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PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 4:20 pm 
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Took my last dose of suboxone yesterday. Jumped off at 8 mg. My doctor had me on Suboxone and xanax and or klonopin over the 2 years (i was real bad with benzos when I was walked in) My last prescription was for 30 8 mg strips and 30 half mg klonopins. both thing i took once a day but since I was planning on jumping off I made sure to take .25 of my klonopin for the most of the month to have a few for the withdrawal (might need another script of klonopin to get through this), took the last one yesterday just about 24 hours ago that i run into this right now.

My biggest fear is going back on to suboxone becase I started suboxone right when I got into Sharps and stamps (I hate sayying the words now) and i hated myself for even starting and i knew thats when I had to change something, I got on subxone after about 8 months of pinning drugs becase I could not even beleive what I turned into. the whole idea of those harder things literally scares me now, like phobia style. It has been 2 years, and I knew now was the time to come off because I was literally fiending for my next subxone dose, as apose about a year ago I would actually forget to take my dose and have to wait till i got home and then take it before bed becase I always split my doses up into 2. I feel like my opiate metabolism sped up, and I have been throughly scared about what could happen if you use after kicking suboxone because you tolerance is so low.

I never attended any NA meetings,. and to be honest with you. I never EVER had any drug addict friends. I am conservative christian, and it seems that most addicts are heathan athiest liberals who I just could never get along with. So needless to say I always had friends who were clean as a whistle who i had to hide all my skeletons from. I have to much more to look forward to with a clean life instead of the one I was leading beofore.

enough history

I really do not feel nearly as bad as I thought. It has been almost 20 hours since my last dose, and I always dosed two times a day because I would normally start feeling withdrawls 12 hours after my last dose, nothing physical, but always a lot on anxiety

TODAY
today I took 1mg of klonopin total.
It is a sunday where I am so I know there is going to be no doctor calls whatsoever (I planned it like this)
I think I have 7 klonopins left, I hope I do not have to take one later, but if I can squeeze in one more night of sleep it would be something i would really look foward too

I do not really feel like i am going through withdrawls right now. This morning in bed I had some withdrawal sensation. but as long as I stay sem- active I seem to be totally fine.

anyone have any ideas on wheather I should work out now, or wait till I start feeling a littl crappy?

I am going to update this everyday, and maybe even more than once a day depending on how I feel. Thank god that Jesus has blessed me with enough time in my own house, and being comfortable money wise, enough inbetween jobs to free myself of a medication that did do good, but now I see can easily take over the rest of my life. Amen I am happy there is no subxone in my house to drive my crazy with, I would have started this days ago. but did not want to waste medication by flushing it down a toilet


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 6:07 pm 
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 8:34 pm 
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Man.
If this is serious, you need some deep suboxone education.

8mg is still a lot. You aren't out of the woods after 20 hours at all. You haven't even gotten out of the car to go into the woods yet.

It won't start to get bad for another couple days.

Long term Benzos by themselves are no walk in the park either. So. It's not going to be easy.

You are an addict. I don't care who your friends were and saying NA wouldn't be for you because all your friends were clean makes no sense at all. It's about you... Not your buddies.

You just need to accept that this stuff is hard and doesn't just magically go away because Jesus saved you, you were only friends with clean people, you have a phobia of drugs, Ect.

I just want you not get educated and get real so this isn't such a shock.

You probably feel great right now. You are on suboxone. Your cravings are managed. You are still taking an opiate every day.

So. Next time you think that those at meetings are atheist heathen liberals that don't know much.... Think about how much you are exactly like all of them and need their help. We are all after the same thing here. You are no different. The sooner you figure that out... The better.


So.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 8:42 pm 
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best of luck to you my friend.. please dont forget to update daily like you said... acceptance has been a major part for me in staying clean, just saying. I hope you do well

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my first day a guy asked me how i was doing, i said terriable bro, he said hang in there. I said well how do I do that, he said just let go....


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 12:56 pm 
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I am by no stretch of the imagination am I a suboxone expert but I did jump 8 days ago and can tell you that at 20 hours there is still enough sub in your system to keep you feeling ok. The worst for me so far has been yesterday. Day 7, and I jumped from 4mg after only being on subs for 3 months. I am not trying to discourage you, just want you to know what realistically to expect. 8mg seems high to jump from. Hell 4mg is high, seems like most jump from under 1mg. With that being said I want to tell you good luck and that if you Want this bad enough I am sure you will do fine.

I also wanted to add that I am an addict and I am the complete opposite of a atheist liberal. I lean very right and do believe in god. Nobody is
perfect.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2013 8:36 am 
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Maybe now, at 36hrs, those great feelings that were felt at 20hrs aren't so great anymore...nearing the threshold where more & more suboxone leaves the receptors in the brain and withdrawals become more and more severe...
After 5 years on Suboxone, when I see people saying they want to be totally clean, I think about the video that Dr. Junig posted about stopping suboxone (part 1)...(it's in his blog for those who'd like to view it...I'll go get a link shortly and edit my post)

But I feel just as he does...and my mind starts wanting to ask questions. Firstly...why? Why do you want to be off Suboxone? As the doctor said, opiate addiction is a chronic illness, which needs chronic treatment. If you don't treat it, then chances are great that it will come back with a vengeance. Most answers to the question "Why?" are along the lines of "I'm not really clean"...."Someone said I was still taking an opiate every day, and i just traded one addiction for another"...."I went to a NA meeting and they said I wasn't really clean, and that I had to be off of everything to be in meetings"..."I feel a slight buzz from taking Suboxone and have some side effects that aren't normal"

And with that, it's obvious that those people have forgotten that they were willing to pawn their mom's butt hair to get another fix....and now??? I'd believe ON suboxone they think very clearly and are able to dictate what's right and wrong. As actively-seeking addicts, they were willing to steal their family and friends blind...willing to walk into a store and pick something up, stick it in their pocket, and walk out without paying because the trade-off would get you another fix...willing to do things for pills or another high that no normal person would do, under ANY circumstances....

When I see people saying they aren't really clean, I have to stop and look at myself....before I started Suboxone, I had a piece of shit car that barely ran...and it died on me 1 mile from home. I left it on the side of the road after I cleaned it out, and got the expired tag off of it...and never went back for it. It was a real POS too...a 1994 Old cutlass cierra. Ran hot, because I was too damn high to pay attention to maintaining it...I just needed it to get me to my drug dealer's house, and I was driving it hard daily, at least 45 miles round trip...just to go get pills from him. There were thoughts that I had towards the very end...about things that I could "potentially" do if the need for pills was bad enough...I'm glad I never stooped that low, but the thoughts were there...
I broke into my step-dads and stole pills from him...usually while I was in withdrawals pretty bad...or had no options...and stole money from him...things that under NO circumstance would I ever do. If I needed to feed my kids, I wouldn't even do that...
And now I look at where I am, 5 years after being on Suboxone. I'm able to stay home with my kids...because my wife has a great job. We have 3 vehicles...from that one piece of shit car...now we own 2 (with titles)...and just refi'd our van (2011 Sienna) with our credit union..and got our foot in the door with the credit union so that NEXT time when we want to buy a car...we can go get a check from the Credit union instead of dealing with dealership bullshit...
Of the 3 vehicles...none are really a piece of shit, and none are used to visit a drug dealer. My wife has a work car...just an old 96 Chevy Lumina that we picked up last month so we could stop putting miles on the van...and for the FIRST time in my life, (and I'm 34), I have a "toy" vehicle to just play around with. It's a '74 Ford F100 Ranger. Just rebuilt the carburetor last week and got it running pretty good...but it's a restore job...buy some stuff here n there...something I NEVER was able to do ...I always needed pills WAY worse.
Frigging bills aren't even that big. We have 4 cell phones on our plan...went from using prepaid, throw-away phones to getting a contract phone...then got 2...then got 3...and so on. Added the 4th phone last month for my 12 year-old daughter...she got an iPhone 4S (which she got wet Sunday and appears to have ruined it...unsure yet).
We have our DSL internet...then we added another DSL line just for shits and giggles because we game as a family...and have two playstation 3 consoles. My wife games in the den, and I game in the bedroom...and we use separate connections so we can play against each other. Never had internet when I was an addict that needed my fix daily. I actually ran a phone line across the yard to my step-dads house and used dial-up when he would be at work at night...then I would d/c it during the day so he could use the phone. Never had anything that I could call 'disposable' income...and obviously we do have that now or we wouldn't be able to afford the things I listed.
So ...just how has Suboxone made life for me? 5 years ago, I couldn't get my hands on enough money...ever. Or enough pills.
And now, my wife gripes at me because I'm the one who wants to save and stay home...let's skip going out to eat..we got food in the fridge....let's not add those stupid HBO channels on the satellite..because they play the same crap over and over....
So....while some people may look at me and say "you aren't really clean...you just traded one addiction for another"....I can say "well, you know what...I never had the things I have now when I was eating pills and snorting oxy...so while in your eyes, I may not be clean by your standards...according to what my family is able to do and have...I'm cleaner than most people who don't take Tylenol, or even use vitamins."

If that makes me more of an addict..then that's just a person's opinion. If that makes me "unclean" somehow...then I prefer to be unclean...instead of being on the verge of suicide because I don't want to live through another round of Oxycontin withdrawals again. If according to NA meetings, I am lying when I say that I'm sober...then I don't need that mindset..because my family knows and sees the real me. I'm the compassionate father, the loving husband..the attentive man that I should be for my family. While I don't work for the money..I do handle the bills...and I'm the reason we've juggled things from paycheck to paycheck until she got this nice promotion..if my thought process was altered due to being high...I would've never been able to pay our bills using only my brain...I don't keep a budget..I don't write down when bills are due...I just remember what needs paying, and when it needs paying. A doped person can't perform such tasks...because that bill money for the power this month might need to go towards a $250 pill fix (that would only last about 3 days...then it would be time for another bill to be put towards a pill fix..until all our shit would be cut off)..

I went off on a tangent for a bit, but I wanted to make it VERY clear and I had a point to my tangent...
You really need to look HARD at yourself while on Suboxone...and look HARD at this picture-perfect idea of "clean"...and whose standards are you becoming "clean" for?
I don't see it in my best interest, or in the interest of my health or my family...that I become abstinent from everything...I have something wrong with me...I'm an addict. Always will be. No matter how much suboxone I take...if I stopped taking it..there's a damn good chance that I would have SOMETHING cause me to need opiates again, and there we would be at ground zero...yet again for the 4th time in my life. I really don't think I could do it again...I don't think I'd make it this time if that happened.

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2013 9:54 am 
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jonathanm1978 wrote:
And with that, it's obvious that those people have forgotten that they were willing to pawn their mom's butt hair to get another fix.....


LOL....That is so freaking funny! :lol:
What's the going rate on butt hair now a days?


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 11, 2013 10:10 am 
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I haven't checked on that in...say....5 years or so. If I remember correctly...I wasn't able to acquire a butthair to pawn, but I did take the pawn shop some ...quite amusing stuff once....I remember the guy actually laughing because I was trying to pawn shit that really wasn't worth having...I had a $30 mini video recorder...some earphones...I think some old cell phone...it was like 10 items...cost probably didn't add up to $70 in all...and he thought it was funny that I was pawning such petty stuff...
Nothing like being laughed at when you're trying to get that next fix...makes you wanna go postal and just say "gimmee that damn money"

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Adam Wayne P.
DOB: July 1, 1985
October 8, 2013

RIP little brother. Gone, but not forgotten.


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