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PostPosted: Fri Feb 14, 2014 8:56 pm 
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Hey brother, 20 days.......congrats, I can't wait to say 20 days. That's a great accomplishment. Like I always say I look forward to reading your posts.

It took great courage to flush that 8mg strip you found. Your there my friend. Believe me I know how easy it could of been to just say cut a 1 -2mg strip just one last time. Give me day of relaxation. But you didn't. I'm proud of you. Your a fighter with a strong will to take your life back.

The Subs did there purpose, got you off the drug(s) of your choice and now your ready to start over.

Thanks for the heads up on the alcohol episode. Some of my buddies from work today asked me to hit the bars with them tomorrow night. I hadn't made up my mind yet but now I think I'll pass on that.

Keep up the good fight,
Gary


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 4:59 pm 
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Day -->21<--
"Bent but not broken,
bruised but not swollen
Want to get high,
but here I can't even try
Thought this was buried,
but its not, and now I'm worried

I'm disappointed...
but I won't give up
won't turn my back
I will never give up

Hope this is the last time,
I don't want to loose you
your scars will heal like mine,
and maybe one day you will see
just how much you truly mean to me"


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 5:31 pm 
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If you still find yourself without energy in the mornings, try going to GNC and picking up L-Tyrosine 1000MG capsules. I would start with two (you can take up to six) on an empty stomach. Don't eat anything for an hour. This will give you energy like a coffee buzz, too much and you'll have the jitters. I found it helped a lot. Has to be an empty stomach or effect is very minimal. Stay away from caffeine and sugary products.

Hope that helps. You're doing awesome. 21+ days is an amazing feat.

If you haven't found it already, Thomas' Recipe works for some to help although I am unsure of how much it would help you as it is mostly for Acute WDs. But maybe worth a look.

http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-con ... 35169.html

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- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 5:50 pm 
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I have Bottles of that. Never thought of using it for energy. Thanks for the heads up #Reprieve!. . Will try it first thing tmrw.

Interesting Message I received on Facebook last night from X girlfriend B4 I Started using (Poem). To be honest I Cant remember ever feeling so upset.
Anyways. 21 Days and I'm in this. The Physical W-D's are pretty weak. They come once a day and only last maybe a minute or so. Today I took a Long look at myself and felt disappointed. That feeling continued for a few hours. Went to the mall, Spent about 2k on clothes and shoes. Dysfunctional? Maybe, maybe I'm just coming off buprenorphine .

My Entire life, I've never felt Depressed, or worried about the future. Being on this website would be a waste if I wasn't being honest so I apologize to anyone coming off sub and reading this depressing post. I went through all of my posts the past 24 days and find myself being Up and Down. More down lately. I'll never give up and for damn sure wont Give In to this disease that took away the last 8 years. Today I had a moment, sitting down after the mall and I couldn't stop thinking about taking something. I sat down , staring into space Obsessing like a typical addict, saying to myself 'what if I just took something for a month to get over this feeling'. It scares me that I thought that. I haven't had a single thought like that until today. I wasn't even considering getting an opana or something, I was seriously considering buying a bunch of methadone.

That being said, I live with terrible memories every day that eliminate that thought from becoming a reality. I'm in this, and I wont give up . Prayers to everyone

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2014 6:10 pm 
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I can totally relate. It's hard to see it while your going through it, but the depression is part of the PAWS. You may be clean, but still have some healing to do. In time, your brain should stabilize, and actually the foul, dressed moods you're in is your brain readjusting chemical balances sorta like when a wound itches like hell while its healing. Think of it like a brain itch. Now that you're off of Subs, you may try St. John's Wort. You may see me speak of it in a few of my posts, but that is only because it worked for me. Some have adverse reactions, and it can mess with the way subs metabolize so I stay away from recommending it from someone still treating with subs, but seeing as you are opiate free it may work for you. It's not something you'll feel 30 min after taking and there is no real "feeling" to it in a drug sense, but after two or three days you should start to feel NOT depressed. For me it seemed to take the edge off of things that would usually send me into high anxiety. it doesn't make you happy, and it doesn't make you sad, it just kind of stabilizes you from either extreme.

It may be worth trying. You're doing so well. I have been reading up on some of your posts as it would seem we have a lot in common. Between you and Gary, it's like looking into a mirror.

You can make, and it will get better. Your life is worth it. No pain no gain, right? You are so far in, don't give in. You would feel terrible anyway afterword. The little bit of pleasure you'd get would be worth the guilt... unless you kept taking more and then you would be down that slippery slope again and have to start over. Just remember how far you've come. it's not worth giving that up for a 4 hours.

Holler at me anytime. Talking with people like you and Gary is sorta my group therapy, so I am glad to help where I can.

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" Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."
- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 9:06 am 
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Hey my friend, my brother,

You had a bad day, sorry to hear that. I know what you mean about the thoughts that go through your head. But I know you, your strong enough to get through those moments. You are one of my leaders to get me through this. Don't mean to put that pressure on you but you have picked my spirit up many times. You are mentally and physically strong. I can tell.

21 days - Thats incredible. Reprieve is right. It could take some time for our brains to heal. Just look back at what we did to it. You are going to be ok. You are getting healthier and healthier evey day. We have to expect some bad days and thoughts while our brain heals.

I've had those thoughts already. It really pisses me off. I tell myself to go F yourself and try to focus on something else. I have to tell myself to go F yourself every other day for one reason or another.

Stay strong and positive my friend, we are with you. You are well on your way to total freedom.



Gary


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 1:00 pm 
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Thanks Gary + Reprieve. Always good to have support.

This morning I feel like a took a step forward finally. Not a huge step, but enough to get me out of that negative mindset. Any improvement seem to motivate me. Going three day's with no feelings of improvement threw me a bit. I'm in this for the long run. I'm looking forward to the summer sun and everything that comes with it! I'm glad I decided to jump when I did, even though it was 2mg, I still feel I made a good decision.

Thanks again to everyone who continues to inspire me with there positive outlooks . I'm not the type to give up, I've suffered the last 8 years, what's another few weeks? !! Yesterday I kept saying to myself, Wake the Fuck Up James you Self Centered fuck.

I Went to church this morning and I finally understand what people mean when they Constantly bring up faith. It's not an A-Typical Church, it's focus is more towards people in there early to mid 20's. It was like a concert. I was sitting there , looking around watching people crying and whatever. It really made me feel weird, but I started to let myself go and I felt something I cant explain. Maybe faith? Maybe not. Anyways, I think I'm going to this place from here on out. I wouldn't call myself a born again, but I really like that feeling.

Good luck to Everyone who decided to live a drug free life! Nothing Good in life comes easy. 8)

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Last edited by h0pe on Sun Feb 16, 2014 5:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 2:13 pm 
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I am so glad to hear that you feel like you're making progress. I get what you're saying about church, as I myself am not very religious (I do believe in a higher power, but refuse to pigeon hole it into anyone religion, but that is another topic for another forum) but I have thought about attending church again. One reason is that it would take up a few hours on Sunday instead of sitting around the house obsessing. It would also get me up and interacting with people, and generally speaking GOOD, uplifting people.

I have been trying to get back into a few hobbies as well, as I found that it's easier to get through cravings or whatnot when I was busy. I even thought about getting a second job. Anything to fill the time so I just don't just sit around. I spend several hours a day on this forum reading and posting as I don't do well in group therapy, but I have found this forum gives me motivation and I view this forums as my AA or NA.

I hope you find something that you can pursue that will help you stay clean. We're here for you should you ever need someone to listen or to talk to. Like I said, this is MY group meeting, so if you ever just want someone to vent to, I'm your man. I don't have all the answers, but I have been through opiate addiction and I know how helpful it can be to talk with someone who knows what you may be going through.

Best of luck and to your continued success.

John

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" Each relapse starts with one thought— maybe, just maybe, this time will be different… that little thought has killed thousands and thousands of opiate addicts over the years."
- Dr Jeffery Junig (Subox Doc)


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 8:42 pm 
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Glad your feeling better. You inspire me every day. I know what you mean about getting down some days. Yesterday I actually felt great. Was having fun, laughing with my daughter and son in law.

Today the exact opposite. Feel like a bag of dirt. Can't get rid of it. We know we are going to have good and bad days for awhile but in the end, look what we get when were med free. Your closing in on 4 weeks. That's amazing.

I'm with Reprieve on this also. This is my AA or NA. This forum is the best thing that ever happened to me. Remember, we are here for you just like you have been there for us.

Like you I've told myself to fuck off more than once. It helps. lol. Gives me strength.

Stay strong my good friend, I'm here for you also whenever you need someone to talk to.

Gary


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2014 9:02 pm 
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Today is day 23. I made a mistake. I found a sliver in my dresser. Maybe .25 and I spit it out after maybe a minute. I'm really in a bad place right now. Is this going to take away my 23 days. I feel like a coward. I feel terrible about this! I can't believe that shit was in my dresser! My mother is sick, I let my depression get the best of me. I don't feel anything from it. Just a headache. Please someone, I need some comfort

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2014 9:54 pm 
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Hey brother, that little bit, it set you back 1 hour. Don't beat yourself up over it. This depression shit is one tough MF to overcome. I'm not in a much better place than you right now either. Worst day so far.

But you got to shake it off and continue the fight. You are still the man. I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better. All I can say is I'm here for you, I feel your pain. Get back on the horse and lets get this done. Your a strong dude, I don't believe you are weak, you had a slight moment, BFD.

So tomorrow is day 24, that's what you can look forward to. There are going to be many bumps in the road along the way, shitty but true.

How's your sleeping been?

Stay strong my friend, you are doing great.

Gary


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 1:50 pm 
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Thanks everyone for the great advice I received yesterday. I don't feel alone in this when I get support.

I took everyones advice and I'm not going to beet myself up over yesterday. That little piece I took just gave me a little headache, I'm not sure it was even half of a .25. I guess I had a panic attack afterwards. Today is a new day. I'm hoping to stay busy every minute of every day. I look back to yesterday, and found that I had Way too much Time to sit around. I'm on my way to pay a ticket so I can't type much. Thanks again to everyone for the advice

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 3:04 pm 
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Glad to hear you got back up on that horse!! Way to go!

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 8:50 pm 
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Not the best reason for getting out of the house. lol

But getting out and doing something is great. I need to do more of that myself.

I can't afford another ticket though.

Stay strong brother


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 8:59 pm 
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End of Day 24

My sleep became more stable around day 18 to 20. Normal, as in 6-8 hours at the most. Today I felt no different than day 22. I feel positive, somewhat low energy. I cant explain the lack of energy, its that feeling you have when you wake up at 2am after running a marathon. I can force myself to push through it, and once I get moving I'm good. It seems like normal is something I haven't felt in almost a decade, so if I am feeling normal, its difficult to tell. I can say for sure that the negative feeling I had is beginning to fade away, slowly. I find myself Laughing at dumb shit, randomly. It comes in waves.

I speak with a distant friend every three days or so, and she knows everything. I get some good feedback through her. She knows me very well, and seems to put my mind at ease when I feel like I'm not getting better. It's nice to hear someone Verbally say that I'm improving and without much BS. IDK if I mentioned being in a recovery group. I was in one for 18 days and it became unproductive, after getting to know people and watching them kind of disappear. Not for me .

I can say that I haven't had a lingering symptom from that little pin sized piece I took. I'm proud of the way I reacted. I cant remember what I was thinking, but can say for sure I definitely wanted to feel some relief. I felt worst afterword. It was a feeling of letting myself and everyone down. It's exactly how I imagined it, without the relief I was expecting. The fact that I didn't panic and call someone for some real relief is a step forward in my mind. I'll give this 110% and come out who I was, happy.

Gary, Romeo, Dr., Reprieve and Todd Thanks for the Encouragement. I was alone with this yesterday. It might not seem like a huge deal through someone else's eyes, but I was in a bad place after that. IDK if it was me or the minuscule amount, but I became more depressed than I can say. I owe you all more than I can express in words.

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 19, 2014 6:01 am 
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Hey brother

It's great to hear your getting 6-8 hours sleep. The energy part sucks I agree but pushing yourself to stay busy shows the kind of intestinal fortitude you have. Mind over matter, it's a big part of recovery.

Having a friend that knows you well and you can talk to is ideal. They can pick you up when your down and put you in a good place. I'm glad you have that. Someone you can actually verbally talk to really can help.

In no way have you let anyone down , youv'e been an inspiration for a lot of people. It's like I said from day 1 for me, you made me believe I could do this. I had a ton of fear preparing for my jump day and YOU gave me confidence I could do it, For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Take care my friend

Gary


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 19, 2014 6:51 pm 
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Day Twenty Something!

Unbelievable day. It feels like a Breakthrough. My hair has been standing up all day because I cant believe this. Today is by far the Best I've felt in YEARS. No exaggeration. To think, three days ago I could have blown this! shit. I have 90% Energy today. I was at the gym maybe 930, they put on this badass song and I prolly looked like a moron but I was dancing like a fkn Moron. Haha. No joke. I look around and see everyone smiling and a couple people laughing. I felt alive, so I started dancing. There was nothing holding me down. Usually In the Morning, it takes a while for me to get my head in the game. Today, something happened. Call it a breakthrough. Call it whatever you want.

Gary, Todd, NorCall, everyone coming off of this , Understand that things get better. Two weeks of Insomnia can put you in a state of DE realization, So don't let it get the best of you. The week or two following the Insomnia, your brain is catching up. At least that's what I feel like. I'm not saying I'm 100%, but it sure feels like it. There's no explaining it , really. It just is what it is. I made it to day 25 and I don't even focus on the days anymore.

Feb 19 2014, I feel like this has become manageable.

Day 1-4 Terrible Cold Sweats, Cold hands and feet. Energy 30%

Day 4-10 Insomnia, Major Fatigue and Depression. Still Managed to stay positive. Energy 45%

Day 11-15 Started Sleeping more than 3-Hours per Night. Started getting more depressed. Fatigue was the biggest issue. Working out was difficult, running was Very difficult. I felt like I had Agoraphobia. Energy 45%-50%

Day 16-18 Sleep became much better.. My energy was maybe 75%. Had a lot of ups and downs mentally.

Day 19-22 Sleep was something that became second nature. Felt slightly agoraphobic. Fatigue was lingering. I started getting my spark back. Anxiety came on Hard day 22.

Day22: Found maybe .20mg of a sub. Put it in mouth, then Immediately panicked, spit it out. Didn't feel anything. Thank God

Day 23: I had consistent energy. Sleep was Not a problem. I would have moments of dwelling. Sitting around, staring into space, then snapping out of it the second I realized what I was doing

Yesterday: Energy was 85-90%. At least it felt it. Sleep wasn't a problem. I didn't sit around. The restless feeling becomes natural energy.

Today: Energy 85-90%. Brief periods of dwelling. Brief. I think everyone dwells tho. This is normal.

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:10 pm 
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What an inspirational post brother,

Everything you have there up to the point I'm at is a carbon copy of where I am. I'm in between your 11 - 15 day period. Up to there it's exactly how I've been.

I'm really happy for you. All the hard work put into your recovery is starting to show. Your an inspiration for all of us. I really mean that. No one who hasn't been in your (our) shoes can understand what willpower, strength, and a positive attitude it takes to get where you are.

You must be stoked. It's funny how a post like that can lift a guys spirits. For that I thank you.
Stay strong my friend.

Gary


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:31 pm 
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Day 26

I'm starting to feel like I'm over this. My addiction will always be a part of me, but I can accept that knowing I'm willing to do Anything to keep that fucker at bay. I find the most difficult part of my day is the moment I wake up. My Mind/Addiction Begs me to take something. It usually lasts a half an hour or so. Then it just goes away. The morning also comes with a little fatigue, but its nothing a red bull cant lift me out of.

Today, after work and everything, I visited my X-Gf at her new job. She just graduated and is a psychiatrist. I found myself joking around and laughing about stupid shit. I Cant remember the last time I sat down, and actually relate with someone. I wasn't zoning out. I was having a normal conversation, Being myself. At Some point when we were talking, I sat back and just smiled. I realized I was feeling good. It's nice when you can walk around, without the anxiety that comes from needing something to feel normal.

Anyone who is reading this, Suboxone saved my life. It changed my thought patterns, and gave me a chance to reflect on my addiction, while being in control. Being 26 days into stopping sub, I feel like I get it. I understand that your future is based on decisions. I've always known this. Everyone knows this. Don't underestimate your addiction. It'll pop up when you least expect it. Be prepared for it, and learn from your mistakes. I've been taking something Every morning for maybe 7 or 8 years. It makes sense that I would have a craving when I wake up. I'm just being honest. I have an addictive personality, but I wont give in to it again. Who goes straight to the coffee pot in the morning? It's a Habit. Nothing more. I got this. Peace

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 21, 2014 7:52 am 
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As usual a great post. Seriousness with a little humour. Always enjoy reading yours. You were saying the worst part of the day is when you get up. I think your right by saying that's when you always took your meds so your body kinda still craves it at that time. The good thing the cravings don't last that long and will eventually go away.

That's probably why I have the same issues in the afternoon. That's when I took mine, I know most people take them in the morning but for me I took them later so I could get a better sleep at night. Shit seems to wear off to early in the evening if I took my Subs in the morning. It's just something I got use to.

Great to see your getting out and on with your life. I'm looking forward to that day.

Coffee in the morning is a must, yea it's a habit but I've had worse habits. :)

Later my friend,
Gary


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