. You are inspirational, I hope to be feeling as good as you are on Day 46!!!


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