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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 9:34 pm 
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Day 44 no percs/vikes
Day 27 no subs

Buddy calls me today with 28 subs for sale and all I keep hearing in my head is "Well, if I go bad, let's go bad that way".

Fuck! I've been so strong and made so much progress and been preaching to everyone how its over and I'll never go back. Then this happens. I keep saying I want a few to have around in case the ope urge gets overwhelming. But why would I do this?

I haven't bought them yet. But I want to.

Fuck

Charlie


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:17 pm 
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Do you go to meetings? If you do, go to one ASAP. If not give it a try.

Only you can make the call but I would say think it thru first. Also erase that dudes number and tell him not to call u about that stuff...

Good luck stay strong, you're almost at 30 days off subs u wanna mess that up?

Good luck

Gb


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:50 pm 
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glen bee wrote:
Do you go to meetings? If you do, go to one ASAP. If not give it a try.

Only you can make the call but I would say think it thru first. Also erase that dudes number and tell him not to call u about that stuff...

Good luck stay strong, you're almost at 30 days off subs u wanna mess that up?

Good luck

Gb


What she said, 100%! Go, drive to, run if you have to and take a chance at a NA or an AA meeting if you don't already go. It can't hurt... That's the addict talking, telling you to just buy em so you'll have em around just incase. You're almost 30 days off subs, but once and addict, always an addict, so now that you're done with the physical part (or most of it), and you're off the subs, your addict mind is trying to reason with you about why it would be a good idea to buy some just incase. Now, you have to figure out how to stay clean without those thoughts. This I believe is going to be the hard part for myself. Once I'm off the meds completely, I still am going to have to keep attending meetings and keep working steps and kicking that mental part.

Hell, when I first started subs, a friend of mine came over with 50 or so norc's that she owed me, and I was tempted, so tempted to lock em up just incase I needed them. I took em and got rid of em pretty quick because my addict mind was telling me to keep em... It's tempting, no doubt about that so just do what you gotta do, first thing for me would be to either delete his number or tell him you're off the subs and opiates completely and to never, ever ask you about buying again, because then it's just gonna fuck with your mind every time. I've had to tell one lie since my recovery, but it's a lie to save my life. I lied to everyone I used to deal with and told them that I was off everything, never even told em I started subs, cause I knew that'd just lead to somebody, sometime needing my help cause they'd ran out and are sick and I am not gettin that started. No way, no how.

Get rid of those people, and if any of them truely are friends, you tell them to not call you about dope anymore and if they do, you go ahead and delete them. You have to do this for you!

I'm proud of you though... 3 more days and you'll have 30 day's completely off the subs! That's awesome! I've sent you a virtual 30 day token my friend... it's a little early I know, and it might now show up right because I can be kinda illiterate when it comes to this stuff, but it's a 1 month sobriety token. You certainly earned it! Congratulations, one day at a time... Good for you though, I'm hella proud of ya!

[img]01‑01.jpg[/img]


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:54 pm 
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Let's see if this will work, if not, I'm giving up! lol

[img]sobercamel.com[/img]


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:57 pm 
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:59 pm 
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Sorry, but you can copy and put it in the addy bar and see your 1 month token. Sorry bout that ~


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 11:30 pm 
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Charlie,

I certainly don't mean to be a downer, but I've been following your posts and I saw this coming. The only reason I knew it was coming is because I've been exactly where you're at.

I've said this before, and I'll keep on saying it.....getting off of drugs is one thing, staying off is another thing entirely. You need a completely new skill set to STAY off of drugs. When I got off drugs, I "white knuckled" it for 9 months before I used. It took me several slips before I finally got the picture......I needed recovery. I needed to change the way I think, the way I act and I needed to deal with that voice in my head that told me I could use drugs.

Where you stand right now, it looks like the Dragon has woken up again and he's a motherfucker to get to go back to sleep again.

There's a post on this forum that's titled, "What are you doing for your recovery" and there are some really great ideas in there. Give it a look.

Good Luck, you can do this, but you're gonna have to be open to changing some things about yourself and learning some new coping techniques.

I sincerely hope I didn't come off as too harsh, I'm just trying to keep it real with ya.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 11:51 pm 
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Romeo, that was more or less exactly what I was trying to say, but you said it so much better! Getting off drugs is one thing, staying off, is another. That's when it becomes more mental and emotional and you've gotta make some changes now or things could get bad and quick.

I know you can do this! Read the thread that Romeo is talking about. It's on the Freestyle board. Full of great recomendations on how to recover and stay in recovery. It's something that we all have to put effort into every single day, because like I said, we're all addicts here and once and addict, always an addict. That's when you need to not only stop the subs as part of your recovery, but you've still gotta do somthing to keep you in recovery and not relapse. There's newbies talking about what they do, and there's people who've been off subs for years, telling us what's working for them so that they stay sober. Read that first, then think about some changes you can make, things you know are triggers for you (like your buddy callin and wantin to sell subs to you) and how you can eliminate those triggers. Then you need to make those changes!

Good Luck, we're all here rooting for you and we'll help you as much as we can!


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 11:52 pm 
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Hey invis, I tried for a while to get your pic to load, but it wouldn't, so on behalf of invis, here's your one month key chain Charlie!!

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 Post subject: Thanks Romeo
PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2012 11:57 pm 
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Romeo, Romeo... how I love thou Romeo! Or how ever it goes... lol

Now you've one-upped me twice on this thread... Thanks tho for postin that, I tried and tried and could not get it to work... obviously... lol

So for you seonasdad, your one month token my friend... Thanks Romes.

Invis, I'm changing my signature to this. I like it ;)


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2012 12:07 am 
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Thanks guys. I'm good. Smoked a blunt, remembered who I was and who I've become over the past 6 weeks. Momentary lapse of reason. Besides, there were many days I didn't really like how Subs made me feel. I'm not going through that shit or the aftermath again.

Yes, smoked a blunt. Weed has really helped me along during it all but I gotta do SOMETHING. I don't drink, so pot it is!

Love ya all. We're all in this together and we will get through.

CHAZZ


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2012 12:36 am 
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I'm sorry in advance for being brutally honest; however, there is no sugar coating recovery!

The whole "gotta do something" outlook is only going to lead to you using again. Filling the void left by your addiction isn't easy to fill and filling it with things like weed, drinking, or any other form of mind or mood altering substances is only going to start you on that slippery slope down to rock bottom.

If I understand correctly you kicked your DOC and went on subs for a few weeks and have been clean for almost a month? First and foremost, congrats on staying clean that long as we all know that is not an easy thing to do, but I gotta ask what have you done since you quit to change your way of thinking? I know for me I only wanted to use subs to help ease the withdrawls, but then I realized that wasn't going to work because abstinence isn't recovery and I wanted recovery. Subs gave me the chance to not only put my life back together but also change who I was a person-physically, mentally, and spiritually. That starts with developing new thought patterns and creating a support network that would allow me when the time is right get off subs and live a totally substance free lifestyle.

I'm not tryin to say that my way is the right way, because there are a lot of different ways that people stay clean; however, the one main thing that almost all of them have in common is changing the way we think and finding new ways to cope with the stress and anxiety the whole left by addiction created.

The good news is that you haven't used and you don't have to, but you do have to make some serious choices when it comes to maintaining your sobriety. I have known plenty of people who have abstained from using and thought they had put their using days behind them because they had a decent amount of clean time, only to see them circum to the beast within them.

The best place to keep your addiction is right infront of you. Putting it behind you only affords it the opportunity to suprise you at anytime.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2012 1:02 am 
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Thanks 12step. I'm pretty much always going to smoke weed. That's just not ever going to change and that is accepted by my family. They drink their faces off so they know since I don't drink, I'm going to smoke pot. Believe me, if that's the rest of my life I'm actually fine with that. I don't smoke all of the time, just here and there. Maybe moreso during this ope/sub recovery.

I'm good. Really. Every day gets easier. I just got caught up in the moment today a little bit. I used subs to help ease ope withdrawal. Since I'm 6.2 weeks off of opes, Subs would do me no good now and I realize tha. I'd be repulsively sick afterward.

I've changed a lot of other behavioral patterns over the last 6 weeks so far - I train it to work now instead of drive. I've cleaned the house, I've joined different bowling leagues in different bowling alleys to get away from the abyss that was my numb life. I've volunteered my time at my kid's school for things. A lot of change is around me.

That call just got to me today. Temptation rearing its ugly head. But I'm not giving in. I know what is right in front of me.

Life.

Thank you though. I honestly appreciate you for caring enough to respond.

CHAZZ


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2012 9:12 am 
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Seaonasdad, sounds to me like you really have been working on changing your behavior and getting away from "triggers" as much as possible, sounds pretty good all the things you've done in a little over 6 weeks. Keep it up and I do believe you'll be fine. I'm glad you jumped on here yesterday, maybe you did just get caught up in the moment, but you got on here and spilled it, you listened to what we had to say and now it's passed. You realize you really don't wanna go down that road again.

About smoking weed, I personally don't see anything wrong with a little weed. I don't smoke, used to, but I only did it occasionally, here and there. I never got "addicted" to it. My husband was a daily smoker up until our daughter was born. He does now and then, very occasionally, but it doesn't bother me. If he is able to do it every once in awhile and it doesn't affect our lives in a negative way, I don't care. Like you said, I have a lot of family members who drink like a school of fish, I'd much rather them just smoke... but, they're not bothering anybody with what they do so I say, Let it be...

I don't think you have a problem with the weed, I think you're a smart enough dude that you'd know if you did. You kicked the opiates, you knew you had a problem with them.

Anyways, glad you jumped on here when you needed to. We're all here for ya whenever you need us. I'm glad you're feeling better and reality set in again ;)

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