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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 9:06 am 
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Well, I will start with some background information, I am 23 years old, female, and single mother. My mother passed away when I was 15 unexpectedly and that started my pain pill addiction of hydrocodone. I was taking anywhere from 10 hydrocodone 10mgs to 15 a day. That continued for three years and on top of that I was drinking heavily everyday and smoking pot everyday all day, looking back I am thankful to God that I am not dead. I then got pregnant with my daughter and she was everything to me, I quit doing everything I even stopped my eating disorder because all I wanted to do was make sure my child was healthy.
he was born strong and healthy and I was more than happy to be a mother even though I was incredibly young. I had an emergency c-section so I was prescribed 30 percocet five mgs. and then a week later they gave me a refill, so as you can imagine I was addicted again. At this time I started buying pain pills off of the street because I was a single mother that got no help from the father, I was working a fulltime job, and going to college. I was only getting about two hours of sleep and couldn't function without them.
I couldn't afford them and take care of my child so I said enough is enough, my child always came first so I was never able to buy what I needed. That is when I heard about subutex, I thought it was a miracle drug at first because for 20 dollars I could have something that would last me a few days, I was also buying these from the street because there was no subutex doctors in the state I reside in. I was taking very small amounts for a few months but my tolerance started building and eventually I was up to 16mgs a day and again I couldn't afford it. I have been on subutex for about 2-3 years now and two months ago I decided to quit cold turkey, I lasted 15 days and I felt amazing but then a friend brought some to my house and I thought one couldn't hurt, well it did I was back on them. It has only been a month but I am done. I have been clean now for 5 days and I am determined to stay off this time. The difference that will make me succeed this time is I am reaching out for support. I have let go of my "friends" that deal with them just because I know I can't keep them around and stay clean. I want to be clear though, I do NOT blame those people because they didn't force me, I could have said no. I also do not blame subutex or the pain pills because it was my decision to start on these things and they did not destroy me, I destroyed myself but I am on my way to rebuilding and I have no support around here besides my father so I am reaching out to the internet to this forum. Any advice, support would be appreciated. Thank you for your time on reading my post. I know this is lengthy and I apologize for that :)


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 4:14 pm 
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It's great to have you posting here. I don't for one minute doubt that you want to be done with your addiction. I'm sure of it. Unfortunately , the chance of you succeeding is going to be less than 10%. I don't say that to be mean or discourage you. Everyone here wants you to succeed. Many of us have gone through the same things. Unfortunately if it were just a matter of willpower and "being done" we would not have the epidemic of opiate addiction in the US that we do.

First of all you have never really gotten treatment. Buying bup on the street is not treatment. You are young and your brain has not even completed growing yet. Beyond that, your drug use has retarded your brain growth. That is not to say you are retarted but the growth of your brain is. You don't by your admission have a support system. You still have using friends. These things are all against success.

I know you don't want to hear any of this. But many others here will tell you the same thing. If you really want to take care of that child and I know you do, you MUST get into treatment - real treatment. That likely means staying on sub for a long time - as in many years. The research is clear that if you don't do this you will be right back in full addiction again - very likely before the end of this year.

Please, follow through for you child. They need their mother. Please get enrolled in a treatment program. Please continue posting and there are others here who will offer advice and assistance.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 6:24 pm 
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Hello Subs, You sound like a very strong and independent young woman. I admire your dedication to your son. I do think a good team of support is necessary to be successful and I am sure your having your Dad in your corner and this forum are a really good start. How do you feel about the twelve step program? Some find it a great support and it costs nothing. If you have insurance, maybe you could find a psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor to talk with. Keep up the good work! We are here for you!


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 7:27 pm 
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A couple very good points...

Donh is correct. As I read his post, I was thinking that I'm usually the person making those comments, and people usually respond to those comments with anger. But that experience 5 days ago, when you figured that 'one couldn't hurt', is very likely to be repeated. Yes, it has been 15 days now... but for the vast majority of people who have become addicted to opioids, a day eventually comes along when using opioids seems like the right thing to do. Resentments are probably the most common 'reason' people relapse. I put reason in quotes because nothing logically justifies a return to active addiction. But resentments, anger, and loneliness trigger the part of our personalities that found comfort in opioids.

The main benefits from treatment include 1. time away from opioids; 2. learning to tolerate anger, resentment, loneliness, and other unpleasant emotions without using; and 3. initiating an active recovery program. You can increase your odds of success in a huge way by getting connected to the recovering community in your area-- most commonly through AA or NA. The people who insist on 'going it alone' don't do well, statistically. Most people addicted to opioids develop a strong confidence in their own ability to solve their problems. But that confidence is almost always misplaced. The people who do well are those who swallow whatever pride they have left, find a recovering community, and do everything asked of them. Of course I'm talking about following the advice of the people who have been clean and sober for a significant length of time. I add that last comment because I suppose that EVERY group, including recovery groups, may include predators. Try to 'stick with the winners'-- to use a common AA phrase.

Buprenorphine has chemical properties-- namely the ceiling effect--- that creates a state of remission for people addicted to opioids. But no matter how well you do when you take buprenorphine, you will always be at risk around opioid agonists. But if you have a healthy fear of opioids and you are willing to dedicate yourself to a recovery program, you can beat the odds and live a life free from addiction. I hope you find a way to ignore that little voice that tells you that 'one will be OK'. For me, the answer came from step one of AA/NA-- realizing that even just one would kill me. Once I truly understood that fact, the desire to use went away.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 8:40 pm 
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First, I want to thank you for your replies and I will not respond with anger because I know 100% your word are truthful. I have looked in to getting into a support group as I know very well the lonliness will be my crutch to bear. Thank you for your kind words and words of support and I know that if I keep using than I will be gone and my child will be out in the world alone and the thought of that kills me. My mother died of accidental overdose and that is another reason why I wanted off of everything because I realized that could be me and my child could be in the same pain state I have been in for years now.
I have made an appointment with a psychologist to find better ways of coping with the anger, resentment, and pain I have had to bear in life because I know without dealing with those things I will be doomed to repeat the past. I do not doubt for one minute that the statistics are clear and they are right and that those doing it alone are less likely to succeed because I did it alone and only lasted 15 days.
I have removed myself from my friends that use and though I will miss them I have to think of my child only, not friends that enable me to continue the abusive behavior I am so used to. There is a support group in my area and I will be attending meetings and I have been praying A LOT! I have plans to get out to the cemetery where my mother is buried and talk to her about what has been going on because in some weird way I feel as if it will help me get over some of the anger of losing her at 15. I know I can do this because I am stronger than this pill by far and now that I have the right support all I can do is succeed.
I am not unrealistic though I know relapse happens and it happens a lot but I am taking all the correct steps this time to make sure I do not hurt myself any further than I have. I am half way into day 6 and I pretty much have the mentality that I can do this, no matter what I am sticking through it and I pray everyday and I keep a photo of my child close by at all times to remind myself of why I want this so much....I appreciate your replies :) and I am not angry by your truthful statements. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 8:46 pm 
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Also, I forgot to mention another thing different with this time through my getting off of it is I have a new man in my life that supports me no matter what. He does not enable me but instead helps me through the hard times. He is a new and exciting edition to my little family and he does not use...he used in the past and has been clean for over 5 years now and he was on something a lot harsher than I was so he is a great help :)


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2015 9:16 pm 
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Hi Again, A new relationship is wonderful and stressful all at the same time! I am sure you know exactly what I mean! Please, please please, put yourself first, yes even before your child. You know the saying about how if the plane is going down you give yourself oxygen first so you can be there to do what you need to do to save the child? This is the same!


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2015 10:55 am 
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Yes, I understand that because a child doesn't know how to help themselves so the mother/ father has to live to do what is necessary. I am now in day 6 and at 3pm today I will start on day 7, so one week which is amazing. I also heard that celebrating the small victories help?? not sure if that is true or not but I plan on celebrating my week clean with a trip to the park with my child. I don't know, things are weird right now like all of my senses seem to be on overdrive. Food tastes a lot better than it did, smells are stronger...I smoke cigarettes and they are disgusting lol...nothing really physical going on and I dk why...do you think that has something to do with my 15 days off and only being on it for 3 weeks before quitting again?? I counted up the days and it was 3 weeks since I had been 15 days clean. Thank you again for your replies it helps knowing I have supporters on the internet even though I have never met any of you lol :)
PS. Music sounds so much better as well!!


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2015 11:23 am 
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Hey Subs, Hope you are having a good day! I love,love love the rewarding yourself idea! Such a positive thing and going to the park is good for you and your son! Hope the weather is good where you are and you enjoy your park time! I have heard others talk about heightened senses and I am not sure of the physiology behind it. But, I would think, at least the way you describe it, that it is a good thing!


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2015 11:42 am 
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Hi Michelle,
Yes, the heightened senses have been a good thing, it may even help me stop smoking haha. Weirdly the weather has been incredibly cold lately but today the sun is shinning and it is nice and warm out so I take it as I am supposed to take my child to the park :) ....Thank you, I am doing really well today. I have heard that a lot of sub wd is mental, not all, but a lot...and I feel as if I have a great state of mind this time around. Last time I was doing great not feeling any symptoms besides the RLS but I was naive and thought I could keep my friends around that use and thats what caught me back up, again not blaming them, lol. This time I have completely removed myself from those friends and going to get back into my church community that I had abandoned after my mother passed...I think I can find some good friends there that will help me a long the way. A new relationship is very stressful but with him it is good stress, he keeps me thinking clearly and like I said does not enable me but instead gives me strength as he has been through it so he is a great BIG help to me...I hope you have a great day. Have you had experience with sub wd?


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2015 4:26 pm 
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No, no experience with sub withdrawl. I was on tramadol for knee pain as a result of osteoarthritis. Suboxone has also helped me with depression associated with menopause. Withdrawl from the tramadol was horrible! I could not take it so I started suboxone. It has been a life changer for me. I thought that I would wean myself off of it within a year. I did drop from 24mgs to 6mgs in a year. Each time I dropped it just felt like it was time. I wish it would continue like that until I was off of subs. But, I doubt that will happen! Enjoy the park!


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2015 7:36 pm 
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You are very smart to taper even slowly I hear when you taper down to like 0.4mgs there is little to no wds at all....I am the type that cannot taper bc I am an all or nothing type of woman.. I was only taking maybe 1mg though and some days none at all for the three week duration so I think that helps me with my wds a little but at least you are tapering and trying that's the best you can do you know?
I think you can do it, though I don't actually know you personally, you seem like a very strong person that can get through it once you get down to your jump off point. I have never wd off of tramadol but I have off of hydrocodone and percocet and they were WAYYYY worse than sub wd...sub wd is a lot milder it just takes longer...but I think every addict will agree no matter the drug you will never be completely over it, bc the cravings will always be there....We had a wonderful time...I hope your day was well! :)


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