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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 3:47 pm 
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Day 12, and I feel amazing!!!

Thank you rule and Jen for the replies. I know I drone on and on and I appreciate anyone who has the stregnth to get through one of my sermons here haha! ...and I couldn't agree more. Reading forums on horrible experiences is enough to put anyone off. It held me back for years.

It isn't easy breaking a decade+ long addiction...but I think it was more the mental anguish...the waiting for stuff to start happening that was worse than any actual symptom I had.

Suboxone maintenance isn't something anyone should be ashamed of. It SAVED MY LIFE! I was there everyday, cold chills, insomnia, anxiety, massive mood swings and anger, never knowing if I had the resources to get my DOC and if I did...not knowing if anyone would come through with any. It was terrible. By the time I started the subs, I was sooo sick of the merry to round. I hated the pills more than anything I have ever loathed before. At that point it was about not getting sick...to hell with getting high. I just didn't want to be sick.

I never hated the suboxone, I simply KNEW I was ready to stop. I never once craved drugs after I went on subs, and I haven't had 1 craving since I stopped them. *knock on wood* LOTS of wood, haha! ;)

I have never been through heroin WD but I know what I just went through was a week of exhaustion and some GI problems...very mild rls, and that's about it. Oh and the sneezing. Doesn't sound like heroin WD to me. I was able to maintain my home and my family through it. Coming off pills I couldn't get out of bed. This was completely different. Refreshingly different.

People please listen when I say it CAN BE DONE!! If you want to quit subs, taper as low as you can for as long as you can, take a deep breath, and jump. You will be okay! There are some people who have to stay on subs, and thats okay too! To each his own!

Please don't think that I'm some cheesy eternal optimistic who sees nothing but flowers and pukes rainbows lol, that is not me. If anything I am a glass half empty girl lol, and sometimes I like to play in my darkness...but I'm telling ya...I feel great, and I am pleasantly surprised by it. I'm no longer afraid of jinxing myself by saying these things out loud. I feel good, I look better than I have in YEARS, and my attitude has done a total 180. Yes I still have down times. I start to dwell on the stupid shit I have done in the past, and that's okay too. I think about it and move on. I can't linger too long there or it will get me.

Anyone who got through this long post thanks for reading. I kind of look at this like journal entries. I say what I feel and if someone is helped by it, then that's an extra, huge bonus for me. I am here to help anyone who needs it and plan on paying it forward. Don't mind me if I continue to update this, as I'm sure not everyday will feel this good. Writing all of this out is just the medicine I need. :D


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:12 pm 
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Loribug-
You are doing great! 12 days off and you are almost certainly past all the worst withdrawal symptoms. Have you found your emotions are out of control at this point? I remember just feeling everything so much more intensely, songs sounded incredible and I was all in on conversations with people. I am not trying to say suboxone was to blame for my loss of emotion, suboxone was a life saver for me as well. Keep up the great work


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 8:17 pm 
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Hi Loribug!

I’m reading your every post and send my kudos for your accomplishments and thanks for all the good info!

What struck me is you are new here to post, yet have been a quietly reading all the stories here for years. Such a cool site here, isn’t it ?!!! Look at all the teachings offered up on this forum, and look at all you learned and applied!! It looks like you learned you needed to start bup to stop your active addiction, that you chose to stop and that a slow taper to a low dose works. In turn you became a teacher thru sharing your positive experience. You are now 12 days off and doing pretty well!

Given your reading all the stories here for years, to me, I hope that means you have learned there are danger zones to watch for and your goal, post-taper, is to get and keep clean time. I am a few years off bup now and continue to work hard on my recovery, including lurking and posting on this site.

I look forward to more posts from you, not only short-term but down the line to help others who also may wish to stop. Best, P

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 15, 2016 8:37 am 
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Doing it and pelican, thanks for the comments. For some reason they aren't showing up on the page for me and I can only access them through my emails. Not sure what I'm doing wrong here lol.

I'm at 16 days here and still feeling okay, and yes my emotions were a little out of control last week, but doing better now. I yelled at my niece for doing something stupid, completely forgetting she is a 12 year old girl and is going to do alot more stupid things lol. So I apologized to her for my anger. Since then I have been learning to keep my mouth in check. We took my niece in 6 months ago when her guardian passed away, and she is a typical unappreciative kid. Smart and pretty, but doesn't really get what it's like to be in a real, working family yet. It's been a struggle to say the least. But still even through all of this, no cravings or thoughts of getting high, so I'll take that as a win!

I was even having bad pain in my back yeaterday, a trigger to go to the hospital for pills, and I didn't. I dealt with it and moved on. That's HUGE for me!! I didn't even have the urge..nothing. At the peak of my addiction I was traveling for hours around hitting all the emergency rooms for pills, and I always got them. It was terrible and I'm so embarrassed by that now, but it feels good to know I don't ever have to do that again. It's very liberating!

I'm still very tired, especially over this past weekend. And this daylight savings crap doesnt help.

Question: At what point do we stop blaming suboxone withdrawal for all our problems and accept that it's just your normal self? I clearly remember that I have always been a sleepy person lol, I nap everyday if I can...always have. It's hard for me to distinguish real life things from the suboxone. Like, 6 months from now I don't want to be tired and still blaming it on the subs..ya know?..lol.

I definitely still feel very mild rls but its only if I sit or lay for too long, and still have subtle cold symptoms like the unrelenting sneezing. Geesh!

Well, that's my day 16 update. Still exhausted and unmotivated, but still clean! I hope the energy and all the rest start to come back. Annnddd...I just sneezed. Haha! :D


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2016 4:56 pm 
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Hello everyone. Day 18 update.

I remember back on day 2 and 3 not being able to imagine this far ahead, even though it hasn't actually been that long.

The RLS is gone for the most part. Every once in a while it sneaks up at night, but doesn't last long. Still sneezing alot with a runny nose and sore throat...but seeing as everyone in my house has a cold, I'm thinking they all just infected me. No matter how much I try to avoid them, lol, they still got me. ;)

Everything seems back to normal, except energy...still no energy, and sleeping. Since I jumped I have been sleeping, but only for 5 hours at night. I'm up at 4:30 in the morning no matter what time I go to sleep. 11:30, 10:00, or 3am, I'm still up at 4:30 and it's driving me nuts. As soon as I wake up my mind starts racing and I can't get back to sleep no matter what I do. My alarm goes off at 6:30 every morning so I usually just lay there, angry and annoyed. Not a good way to start the day.

I bought some Tylenol Simply Sleep to try tonight. I hope it works and doesn't make me groggy in the morning. I also bought some mulit vitamins. Haven't taken those in well over 10 years, figured it couldn't hurt to kick start my health in the right direction.

Other than those minor complaints, everything seems on par for where I should be. My brain isn't foggy anymore and I feel like I'm thinking clearly for the first time in a looonnnggggg time! I'm actually remembering things. My memory has been just terrible for years and I feel like it's actually working now, so that's a good thing.

Hope everyone has a great day/night.
Much love to all of you. If anyone needs to talk, I am here.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 17, 2016 9:11 pm 
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Hey Lori. Are you enjoying music more off Suboxone?


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 2:40 pm 
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Yes teejay, absoloutely! It was like a wave of emotion came over me when I "remembered" how much my music meant to me. I listen to hard rock/heavy metal and draw such stregnth from it. After my mother and 18 year old brother passed, it was that music that got me through. I still listened while in active addiction, but it wasn't the same. Now I walk around with my earbuds in and find excuses to leave so I can listen to a song or 2 in the car lol.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 11:20 am 
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Hey all, DAY 21, 3 WEEKS OFF SUBS!!! :D

Thoight I'd drop in for a quick update. Just got back from Palm Sunday church services where I watched my daughter sing in front of the whole congregation. It was so nice to watch with a clear head and heart.

I wasn't sure I would make it this far, even though I know I am still in the early stages of recovery. 3 weeks feels like a lifetime.

I'm dealing with some issues popping up, like headaches, and those intense headaches were the reason I went on vicodin in the first place. However, this time, I'm figuring out other ways to deal with them and move on, with no desire or urge to use. Who knew ice packs, ibuprofen, and Excedrin migraine could work so well? Lol! Other than the headaches, I'm still having some GI issues and still waking up at 4:30 every morning. Last night I was able to fall back to sleep until 7:30, making that about 7 hours of sleep. I was pleasantly surprised when I woke up and the sun was up! Getting a full night of sleep through this process really does wonders for your mentality. Of course I have a headache, but I can't complain too much. Halfway through the day I still feel really tired, kind of like I'm wearing a led suit, but it passes as the day goes on and I catch a second wind around dinner time.

I am living proof that this can be done! I'm so happy that I was able to get on the sub program when I did. It saved me. It helped me develop and maintain a routine and a way of life that BROKE that addict cycle. No waking up in the morning panicked that I wouldn't be able to supply me need. No getting nervous for dr appts to get pills. It helped me remember a normal functioning life. I will be forever greatful for suboxone and the drastic change in my life. I'm more in tune with my daughter and niece. I'm more patient and available for my wonderful hubby.

Baby steps, but it really can be done. You just have to be ready, and only you know when that is. One day I just woke up and knew it was time and I don't regret that decision. 3 weeks is a big deal for me. It's the longest I've gone without anything in years and years, and yes, I'm damn proud of myself!

Hope everyone has a wonderful, peaceful Sunday! Peace and love! ❤


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 10:30 pm 
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Congratulations! What an accomplishment!

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2016 3:47 pm 
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Thank you Amy!

22 days off Subs, but still thankful
EVERYDAY that I was fortunate enough to have Subs in my life! I was a lucky one, able to get into the first Sub Dr I called, and the very next day! That was pure luck. I am well aware of how lucky I am with that. I know there are desperate people out there still waiting for help. I pray for those people everyday. And I'm overjoyed for people who have found suboxone and have tapered and jumped successfully (so far) like me, OR are living a healthy, happy life WITH Suboxone! There is no right or wrong it's a personal choice.

As I go through some posts on this forum, I see so many people with such hatred for Suboxone. Why all the hate? Maybe its from people who abuse them or have underlying issues that they blame on the subs. People just not happy with sub treatment. I know, there are potential side effects to any drug, and I'm sure there are some side effects with Subs that aren't documented as fact. But nothing can be worse than the way we abuse ourselves and the garbage we put into our bodies with our DOC. I dont know...just my opinion, and everyone is entitled to their own.

Having a tired day today, but I did stay up extra late watching The Walking Dead, so that's probably my fault. Oops...totally worth it! :D

I'm learning to differentiate between suboxone stuff and normal life stuff. I can't blame every waking moment on a suboxone wd symptom, especially this far out of it. Some things are lingering..my poor tummy and the diarrhea. Although this may be something to address with a dr. I don't think it's suboxone related anymore.

Other than that, having some weird, non stop pain in my lower left side, under my rib cage. Everything I google about it leads me to scary results, so i may make a trip to the dr to see what it is. It's been getting worse for a week and now I'm getting worried. Don't worry, the pain isn't a trigger for pills. It's crazy how my mind is in such a different place now, and I credit the Subs for that.

That's all for now. Thanks to whoever reads my blabbing on and on... ;)


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 21, 2016 3:59 pm 
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I have found, Lori, that the people who hate sub for not solving all of their problems, also take zero responsibility for any other decisions they make. Much easier to blame everything on sub than to accept the consequences of their actions.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2016 7:47 am 
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You're so correct Amy! I never thought about it that way. This is why I love being a member here. Different points of view and a new way of thinking. I love it!

Wanted to give a quick update while I have a minute between getting the kids on their busses for school. I slept straight through 4:30 last night! I did wake a few times, but immediately fell back to sleep! I am SOOOOOO happy about this tiny 4:30am hurdle I got over!

Will check back in later. Everyone have a great day!


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2016 5:20 pm 
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Amy, I just wanted to thank you and the others here who have checked in on me for the support I have received. This forum has been my breath of fresh air. Especially the people who are still on subs and plan to be for a long time/life...for those people to support someone like me who decided to get off of subs is amazing! It really does mean THE WORLD to me. Wow...my gratitude cannot be summed up with words. Just...thank you. I have been trying to reach out here and there to new people I see posting. I'm always afraid I will say the wrong thing, but I try and will keep trying. Sometimes, for me at least, it's not about someone saying the "right" thing...its enough to know someone cares enough to reply. Ya know? :)


Day 23 and feeling good!

Woke up after a good nights sleep without any WD symptoms. The last two days I got through with only 1 or 2 sneezes here and there. Petty complaint...I know, but damn we all know those WD sneezes can be painful after a while. I'm wondering if those were the cause of my side pain. Geesh lol.

Anyways, trying to keep it short today...gotta get up and cook up some fried chicken for my family...yummy!

I really just wanted to say thank you to everyone here. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

MUCHO LOVE AND PEACE TO YOU ALL!
xoxo~Lori


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 22, 2016 7:50 pm 
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Hi Loribug, I am so very happy for you and find each of your posts very inspiring! My plan is to start cutting my 2mg strips in half and go to 3mgs for a while. I do have a question and I hope you don't find it too personal! Do you feel that suboxone effected your sex drive? I am also in menopause and know that plays a role too! I read somewhere that maca root helps so I purchased a bottle of the liquid and have been adding a few drops to my water each morning. Thank you for your help! Please keep posting! YOU are a true role model!


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 7:32 am 
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Good morning Michelle! I woke up early to see the lunar eclipse and it was covered with clouds. What a bummer!! The Pittsburgh area is ALWAYS covered with clouds. Boo! :(

Thank you for all the nice words. It means so much to me. I felt so useless for so long, its nice to know I can still be helpful to someone.

Nothing is too personal for me lol. Yes, I was having libido issues. I was never sure if it was the Subs or me just becoming comfortable and lazy. Maybe a little of both. I just really had no desire for it. Once we'd get started, of course everything went great...but it was the getting started part that was hard for me. My husband would complain that I never initiated sex anymore, so I would for a while and then fall off again. Or I would flirt with him all day, then when the kids went to bed I would go to bed too lol. Poor guy! I love him and love being with him physically, but it was difficult for him to understand that it wasn't him. I'm still having problems with it. I think I might be standing in my own way. It's weird for me to have no desire for sex. Me and my husband have been together for 13 years and I've never had trouble getting in the mood before. It's frustrating.

I can imaging that menopause plays a big roll in sexual desire. My doctors told me I was in pre menopause, whatever that means lol. Please let me know if the maca root helps. I am willing to try anything! I'm wondering if I get off my lazy ass and start exercising of that would help to pull everything back together for me. I exercised maybe twice during detox, haha! I can be ridiculously lazy at times. I was so tired from being a wife and mom, I couldn't bring myself to move in any other way.

You said you were going to start taking 3mg. Are you lowering your dose to eventually taper off? I know I always felt better on lower doses of subs. Like they say, less is more with bupe. Just listen to your body. It's pretty good at telling you when you have stabilized at your current dose, but I'm sure you already know that.

I hope you have a wonderful day and I will check back in later. Got a lot to do for Easter coming up. My daughter is participating in Church services tomorrow and sunday, so I'm excited. We live next door to our church, so a have no excuse to miss. Plus, my landlord is the pastor of the church lol. Like I said...NO EXCUSE, haha!

Anyways, here I go again blabbing on and on ...I'll stop now. ;)


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 9:25 am 
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Day 25.

I feel like these next few days will be a HUGE test for me. My mother in law is having extensive knee surgery today. I have medical background so she wants my help afterwards. I can't even imagine the amount of pills that will be laying around her house. I haven't had any cravings, and it's been 8 months since I've had a pill. But, I also haven't had them stating me I'm the face either, and I'm not so far out that I don't remember how much I love the warm fuzzy opi high. I know I could get pills off of her. She freely gives to whoever asks and she doesn't really know of my struggles. I mean, she knows, but not the extent of it. I think I should make an excuse to not be there. She has kids who can help her.

I didn't even think about any of this until about 10 mins ago, we have to leave for the hospital in an hour. I'm sure I will be okay and able to resist snatching a few. I just have to tell myself that I don't EVER have to go through WD again. I don't have my sub Dr anymore and cut off all of my "friends" who sold pills. If I took a few pills, that would start a cycle I couldn't handle. I know even just one would set me back. I know this.

Wish me luck. I already feel my blood pressure going up just thinking about it. Blah! I think I'm way over thinking this.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 11:29 am 
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Loribug wrote:
Amy, I just wanted to thank you and the others here who have checked in on me for the support I have received. This forum has been my breath of fresh air. Especially the people who are still on subs and plan to be for a long time/life...for those people to support someone like me who decided to get off of subs is amazing! It really does mean THE WORLD to me. Wow...my gratitude cannot be summed up with words. Just...thank you. I have been trying to reach out here and there to new people I see posting. I'm always afraid I will say the wrong thing, but I try and will keep trying. Sometimes, for me at least, it's not about someone saying the "right" thing...its enough to know someone cares enough to reply. Ya know? :)


Day 23 and feeling good!

Woke up after a good nights sleep without any WD symptoms. The last two days I got through with only 1 or 2 sneezes here and there. Petty complaint...I know, but damn we all know those WD sneezes can be painful after a while. I'm wondering if those were the cause of my side pain. Geesh lol.

Anyways, trying to keep it short today...gotta get up and cook up some fried chicken for my family...yummy!

I really just wanted to say thank you to everyone here. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

MUCHO LOVE AND PEACE TO YOU ALL!
xoxo~Lori


We are proud of you, Loribug! Michelle is so correct. Your posts inspire us. You're just at a different point of your journey. This is what a community of recovering addicts is supposed to look like! Supporting each other as we travel our recovery path.

There is so much infighting in the recovery community right now, it's disheartening. One of the reasons I fight so hard to keep this place as accepting as possible is so that our forum is a safe haven from the types of arguments that we receive in the rest of the world. We accept everyone here who wants to be in recovery and who isn't here to argue that buprenorphine is terrible.

One of the trends I see is that some addicts want to give bupe all this power that it doesn't actually have. It is a powerful tool, but it's only a tool. The active ingredients have a certain set of mechanisms that perform a certain set of outcomes. It's our addict brains that distort what we think bupe is capable of. When people rail against bupe, they are actually railing against their addiction. But they substitute the bupe in place of their addiction. It's far easier to scapegoat a medication that part of the recovery community is against anyway, than deal with the addiction that has a hold of their lives. Those of us who get that are more at peace with using our medication and seeing others get off their medication. Our pride comes from the fact that we have turned our lives around, not from how we got there.

My hope is that you and others like you who have tapered off sub will continue to post here. We need a real life accounting of what it is like to be off bupe as time goes on. We need to know about the problems we will encounter if we get to the same place. We have definitely heard from some folks that taper off, but end up relapsing because addiction is chronic and persistent. It would be helpful to have an accounting of how their slide began, or how they confronted the difficulties caused by addiction without bupe on their side.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say you're welcome and that's what we're here for, to prop each other up.

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 11:32 am 
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Incredible positive work on your part!! Thanks for the great posts you are good enough to share w us.

Yep, lots of opportunities come up to test us that we have to watch out for. I call them the danger zones, bc that's exactly what they are. Danger zones. And we have to approach them as such, or we'll be back in too quick. Just as it was so easy to lie to ourselves we would not get addicted, that we could handle our opiate abuse, we could easily stop, blah blah blah - its just as easy to lie to ourselves that we'll sail thru the danger zone. But that thinking can get you in trouble, really fast.

If it were me, I'd beg off helping your MIL. Seriously. Its not worth it in any way to be near pills this early. You need to be extremely selfish for a long time. I stayed away from anything that even remotely reminded me of abusing. I refused to enter a pharmacy or drug store w a pharmacy. When I needed meds, had them delivered by delivery service or by mail. I had no alcohol problem but still refused to enter the wine section of the grocery store. I stopped friends from discussing the pain meds used for their athletic injuries. I could go on and on. In time, over time I've carefully lessened restrictions but am still very careful.

There is good info here that our addiction is powerfully cued by our environment and habits we engage in, that we need to cut out. Amy has well written on this and its elsewhere in threads somewhere. I hope you find more info on this and cut cut cut. You need to be very very careful as you are very vulnerable. Going to your MIL and helping is one habit you likely need to stop for awhile. Extensive knee surgery will likely involve pain pills around for awhile due to surgery and rehab. We all think we are above and beyond a slip or relapse but it can happen before we even can blink. Your husband knows your struggle, right? Ask him to help you w a reason to beg off if its too hard for you to do it yourself.


Last edited by Pelican on Thu Mar 24, 2016 11:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 11:38 am 
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I somehow didn't realize until now that you're from the Burgh! What section of town do you live in and have you been there most of your life? You can PM me if you don't want that info known here.

I was born at St. Clair Hospital and the part of living in Pittsburgh that I remember I lived in McKees Rocks. What do you like about being in Pittsburgh? Besides the weather which I know can suck. I still have family in Bethel Park and I visit them every couple of years.

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 12:07 pm 
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Pelican is completely correct. There is no reason that you have to put yourself in this position and so early too. I don't mean to sound jerky, but testing yourself this early is foolhardy. There's a meme that's been going around facebook lately. This is what it says:

"Addiction is shooting up in a Wendy's bathroom because you simply can't wait any longer. It forces you to call your dealer at 12:03am because your money just came through and you'll be damned if you have to wait for a more reasonable hour. It's crawling around on the floor desperately hoping to find a random pill or a speck of drugs you dropped. It's not just because you can't wait to get high. It's mainly because you can't stand another second of rocking back and forth, staring at the clock, wondering how only 5 minutes has passed. Addiction is impatient, unforgiving, and manipulative. Don't test it. If you go in thinking you'll stay in control, you will lose, and you'll never be the same again."

Don't forget what you're up against.

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